CHAPTER 1: THE WORST BIRTHDAY
I just looked at the cover. Looks like Harry is chillin’ with a pretty dope bird.
I hope that plays out better than, you know, the unicorns.
I just realized how stupid the name Dudley Dursley sounds.
In case you were wondering, it’s NOT okay to use the word “magic” in the Dursley home.
Ha, doing a lot of recap in this first chapter. It’s like, just read the Sorcerer’s Stone first. That shit was on point.
I’m sure this dinner party is going to go exactly as planned. “Nothing unusual here! Just people eating dinner!”
Harry, stop it – “But Dudley had said the very thing Harry had been thinking himself. Maybe he didn’t have any friends at Hogwarts.” B2p10
All right, there’s someone in Harry’s bed. Now we’re getting somewhere.[divider top="1"]
THE FUCK? – “The little creature on the bed had large, bat-like ears and bulging green eyes the size of tennis balls.” B2p12
WHAT UP, DOBBY?
I know that game – “I don’t want to be rude or anything, but this isn’t a great time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom.”
Dobby is a ball of emotion. Bro, he just asked you to sit down. Reel it in.
Between Dobby losing it every 3 seconds and Hedwig waking up and banging against the bars, I think we are deviating from the noise plan.
OH SHIT, SON. THAT’S FUCKED UP – “Dobby will have to shit his ears in the oven door for this.” B2p14
Dobby is putting out a real Gollum vibe with this third person nonsense. Did you guys feel that way?
Er, I guess most of you were like 12 when you read this book.
“Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts.”
Ok, so SOMEBODY is planning to make terrible things happen at Hogwarts this semester. And I don’t think he means like, wearing Crocs or something.
I think it’d be funny if like one time in the book when Dumbledore’s name is mentioned someone is like “Oh fuck that guy.”
But alas, Dumbledore is adored by all. And rightfully so.
Don’t worry, I’m sure that shit was racist – “You just ruined the punch line of my Japanese golfer joke.” B2p18
Dobby has been stopping Harry’s letters! That feels like a serious breach of trust we’ve established over the last 3 minutes.
Aunt Petunia’s pudding just hit the ground hard. Like that time I got drunk and tried to put up the Christmas lights.
Improper use of magic. Like that time I got drunk at a party and tried to perform magic.
Oh shit, Ron’s at the window, y’all.[divider top="1"]
And Harry’s all “O Ron, Ron, wherefore art thou Ron?”
So the Weasleys are ghost-riding some dope whip.
They’re basically doing that thing that’s in every Western where they tie the rope to the bars.
So Draco’s dad is suspected to be part of Voldemort’s inner circle. I’m sure he’s the worst.
MAYBE IT WAS THE CRAWLEYS – “House-elves come with big old manors and castles and places like that.” B2p29
WHAT UP, ERROL?
This plan sounds full of holes – “She’ll be all pleased to see Harry and no one need ever know we flew the car.”
Mrs. Weasley is just scolding the shit out of her sons in front of Harry. Making it weird.
I’m sure the .gif of Gilderoy Lockhart is quite dashing.
Okay, the garden has been de-gnomed, Ginny was being a bit of a creep, and that about does it for chapter three.[divider top="1"]
The ghoul at the Weasleys’ got nothing on Peeves.
HARRY, PEOPLE LIKE YOU. WHERE’S YOUR SELF-ESTEEM BUDDY?
It looks like Harry’s curriculum is going to be a bit heavy on the Gilderoy Lockhart side. Better than Thomas Hardy I guess.
RENDEZVOUS AT DIAGON ALLEY AWWWW YEAH.
“Ron’s old Shooting Star was often outstripped by passing butterflies.” B2p46
This Floo Powder sounds dope.
Floo powder seems about the same as going down a giant pipe in Mario. But without all the offensive Italian-American stereotypes.
Oh shit, you guys. I think Harry ended up in someone’s sex dungeon?
It’s fucking Draco Malfoy.
“Maybe Draco changed over the summer and is really nice now.” – No one.
Draco’s dad is worried the Ministry of Magic is going to show up at his house and fuck all his shit up.
Knockturn Alley sounds pretty terrifying. Not gonna lie.
HAGRID. Get out of here. I was just about to buy some shrunken heads down here on Nightmare Alley.
The flesh-eating slugs are ruining the cabbages? Wouldn’t they be ruining the FLESH?
Does anyone know of a good optometrist near Diagon Alley? Harry done broke his glasses.
It’s funny how much shit they talk about Knockturn Alley and forbid their kids to go there BUT IT’S LIKE A BLOCK AWAY FROM DIAGON ALLEY.
Harry’s going all Scrooge McDuck in his Gringotts vault.
Oh shit, Gilderoy Hotface is signing autographs at he bookstore.
Man, it’s like backstage at a Def Leopard show up in Flourish and Blotts. These witches want it bad.
Lockhart is going to be a prof at Hogwarts! That’d be like Ryan Gosling showing up to your high school and being like “WHAT UP?”
When it comes to Lucius and Draco, the douche apple doesn’t fall far from the barf tree.
Ha, Arthur and Lucius are getting into it right there in the bookstore. WIZARDS WILL BE BOYS.
Can’t believe you guys didn’t like that Scrooge McDuck joke. I thought that shit was on point.
WHAT UP, NERDS?
No intro, let’s just dive right in.[divider top="1"]
Looks like Xzibit pimped Mr. Weasley’s ride. That tiny ass Ford Anglia can fit ALLLL the trunks.
And he’s like “YO DAWG, we put some extra trunk in your trunk so you can drive with your trunks!”
Woops, Had a little trouble getting to Platform 9 ¾. Maybe it’s because Ron suggested they go together to “save time.”
I bet this will work out perfectly – “We can fly the car to Hogwarts!” B2p69
Whoa, apparating sounds even more convenient than Floo Powder. These wizards are pretty efficient.
Yet, they still insist on using owls to communicate. JUST USE YOUR FLIP PHONE, GUYS.
Harry asked Ron if he even knows to fly the car and Ron was like “Bitch, please.”
“Okay, I just need to get this baby up to 88 MPH.” – Ron, probably.
So I guess I don’t really understand WHERE Hogwarts is located. Is it like in a completely different world? Or just tucked away?
Is it a Middle Earth situation or like a Xavier Institute for Higher Learning type situation?
Based on the picture at the beginning of the chapter, I don’t think there’s going to be anything “smooth” about your landing, Harry.
I really can’t help myself. Going to take this one out of context – “It had snapped, almost in two; the tip was dangling limply.” B2p74
I’M NOT EVEN SORRY.
Oh shit, this tree is PISSED.
Hedwig’s just like “Fuck this, I’m out.”
Ha, and so is the car.
Hot – “Professor McGonagall, a bespectacled witch with her hair in a tight bun.” B2p77
Haha, they were talking about Snape and he was standing RIGHT behind them, being all Peevesy.
“I know you boys were in a pretty serious flying car accident, but IS THE FUCKING TREE OKAY?” – Snape
They didn’t get expelled for crashing their flying car into the tree and Snape’s like “WTF DUMBLEDORE?”
GINNY GOT SORTED INTO GRYFFINDOR, Y’ALL.
Harry, Ron, and I are all still confused about why they couldn’t get through the barrier on the platform.
That sounds dope as fuck – “When they had eaten as many sandwiches as they could (the plate kept refilling itself), they left the office.”
Getting some mixed reactions about the flying car stunt. Some people thought it was sick, others would describe it as “Not cool, bros.”[divider top="1"]
Oh shit. What’s a “howler?”
They are building the shit out of this tension – “Open it. It’ll all be over in a few minutes.”
JUST OPEN THE FUCKING HOWLER, RON.
Ha, if you knew it was going to be your mom screaming at you, why’d you open it in front of your ENTIRE peer set?
Double herbology with the ‘puffs. Is that like, Snoop Dogg herbology, or legit herbology?
Hot – “Gilderoy Lockhart was immaculate in sweeping robes of turquoise, his golden hair shining under a perfectly positioned turquoise hat.”
Harry’s going to have bro chat with Sexy Prof.
Aaaaaaand Sexy Prof is kind of a douche.
“The cry of a mandrake is fatal to anyone who hears it.” Sort of like a Ke$ha song.
The description of the madrake is uh, it’s pretty shocking.
Wow, that howler has made Ron’s mood rather dickish.
Hermione has it bad for Sexy Prof. BUT WHO DOESN’T?
WHAT UP, COLIN CREEVEY?
“Yeah, it’s called a .gif – “A boy in my dormitory said if I develop the film in the right potion, the pictures’ll move.”
Ha, Colin Creevy is making it weird. SO WEIRD, you guys. Can’t stress that enough.
Dope insult, Ron – “Eat slugs, Malfoy.” B2p97
Colin was trying to mack on Harry but now Sexy Prof is in the mix.
I think my new thing is going to be calling whiskey “firewhiskey.” Because that just sounds badass.
PIXIE PARTY LOL!
Sexy Prof is as handsome as he is incompetent, it seems.
Sometimes it’s fun to pretend the characters are from like SOUTH London. “Oi, ‘arry, you seen my wand, bruv?”
For real though, why are you guys always solemnly swearing that you’re up to no good?
I solemnly swear that I will never use the expression “YOLO” while I tweet my way through the Harry Potter series.
Alright, so it’s that weird time of the day where it’s after dinner, but too early to go out. And I’m like, “HARRY POTTER.”[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER SEVEN: MUDBLOODS AND MURMURS
Ok, so Harry is avoiding Sexy Prof, but having a more difficult time avoiding Colin.
Oliver Wood is like “HAHA QUIDDITCH!” and Harry’s like “Bro, chill the fuck out.”
Colin is really the Neville of the first years.
Yeah Colin, you’ll get a really good seat. BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING PRACTICE YOU CREEP.
Oh shit, Slytherins just showed up to practice. It’s like that scene in D2: The Mighty Ducks when Iceland comes in and fucks shit up.
Draco is the new Slytherin seeker? Bitch, please.
Ron just gave himself slug mouth.
Oh for fuck’s sake. NOT NOW, COLIN.
So it turns out vomiting slugs is the same as regular vomiting – “I don’t think there’s anything to do except wait for it stop.” B2p114
Did you guys lose your boner for Sexy Prof when you found out he was a fake?
Apparently “mudblood” is like the c word.
Okay, so I just found out what “mudblood” means, and it doesn’t really sound that bad. But whatever. FUCK YOU, MALFOY.
Ginny’s got it bad for Harry. Hagrid’s making it weird.
Ron’s got detention with the Cat Bro and Harry has it with Sexy Prof.
I think that’s a Smiths song – “Come. Come to me. Let me rip you. Let me tear you. Let me kill you.” B2p120
I don’t really know what’s up with Sexy Prof, but I’mma find out.
Dude’s giving off strange vibes.
All right, chapter’s over. There’s some bourbon calling my name. Later, nerds.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 8: THE DEATHDAY PARTY
So it’s almost Halloween. Which means we’re probably about to get into some shit. None of those dope mini candy bars for Harry.
Nearly headless Nick is pissed about not getting to compete in the Headless Games or something.
That doesn’t sound super appropriate, Filch – “He was always begging Dumbledore to let him suspend students by their ankles from the ceiling.” B2p125
PEAVES! WHAT UP, SON? Great timing.
Filch is taking a University of Phoenix magic class online.
“These were long, thing, jet-black tapers, all burning bright blue, casting a dim, ghostly light even over their own living faces.” B2p131
Next time I throw a party that nobody shows up to, I’m just going to tell myself it’s a Deathday party for ghosts. And weep.
WHAT UP, MOANING MYRTLE? Haunting your toilets. Making it weird.
So far this ghost party sounds kinda lame.
Harry’s hearing that creepy voice again. I hope it’s just a Scooby Doo type situation.
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE.
Nothing like an enigmatic verse to draw you in.
Filch’s cat is dead. I’m gonna have to change his nickname from “Cat Bro” to something else.
Nothing like a hanging, dead cat to make Filch drop out of the University of Phoenix because he has to “figure some shit out.”[divider top="1"]
I’m procrastinating a little myself. Gotta build a coffee table I bought from IKEA, and I’m definitely not drunk enough to do that.
CHAPTER 9: THE WRITING ON THE WALL
Ok, Filch is upset about his cat, and understandably so. But threatening to kill a student is kind of borderline.
And that’s coming from the dude who wants to SUSPEND STUDENTS BY THEIR FUCKING ANKLES WHY ISN’T HE FIRED YET FOR REAL?
Ok, so Dumbledore is on the scene and he’s just like “Chill the fuck out. I got this.”
But now Snape, the Dowager Countess, and Sexy Prof are in the mix as well. This meeting is probably going to get out of hand.
(Oh, and for those of you who haven’t been following for awhile yet: Dowager Countess=McGonagall and Sexy Prof=Gilderoy Lockhart, obvs.)
You sick fuck – “Snape loomed behind them, wearing the most peculiar expression: It was as though he was trying hard not to smile.” B2p141
Oh shit, the cat isn’t even dead. Just “petrified.”
Looooot of accusations being thrown around. Filch is like “Fucking Potter did it.” And Harry’s just like “Seriously bro, Don’t even know how.”
Oh, and Filch is a Squib? Probably just another derogatory term we’re not supposed to use.
Snape is trying to get Harry kicked off the quidditch team and McGonagall is like “The fuck you say?”
And Sexy Prof is just prattling on about himself as one might come to expect.
Ha, very comforting, Ron – “No. hearing voices no one else can hear isn’t a good sign, even in the Wizarding world.” B2p145
THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING – “The whole thing’s weird.” – Harry Potter B2p145
So a Squib is basically the reverse of a muggleborn wizard. All the wizarding genes. None of the dope powers.
Uh oh, Ginny. That’s uh, that’s sort of a dealbreaker – “According to Ron, she was a great cat lover.” B2p146
Justin Finch-Fletchley just neg’d Harry in the hallway. Hermione is (somehow) reading more than usual.
Looks like everyone is trying to figure out this Chamber of Secrets mystery. JOIN THE CLUB.
Oh nice, Hermione bullied Ghost Prof into talking about the Chamber of Secrets in class.
Apparently 1000 years ago all names had to be alliterative – “Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin.”
“The story goes that Slytherin had built a hidden chamber in the castle, of which the other founders knew nothing.” – Professor Binns B2p150
So basically the Chamber of Secrets was just a place where Slytherins could hide their porn on campus.
Okay, hold up on that porn thing for a second. I may have been wrong.
“The heir alone would be able to unseal the Chamber of Secrets, unleash the horror within, and use it to purge the school of the unworthy.”
Is Draco the heir? Don’t tell me, but if Draco is the heir I’m gonna crack some skulls.
GIVEN YOUR PREVIOUS EXPEREINCES WHY WOULD YOU EVER THINK THAT? – “Can’t hurt to have a poke around.” – Harry Potter B2p154
Ron’s being a real princess about the spiders.
They are literally talking right in front of you, Myrtle – “I wish people would stop talking behind my back!” – B2p156
I know a lot of guys throw the word “crazy” around when they are talking about girls. And I don’t condone that. But myrtle is fucking crazy.
Percy and Ron are having it out in the girls’ bathroom. I wish Fred and George were in the mix for some comedic relief.
Okay, I take it back. Draco being the heir of Slytherin would be way too obvious. It’s probably like Hagrid or some shit.
I don’t understand. If you had Polyjuice, why would you just turn yourself into Ryan Gosling? All the ‘puff girls would be like “WHAT UP?”
Are ‘puff girls easy? I’m not really basing that on anything, it just kinda seems like they would be.
Valid and hilarious point, Ron – “What if we’re stuck looking like three of the Slytherins forever?” B2p159
That’s the end of CHAPTER 9. Time to build this coffee table. Now, where did I put my firewhiskey?[divider top="1"]
Reminder- At the end of the last chapter, our three heroes mentioned manipulating someone “thick” to learn how to make Polyjuice.
Sexy Prof is using Harry as an extra for all his “dramatic reenactment” b-roll.
Lockhart has an enormous peacock quill. You know, because a regular quill is a little too subtle.
So they’re using Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom as a base of operations for this Polyjuice caper. Which is more like the Chamber of Awkward.
Oh, for real? I thought it would be like mixing a Jack and Coke or some shit – “This is the most complicated potion I’ve ever seen.” – Hermione
Shredded skin of a boomslang? What the FUCK is a boomslang.
You know what, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
Ron is worried he’s gonna have to drink Crabbe’s “essence,” probably.
“I never thought I’d see the day when you’d be persuading us to break the rules.” – Ron Weasley
Oh shit, this potion is going to take a MONTH to make? That shit better taste like Ranger IPA.
Oh, fuck. Wood is getting me so amped right now – “Get that snitch before Malfoy, or die trying, Harry.” B2p167
I know you were trying to insult him, but that’s kind of a dope nickname – “All right there, Scarhead?” – Draco Malfoy
I can’t think of any two beaters I’d rather have on my side than Fred and George.
I’m starting to understand the title of this chapter. They keep knocking the bludger away from Harry but it just comes back like “WHAT UP?”
The way this bludger is following Harry around kinda makes Colin Creevey look like less of a creep.
Harry is calling of the Weasley twins like “I got this shit.”
Ha, even with a broken arm Harry was just like “FUCK YOU, DRACO” and locked the game down.
Ugh, Sexy Prof and Colin Creevey are making it weird again.
Oh for fuck’s sake, Sexy Prof – “Lockhart hadn’t mended Harry’s bones. He had removed them.” B2p173
WHAT UP, DOBBY?
Oh shit, Dobby is the one who sealed off the entrance to the platform? WTF DOBBY?
Haha, harry threated Dobby’s life and Dobby just kinda smiles like “Bitch, please.”
THE BLUDGER TOO, DOBBY? SON OF A BITCH.
The good news is, Colin Creevey is gonna take a little break from creepin’ on Harry. The bad new is that he’s uh, petrified.
From the incredibly dope horse’s mouth – “The Chamber of Secrets is indeed open again.” Albus Dumbledore B2p180
So Dumbledore is like “It’s not who, it’s how” and the Dowager Countess is like “The fuck?”
So how does petrification work? Is it like some dope spell or enchantment? Or do you like, slip it into someone’s drink?
Trying to figure out if the heir is a student or a teacher. And we can’t exactly pin it on Turban Prof this time around, can we?[divider top="1"]
Dueling club sounds pretty legit. It’s like dinner club, but with less stuffed ravioli and more fucking dueling.
Gross – “There was a clunk, a splash, and a gasp from within the stall and he saw Hermione’s eye peering through the keyhole.” B2p183
“You know what, Harry? If Dobby doesn’t stop trying to save your life, he’s going to kill you.” Ron Weasley B2p184
Ha, Neville just referred to himself as an “almost squib.” Which is great. I’m going to start telling girls “I’m almost a disappointment.”
I bet their plan to distract Snape during potions so Hermione can steal the skin or whatever will be executed PERFECTLY.
Does anyone know the recipe for Swelling Solution? Asking for a friend.
HARRY JUST CHERRYBOMBED THE SHIT OUT OF GOYLE’S POTION.
And the rest of class looks like they just got their wisdom teeth out.
Wow, I can’t believe the “fireworks in class” scheme worked. If I had known that, I would’ve gotten out of ALLLLL the Latin tests.
Fucking Lockhart is the dueling club professor. UGH.
Dueling club is a little more formal than I had previously envisioned. I thought it would be more of a Fight Club situation.
Hustle Tip: If you find yourself dueling someone, shouting “Expelliarmus seems to have a dope effect.
Oh shit yeah, we got a Potter vs. Malfoy matchup. FUCK HIS SHIT UP, HARRY.
Ron is up against some Irishman, and Hermione has some bruiser named Bulstrode.
Draco, you are the perfect asshole – “Harry swung his wand high, but Malfoy had already started on ‘two’” B2p192
You hit Malfoy with a TICKLING SPELL? Seriously, bro?
Great. Hermione has ditched her wand and is fighting hockey style while Harry and Draco ARE IN A FUCKING TICKLE FIGHT.
A FUCKING SNAKE JUST CAME OUT OF DRACO’S WAND, Y’ALL.
So the snake is locked in on Harry and Harry’s just like “Oh for fuck’s sake.” But then Sexy Prof comes over and is like “GTFOOOOOO.”
Needless to say the snake is pissed at this point, and is taking it out on Justin Flug-Fogley.
Harry and this snake have sort of a bro moment, and the snake is like “Whateves, I’m going to see Best Coast later anyway” and peaces out.
That’s Harry’s second bro moment with a snake, right? Remember the Brazillian Python from the Sorcerer’s Stone? Interesting.
Oh, okay. So it turns out Harry is a “Parselmouth.” Which doesn’t make it sound like a good thing.
“A boa constrictor told you it had never seen Brazil?” B2p195
I’m learning so much about being a Parseltongue right now. Shit’s crazy.
Now because of this snake ebonics thing, people are going to think Harry is the heir. Even Ron and Hermione are like “Bro?”
Ok, we got a gaggle of ‘puffs in the library talking shit behind Harry’s back. Everyone is pretty convinced Harry is the heir.
I still think the Heir of Slytherin is Hagrid, so if I was a ‘puff I would’ve been steering that conversation in a different direction.
Harry really needs to lower his voice if he’s going to be in the library.
So Justin Flip-Floppy and Nearly Headless Nick are both petrified. I bet NO ONE is going to see Harry standing next to them and jump to conclusions.
Oh nice, they’re about to check out Dumbledore’s bachelor pad. Bet that shit is dope.
Really curious to know what Dumbledore’s apartment looks like. I bet there’s a lot of like, erotic art and shit.
So like, what’s going on with Ravenclaw? Are they still a thing? I’ve almost finished Chamber of Secrets and they are nowhere to be found.
Buncha nerds. Probably nerdin’ it up somewhere.
I figured they would be in that library scene where the ‘puffs were talking shit about Harry. But no mention.
Honestly, the books haven’t even really communicated that Ravenclaws are studious yet. That’s just a thing I’ve picked up from other people.
And that ‘puff girls are a little slutty. But I can’t say for sure on either account.
The other thing, real quick before I start the next chapter, is that we still haven’t gotten to the sweet fucking bird that’s on the cover.
Which makes me think it’s another unicorn type situation. So hopefully nobody is eating bird feathers for power or whatever.[divider top="1"]
Ok, two seconds into this chapter and Harry’s already fucking with shit in Dumbledore’s office. Do NOT put the sorting hat on, bro.
The sorting hat is like “WHAT UP?” And Harry’s like “You sure about Gryffindor?” And the hat is like “Bro, we’ve been over this.”
OH SHIT IT’S THE BIRD – “Standing on a golden perch behind the door was a decrepit-looking bird that resembled a half-plucked turkey.” B2p206
Spoke too soon, you guys.
The bird just burst into flames and Dumbledore’s just like “Yeah, that happens.”
The bird is a PHOENIX. And all this time I thought they were JUST metaphor.
Hagrid just bursts in like “Look, Albus Driver, it wasn’t fucking Harry.” And feathers from the dead bird in his hand are going everywhere.
“Yeah, he’s off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant.” – George Weasley B2p210
Just got an update from Hermione that their bathroom potion is almost ready.
Ew, Scabbers sleeps in your bed with you? BOUNDARIES, RON.
Ha, the Dursleys sent him a toothpick for Christmas. You spent more on the stamp than the present JUST to be assholes.
Do they have stamps in the UK? I mean, it’s a moot point because a fucking owl delivered it, but still.
Nah, I’m sure they do. Some bro from Scotland made me some dope cufflinks a few weeks ago.
Ugh, now Harry has two dope-ass sweaters from Mrs. Weasley and I don’t even have one.
That sounds so wonderful – “Dumbledore led them in a few of his favorite carols, Hagrid booming more loudly with every goblet of eggnog.”
That seems like something that should’ve been discussed already – “We also need to make sure the real Crabbe and Goyle can’t burst in on us.”
HAHA, that’s the first time this has come up when they are plotting and scheming – “That could go seriously wrong.” B2p213
This Polyjuice potion sounds gross as fuck.
Hermione is acting a little weird after her transformation so harry and Ron are like “Dude, whatever” and just go on their own.
Woops, they asked some Ravenclaw chick to help them get into the Slytherin Hall. THAT’S BECAUSE WE NEVER SEE RAVENCLAWS.
It’s nice to know they’re still a thing.
But for real though, not a great start. Leaving loose ends all over the place.
Draco, shut your fucking mouth – “Father always said old Dumbledore’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to this place.” B2p222
I hate Malfoy, and you guys know that, but his Colin Creevey impression is mostly on point.
Now Draco is just openly hoping that Hermione gets killed. And I’m openly hoping he contracts hepatitis.
And what did the Earl of Grantham have to say about that? – You know the Ministry of Magic raided our manor last week?” – Draco Malfoy B2p224
Hermione has turned herself into a cat! Just like fucking Animporphs.
Or are you guys too young for that shit? Either way, it was dope.
So we didn’t find out TOO much. But we did confirm that Draco is not faking it. He is literally always an asshole.[divider top="1"]
Ok, so this botched bathroom potion is no joke. Hermione has been in the hospital for weeks. Which is like a shitload of time in cat years.
She’s got a get-well-soon card from Sexy Prof under her pillow and Ron is just like “Dude, gross.”
Dude, stole my line – “What’s up, Myrtle?” – Harry Potter B2p229
That would certainly help my rap career – “Everyone who read Sonnets of a Sorcerer spoke in limericks for the rest of their lives.”
The book Myrtle is bitching about is an old diary from some bro T.M. Riddle.
So Ron is like “This journal is fucking empty” and Harry looks at him over the top of his hipster glasses like “THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT, RON.”
Dope rhyme, Peeves – “Oh Potter, you rotter.”
That ‘puff Ernie Macmillan is still being a total douche. “IT WAS POTTER BECAUSE SNAKES.”
Everyone is just facepalming the shit out Lockhart’s little Valentine’s Day gag.
Wow, this dwarf is DETERMINED to sing this valentine to Harry. Tackling him in the halls and shit.
That’s a little selfish, but I’ll allow it – “He was one-up on Malfoy, and that was worth five points from Gryffindor any day.” B2p239
OH SHIT THE DIARY IS TALKING TO HARY.
Tom Riddle is just like “WHAT UP, HARRY?”
Harry is literally g-chatting with Tom Riddle through the diary.
Now Harry is going to watch his memories. Riddle’s like “Can we use your Netflix account, though? My parents aren’t paying for mine anymore.”
I’m gonna go ahead and assume that the chick who died 50 years ago is Myrtle.
I bet 50-years-younger Dumbledore was the shit.
Well, I may have trouble sleeping after this incident with the GIANT FUCKING SPIDER.
Harry thinks Hagrid did it. But I think Hagrid is way too chill of a bro to do something like that.
Even though I was joking about it a few chapters ago.
CH 13: Harry did a mind-meld with Tom Riddle. Lockhart was douchin’ it up. Hermione got over her cat flu.
How long did it take you guys to become super attached to these characters? Because this thing I have with Peeves is starting to feel real.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is trending. I can only assume it’s because of my dope commentary.[divider top="1"]
No one has been attacked for a couple months. The mandrakes are getting horny. Things are looking up.
Harry and Ron want to quit Potions and DADA, respectively. To that I would say CHEER UP YOU ATTEND A SCHOOL FOR FUCKING MAGIC.
Haha, Hermione is just like “Fuck it” and signs up for everything.
Harry and Ron sign up for the same classes because ADORABLE.
OH FUCK NO. Someone ransacked Harry’s room and stole the fucking Netflix diary!
They come to the conclusion that only a Gryffindor could have broken in, forgetting that like 3 chapters ago they broke into Slytherin.
Harry hears the creepy voice again and almost shits himself. Hermione is like “I’ve got it!” and peaces out.
Talking about Hermione – “When in doubt, go to the library.” – Ron Weasley B2p255
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m never too worried when there’s a match against the ‘puffs. It’s just really hard to take them seriously.
OH SHIT HERMIONE HAS BEEN PETRIFIED and some other girl BUT MOSTLY HERMIONE NOOOOOOOO.
After this round of attacks, the school is pretty much on lockdown Can’t even go to the restroom without a teacher. Filch is like “Go on?”
They want to bro down with Hagrid and figure this shit out. And Ron is like “We can’t leave?” and Harry’s like “INVISIBILITY CLOAK, BITCH.”
Haha, Ron stubs his toe and yells “SHIT SAUCE” but Snape sneezes at the same time? So we’re good.
Hagrid keeps sticking his crossbow in everyone’s grill.
Oh shit, Dumbledore and Warlock Holmes just showed up to Hagrid’s like “WHAT UP?”
The dude with the “lime-green bowler” is Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of magic. Not some dope wizard detective like I was hoping for.
They want to take Hagrid to Azkaban, which is like the wizard version of Sing Sing I guess.
Oh for fuck’s sake, ANOTHER knock at Hagrid’s door. It’s probably Snape like “I just want to watch.”
Now fucking Lucius Malfoy is here and all kinds of shit is hitting the fan.
They’re taking Hagrid to Folsom Prison and now Lucius is threatening Dumbledore with suspension.
Dumbledore’s like “If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine, bro.”
“I’m not saying that there’s anyone else in this room who is invisible, but if there WAS I would tell them to follow the spiders.” Hagrid, probably.
Okay, that chapter was BULLSHIT.
Dumbledozer AND Hagrid are peacing out. Lucius Malfoy is on the scene. Harry and Ron are following the SPIDERS? Dark days, my friends.[divider top="1"]
Half of you are studying for finals and the other half are watching Mad Men. I won’t say which, but half of you are being lame as shit.
CHAPTER 15: ARAGOG
: ( – “Fear had spread as never before, so that the sun warming the castle walls outside seemed to stop at the mullioned windows.” B2p265
Draco is like “YOU should be the fucking headmaster” and Snape is like “Ahhh, go on!”
Draco, shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.
THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, RON – “I don’t care, I don’t need my wand, I’m going to kill him with my bare hands.” B2p267
“Shrivelfig” is just a hilarious, dirty sounding word.
Oh, the spiders are heading to the Forbidden Forest. No, yeah, I’m sure it’s fine.
Ron is like “The Forbidden Forest, bro?” And Harry is all “Dude, it’s cool. The Centaurs are some chill bros. We’ll be fine.”
Posted without commentary – “Instead he contented himself with scrawling a note to Ron: ‘Lets do it tonight.’” B2p270
Ha, Harry leaves the invisibility cloak at Hagrid’s like “I’m sure we’ll have no use for this in the terrifying fucking forest.”
Haha, the car just shows up out of nowhere like “WHAT UP?”
OMFG GIANT SPIDERS HAVE TAKEN HARRY AND RON.
“Not tiny spiders like those surging over the leaves below. Spiders the size of carhorses, eight-eyed, black, hairy, and gigantic.” B2p276
WTF WHY DID YOU GUYS LET ME READ THIS CHAPTER SO CLOSE TO BEDTIME?
Either the spiders are speaking English or Harry has “Arachnidmouth,” too.
Hagrid and Aragog are bros, I’m finding.
That doesn’t bode well for anyone – “The thing that lives in the castle is an ancient creature we spiders fear above all others.” – B2p278
The Flying car is just like “LETS GTFOOOOOO.”
This is some Knight Rider shit right here, y’all.
Ron is pissed at Hagrid, and understandably so.
I can’t believe Hagrid would so haphazardly send them to a bunch of Volvo-sized spiders who were waiting to MURDER THE FUCK OUT OF THEM.
The chapter ends with them putting the pieces together about Myrtle. And the rest of us are like “that was like 4 chapters a ago, guys.”
It just occurred to me that the third book is called “The Prisoner of Azkaban.” THAT BETTER NOT STILL BE HAGRID UP IN THERE.[divider top="1"]
We’ve had some new people joining us over the last few days, and to them I would like to say welcome. I’ll try not to make it weird.
Side note: I just injured myself trying to scoop some ice cream. I regret nothing.
CHAPTER 16: THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
I’m assuming this chapter is the climax of the book, so you can expect a decent amount of cursing and definitely some caps lock abuse.
Story of my life – “All those times we were in the bathroom and she was just three toilets away.” – Harry Potter B2p283
PETA is gonna have a problem with that – “Harry looked down at the pair of white rabbits he was supposed to be turning into slippers.”
They are at a school of magic, and Ron still hasn’t found a way to fix or replace his wand.
DUMBLEDORE IS COMING BACK AWWWW YEAH.
I’m pretty sure Ginny caught Percy masturbating in his room. Makin’ it weird.
I bet the piece of paper in Hermione’s hand is like “The fucking butler did it!”
The description of the Basilisk is pretty dope until you get to the part that’s like “But yeah, the crow of a rooster will do the trick.”
And SOMEONE has been going around murdering roosters. When that was mentioned awhile ago I kinda wrote it off as a weird fetish thing.
Oh, the Scooby Doo voice Harry has been hearing makes perfect sense now.
Ha, the pipes? This giant serpent has been getting around the school like he’s fucking Mario.
“Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever.” B2p293
THE FUCKING SNAKE HAS GINNY?
OH HELL NO.
Can’t we just like, transform a bookcase into a rooster and hit this goddamn serpent king where it hurts?
Snape is usually a big ol’ douche, but right now he’s hanging Lockhart out to dry in front of all the other profs and it’s magnificent.
Ugh, seriously Lockhart? Fuck you.
Ron’s wand backfiring on Lockhart was pretty fucking satisfying.
The chapter ends with Harry walking into the Chamber of Secrets. Roosterless and brave.[divider top="1"]
Tonight I’m going to find out who the Heir of Slytherin is. And I’m probably going to swear at him.
CHAPTER 17: THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN
“More carved serpents rose to support a ceiling lost in darkness, casting long, black shadows through the odd, greenish gloom.” B2p306
Ok, so Tom Riddle’s hologram is like “WHAT UP?” And Harry is like “Ginny?” And Tom is like “Well, she’s not TECHNICALLY dead, but basically.”
OH FUCK YOU, TOM RIDDLE.
I HOPE TUPAC PISTOL WHIPS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU AT THE HOLOGRAM GRAMMYS.
Harry is like “You didn’t even kill the cat,” which is a pretty sick burn. But then Riddle is like “Just trying to kill you, bro.”
Riddle’s Bond villain wrap-up speech is just going on forever. Where is the rooster snake?
HOLY SHIT TOM RIDDLE IS FUCKING VOLDEMORT, YOU GUYS.
Riddle is like “I’m the #1 Sorcerer according to Ask Jeeves.” And Harry’s like “Nuh-uh, dude. Dumbledore.” And Riddle is like “Whateves.”
So Fawkes shows up singing the hook to “Call me Maybe” and it’s literally causing Harry physical pain. Which I totally get.
So weirdly, Tom Riddle is just like explaining things to Harry. “THAT’S a fucking phoenix, and THAT’S the old-as-shit sorting hat.”
“Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four.” B2p317
FAWKES JUST RIPPED THE SNAKE’S EYEBALLS OUT HOLY SHIT THAT’S DOPE AS FUCK.
Okay, so now the basilisk is blind and Harry has a sword. That sort of evens things up right? HARRY VS. ROOSTER SNAKE.
Ha Riddle keeps yelling at the snake like “Oh, you can’t see anymore? I’m SOOO sorry.” Just fucking smell him.”
But I don’t think snakes have a good sense of smell? Like, they use their tongue and shit. You know what, doesn’t matter.
Harry just stabbed the shit out of that snake’s head!
Okay, little bit of a set back. I’m sure it’s fine, but Harry sort of has a deadly, venomous fang in his body. But I’m sure it’s whatever.
I think the phoenix is crying bourbon tears or something, because Harry is feeling fine now.
“Oooooh, I remember just now that phoenix tears are like the only thing that could save you. MAN I can’t believe I forgot that shit.” – Tom Riddle
Oh man, snake fang right into the diary. Riddle is like “THAT WAS MY ONLY DRAFT YOU DICK. I SPILLED COFFEE ON MY HARDRRIVE FUUUUUUUUUUU.”
Ha, Ginny wakes up and sees the giant fucking snake and blood all over Harry like “What HAPPENED last night?”
Ron is like “GINNY YOU’RE ALIVE. Whoa, Harry, that bird is dope as fuck.”
Gross, Myrtle – “I’d just been thinking, if you had died, you’d have been welcome to share my toilet.” B2p326
Okay, so yeah. Lockhart doesn’t’ know who the fuck he is. The phoenix flies them out of the Chamber. And they’re about to talk to McGonogall.
I mean, if I were Lockhart, I’d want to forget who I am too. So I think it’s fine.
CH 17: Tom Riddle is Voldemort / an asshole. Harry ruined his autobiography, and Ginny is safe and sound.[divider top="1"]
Okay, time for the dénouement.
CHAPTER 18: DOBBY’S REWARD
Oh shit, Dobby. I kinda forgot about you, bro.
WHAT UP, MRS. WEASLEY? WHAT UP, MR. WEASLY?
God, I bet Harry looks so fucking badass covered in blood just like “Yeah, I saved your daughter. No big deal.”
Professor McGonogall is like “The Fuck? How’d you guys pull THAT one out of your asses?”
I’m just going to say it right now. If Harry only gets 50 points for Gryffindor for all this shit, I’m going to lose my fucking mind.
Oh man, Harry and Dumbledozer have a bro moment with eye contact like “How should we phrase this so Ginny doesn’t get expelled?”
Dumbledore’s shady-ass sources say that Voldemort is in Albania because OF COURSE he is. No place to hide out like the Balkans, right?
Ha, Mr. Weasley’s like “GINNY HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WITH GCHAT DIARIES BECAUSE OF THEIR BRAINS?” It’s confusing.
That makes it sound so cute – “There will be no punishment. Older and wiser wizards than she have been hoodwinked by Lord Voldemort.” B2p330
Okay, 200 points a piece. Sounds about right. Except Harry should’ve gotten a fuckton more. All Ron did was shift some rocks around.
Posted without commentary – “Voldemort put a bit of himself in ME?” – Harry Potter B2p333
“It’s our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” – Albus Dumbledore B2p333
Dumbledore’s like “You think that sword is a fucking rabbit? Nah, bro. Only a true Gryffindor coulda pulled that shit out of the hat.”
And now he’s texting Azkaban like “Can u send Hagrid back 2 Hogwarts plz?”
Psh, and now he thinks he’s fucking Don Draper, putting an ad in the Daily Prophet.
I can write that ad for you, Dumbledore. It’d be something like “CAN WE GET A FUCKING DADA PROF THAT ISN’T A TRAITOR OR A COWARD PLEASE?”
WHAT UP, LUCIUS? YOU FUCKING DICK HOLE.
“Yeah, no, basically everyone was like ‘Albus Driver, we need you back at Hogwarts’ and I was like ‘Sounds good, bros.’” – Dumbledore
RELAX, BRO – “Behind his back, Dobby was pointing, first to the diary, then to Lucius Malfoy, then punching himself in the head.” B2p336
OH SHIT, I totally forgot that Lucius put all those books in Ginny’s bag like a total dick. Harry is basically like “Yeah, fuck you, Lucius.”
OH FUCK YEAH SWEET GRAB DOBBY, YOU WONDERFUL, FREE SON OF A BITCH.
Dobby’s like “You shall not harm Harry Potter” and then BOOM fucking Malfoy gets laid out.
That’s sort of an awkward construction but I’ll allow it – “Harry Potter is great by far than Dobby knew!”
That sounds dope as fuck – “Everyone was in their pajamas, and the celebration lasted all night.” B2p339
ALL THE EXAMS ARE CANCELED FUCK YES.
Oh nice, Percy’s got a little Ravenclaw piece of ass. He’s like “She’s smart AND sexy, kind of.”
These are the things I love about Rowling’s writing – “All those times I could’ve died, and I didn’t manage it? They’ll be furious.” B2p341
And so ends HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
Ha, so I read J.K. Rowling’s little blurb at the end. It says “She lives in Scotland with her family.”
But I think if you read in between the lines it says “She lives in Scotland in some sweet fucking castle with her family, probably.”
After I finish Harry Potter I’m going to start a band called Juan Direction that exclusively plays mariachi covers of One Direction songs.
So like, when does Gandalf come to Hogwarts as a guest lecturer? I know I said no spoilers, but for real though.
He’d be like ‘WHAT UP?” And Dumbledore would be like “HAHA CLASSIC GANDALF.”
I have to say my favorite thing about the books so far has been all the sexual tension between Professor McGonogall and, well, me.