I’ll only say this once and let it go, but “Azkaban” is not the easiest one to type on the fly. I don’t use that Z key too often.
Unless I’m like “4realz, Ron Weasley is soooooo dreamy omg.” Which happens from time to time. But whatever.
Anyway, here we go.
CHAPTER 1: OWL POST
Harry’s all worried about the sound of his quill annoying the Dursleys. HARRY JUST USE YOUR IPAD, BRO.
So I get a little impatient with all the recap in the first chapter, forgetting that most people read these books a year or two apart.
Ha, Ron is quite literally like “WHAT UP?” on the phone.
I either forgot or didn’t know that Hedwig was a girl.
Either way Hedwig is like “BRO, SERIOUSLY LET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS THING.” And Mr. Dursley’s like “Whateves.”
Oh shit, Happy Birthday Harry! You are now old enough to go see those movies about you.
“Harry had to admit he was lucky to have reached his thirteenth birthday.” B3p6
Errol is like “FUCK THIS” and lets two other owls carry him.
Ron’s letter is sort of dickish but I’ll allow it. He’s like “Oh yeah, we won a shitload of gold and now we’re just chillin’ in Egypt. What are you up to?”
Fucking awesome – “There were all these mutant skeletons in there, of muggles who’d broken in and grown extra heads and stuff.” – B2p9
Percy is Head Boy. I just really don’t give a shit.
Ha, and he pinned the Head Boy badge to his fez hat. I didn’t really think you could make a fez hat look MORE ridiculous, but there you go.
A “sneakoscope” is supposed to light up and spin when someone untrustworthy is around. I DOUBT THAT’S GOING TO COME INTO PLAY LATER.
Ron is in Egypt. Hermione is France. Harry’s just glad not be locked UNDER THE FUCKING STAIRS.
I sorta thought that shit would be self-explanatory but I guess not – “A handbook Do-It-Yourself Broomcare.”
Oh, and something from Hagrid too. Do you think Hagrid got some sweet fucking prison tattoo? Did he join a gang? I hope so, you guys.
This Monster Book of Monsters is like “COME AT ME, BRO.”
Soooo hot – “Yours sincerely, Professor M. McGonagall. Deputy Headmistress.”
So now Harry just needs to figure out how to forge a signature on his filed trip form. Which, being a wizard, shouldn’t be too challenging.
CH 1: Ron’s kickin’ in Egypt. Hermione’s is chillin’ France. Harry’s birthday presents are biting him. Normal stuff.
Hermione’s French vacation reminds me – My new single “Muggles in Paris” is about to drop. Probably not on iTunes, though. Or anywhere else.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MRS. WEASLEY.[divider top="1"]
Dudley is complaining that the walk between the fridge and television is too long. AND FINALLY DUDLEY AND I CAN AGREE ON SOMETHING.
Oh come on – “The public is warned that Black is armed and extremely dangerous. Any sighting of Black should be reported.” B3p17
Aunt Marge sounds like THE WORST. No surprises there.
Actually, having to “stick to the story” of attending the Center of Incurably Criminal Boys sounds really fun. Like an SNL sketch.
Oh shit. Harry is going to cooperate with Fat Marge in exchange for a signature on the permission slip. I like where this is going.
Harry’s like “Hedwig, can you peace out for a minute?” And Hedwig is like “OH FOR F…are you SERIOUS? Fine, whatever.”
So like, a really depressing prostitute basically – “Dudley only put up with Aunt Marge’s hugs because he was well paid for it.” B3p22
I’m sorry, I just don’t believe that people would be ashamed of having a wizard for a nephew. That’d be so chill.
Fuck you, Aunt Marge. Seriously.
Posted without commentary – “Must have squeezed it too hard. Did the same thing to Colonel Fubster’s the other day.” B3p26
So Fat Marge is pulling a “Violet Beauregarde” from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” But like, sans the three-course gum.
What I’m trying to see is she’s blowing up like a blimp and peacing the fuck out.
Vernon is like “Get back the fuck in here and make her less fat” and Harry’s like “Ha, I’m only a wizard. Can’t help you.”
CH 2: Aunt Marge is fat and terrible. Vernon is like “Pack your knives and go.”
I feel like I’m the only thing with a penis that hasn’t seen Avengers yet.[divider top="1"]
It occurred to me today that Harry just stormed off with his camp trunk without leaving Hedwig a note like “This place blowz, I’m out.”
Hedwig is going to show up back at the Dursleys like “WHAT UP?” and look like a total douche.
CHAPTER 3: THE KNIGHT BUS
Now Harry is sitting alone in the dark contemplating his next move. And let me tell you. Outlook does not look good.
Ha, “Muggle Police” is what we should always call the police. They would LOVE that. Because police officers love to laugh at themselves.
So basically Harry is like “I’m already fucked, might as well break ALL the rules and get fucking PAID.”
OH SHIT YEAH THE KNIGHT BUS IS HERE Y’ALL.
Knight Bus is like the AAA of the wizarding world.
WHAT UP, STAN SHUNPIKE?
So in England, they call bus drivers “conductors.” That sounds like a promotion if I’ve ever heard one.
Ha, harry gives the name “Neville Longbottom” as his alias. Can’t really get more under the radar than that. Well played.
Okay, I have to redact my previous joke about conductors and bus drivers, because the driver of this particular bus is ERNIE. Sorry gang.
It’s about fucking time we have a character from South London – “Don’ listen properly, do they? Never notice nuffink, they don’.” – Stan Shunpike B3p36
Ernie is texting while he’s trying to drive because this fucking bus is all over the place.
Stan is condescending the shit out of Harry, which is about par for the course as far as the Neville namesake goes.
Okay, so the bro from the beginning is Sirius Black and he sounds pretty hard. Murdered 13 people with a single curse.
So if Voldemort is Darth Vader, then Sirius Black is like Grand Moff Tarkin or some shit.
Oh shit, Cornelius Fudge is bar hopping at the Leaky Cauldron like “I AM THE MINISTER OF THIS JAGER BOMB, BITCH.”
Okay, so the shit with Fat Marge has cooled off. Fudge is like “I gotchu, bro.” And Harry’s like “Fuck that noise, I h8 them.”
And it’s like, Harry is rich as fuck. Why doesn’t he just stay at a wizard whorehouse during the summer? “The Witch with no Wardrobe” or something.
Harry keeps insisting that he be expelled and Fudge is like “WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING THIS A THING?”
Oh good, Hedwig is in the room already watching Game of Thrones on the free HBO.
I’m inclined to agree – “It’s been a very weird night, Hedwig.” – Harry Potter B3p48
CH 3: An Enterprise car picks Harry up in a jam, Sirius Black is at large, and the Minister of Magic is acting weird.
But that could’ve been the Jäger talking.[divider top="1"]
“This dude at the Ice Cream Parlor is giving Harry “free sundaes every half an hour.” Harry’s like “MY DIET STARTS TOMORROW, FLOREAN.”
If you ask me to play Gobstones with you, I would politely decline. Then I would say “THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
“A Wizarding game like marbles, in which the stones squirt a nasty-smelling liquid into the other player’s face when they lose a point.” B3p50
Oh shit, this Firebolt sounds dope as fuck.
Ha, the Irish side is the favorite to win the world cup? Quidditch must really not be much like soccer, then.
It’s like he forgot that two books ago the Nimbus 2000 fucking rocked his face off. He’s a next year’s model kinda bro.
Okay, never mind. Like two sentences later he comes to the same conclusion.
Harry should just preemptively buy a bunch of sweet as potions at the apothecary. Since he probably knows he’s gonna get into some shit.
Harry’s like “I already got that shiz” and the dude at the bookstore is like “Bro, thank you. They keep biting the fuck out of my hand.”
You had me at ‘broken balls’ – “Broken Balls: When Fortunes Turn Foul.” B3p53
I wish the book was “Death Omens: What To Expect When You’re Expecting The Worst” instead. But whateves.
Oh shit, the mirror just talked to Harry. I’m glad my mirror doesn’t talk to me because that shit would be DEPRESSING.
REUNITED WITH HIS BROS. Hermione looks tan. Ron just looks sunburned.
Everyone’s got a room at the Leaky Cauldron. It’s like fucking prom night on Diagon Alley.
Hermione has like 6 extra bags of books and she’s like “THIS IS JUST FOR THE FIRST SEMESTER LOL!”
SCABBERS, WHAT UP? You feelin’ alright, bro? You’re looking a little droopy in those whiskers, son.
The chick at the pet store is like “Yeah, I dunno, they get like that.” Poor Scabbers.
THAT WAS A DICK MOVE, CROOKSHANKS.
But seriously though, how many of you have a pet you named “Crookshanks?” Kind of a sweet fucking name.
“It was either a very big cat or quite a small tiger.” – Harry Potter B3p60
OH SHIT YEAH CROOKSHANKS IS PART OF THE CREW FULL TIME NOW.
Suggested fan fiction – “Good Cop, Rat Cop: The Adventures of Crookshanks and Scabbers”
They keep alluding to the Azkaban guards like they are the shit. Are they fucking Spartans or something? “THIS. IS. AZKABAAAAAAN!”
There you go again, Ginny. Making it weird.
Fred and George SLAY me. They are the Abbot and Costello of the wizarding world.
Seriously though, if someone casually told me “you’re being such a Percy right now” I’d be legitimately offended.
There’s a weird thing about the cars. It’s pretty clear now that they have a reason to believe Sirius Black is coming after Harry.
“If Black can break out of Azkaban, he can break into Hogwarts.” – Arthur Weasley B3p65
Soooo you’ll be there in like 6 chapters – “What bothered Harry most was that his chances of visiting Hogsmeade now looked like zero.” B3p68
CH 4: Sirius Black is after Harry, we got some shady Azkaban guards in the mix, and we added a sweet fucking cat named Crookshanks to the crew.
SHIT IS HAPPENING, Y’ALL. Next stop – Hogwarts. It’s about time, too. I have a date with a gal named Minerva.[divider top="1"]
The motorcade to the train station was tragically uneventful. I thought we were going to get into a “SPEED” situation.
“They looked up to see the Hogwarts Express, a scarlet steam engine, puffing smoke over a platform packed with witches and wizards.” B3p71
I don’t care how old I get, trains are always going to be so fucking cool to me.
Yeah you were – “He was quite embarrassed, but really quite pleased, when she gave him an extra hug.” – B3p72
“I just want to make sure you don’t go looking for Sirius. This isn’t fucking Sirius FM Satellite Radio. This is serious shit.” – Arthur
WHAT UP, LUPIN?
Oh wait, this bro is the new DADA prof? I DON’T KNOW WHAT BUT THAT FUCKING DUDE DID IT. JUST THROW HIM OFF THE TRAIN RIGHT NOW.
“I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.” – Harry fucking Potter B3p75
The Sneakoscope is going fucking bananas.
Ha, Hermione is like “Hogsmeade has interesting culture and history” and Ron is like “I just want to put chocolate in my face.”
Ron and Crookshanks are ADORABLE together.
Ugh, fucking Draco and his goons are here. For real though, how have Crabbe and Goyle not failed out yet? Dudes are dumb as shit.
Yeah Draco, making fun of the Weasley household financial situation is definitely not something you’ve ever done before and it’s fresh.
Lupin must be pretty fucking shithouse not to wake up during any of this.
Oh shit, the train stopped and everything is pitch black. This is just like that scene in Predator 2.
Lupin just lights his hands on fire and is like “I got this. Everyone be cool.”
HOLY SHIT THIS CORPSE IN THE CLOAK IS EATING HARRY’S SOUL.
No Ron, he’s not okay. A fucking corpse demon just sucked his lifeforce out like a goddamn Capri Sun.
Harry heard screaming and nobody else did. Past experience would tell us that there is a frightened snake somewhere on the train.
OH WAIT THE DEMENTOR IS STILL FUCKING STANDING THERE. THAT IS SO FUCKING CREEPY.
The Dementor was like “I know that lanky kid with the hair just had a seizure or some shit, but like I was saying, have you seen Sirius?”
Harry is like “Wait, so none of you were cowering on the floor just now?” And Ron is like “Nah, dude. You really bitched out back there.”
WHAT UP, HAGRID?”
If Harry is going to be crippled with fear every time he encounters a Dementor, this is going to be a really long school year for him.
Neville you fucking traitor. Why would you tell Malfoy of all people that Harry fainted like a chick in one of those movies from the 30’s.
I’m sorry Draco, but calling a professor “Professor” is not a very good burn. B3p88
Ha, the nurse is like “OH THIS FUCKING GUY AGAIN? GTFO.”
Poppy is all “Yeah, they’re tough on people who are delicate” and Harry’s like “I’m not!” And she’s like “That’s not what Neville told me lol.”
If chocolate is a “remedy,” I want to know what white-powder doughnuts do.
Oh, McGonagall wants to have a chat about Hermione’s course schedule. And Hermione’s like “Do you have a couple hours?”
“You couldn’t help trust Albus Dumbledore.” B3p91
“Oh, also, not that any of you have an invisibility cloak, because why would you and why would I know about it? But if you did, don’t use it.”
OH SHIT YEAH HAGRID GOT A PROMOTION, Y’ALL.
Don’t tell any Slytherins, ‘puffs, or ‘claws, but the new password is “Fortuna Major.”
CH 5: Harry had some trouble keeping his cool around the dementor, Hagrid is a prof now, and Draco is still a douche.[divider top="1"]
Right off the bat, Draco is douching it up with his Slytherin cohorts. Doing an impression of Harry that he wasn’t even there to see.
Wow, some chick named Pansy Parkinson is in the mix. She was described as looking like a pug. Which is unfortunate for pugs everywhere.
Ron is like “Hermione, you LITERALLY have three classes at the exact same time. That is too many classes.” And she’s like “Bitch, please.”
Ha, Hagrid just shows up out of fucking nowhere with a dead cat, I guess? Sure. Maybe that’s just his new thing now that he’s a prof.
Some professors have tweed jackets and elbow patches. Hagrid has dead polecats.
In typical Draco fashion, he’s still doing the same impression of Harry. Because he likes to stick with the winners.
Ha, this knight in the painting is dope as fuck – “Draw, you knaves, you dogs!” – B3p100
They are having a tough time finding the north tower. Just google-map that shit, you guys.
Oh shit, I think they just stumbled into an opium den?
WHAT UP, PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY?
Oh for real? – “I find that descending too often into the hustle and bustle of the main school clouds my Inner Eye.” – Trelawney B3p103
Looks like Trelawney isn’t a fan of the hustle. I’M NOT EVEN MADE, THOUGH.
Let’s look at the evidence, shall we: Skinny, oversize glasses, wearing a shawl. I think she will henceforth be known as Hipster Prof.
Ha, she’s like “How’s your gram gram, Neville?” and Neville’s like “Fine?” And she’s like “I DON’T THINK SO, LOL.”
Then she’s like “Oh also, NBD but one of you is going to be dead as fuck by Easter. LET’S DRINK SOME TEA.”
“Try to see past the mundane. Like you’re watching an episode of Big Bang Theory.”
Basically everything in Harry’s teacup is bullshit. No surprise there.
Harry’s got the GRIM! I think I had that once in college after Spring Break in Mexico, actually.
DEATH OMEN FER HARRY : (
McGonagall is like “ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU’RE NOT IMPRESSED BY THAT SHIT? I JUST TURNED INTO A FUCKING CAT.”
Ha, so Minerva is like “Don’t listen to that fucking hipster. Bitch is crazy.”
“You will excuse me if I don’t let you off homework today. I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in.” – McGonagall B3p109
I think I’m gonna have to finish Chapter 6 tomorrow. I have some work to finish. Sorry, gang.
I realize that having 4 houses accomplishes the same thing, but sometimes I wish there were completely separate rival schools.
But at the same time, there’s something really cool about being in such close quarters with your rivals. Creates and interesting dynamic.
I need to figure out a way to eat BBQ where I don’t hate myself afterwards. I just shovel it into my face like a Dementor stealing a soul.
Anyway, thanks for hanging in there. Sorry I couldn’t finish chapter 6 last night.
So when we left off, they had been to Hipster Prof’s class and it was bleak. But then Minerva was like “whateves.”
So now the gang is at lunch, and everyone has mixed feelings. Like when I can’t decide between pork ribs or beef brisket so I just get both.
Okay, so things are pretty heated between Hermione And Ron. Hermione is like “Harry’s fine, fuck death omens.”
And Ron is like “FUCK YOU HARRY IS MY BRO AND HE SAW A DOG AND NO I’M WORRIED WE WON’T BE BROS MUCH LONGER. BECAUSE OF THE DOG.”
And Ron is like “Maybe you don’t believe in death omens because you blow at Divination and you can’t stand it.” And now I’m scared for Ron.
Ugh, their Care of Magical Creatures class is with the fucking Slytherins. I hope a Monster Book of Monsters bites Draco in the dick.
“Yeh’ve got ter stroke ‘em.” – Hagrid B3p113
Okay, just got to the Hippogriffs part, and I’m a little relieved we’ve gotten to the cover art so quickly this time.
I’m finding that Hippogriffs are very high maintenance creatures.
Wow, so we’re taking this thing for a ride now? On day one of class? Pump the brakes, Hagrid.
OH NICE. Buckbeak just fucked Draco’s shit up with his talon. Blood fucking everywhere.
Ha, this has been sort of a trying day. Death omens. Hippogriff accidents. And to top it off, “sloppy joe” day in the cafeteria. Gross.
Well, that didn’t take long. Harry and company are leaving the castle walls to check on Hagrid.
Ha, Hagrid is fucking hammered.
So we have a nice moment with Hagrid, and then BOOM. He turns a corner like “THE FUCK YOU DOIN’ HERE, HARRY?”
CH 6: Hipster Prof told Harry he’s gonna die, Ron and Hermione had a tiff, the hippogriff gets Draco, and Hagrid is drunk.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 7: THE BOGGART IN THE WARDROBE
Malfoy is really milking this injury. AND IT’S SO GROSS, YOU GUYS.
WHAT UP, SNAPE? Douchin’ it up in Double Potions? As you were.
Malfoy is getting Ron to do all his work for him, which is actually one of his better schemes. Anyway, Ron’s pissed.
Draco is like “Harry, skin my shrivelfig” and Harry’s like “OK BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT’S WHAT ALL THE ‘PUFF GIRLS CALL YOUR PENIS.”
Sirius Black sighting, y’all.
Draco is saying that if it were HIM, he’d be out there looking for Black himself. Sure you would, Draco. You fucking douche.
TREVOR THE FROG IS GOING TO BE OK. NOBODY PANIC.
Oh WTF. Five points from Gryffindor for completing the assignment correctly?
Hermione is being weird again. But whateves. I think this is the first DADA class? Yeah it is. Everyone pay attention.
WHAT UP, PEEVES?? WHERE YOU BEEN, SON?
You guys, Peeves isn’t turning into the major character I had hoped for. But there’s still time.
Boggarts can take the form of the thing that frightens you the most. So for me I think it would be an attractive woman.
I think we’re about to see a cross-dressing Professor Snape come out of this wardrobe. CHRISTMAS COMES EARLY AT HOGWARTS.
For real though, this is a pretty humiliating day for the boggart. I feel bad for it.
Harry didn’t get a crack at the boggart, but everyone agrees that Lupin is a pretty chill bro.
Wow, that was a very short chapter.
Should we do one more?
I’MA DO ONE MORE. You can follow along if you want.[divider top="1"]
It got back to Snape that Neville dressed him up in old lady panties and Snape is like “Neville GTFOOOOOOO.”
Hagrid seems to have lost his groove after the whole “hippogriff pwning Draco” incident.
WTF has Oliver Wood not graduated yet? That bro is like 26 by now.
Ha, Crookshanks is seating a spider in front of Ron. Someone get some Ron/Crookshanks fan fiction going already.
THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S CHEATING, Y’ALL – “Hermione, who disapproved of copying, pursed her lips but didn’t say anything.” B3p146
Haha, Scabbers was napping in Ron’s bag but now ‘shanks is after him and he’s like “OH SHIT, SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY? COME ON.”
Ron is really worked up about this rat.
Hermione is punching all kinds of holes into Lavender’s rabbit story.
Harry’s like “I CAN’T HELP IT THAT MY LEGAL GUARDIANS ARE A BUNCH OF MUGGLE DICK HOLES.”
But Minerva’s not hearing any of that shit. Ice cold. It really kind of turns you on, doesn’t it? It can’t just be me.
Harry can’t go to Hogsmeade. I’M SURE HE’S DEFINITELY GOING TO STAY AT HOGWARTS AND NOT SNEAK INTO HOGSMEADE BECAUSE WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
Percy’s like “Harry, Hogwarts is JUST like Hogsmeade. But like, without all the cool shit. You’re not missing anything.”
Do you think Ron and Hermione are going to be super awkward if Harry isn’t around? He’s the buffer!
Colin Creevy is like “WHAT UP?” and Harry’s just like “Ha, I don’t think so little buddy.”
Harry’s going to bro down with Lupin instead.
HEY THAT’S FDR’S LIKE YOU FUCKING WANKER – “That suggests that what you fear most of all is fear” – Lupin B3p155
Ha, Snape walks into Lupin’s office with a bong like “Lupin. LUPIN. Let’s get some fucking tacos, bro. Seriously.”
Okay, it wasn’t a bong. It was a goblet of potion. My bad.
I don’t see what Harry’s so upset about. Ron and Hermione are basically like “CANDY DELIVERY” and Harry didn’t have to do shit. Sounds dope.
Ha, the Fat Lady is like “YOU SHALL NOT PASS.”
Oh wait, never mind. The Fat Lady isn’t even there. She was like “whateves” and peaced the fuck out.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT SIRIUS BLACK WAS IN THE BUILDING, Y’ALL.
The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE.
CH 8: Harry’s fake ID doesn’t work in Hogsmeade. Snape is probably not poisoning Lupin. Peeves blows this Sirius Black case wide up.
Crookshanks or Scabbers? Choose a side.
Ok, you guys are overwhelmingly in favor of Crookshanks. But I have to disagree. Because he’s an asshole. And cats are basically the worst.
But “Crookshanks” is still a dope fucking name.
PEEVES WASN’T IN THE MOVIES? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I just cannot believe they left Peeves out of the films. That bro is INTEGRAL.
The thing I don’t understand is WHAT THE FUCK? It’s like, who even reveals that Sirius Black was at Hogwarts now? Fucking Neville?
Anyway, this probably won’t be the last you hear of it. Really kind of ruined my day. #Peevesgate 2012[divider top="1"]
SLUMBER PARTY IN THE GREAT HALL!
That’s just a really dope sentence – “Send word with one of the ghosts.” – Albus Dumbledore B3p162
Apparate (v): To just like, fucking appear out of thin air and shit.
Snape is like “This shit was an inside job, bro. Have you not seen like ANY action/thrillers?”
“No dementor will cross the threshold of this castle while I am headmaster.” – Albus Dumbledore B3p166
Oh nice, they replaced the fat lady with that dope knight from before. He’s like “I require the password, and your girlfriend’s honor!”
Harry is like “IF YOU DON’T LET ME PLAY QUIDDITCH THE GRYFFINDOR IS COMING OUT OF THE CAGE AND YOU WON’T LIKE THAT SHIT.”
Ugh, Slytherins are bitch out of the match because the weather and now we’re stuck playing the ‘puffs. WHAT A JOKE.
Okay, apparently the new ‘puff Seeker is a handsome dude ‘cause all the gals on the Gryffindor team are fucking distracted.
Oliver Wood is like “BROS BEFORE HOS” and they’re like “No dude, Cedric Diggory.”
Oliver Wood’s reaction to this scheduling change is directly proportional to my reaction that Peeves was left out of the film adaptations.
Hmm, Professor Lupin is “sick” right after this Sirius Black clusterfuck. Interesting.
No offense dude, but it’s only your THIRD year at school – “He’s the best DADA teacher we’ve ever had.” – Dean Thomas B3p170
Okay, I’ve had the suspicion for awhile that Lupin is a werewolf, and I’ve been waiting around from mention of it. And that’s what today’s class is about.
The evidence: “Lupine” is an adjective used to say something is “wolflike.” Also his clothes are always torn apart.
I also feel like he was probably the dog Harry saw before he got on the bus in the beginning. Watching over him with Black on the loose.
BUT DON’T TELL ME EITHER WAY. NO SPOILERS PLZ.
Snape is like “Hermione, STFU” and Ron is like “CAREFUL BRO. CAREFUL.”
Ha, I think Ron just called Snape the c-word because Hermione is like “NOT OKAY, RON.”
Peeves is blowing air into Harry’s ear. And everyone is slightly aroused whether they want to admit it or not.
Crookshanks, you fucking menace. Leave Scabbers alone. Dude is like 140 in rat years.
Ugh, I’m so sick of hearing about this Diggory asshole already. I’m sure he’s a giant douche.
The weather is absolute bullshit but everyone is just like “meh” and the match against the ‘puffs starts.
Harry needs to trade his glasses for some dope rec-specs. THAT would make the gals forget about Cedric Diggory. AM I RIGHT, LADIES?
Okay, so Hermione just added some tiny windshield wipers to Harry’s glasses, so I think we’re in good shape.
OH SHIT BLACK DOG SIGHTING IN THE STANDS
And then this one starts blasting out of the speakers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl6s1x9j4QQ
OH FUCK THE DEMENTORS ARE HERE TOO. LIKE A HUNDRED OF THEM.
Harry is tripping balls because he’s hallucinating the night of his parents’ murder and his mother is screaming and he’s like “fuck the snitch.”
So harry really bitched out again round the dementors and now he’s in the hospital wing.
OH FUCK YOU, CEDRIC. WE DON’T NEED YOUR CHARITY – “He tried to call it off. Wanted a rematch.” B3p180
Now they are doing all the math for what needs to happen from the to get to the Rose Bowl and it’s not looking good.
What a fucking badass – “Then he whirled his wand at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them. They left the stadium right away.” B3p181
So Harry loses his first game, and then the Whomping Willow loses its patience with his Nimbus.
CH: 9: Snape takes over DADA for Lupin / is a douche, Cedric Diggory is whateves, and Harry sees the dog, loses the match and his broom.
Whew, that was a crazy fucking chapter, you guys. I’m like sweating over here.[divider top="1"]
The next chapter is called “The marauder’s Map” and that sounds dope as fuck.
Where are all the Muggle Hustle h8ers at?? Half the reason I started this account was to get into Twitter feuds with some 15 year-olds.
Okay, you guys ready for this shit?
CHAPTER 10: THE MARAUDERS MAP
Madam Pomfrey is trying throw away the shattered remains of Harry’s Nimbus and he’s like “THE FUCK? ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
“Nothing anyone said or did could make Harry feel any better, because they knew only half of what was troubling him.” B3p183
Lupin is back and everyone is losing their shit about the werewolf essay they have to write. Lupin is like “Chill the fuck out, for real.”
“I’ve already done the essay. What am I supposed to do with it now? Submit it to the ‘Hogwarts Journal of Nobody Gives a Fuck?’” – Hermione
Lupin’s like “yeah, that Whomping Willow used to be dope until some douche almost lost his eye and ruined it for the rest of us.”
Like 7th grade? = “The dementors affect you worse than others because there are horrors in your past that others don’t have.” B3p187
Harry’s asking how to fight dementors and Lupin’s like “Yeah, no, just basically do the exact opposite of what you normally do around them.”
I don’t know why Ron keeps spending Christmas at Hogwarts. I would do unspeakable things for a Christmas at the Weasley house.
That seems to defeat the purpose, but whateves – “Mum and Dad would really love those Toothflossing Stringmints from Honeydukes!” – Hermione
Oh yeah, I just thought of something. Harry’s got a fuckton of gold back at Gringotts. Just use your debit card and get a new Nimbus!
Fred and George are really building the tension with the explanation of this parchment, but I think we can safely assume it’s the map.
“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” B3p192
So THAT is why you guys are always saying that. I LOVE BEING IN THE LOOP, YOU GUYS.
So the Marauder’s Map is basically like an Etch-A-Sketch GPS system.
WHO CARES WHAT MR. WEASLEY SAID ABOUT DANGEROUS MAGICAL OBJECTS. USE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS MAP HARRY.
HA, this map is such an enabler! Harry doesn’t know how to get to the passageway and the map is like “Bro, I’ll show you.”
Harry just 007’d the shit out of the owners and clientele of Honeydukes. Completely undetected.
Harry sneaks up behind Ron like “I could’ve murdered the fuck out of you just now. I am the Jason Bourne of Hogwarts.”
No Hermione. He’s not going to give the map to McGonagall. You know? Because that would be fucking stupid. This map is dope as fuck.
That’s awfully young for recreational drug use, buddy – “Seen the Acid Pops? Fred gave me one of those when I was seven.” – Ron B3p200
This sounds like my kind of place – “A curvy sort of woman with a pretty face was serving a bunch of rowdy warlocks up at the bar.” B3p200
Does anyone else think butterbeer actually sounds pretty disgusting? Because I mean, those two things don’t really compliment each other.
Okay, a McGonagall, a Flitwick, and a Fudge walk into a bar…
Cornelius Fudge is trying to bang the waitress. I can almost HEAR McGonagall’s eyes rolling.
SIRIUS BLACK AND JAMES POTTER WERE BFFs??
Making a joke about the Magical Law Enforcement Squad seems too easy so I’m just going to move on.
Well, that conversation was enlightening.
CH 10: Harry downloaded the Marauder’s Map on his iPad. Sirius black is revealed to be Harry’s Godfather and, wow, so much other stuff.
If you were going to sort Muggle Hustle into a house, which would it be and why? And don’t fucking hold back, you guys. I can take it.
Okay, I’m 2 for 2 on Slytherin. Which makes sense, ‘cause I can kinda talk to snakes. And by that I mean, I see a snake and I shriek uncontrollably.
I’ve been thinking about Sirius Black today. After getting all his backstory, I feel like there has to be more to this story we don’t know.
And Just knowing JK Rowling’s style, “He’s at Hogwarts” could mean ALL KINDS of shit.
Don’t Worry, I’ma get to the bottom of this.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 11: THE FIREBOLT
Harry’s working himself up about Sirius betraying his parents. Somewhere Oliver Wood is like “YEAH HARRY. FUCKING USE THAT SHIT.”
“A hatred such as he had never known before was coursing through Harry like poison.” B3p213
Ron is like “harry, you look terrible” and Hermione is like “RON, STOP. But for real though, Harry. You look like shit.”
Harry is being a little unreasonable. Crookshanks is trying to break the tension.
YEAH HAGRID GET YOU SOME- “From inside the cabin came a series of low, throbbing moans.” B3p217
Okay, never mind. Those weren’t happy moans. They were sad moans. Hagrid is losing his shit.
The note’s like “That shit with the hippogriff wasn’t Hagrid’s fault. He’s a chill bro.” But then Hagrid’s like “Dude, fucking keep reading.”
Ha, that note doesn’t seem so bad to me, but Hagrid is acting like Mila Kunis just broke up with him.
Hermione is like “I bet I can READ that hippogriff to safety!”
Oh yeah, I kinda forgot that Hagrid has already done a stint in Azkaban. Got that dope prison tattoo and everything.
So this hippogriff clusterfuck is actually the perfect distraction for Harry. Like bourbon. Or a Law & Order marathon.
GOD DAMMIT I WANT A FUCKING WEASLEY SWEATER SO BAD.
Ron’s complaining about his sweater and I’m over here like “RON, YOU BITCH. DON’T EVEN.”
So Harry got his Firebolt. And now an NCAA investigation is pending for suspicion that players are receiving gifts from alumni.
Ron this Lupin got it for him and Harry’s like “If he can afford the firebolt, he can afford some new robes” and it’s a pretty good burn.
I have a really strong impulse to tattle on Hermione for being in the Boys dormitory. BUT I WON’T. I’LL BE COOL ABOUT IT.
Hermione is like “So this broom is pretty good?” And Ron’s like “I could fill a warehouse with the shit you don’t know about brooms.”
And she keeps trying to get to the bottom of who sent it to him and Ron is like “IRRELEVANT! YOU ARE RUINING THIS FOR ME SO HARD.”
Okay, Crookshanks sort of freaks out on scabbers and now the sneakoscope is like “SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WHY IS NO ONE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?”
Between the “rats only live 3 years” thing and the sneakoscope going off, I’m starting to fee a little suspicious toward Scabbers.
No spoilers though, for real. Don’t say anything about that last tweet.
HAHAHA – “Snape’s mouth thinned and he pushed the hat toward Dumbledore, who swapped it for his wizard’s hat at once.” B3p228
Snape is such a Grinch, right? And a Scrooge. And whatever other Christmas villains you can think of.
HIPSTER PROF JUST SHOWED UP. I kinda forgot about her. I guess she’s been doing more relevant things than the plot of this book.
I REALLY wish I could see what McGonagall texts to all her girlfriends anytime she has a run-in with Hipster Prof.
I think they used this dialogue between Hipster Prof and McGonagall as character development for the Dowager Countess on Downton Abbey.
Okay, so Hermione tattled about the broom to Minerva. Which is kind of a dick move. But I mean, she’s probably right. TAKE IT TO THE LAB.
She thinks Sirius Black sent the broom. Harry’s voice trembles as if Mila Kunis just told him they were on a break.
CH 11: Hagrid is going to hippogriff court. Harry had a Firebolt for about 5 seconds. No Weasley sweater for Muggle Hustle.[divider top="1"]
Based on the drawing, I’m pretty sure Harry is going to be packing a ghost into a suitcase at some point. Let’s see how that plays out.
Ron and harry are being assholes about the broom. I mean, I was angry with Hermione too, but I’m not going to let it ruin my day, you know?
Oliver Wood is like “About our next game. I can’t have you…It would be good if you…I’m gonna need you to not be such a bitch out there, okay?”
Wood is like “I’ma have a chat with Minerva.” And I really want to be there for that. But I’m guessing we won’t be.
That rarely happens to me – “She’s just trying to get us to talk to her again.” B3p236
A Patronus Charm is almost exactly what every boy uses when he’s in a pretend laser gun fight with his friends.
“EXPECTO PATRONUM.” – B3p238
Lupin’s like “I’m loving the enthusiasm, but uh, you’re terrible at this.”
Harry learns more about the death of his parents with every dementor encounter. Like piecing together a drunken night with text messages.
Harry asks Lupin if he knew Sirius Black and he’s like “WHAT? I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HE WAS A THING. I DEFINITELY DO NO KNOW HIM.”
Oh, that’s interesting. Maybe Harry is like that around dementors because subconsciously he WANTS to keep hearing his parents.
Ron still hasn’t figured out that Hermione is Skype-ing in to her other class.
Harry has his Firebolt for like a minute and now he’s being a real princess about ordering ANY OTHER BROOM.
Ha, there is a quidditch match like 2 times a semester. YOU GUYS SHOULD JUST PLAY EACH OTHER MORE THAN ONCE. IT’S FINE.
Harry is like “Minerva, what’s it going to take for me to get into a Firebolt today” and McGonagall is like “Potter, fuck off. Seriously.”
So far Harry’s patronus is not doing it for him. And Lupin’s like “I dunno, it’s still okay. At least you’re not passing out anymore, I guess?”
I’m having a fun time swapping out the word “patronus for various inappropriate substitutes. Including, but not limited to, “boner.”
This sounds like the beginning of a really bad joke – “What’s under a dementor’s hood?” B3p246?
Dementor’s Kiss sounds like it would be a pretty dope fatality in Mortal Kombat.
Just like reality TV stars – “You can exist without your soul as long as your brain and heart are still working.” – Lupin B3p247
Harry’s like “Sirius Black deserves a dementor’s kiss” and Lupin is like “Bro?” and Harry’s like “I’m pretty sure, dude.”
HARRY GOT THE FIREBOLT BACK FUCK YES.
Harry’s like “If you wanna save me some time, we could skip a step and you could shove this up Draco’s ass” and McGonagall’s like “NICE.”
The Ravenclaws all use Cleansweep Sevens. AS IF.
Posted without commentary – “Can I just hold it, harry?” – Some Gryffindor perv B3p250
HOLY SHIT SCABBERS IS GONE I don’t think it matters because he’s probably a villain somehow BUT STILL SCABBERS NOOOOOO.
CH 12: Harry kind of blows at the Patronus Charm. But he got his Firebolt back, so everyone’s like “WHAT UP?”
So I looked into it, and I have 154 chapters left in the series. Which works out to about 30 weeks or so. Which is a little daunting.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 13: GRYFFINDOR VERSUS RAVENCLAW
Okay, so this Crookshanks/Scabbers debacle has driven quite the RIFT in the group.
Ron is like “YOUR FUCKING CAT” and Hermione is like “Circumstantial evidence, bro” and Harry’s like “But I mean, it was probably the cat.”
Ha, Fred is like “Scabbers was old as fuck so it’s probably good he got eaten and shit.”
Everyone is saying Scabbers wasn’t even that great. Ron still seems to think he was a chill bro.
Madam Hooch is prattling on endlessly about the “golden age” of brooms and Wood is like “Oh for fuck’s sake. Nobody cares you old bat.”
Looks like Cho Chang is going to be the Ravenclaw seeker. Oliver Wood is pretty upset that she’s not injured? Not cool, bro.
Wood is like “Harry I’m letting the snitch out” and Harry’s like “THAT BETTER NOT BE A EUPHEMISM.”
They see Crookshanks after practice and Ron is like “FUCK YOU, CROOKSHANKS” and harry almost shits himself because he thinks it’s the Grim.
There’s this weird Firebolt worship going on and it’s making me a little uncomfortable.
Percy has some boring bet with his ‘claw girlfriend that nobody cares about and Harry gets the better of Malfoy in a brief exchange.
OH WHAT THE FUCK Cho Chang is trying to use her feminine wiles to fuck with Harry’s head before the match. TYPICAL.
Cho’s like “I’mma just let you find the snitch and then I’ll take it from you” and Harry’s like “YOU’RE REALLY PRETTY.”
So Harry’s patronus kinda worked? I don’t know, he got the snitch though. Everyone’s going fucking crazy.
HAHAHA DRACO AND HIS CRONIES TRIED TO PULL SOME SCOOBY DOO SHIT ON HARRY AND IT FAILED SO BAD.
George is like “Party in the common room! Fred is picking up the kegs right now. We’re gonna pregame in the dorms and then this shit is ON!”
Hermione is reading a book called Home Life and Social Habits of British Muggles. And it probably says “they mostly just read Harry Potter.”
Hot – “The party ended only when Professor McGonagall turned up in her tartan dressing gown and hair net at one in the morning.” B3p265
Harry is like “Maybe we should stop being total dicks to Hermione?” And Ron is like “NOPE LOL!”
Holy shit! Sirius Black just slashed Ron’s curtains like “The colors just really weren’t work for me, Ron.”
Ron’s girlish screams wake everyone the fuck up and George is like “Whoa, are we still partying? I’ll get my iPod.”
You guys, friends don’t let friends eat too much – “Nonsense. You had too much to eat, Ron. You had a nightmare.” – Percy Weasley B3p267
Ron’s breaking out that caps lock – “IT WASN’T A NIGHTMARE. PROFESSOR, SIRIUS BLACK WAS STANDING OVER ME, HOLDING A KNIFE!” B3p267
McGonagall is like “WTF Sir Cadogan?” and he’s like “Bitch, he had the fucking password. Don’t talk to me like I’m an asshole.”
GOD DAMMIT, NEVILLE. I DON’T EVEN.
CH 13: Gryffindor wins, Sirius is not impressed with Ron’s interior decorating vision, and Neville keeps finding new ways to fuck up.
Do wizards even use knives? I feel like what was the first time an actual weapon was mentioned in the book. Something fishy is going on.
So it’s becoming clear to me that Sirius Black is not the villain, and came to Ron’s bed with a knife in an attempt to murder Scabbers.
And now it’s like, IS SCABBERS VOLDEMORT? I kind of doubt it. But I have no idea who else it could be. And he hasn’t been mentioned much.
Obviously don’t tell me either way. Just sort of thinking out loud.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 14: SNAPE’S GRUDGE.
I’m going to assume that Snape’s grudge is that the illustration at the beginning of the chapter makes him look like he’s an extra in Mulan.
Sirius Black escaped AGAIN? Guy’s a pro.
OH WHAT THE SHIT YOU CAN’T FIRE SIR CADOGAN THAT BRO IS THE FUCKING BEST.
Ron’s like “He’s not coming in through Honeydukes. That place is a delicious fortress.” Forgetting that harry broke in like a month ago.
Ron’s telling the story to some 2nd year babes but when they leave he’s like “Seriously Harry, why didn’t he murder the fuck out of us?”
An Seamus is like “BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS FART IN YOUR SLEEP RON AND IT’S GROSS.”
Haha, everyone is taking a giant shit on Neville for being such a doof about the password.
If I was going to send Neville a Howler, it would be like a minute of me making deep sighs and then being like “What the fuck, Neville?”
Okay, so Harry just got a text from Hagrid asking if he and Ron want to bro down at his place at 6. Play some Madden. Drink some brews.
Ron’s like “You want to hear about this Sirius Black shit, don’t you?” And Hagrid’s like “You kidding? That’s all ANYONE is tweeting about.”
So the hippogriff is noming on some dead ferrets, which is chill, but Hagrid’s suit kinda sounds like a FASHION EMERGENCY. HALP!
“But I gotta tell yeah, I thought you two’d value yer friend more’n broomsticks or rats. That’s all.” – Fucking Hagrid B3p274
So Ron is just really not going to budge on this cat thing. He’s like “I WANT CROOKSHANKS HEAD ON A SPIKE OR NOTHING.”
LOOK RON, I WASN’T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING BUT YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE TO HERMIONE AND I’M NOT GOING TO STAND FOR IT ANYMORE.
That just hurts me – “Hermione took one frightened look at the expression on Ron’s face, gathered up Crookshanks, and hurried away.” B3p275
Real subtle, boys – “’Bye!’ Harry called to Ron. ‘See you when you get back!’ Ron grinned and winked.” B3p276
Ha, Harry just got NEVILLED.
Harry and Neville just go SNAPED.
Ron took Harry to the Post Office to have a look around? THE FUCKING POST OFFICE, RON?
Malfoy and his merry band of assholes are all smoking weed behind the Shrieking Shack or some shit. Don’t really care.
So Harry and Ron were pulling the Scooby Doo thing off like a couple of pros until the cloak slipped off a bit. Now Draco is like “YUP!”
“What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter? Your head is not allowed in Hogsmead.” – Snape B3p283
Oh my God. Harry just told Snape to shut up. How can there be 4 more books if Harry’s about to die right now?
The story about Harry’s dad is super vague and I’m sure we’ll get way more of that as the books go on.
Ugh, harry had the presence of mind to ditch the invisibility cloak but not THE FUCKING BAG OF FART BOMBS OR WHATEVER?
Snape’s like “GIVE ME YOUR IPAD, POTTER.” But he doesn’t have the password for Harry’s Marauder’s Map app.
Ha, this map is FULL of sick burns about Snape, compliments of Moony, Prongs, Padfoot, and Wormtail.
Lupin just showed up out of fucking nowhere in the fireplace like “WHAT UP?”
Okay, so a lot of shit is going on.
Lupin and Harry are like “YEAH NO IT’S DEFINITELY FROM THE JOKE SHOP”
And then Ron bursts in like “ALL THAT SHIT IS MINE AND HARRY WAS JUST HOLDING IT FOR ME OR WHATEVER THEY WERE TELLING YOU BEFORE I GOT HERE.”
And then Lupin alludes to the fact that he knows all kinds of shit about the map.
Hermione is like “I got a text from Hagrid that’s just a sad-face emoticon.” And we realize it’s bad news about the hippogriff.
CH 14: Ron’s still being a douche to Hermione, we learn that Snape was kind of the Neville of his class, and the Hippogriff is fucked.[divider top="1"]
Okay, so we got that sad-face emoticon text from Hagrid, but now his Facebook status is “Buckbeak’s execution is TBD. I h8 this.”
So at hippogriff court, the hippogriff DA was like “I REST MY HIPPOGRIFF CASE” and Hagrid was like “OBJECTION” but it was overruled : (
So Hermione finally breaks down and hugs Ron, but then Ron just like, pats her on the head? LIKE A DOG, RON? COME ON, SON.
So the hippogriff justice system is surprisingly similar to the regular justice system, because now they are working on an appeal.
OH SHIT HERMIONE JUST SLAPPED THE FUCK OUT OF MALFOY.
Now, I’m legitimately scared for Malfoy because Hermione’s got her wand out like “COME AT ME, BRO.”
WHAT UP, FLITWICK?
Yeah, but bourbon does the same thing – “The Cheering Charms had left them with a feeling of great contentment.” B3p294
You guys, the new password for Gryffindor is “flibbertigibbet” just FYI. Neville’s probably like “Oh for fuck’s sake.”
Ron, just, don’t poke that bear, okay? You JUST became friends again – “I reckon you’re cracking up. Trying to do too much.” B3p295
Okay, now we’re back in Hipster Prof’s classroom. Learning about divination shit you’ve probably never heard of.
Hipster Prof is like ‘You’re looking, but you’re not SEEING.” And everyone is like “OMG this class is fucking bullshit.”
Hipster Prof is like “Hermione, pack up your kinves and go.” And Hermione is like “FINE, FUCK THIS HIPSTER NONSENSE.”
Man, this chapter should’ve been called “Seriously, don’t’ fuck with Hermione.”
They had to remind her that she “saw” one of the number leaving forever and she’s like “Wait, what? OH YEAH I DEFINITELY CALLED THAT SHIT.”
Oliver Wood is telling Harry how many points they need to beat Slytherin he’s like “I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING ADD AND SUBTRACT, BRO.”
So this Gryff/Slyth rivalry is HEATING UP. Harry has an entourage to make sure he doesn’t get “Biebered” or some shit.
Crookshanks is straight chillin’ with that blag dog from the beginning of the book like “WHAT UP?”
Cho Chang just cannot keep it in her pants aren’t Harry.
GAME ON. I HOPE GRYFFINDOR WINS YOU GUYS.
OH FUCK YOU MARCUS FLINT.
Wow, these Slytherins are playing DIRTY. And I’m so surprised. I never would have expected that.
Lee Jordan is like the Fox News of announcers because this shit is BIASED.
Lee Jordan is dropping fuckwords into the magic megaphone or whatever and McGonagall is like “Bro, seriously, there are 1st years around.”
But now Minerva is shouting and getting into it and it’s really doing it for me.
Drack is such a piece of shit. I really can’t stress that enough.
GRYFFINDOR WINS THE FUCKING CUP SHIT YEAH EVERYONE IS GOING FUCKING CRAZY.
“Words failed them. They simply beamed as Harry was borne towards the stands where Dumbledore stood waiting with the enormous Quidditch Cup.”
CH 15: Hermione ain’t nothin’ to fuck with, Ron’s the new head litigator in Buckbeak’s defense and GRYFFINDOR WINS.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 16: PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY’S PREDICTION
Hipster Prof makes ANOTHER prediction? What is is this time? “I predict that punk-chic is gonna be the next big trend. So I’m avoiding it.”
Okay, so the weather is like “WHAT UP?” But the exams are like “I don’t think so, bro.”
Ron’s like “You sure you got your schedge right?” And she’s just like “Ron, STFU for once in your life.
Oh shit, the Ministry of Magic is sending an executioner to Buckbeak’s appeal. THAT’S SO METAL.
Turning a teapot into a tortoise sounds dope as fuck.
I think harry and Ron got high before their Charms final because they have the GIGGLES.
The Care of Magical Creatures exam is pretty easy. Hagrid’s like “Just, fucking like, turn your worms back in at the end or whatever.”
PROFESSOR LUPIN’S OBSTACLE COURSE EXAM SOUNDS SO FUCKING COOL I WANT TO TAKE THAT TEST SO BAD.
Haha, hipster nonsense – “She says the crystal ball’s told her that if I tell you, I’ll have a horrible accident.” B3p321
Ron’s like “She’s a right old fraud” and Harry’s like “RIGHT? She says her favorite band is Sonic Youth but everyone knows it’s Coldplay.”
Harry looks into the orb like “I see a sale at Urban Outfitters” and Hipster Prof is like “OH SHIT, SERIOUSLY? BRB.”
Wow, Hipster Prof is really getting off on this hippogriff execution and Harry’s like “The fuck?”
Trelawney’s like “Nope, definitely didn’t just predict that the dork lord will rise again. I know nothing.” And it’s FRUSTRATING.
So the appeal didn’t go well. Ron got a text from Hagrid that’s like “we lost. u shouldn’t come. this sux.”
Harry is bitching out about getting the invisibility cloak and Hermione’s like “CHILL, I GOT THIS SHIT.”
Is it just me, or does the invisibility cloak get bigger every time they use it? It fits three people now! It must look huge on just one.
“Hagrid swallowed. His eyes were darting all over the cabin as though looking for some shred of hope or comfort.” B3p328
EW GROSS Scabbers was just chillin’ in the milk?
Scabbers is losing his shit, y’all.
The axe came down on Buckbeak and it’s really sad.
CH 16: Exams are administered with various degrees of difficulty, Hipster Prof says the Dark Lord will rise, Scabbers is back in the mix, Buckbeak : ([divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 17: CAT, RAT, AND DOG
And before we start, I just want to say bless you, JKR. Bless you and your beautiful oxford commas.
“The very last rays of the setting sun were casting a bloody light over the long-shadowed grounds.” B3p332
Okay, so Scabbers is still being a real asshole and Ron is starting to wish Crookshanks was around to FINISH THE JOB.
Oh nice, Crookshanks IS here to finish he job. WHAT UP, CROOKSHANKS?
Ha, this scene is deteriorating quickly. Ron just threw the invisibility cloak off like “GOD DAMMIT, SCABBERS. I DON’T EVEN.
OH FUCK THE BLACK DOG IS IN THE MIX.
RON HE OBVIOUSLY WANTS TO MURDER THE FUCK OUT OF SCABBERS. DON’T BE A HERO.
Oh for fuck’s sake. Now the Whomping Willow is hitting Harry in the face like “HAY GUYS LOL!”
HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE DOG JUST BROKE RON’S LEG. THAT WAS SO METAL.
Hermione is like “We should probably get help right?” And Harry’s like “What’ happened in the last 40 seconds that makes you think that?”
Oh shit, Crookshanks is like the tree whisperer or some shit cause the Whomping Willow just child the fuck out.
Harry’s like “Oh yeah, that dog and Crookshanks are bros” and Hermione’s like “WHAT, LIKE A FUCKING DISNEY MOVIE?”
The tunnel ends up in Hogsmeade, so my working theory is that the dog was just like, “RON YOU GOTTA TRY THIS BUTTERBEER. IT’S UH-MAZING.”
Ok, so THAT is why you guys say “nox” every night.
WHAT UP, SIRIUS BLACK?
Sirius is like “I thought you’d come help your friend” and Harry’s like “Yeah bro it’s kinda my thing. Didn’t you read the first two books?”
“A boiling hate had erupted in harry’s chest, leaving no place for fear.” B3p339
Ron is like “IF YOU WANT TO KILL HARRY YOU’LL HAVE TO KILL ALL THREE OF US.” And Sirius is just like “LOL lie down, Ron. You goofball!”
So Harry is like ‘fuck it” and just charges Sirius like they are in a bar fight.
NICE LEFT HOOK, HARRY!
Okay, shit is getting out of hand. Ron and Hermione are just causing chaos and now Crookshanks is playing wand-keepaway from Harry.
This is killing me. JUST FUCKING LET HIM EXPLAIN, HARRY.
So the cat is embracing Sirius ever so tenderly and Sirius is like “For real, bro? We have to do this now?”
Harry’s like “IDGAF I’ll kill the cat!”
Harry’s having some performance anxiety with his wand and Hermione’s like “It’s okay, harry. It happens to EVERY guy.”
WOULD THE CHILDREN PLEASE LET THE FUCKING ADULTS FINISH THEIR GOD DAMN SENTENCES?
Okay, there’s the big werewolf reveal, but we all kind of new that like 12 chapters ago, right?
Ron’s like “Get away from me, werewolf!” and Lupin kinda just rolls his eyes like “Nice one, bro. Real clever.”
WHAT UP, MOONY??
Man, Lupin is wrapping this shit up like a BOSS. This is some Sherlock Holmes shit.
PETER PETTIGREW OMG WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?
Oh wait wait that’s the bro who was given the like, medal of honor or whatever. And they only found his finger, right?
CH 17: There’s a get-together at the Shrieking Shack, and Scabbers is Pettigrew. Who likely betrayed Harry’s parents.[divider top="1"]
Ron is really getting the shitty end of the deal in the climax of this book. A broken leg and now a traitorous rat is clawing his face.
For fuck’s sake, Ron. JUST GIVE THEM THE RAT. YOU DON’T EVEN THINK HE’S THAT COOL.
Harry and Ron just refuse to believe that Scabbers is Pettigrew. In a room where one person was a dog ten minutes ago and one is a werewolf.
Hermione is like “Scabbers can’t be Pettigrew because BOOKS.”
Ron’s like “This place is haunted as fuck” and Lupin’s like “BITCH I INVENTED THE SHRIEKING SHACK.”
Lupin needs to finish his fucking story so Sirius can MURDER THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RAT.
So even back in the day, Snape made it his job to get everyone expelled.
OH WHAT THE SHIT FUCK SNAPE IS IN THE ROOM Y’ALL.
CH 18: Lupin tells his sob story about being a werewolf, and Snape is creeping on them like a fucking creep the whole time, probably.[divider top="1"]
So you’re telling me that Snape SAW the fucking INVISIBLE CLOAK at the base of the Whomping Willow?
Nope, I think we figured it out – “You’re wondering, perhaps, how I knew you were here?” – Snape B3p358
HOLY SHIT – “Thin, snakelike cords burst from Snape’s wand and twisted themselves around Lupin’s mouth, wrists, and ankles.” B3p359
WOULD SOMEONE JUST TURN THIS FUCKING RAT INTO PETER PETTIGREW ALREADY?
Oh shit. Harry’s like “JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE A FUCKING NERD IN HIGH SCHOOL” and Snape is like “DON’T EVEN, POTTER. SO HELP ME.”
Oh nice, Harry and Hermione knocked Snape THE FUCK OUT.
RON FOR FUCK’S SAKE JUST HAND SCABBERS OVER ALREADY. JESUS CHRIST.
Ron, Scabbers isn’t twelve years old because of fucking diet and exercise. He’s the servant of Voldemort.
So Pettigrew has been de-ratified. FINISH HIM.
Did you guys ever wonder what Splinter from TMNT would have to say about all this shit?
Sirius was able to escape Azkaban as a dog. That’s an entirely different Disney movie.
Ha, I love how heavy all this gets and then Sirius is like “Oh, BTW. Harry, you’re a pretty dope seeker, bro.”
So things are really hitting rock bottom for Pettigrew, because now he’s groveling to Ron and Ron’s like “I LET YOU SHARE MY BED, BRO.”
“THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED! DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!” – Sirius Fucking Black B3p375
CH 19: Pettigrew admits he’s a fucking douche and Harry shows some mercy.
That’s going to be it for tonight. We’ll pick it back up here tomorrow.[divider top="1"]
Sirius just asked Harry to move in with him on the first date. What a creep. RIGHT LADIES?
No but seriously, that’s awesome. Does this mean no more tedious intro chapters at the Dursleys?? Never mind, don’t tell me.
OH SHIT LUPIN IS ABOUT TO WEREWOLF THE FUCK OUT AND HE DIDN’T DRINK HIS POTION.
Poor Ron. Now he’s chained to a werewolf. And he still has a broken leg.
God dammit. Pettigrew is a rat again and getting away!
So Harry’s like “SORRY RON G2G” and goes after Sirius who seems to be in some kind of dog trouble.
OH WHAT THE SHIT DO DEMENTORS ONLY TRAVEL IN GROUPS OF 100?
Harry’s like “Hermione, think of some happy shit” and she’s like “the fuck?” and he’s like “oh yeah, you weren’t there for that LOL!”
I don’t get what the big deal is. Dementors sound really sweet and pleasant OH WAIT, NOT THEY DON’T THEY SOUND SCARY AS SHIT.
So at first, the dementors were like “DEMENTOR AND HARRY SITTING IN A TREE K-I-S-S-I-N-G” but then a hooved creature of light showed up.
CH 20: The dementors were just kickin’ it at the lake and then something crashed their party.[divider top="1"]
Oh Confundus Charm my ass, Snape.
PARTY IN THE HOSPITAL WING!
Harry’s about to eat the fuck out of some chocolate, y’all.
OH NO A DEMENTOR IS GOING TO FRENCH WITH SIRIUS IN LIKE A MINUTE.
This is stressing me out, guys. Can’t we just chill the fuck out for second and talk this through?
Like, the dementor can keep it in his pants for like a NIGHT so we can sort all this shit out.
Dumbledore’s like “Guys, I get it. Look at me, I’m wise as fuck. But not everyone is as badass as me, and they might not see it like this.”
Okay, so Hermione just gunned it to 88 and Mary McFly’d that shit because they just went BACK IN TIME HOLY SHIT.
It’s been pretty clear that Hermione could be in two places at once, but I didn’t really pick up on the time travel aspect.
OH NICE. They are going to save Buckbeak. Which is great, because he was a pretty chill bro.
Oh wow, Hermione just made the jump from saving Buckbeak to flying up to Sirius’ window like they are rescuing Rapunzel or some shit.
Harry’s like “60 seconds is not enough time” and Hermione just whips out the hourglass like “WE GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, BITCH!”
Harry’s like “Fuck it, let’s just bomb in there, steal the rat, and peace the fuck out. PROBLEM SOLVED.”
Hermione’s like “Harry, McGonagall didn’t blast the entire Ministry with emails on my behalf just so we could get caught like assholes.”
Buckbeak is not exactly cooperating with this escape plan. He’s like “Nah, I’m good. This pumpkin patch is pretty dope.”
Kinda seems like Dumbledozer went back in time too, right? He’s being so chill about all of this. Guy’s a pro.
Now they are commentating on all the shit they just did like basketball announcers.
Hagrid’s just getting shithoused on fire whiskey and Buckbeak’s like “WTF bro, why didn’t you text me?”
OH FOR REAL? Harry thinks his dad conjured that dope patronus.
He’s like “Well everyone thought Pettigrew was dead and he’s back. Maybe my dad is too.” And it’s a pretty good point.
Harry tries to call another audible and Hermione’s like “Bro, seriously. Could you just stay on book for like 10 fucking minutes?”
Now they realize Lupin is going to be werewolfing right at them in a minute and Harry’s like “WE GOTTA GTFOOOOOOOO”
“Hermione, I’m DEFINITELY not going to interfere. Why would I even try to catch Wormtail right now, that would be silly. I’m just watching.”
Oh nice, okay, so Harry just wants to go snag a peek at that patronus. See WHAT’S UP. I get it.
OMG HARRY SAW HIMSELF THIS IS BLOWING MY MIND.
HARRY’S DAD IS THE REINDEER.
Harry’s patronus has left Hermione feeling a little hot and bothered it would seem.
If you need to open a window in a pinch, “Alohomora” seems to do the trick.
Now Sirius is on Buckbeak like “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” And then they went back to the future.
CH 21: Harry and Hermione have a LOST flashback, Harry learns the origin of his patronus, and Hermione’s escape plan works like gangbusters.[divider top="1"]
Fudge is like “I’m gonna make a star, Snape. Your picture in every paper. A goddamn star, kid.” (Read that in a 1920’s accent.)
PEEVES WHAT UP SON? How come you don’t text me back? Harry and Hermione are in the classroom, BTW. In case you want to fuck their shit up.
Oh man, Snape’s like “FUCKING POTTER DID THIS SHIT. LOOK AT HIM. YEAH HE FUCKING DID IT LOOK AT HIS STUPID FACE.”
Fudge is suggesting they use dragons next time instead of dementors and I’m over here like “THAT WOULD BE DOPE AS FUCK DO THAT.”
Lupin and Harrying are bro-ing down in his office. Lupin is peacing out and Harry’s like “Bro?” but Lupin’s like “Yeah dude.”
I love the parts at the end when Dumbledore is just dropping wisdom bombs left and right.
AWW YEAH HOUSE CHAMPIONS 3 YEARS IN A ROW. I wish Draco were here so I could rub it in his face.
This quidditch World Cup vacation with the Weasleys sounds so wonderful.
Oh shit, harry just brought up Aunt Marge. I can’t believe that was this book. That felt sooooooo long ago.
THIS TINY OWL SOUNDS ADORABLE.
Sirius’ email to Harry is making my insides feel warm.
Sirius DID send the Firebolt and Hermione’s like “HA! CALLED THAT SHIT.”
OWL UPGRADE FOR RON. See you guys at Errol’s retirement party.
And to finish things off, Harry (not so) subtly threatens Vernon with Sirius Black’s criminal history. And it’s so goddamn satisfying.
That’s the end of HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN.
Thanks for sticking with me on this. You guys are my bros. Fore real though, I would make every single one of you my patronus.
Okay you guys, I’m probably going to take a couple days off and then we’ll get started on Goblet of Fire. BE GOOD.