WHAT UP, THUGGLES? DID YOU FORGET THIS WAS A THING?
Thanks for being patient with me. Well, some of you. The rest of you were hassling me like all the time.
Did you guys do anything fun over break?
But anyway, hide your daughters and surrender your timelines because it’s HUSTLE TIME, Y’ALL.
Now starting HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE
Wait, so this is the muggle Prime Minister? Well, at least it’s not the Dursleys. I’LL TAKE IT.
The PM is like “Now’s not a good time” and the painting is like “That’s not how this works LOL!”
Fudge comes out of the fireplace like “WHAT UP?” But the PM is like “Let’s get this over with so I can go back to drinking alone.”
The last time these two had a bro-down was when Sirius Black escaped. WE MISS YOU, PADFOOT! #neverforget
So we’re still getting our recap chapter, it’s just without Harry being like “Everything is the worst. Why does everyone hate me?”
Over the last 3 books Fudge was up in the PMs office like all the time. The PM’s like “Bro, can you just text me from now on? This is cray.”
Voldemort and his cronies have already knocked out a bridge and caused a Hurricane basically? What has it been, like a week? Impressive.
The dementors are…breeding? That would be a completely different book. “50 Shades of Terrifying.”
HOW CAN YOU EVEN TELL WHICH DEMENTORS ARE LADY DEMENTORS?
You know what, never mind. I don’t need an anatomy lesson for how horrifying nightmare creatures procreate. Let’s just move past it.
Oh shit, Fudge got impeached. FUCKING FINALLY.
Should I know who Rufus Scrimgeour is or is he brand new?
The PM is like “My security is fine.” And Rufus is like “Oh, really? Because I could definitely murder the fuck out of you like, right now.”
The Ministry of Magic has installed a sleeper cell in the Prime Minister’s office and his name is KINGSLEY SHACKBOLT. WHAT UP, BRO?
So the Junior Minister Herbert Chorley has been quacking like a duck because of a poorly performed imperius curse. His shit’s fucked.
I didn’t even know that “Junior Minister” was a thing. I’m learning so much, you guys.
The PM is like “JUST USE MAGIC ON THEM ” and Rufus is like “Your argument just sort of collapsed on itself because they can do magic too.”
CH 1: Fudge gives the Prime Minister the 411, and we find out that Rufus Scrimgeour has replaced Fudge and is the new Minister of Magic.
Thanks for the hustle, you guys. It’s good to be back.
I may or may not have missed you, depending on how weird you want things to get.
Things are pretty crazy at work right now, so chapters will probably be a little sporadic. I hope you can bear with me.
I’m going to tell people that my Halloween costume is the Invisibility Cloak and then tag myself in a bunch of pictures I’m not in.
The best part is I’ll get to stay in and drink alone while watching Hocus Pocus several times in a row. PERFECT NIGHT.
It’s Friday, thuggles. Let’s meet at the Great Hall for brunch tomorrow and try to piece things together.[divider top="1"]
I know you’re hungover but I need to see some hustle out there. Let’s do this.
CHAPTER 2: SPINNER’S END
WHY DID YOU KILL THE FOX? DO YOU KNOW HOW ADORABLE THOSE THINGS ARE?
Man, if Bellatrix is this uneasy about what Narcissa is intent on doing, it’s probably not a good sign.
Bellatrix is like “The Dark Lord might be wrong about this” and Narcissa is like “You shut your whore mouth.”
OH SHIT THIS IS SNAPE’S APARTMENT.
I’m not sure I’m 100% on board with Snape’s interior decorating “vision.” It’s a little drab.
Snape keeps his sex dungeon behind a secret door of books. Which is really smart. And actually really classy if I’m being honest.
Oh shit, Snape’s breaking out the wine? We’re like 2 Barry White songs away from getting weird.
Snape’s like “I don’t like labels. We’re just three people drinking wine. With a sex dungeon across the hall.”
Bellatrix doesn’t trust Snape either. And we’re all like “JOIN THE CLUB.”
“Here, have some wine. I’m going to tell you EXACTLY how I’ve been straddling the fence for 5 books.” – Snape
Oh, for real? – “Many of the Dark Lord’s followers thought Potter might be a standard around which we could all rally once more.” B6p31
The Dark Lord wants to bring Draco into the mix? I guess that could work if the plan was called “All Bark and No Bite.”
Snape is pinky-swears to protect Draco from harm. I hope he had his fingers crossed behind his back.
CH 2: Narcissa and Bella show up at Snape’s, he explains his role as a double agent, and vows to protect Draco even though he is the worst.[divider top="1"]
WHAT UP, THUGGLES? I hope that ibuprofen is starting to kick in because it’s time for #hungoverhustle
CHAPTER 3: WILL AND WON’T
Harry seems to be passed out in a chair. Couldn’t quite make it to his bed. I know that game.
Rumor has it that there’s already a rift between Scrimgeour and Dumbledore. That took all of about 5 minutes.
They’re beefing Hogwarts security by keeping some Aurors on campus. They should’ve pulled a “21 Jump Street” and enrolled them as students.
“NOTHING TO SEE HERE. I’M JUST A TRANSFER STUDENT. I’M DEFINITELY NOT 46. EVERYTHING’S NORMAL.”
The pamphlet from the Ministry entitled “Protecting Your Home and Family Against Dark Forces” is basically just like
This chapter should’ve been called “THINGS IN HARRY’S ROOM THAT HAVE WORDS ON THEM.”
Fuck yes! Harry gets to spend the rest of his summer at the Burrow. Dumbledore’s like “We can pick up a couple cases on the way. HOLLA.”
Harry didn’t even pack? Holy shit if I were Dumbledore I’d be like “WTF, bro? That is just wildly inconsiderate. Time is galleons.”
Dumbledore just walks into the Dursleys’ like he runs the place. Didn’t even take his dope Wizard Nikes off at the door.
“Shall we assume that you have invited me into your sitting room?” – Dumbledore B6p47
Dumbledore has sustained some sort of hand injury. I can only assume he was playing Edward 40hands and fell doing something totally awesome.
Sirius left Harry all of his gold and possessions, including the Grimmauld. Which I think could make a killing during Haunted House season.
They’d get one sight of Kreacher and all the bros would be like
Oh, speak of the devil. WHAT UP, KREACHER? YOU GOOFBALL!
Kreacher is a lot more excited at the possibility of being Bellatrix’s sex slave over Harry’s. Which, I mean, I get it.
Harry’s like “Kreacher, sing a show tune.” and Kreacher’s like “UGH” but he busts out a pretty on-point rendition of “All That Jazz.”
So Kreacher definitely belongs toHarry’s and Harry sends him to the Hogwarts kitchen. Like a villain in a Disney movie.
Hagrid and Buckbeak are back together! HIDE YER DAUGHTERS.
Oh wait, they changed Buckbeak’s name to “Witherwings.” Makin’ it weird.
Dumbledore’s like “In the Wizarding world, you come of age at seventeen. You know, when you can finally see a movie with BOOBS in it LOL!”
New pregame toast for sure – “And now, Harry, let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.” – Dumbledore B6p56
CH 3: Dumbledore comes over to play some Madden, Harry gets Grimmauld and Kreacher in Sirius’ will, and they peace out to the Burrow.[divider top="1"]
I got drunk and watched a documentary about fire ants last night. So things are definitely going well and they are not at all disappointing.
CHAPTER 4: HORACE SLUGHORN
Harry and Dumbledore are alone for the first time since Harry threw a tantrum in his office. Dumbledore’s not making it a thing though.
Harry just apparated for the first time by way of Dumbledore. I imagine that will make a pretty dope page in his scrapbook.
Voldemort is sort of realizing that Harry seeing his thoughts could work against him so he changed his Netflix password.
Oh we’re here to recruit a new DADA professor. I’m starting to think we should just keep that a free period. Maybe study hall or something.
Harry asks Dumbledore about his hand but he’s like “That story is going to blow your fucking mind. I just don’t have time to get into it.”
Inferi are corpses that have been bewitched to do a Dark Wizard’s bidding. NO YEAH, TOTALLY. DEFINITELY NOT TERRIFYING OR GROSS.
Horace’s house is a wreck, y’all. Looks like he had a rager there last night.
OMG HORACE SLUGHORN IS A LAY-Z-BOY.
Posted without commentary – “There was no need to stick the wand in that hard.” – Horace Slughorn B6p64
Slughorn sounds dope as fuck. Walruslike mustache? Maroon velvet jacket? LILAC SILK PAJAMAS? So far so good.
Harry’s scar makes him instantly recognizable. Like Ryan Gosling’s face and body.
Preach – “I’m a tired old man who’s earned the right to a quiet life and a few creature comforts.” -Slughorn B6p67
I’m starting to get a “racist grandpa” vibe from Slughorn with all this Purebloods and Muggle-borns talk.
If Horace tried to invite me to his creepy club thing I’d be like “NOPE LOL!” Or, I mean maybe I’d go if there was bacon.
Now Harry and Dumbledore are having a bro moment in the Weasley’s broom shed. I feel like I could’ve picked a better place but whatever.
UM THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT HOW MANY SPIDERS ARE IN THIS BROOM SHED BUT THEY’RE STILL NOT LEAVING AND I’M LIKE “JUST LEAVE, OKAY?”
Oh nice. Dumbledore is going to give Harry private lessons this year. Harry’s serve and backhand are going to be unstoppable.
CH 4: Dumbledore recruits Horace Slughorn for the vacant DADA teaching position, and he’s a little sketch. Not sure what to think of him.
I bet those ‘puff chicks rock the “slutty [literally any occupation]” costumes every year.
“I didn’t see very many Gangam Style-themed Halloween costumes this year” – No one[divider top="1"]
I know what you’re thinking. “MH, it’s 4 o’clock on a Friday, bro. You couldn’t possibly be hustling right now.” EXCEPT THAT I TOTALLY AM.
So if you’re in class right now you should probably peace the fuck out because it’s HUSTLE TIME, Y’ALL.
CHAPTER 5: AN EXCESS OF PHLEGM
WHAT UP, MOLLY? WHAT UP, TONKS?
There is obviously something bothering Tonks but she’s just saying that everything is fine. TYPICAL, RIGHT GUYS?
Soup for breakfast sounds pretty gross but okay. I’ll allow it.
Promotion for Arthur! We should celebrate over pancakes and alcohol!
Arthur’s new job is to confiscate counterfeit protective objects. Like potions or the condoms they sell in the bathroom at gas stations.
Mrs. Weasley is acting pretty nonchalant about every hand on the clock pointing to “mortal peril.” I’m over here like “OMG SERIOUSLY?”
Arthur’s dearest ambition is to find out how airplanes stay up? IT’S JUST DRAG VS. LIFT, ARTHUR. SHIT’S DOPE AS FUCK.
Making it weird – “What do you like to call me when we’re alone together?” – Molly Weasley B6p86
Fred and George have a little flat in Diagon Alley. Which is probably the equivalent to moving to New York after college, I would think.
It’s always a little heartwarming when Harry, Ron, and Hermione are reunited for that first time in the book.
Except for book 5 because Harry was being a wang the whole time.
Fleur is here! Presumably the babe illustrated at the beginning of the chapter. Either way, Ginny is NOT COOL with it.
BILL AND FLEUR ARE GETTING MARRIED. ZAT EES WONDERFUL NEWS!
I guess Mrs. Weasley, Ginny, and Hermione are less thrilled about the wedding?
Molly’s like “I just think they’re rushing into things” and Harry’s like “Well, yeah. Look at how hot she is. You gotta lock that down.”
Ha, so the reason Hermione isn’t crazy about Fleur is because Ron still gets cartoon hearts in his eyes every time she’s in the room.
Molly’s trying to set Bill up with Tonks. Ron’s like “If Fleur and Tonks are in a room together, you kind of forget that Tonks is a person.”
I think Harry should be getting a percentage from Fred and George’s business since he’s the primary investor. They shouldn’t freeze him out.
Harry tells them about private lessons with Double D and Ron’s like “Blimey! That’s…wait, why were you in the broom shed, though?
A telescope just punched Hermione in the eye. Normal stuff.
Harry’s like “Oh yeah, I think the O.W.L. results are supposed to be coming today” and Hermione’s like “OK BYE.”
Well, the kids all did pretty well on their report cards. And in the Hustle household that means ICE CREAM LOL!
CH 5: The ladies aren’t a big fan of Fleur, Harry tells Ron and Hermione about the prophecy, and the O.W.L. results are ice cream-worthy.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 6: DRACO’S DETOUR
Here’s hoping Draco’s detour leads him into a very unpleasant place because he is the worst.
The kids are playing 2 on 2 quidditch. What do they think this is, NBA Jam? Please.
Happy Sweet Sixteen, Harry! Let’s drive that Ford Anglia to Sonic!
OH SHIT THEY GOT TO RUSSIAN PROF. HE’S DEAD AS FUCK.
To his credit, Russian Prof did survive a whole book. Which is pretty impressive all things considered.
They got Florean too. Harry’s like “The bro who gives me free ice cream? THIS WILL NOT STAND. WE MUST AVENGE HIS ICE CREAM INTO MY FACE.”
Oh man, Ollivander’s gone too? It’s a rough day for minor characters of the Harry Potter series.
Oh nice, Harry is the new quidditch captain. So I guess he now has access to the prefect’s orgy bathroom.
Bill slides a bag of money across the table to Harry like a goddamn drug deal. It’s definitely pretty sketch.
Harry’s been given “top grade security status.” You’d have a better chance of getting to Beiber at this point, so don’t even try it.
Hagrid’s like “WHAT UP? I’m running point on your security. You’re in safe half-giant hands.”
WHAT UP, DRACO? YOU FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL MISHAP.
Harry and Narcissa have an exchange. There are some pretty good burns but Hermione “Wet Blanket” Granger doesn’t let them duel.
Posted without commentary – “You know who? You should be worried about U – NO – POO.” B6p116
Fred, those magenta robes sound like a FASHION EMERGENCY. Clash with your hair much?
Fred and George are getting into the Defense game? JUST STICK TO THE FART BOMBS, YOU GUYS. THE BUSINESS MODEL IS UNSTOPPABLE.
Fred and George got themselves a blonde intern. I’m over here like “YOU DOGS LOL!”
Does anyone know where you can buy some love potion? Asking for a friend.
The gang spots a Narcissaless Draco wandering around outside and it piques their interest. TO THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK!
From the sound of things, Draco is trying to get his American Girl doll fixed but doesn’t want anyone to see him carrying it.
Hermione tried to trick Borgin into telling her which item Draco reserved. She was definitely really subtle and he had no idea.
CH 6: The gang heads to Diagon Alley, business is booming at the Twins’ joke shop, and Draco runs a mysterious errand / is a giant tool.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 7: THE SLUG CLUB
Harry thinks Draco has replaced Lucius and is a Death Eater now. But probably not cause I’m pretty sure it’s a lengthy application process.
They finally had a mostly stress-free trip to the train station. And for a guy who gets to the airport 3 hours early, it’s a relief.
Harry tells Arthur about his Draco theory and Arthur’s like “Yeah no, it DEFINITELY sounds legit.” And Harry’s just like “UGH.”
I DOUBT IT, BRO – “Then he blinked and looked around: He was surrounded by mesmerized girls.” – B6p136
Neville’s Gran got him a new wand because his old one had EYEBALL JUICE ALL OVER IT.
Luna is really the queen of making weird.
Neville and Luna are wondering if they’re going to do D.A. Club again and I’m over here like “OMG YOU TOTALLY SHOULD!”
Some chick named Romilda Vane tries to seductively coerce Harry into sitting with her group but Harry’s like “LOL I’m good!”
Luna’s got some dope spectrespecs on. She’s like “Am I pulling these off?” And I’m like “YES.”
Harry just got a text from Slughorn like “Want 2 get lunch together?”
Harry and Neville show up to Slughorn’s lunch and he’s like “I have no idea who any of these people are.” But Ginny is there so it’s chill.
If name-dropping was a competition, Slughorn would be undefeated.
Harry throws on the invisibility cloak and sneaks into Draco’s compartment. And when I say “sneak” I mean the opposite of that.
Draco is hinting that he might not be at Hogwarts next year and I’m over here like “SERIOUSLY? BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE FUCKING AMAZING.”
Oh shit, Harry just got owned by Draco. That was very difficult to read.
YOU BROKE HIS NOSE WHILE HE WAS PARALYZED? YOU IMPOSSIBLE FUCKING COWARD.
CH 7: Slughorn hosts an awkward lunch, Draco hints that he’ll be working for Voldemort soon, and he leaves Harry in a precarious situation.
All this talk of Hurricane Sandy just makes me want to watch Grease.
Stay safe out there, thuggles. Hunker down and only leave for emergencies. Like if you run out of whiskey.
I’m scared that one day we will live in a world where people only communicate with emojis.
My phone keeps auto-correcting the word “good” to “food.” It’s a pretty food burn, though.[divider top="1"]
This chapter is going to be dedicated to everyone who is hustling by candle light. Or, you know, the glow of your smart phone.
CHAPTER 8: SNAPE VICTORIOUS
I don’t know what “Snape Victorious” means but I’m guessing that several dozen students have been mysteriously poisoned.
So Harry’s just chillin’ on the floor under the invisibility cloak with a broken nose like “Fuck my life.”
My whole thing is, why does the train even go back to London? It’s not like there are any more passengers.
WHAT UP, TONKS? I COULD KISS YOU ON THE MOUTH RIGHT NOW.
Tonks is like “We’re gonna have to jump” and Harry’s like “For real, though?” And Tonks is like “Yeah, let’s Indiana Jones this shit.”
Dawlish is staying in Hogsmeade? Was he one of the ones who capped McGonagall last book? Because I would take issue with that.
They can’t get in. Dumbledore’s got this shit on lock down. But the good news is Snape is going to let him in. I’m sure it will be pleasant.
Snape is being a dick to Tonks for no apparent reason. Unless if you count “not getting laid” a reason.
Harry missed the start-of-term feast. And it’s one of the more tragic things that’s happened in the series so far.
And we missed $orting Hat’s new single. He probably put his thing down, flipped it, and maybe reversed it too if there was enough time.
Hipster Prof is back in the mix. She’s probably “so over” this feast, though.
OMG SNAPE IS THE NEW DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS PROFESSOR. PLEASE LOCATE YOUR FLOOR’S EMERGENCY MARSHAL BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For real, though. Why don’t they ban children of known Death Eaters during this time of crisis? Especially the ones who are total douches.
None of them are taking Care of Magical Creatures with Hagrid. Not cool, bros. Not cool.
CH 8: Tonks comes to Harry’s rescue, and Snape is the new DADA Prof. God help us all.
Thanks for the hustle tonight. Glad to know the thuggles in the Northeast are hanging in there.
IT’S HALLOWEEN Y’ALL. If you find a troll in the bathroom, just be polite and leave so he can drop a deuce in peace.
I’ve achieved “Mean Old Mr. Hustle” status among the neighborhood children, so hopefully none of those little shits will come knockin’ on my door tonight.
Saw some Cowboy and Indian costumes. And they were on actual real life fucking horses. I love Texas.
I was like “FUCK YOU, VOLDEMORT” and managed to get this picture as he was disapparating. pic.twitter.com/jURLOBIf
OMG CHRISTMAS.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 9: THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE
HEY! That’s the name of the book! WEIRD!
Harry is still obsessing about Draco. I’m starting to think he has a big LESBIAN CRUSH on him.
Hermione confiscates a “fanged frisbee from some 4th year. She’s like “Not because it’s dangerous, because you’ll turn into a burnout.”
Ron cracks a pretty mediocre joke but Lavender Brown is LOVING that shit. I think she wants the W.
McGonagall is like “Neville, do you want to take Transfiguration this year?” And he’s like “Yes.” And she’s like “LOL YOU CAN’T, THOUGH!”
Oh shit, McGonagall just had a sick fucking burn on Neville’s Gran Gran. I’m so turned on right now.
Wow, so basically 6th year students have like 4 classes and can spend the rest of their time watching Netflix and checking Twitter.
Snape’s got like, torture porn up on the walls in his new DADA classoom. BUT WHATEVER BECAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY NORMAL, RIGHT?
“The Dark Arts are many, varied, ever-changing, and eternal. You are fight that which is unfixed, mutating, indestructible.” – Snape B6p177
Ron’s going to give himself a hernia trying to jinx Harry without speaking.
Harry and Snape need couples counseling or something because this is starting to get out of control.
WTF Dumbledore wants to have private lessons on Saturday nights? But what about all those dates Harry goes on HAHAHA JUST KIDDING.
I think Amortentia is based on something that exists in real life. You can buy it at a liquor store and it’s called “whiskey.”
So Hermione is loving on Harry for saying she was the best in the class and Ron’s like “PSH. Like, whatever. I would’ve said the same thing”
(It was great when Hermione had to stop listing off what the love potion smelled like to her because she was about to say RON, probably.)
Slughorn’s like “When you’ve seen as much reality TV as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love.”
I don’t think there’s enough Felix Felicis in the world for Harry to get lucky. If you know what I mean. I think you know what I mean.
OH SHIT SLUGHORN’S GIVING AWAY A TINY BOTTLE OF THIS LUCK JUICE.
What would you guys do with 12 hours worth of Felix Felicis? I’d probably attempt to eat a second burrito at Chipolte.
Harry’s got the like Prima Official Game Guide of potions textbooks because this shit is on point.
Harry won the potion. I was just really not expecting that to happen. You should see the look on my face. Pure shock.
So this book belongs to the Half-Blood Prince. Who I think we can safely assume was someone at school when Harry’s parents were there.
CH 9: The kids are pleased with the amount of free time in their schedules, Snape is way into DADA, and Harry wins 12 hours of luck.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER TEN: THE HOUSE OF THE GAUNT
So Harry is still using the Half-Blood Prince’s instructions and now he’s the Walter White of potions class.
Dumbledore should’ve just invited Ron and Hermione to these private lessons to save Harry the time of explaining everything to them later.
Dumbledore’s like “I don’t really have much more to tell you about all this shit, so I thought it’d be fun if we just start GUESSING!”
WHAT UP, BOB OGDEN? It’s a good thing you’re dead because we’re about to get all up in your shit.
Bob is wearing a frock coat of a striped one-piece bathing suit and it is a FASHION EMERGENCY HOLY SHIT.
So Bob, Harry, and Dumbledore get to the house and there’s a snake nailed to the door. That’s usually my cue to peace the fuck out.
HOLY SHIT SOME UNKEMPT DUDE JUST DROPPED THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE SPEAKING PARSELTONGUE. BOB NEEDS TO GTFO.
Morfin seems like a pretty well-adjusted kid. Wait, that’s not what I meant. I meant that he’s pretty fucked up and mostly horrifying.
Well, this seems like a very stable, nurturing home environment EXCEPT THAT IT DOESN’T SEEM THAT WAY AT ALL.
Merope : (
Mr. Gaunt is the fucking opposite of “Father of the Year.”
So Gaunt and his children are the last living descendants of Salazar Slytherin. Which explains why he is an insufferable tool.
Oh, a couple of one percenters just rode by on horseback talking shit. Morfin’s probably going to make it a thing later.
This situation is deteriorating quickly. Gaunt wasn’t pleased that his daughter had eyes for a muggle so he decided to strangle her. Sure.
Gaunt is Voldemort’s pop pop.
For never was a story of more woe than this of Merope and her Riddle-oh.
But seriously though, that story was fucking depressing.
Oh shit, Dumbledore has Salazar Slytherin’s Ring of Power or whatever.
CH 10: We get some insight into Voldemorts family tree it’s depressing as fuck. For real, though.
And sorry, you guys. I just don’t care about The Walking Dead anymore. Season 2 was just appallingly bad. I hope we can get past this.
Go out and vote tomorrow, okay? No excuses. Don’t make this a thing.
“I’m really curious about the political opinions of the people I went to high school with.” – No one.
I am a hungry, hungry hippogriff.[divider top="1"]
Seriously though, sorry about the hiatus.
I was in FL most of the week for work. Didn’t get thrown in Disney jail, so it went a little better than my last visit.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: HERMIONE’S HELPING HAND
The title of this chapter is just a minefield of inappropriateness so I’m going to move past it.
Hagrid is pouting because none of the kids are taking his class. Ron’s like “IDGAF” but Hermione is guilt-tripping hard.
Hermione calls Harry “interesting” and “fanciable” and Ron almost chokes to death on a piece of fish.
Harry gets his new Potions book but totally MacGyvers the covers so that he can still use the HBP’s notes. Hermione is like “WTF? NO.”
Oh shit, Stan Shunpike was arrested on suspicion of Death Eater activity. But I guess now with the dementors gone prison is just whatever.
Lavender Brown just can’t keep it in her pants around Ron in this book. She totally wants it.
This quidditch tryout is a clusterfuck. Harry’s like “If you’re not a Gryffindor you need to peace the fuck out, obviously.”
Ron beat out this McLaggen tool for the Keeper spot FUCK YES.
OMG Hermione confounded McLaggen so that he’d miss the last shot?? All is fair in love and quidditch, I guess.
Hagrid slams his door on the kiddos and his drama queen streak continues. The flower apron isn’t helping.
Aragog is not well. Maybe he got food poisoning from eating an expired human child. GOTTA CHECK THOSE EXPIRATION DATES.
“He says you’re to come to his office at half past eight tonight for your detention. No matter how many party invitations you’ve received.”
CH 11: Hermione helps Ron with his Keeper tryout, The kids smooth things over with Hagrid, and Snape is a snapehole.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 12: SILVER AND OPALS
Dumbledore is still sneaking around. Gone for days at a time. I think it’s pretty clear he’s hooking up with someone on the sly.
Harry is reading the HBP’s textbook just for funsies now. Ron’s like “Bro?” But Harry is like “Chill. This shit is on point.”
You guys, I had no idea that you could just fucking INVENT your own spells. That opens up sooooo many doors, bacon-wise.
Eh, Harry thinks the Half-Blood Prince might be his dad, but I’m not buying that. NEXT.
Slughorn is that guy at the bar who hasn’t quite realized the girl he’s pestering is 100% uninterested. In this metaphor Harry is the girl.
OH SHIT HARRY’S GOT MUNDUNGUS IN A CHOKE HOLD BECAUSE HE’S BEEN THIEVING FROM SIRIUS’ HOUSE. IT’S PRETTY FUCKING METAL.
Ron’s got eyes for the barmaid. And Hermione’s got dagger-eyes.
Harry is a little jeal that Ginny was with Dean the whole time. He’s going to subtweet about it later.
SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH KATIE, Y’ALL.
Harry remembers a green opal he saw ages ago at Brogin and Burkes? That seems unlikely unless he Instagram-ed it.
Draco giving Katie the necklace is one of Harry’s weaker theories. He doesn’t seem to be watching enough “Sherlock” on Netflix.
So they come to the conclusion that the scheme with the necklace failed regardless. Unless the whole point was to get it to Snape.
CH 12: The kids take a trip to Hogsmeade, Katie Bell is cursed by touching a green opal, and Harry is still obsessing about Draco.
I wish I was as good at anything as most people are at making themselves look attractive in profile pictures.
Ernest Hemingway would’ve been so good at Twitter.[divider top="1"]
Is it just me, or is it really cold in my apartment right now?
CHAPTER 13: THE SECRET RIDDLE
Dumbledore must have a private Twitter account because Harry never knows what he’s up to.
Harry’s like “Did McGonagall tell you about my Malfoy theory?” And Dumbledore’s like “YES LOL! I mean, yeah, she mentioned it.”
Oh shit, Burke has some sort of connection with Voldemort. But more importantly, his name is CARACTACUS? THAT’S DOPE AS FUCK OMG.
BE CAREFUL, TEENAGERS – “It is possible that her unrequited love and the attendant despair sapped her of her powers; that can happen.”
“This time we are going to enter *my* memory. I think you’ll find it both rich in detail and satisfyingly accurate.” – Dumbeldore B6p262
Dumbledore is wearing a “flamboyantly cut suit of plum velvet.” And it sounds like the exact opposite of a FASHION EMERGENCY.
Dumbledore is meeting with some lady about Tom Riddle. But he brought the party with him. MAGIC GIN & TONICS, Y’ALL.
Damn, this chick is three shots deep and telling Dumbledore all KINDS of shit.
Going deep on shots is probably how your parents are going to get you to tell them who you voted for at Thanksgiving, so watch out.
I’ve lost count of how many shots of gin this woman has taken. I forgot her name but she’s my favorite character in the books so far.
Tom hung some kid’s rabbit from the rafters? DICK MOVE, BRO.
If this was Game of Thrones Dumbledore would be murdering the fuck out of this Tom Riddle kid by now.
Tom is like “So this shit I can do is magic?” And then he lists off all the stuff and I’m over here like WHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD IT BE?
You can say that again – “You are not the first, nor will you be the last, to allow your magic to run away with you.” – D to Tom B6p273
Well, I think it’s safe to say that Tom Riddle is a little fucking creep.
“Did I know that I had just met the most dangerous Dark wizard of all time? No, I had no idea that he was to grow up to be what he is.” – D
CH 13: Dumbledore won’t tell Harry where he’s been, and we get a glimpse of Voldemort when he was a whippersnapper. And he’s pretty weird.
I’m not sure if you can survive eating only leftover Halloween candy, but I’mma find out.
CHAPTER 14: FELIX FELICIS
Harry fills Ron and Hermione in about the puppy version of Voldemort. Ron’s kinda meh about it but Hermione’s all about it.
So they are harvesting pods from this Snargaluff or whatever, and it’s kind of the things nightmares are made of. Absolutely not, thank you.
Slughorn wants Harry at his Christmas party more than I want most things.
Ron is freaking out about this Slub Club party and Hermione is like “I have a +1 and was totally going to ask you but you’re being a wang.”
I guess Ron is waiting to make his move on Hermione until Book 8 OH WAIT.
Harry is playing out the Ron/Hermione relationship in his head and either way it’s not looking good. #ThirdWheel4Life
Harry invites Dean to join the team since Katie is out. Seamus is PISSED. If there’s any Guinness on campus it doesn’t stand a chance.
Oh shit, Ron is sucking it up in goal and just punched Demelza in the face. NOT OKAY, RON.
OMG GINNY AND DEAN ARE SUCKING FACE AND IT’S GROSS, YOU GUYS.
Dean sort of cracks a smile at Harry like “RIGHT?” and Harry’s like “FUCK YOU, BRO.”
Ginny’s like “Don’t be mad at me just ’cause the best snog you’ve gotten was from Aunt Muriel” and Ron’s like “You shut your goddamn mouth!”
Whew, Ginny is gone and it’s just Harry and Ron now. And after all the shit she said, it’s probably really fucking awkward.
Harry’s trying to convince himself that Ginny is out of bounds because she’s Ron’s sister and I’m over here like “LOL!”
Ron is being a GRUMPY GUS!
If Ron wants to get a few practice snogs in, Lavender Brown still seems pretty willing.
Harry slips something in Ron’s drink. I think I know what it might be.
Ha, instead of Ron playing well, the Felix Felices has decided to make everyone on the Slytherin team unable to compete. Whatever works.
So Harry tells Ron and Hermione that he did not put the Luck Juice in Ron’s drink and somehow they just get mad at each other? HORMONES.
RON AND LAVENDER? SO MUCH TONGUE, YOU GUYS. I CAN’T.
Now Ron is flaunting Lavender in front of Hermione. Which I would not suggest doing when Hermione’s got her wand at the ready.
Oh shit, I was just joking about the wand thing, but Hermione for real just got vindictive with MAGIC. Scary stuff.
Hell hath no fury like a Hermione scorned.
CH 14: Harry tricks Ron into not sucking at quidditch, and hormones are flying around like a flock of snitches up in here.[divider top="1"]
Has the internet made a Little Bunny Foo Foo/Honey Boo Boo mash-up yet OR DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?
CHAPTER 15: THE UNBREAKABLE VOW
Oh man, I didn’t think the “unbreakable vow” thing was going to come up again. CURVEBALL.
So all the Christmas decorations are up at Hogwarts. Harry tries to avoid all the mistletoe like a big ol’ prude.
Ron and Hermione aren’t speaking to each other. Lavender Brown is really Yoko-ing the group.
“You better be careful, Harry. There are like 15 girls in the bathroom right now trying to figure out the best way to rufie you.” – Hermione
Good heavens – “Ginny kept cropping up in his dreams in ways that made him devoutly thankful that Ron could not perform Legilimency.” B6p306
The creepy librarian freaks out at Harry because he wrote “Zeppelin Rules!” in his potions book. Relax, Madam Prince.
Romilda gives Harry some chocolates that have fire whiskey in them. RUN, BRO.
Ron just gave himself a handlebar mustache. He looks dope as fuck. Speaking of which, Happy Movember, y’all. Donate some money.
Harry just invited Luna to Slughorn’s party. And it’s mostly pretty adorable.
No one has invited Luna to a party before? LUNA, I WOULD INVITE YOU TO ALL THE THINGS.
“Potty lurves Loony!” – Peeves, y’all.
HEY RON, YOU’VE BEEN A TOTAL D-BAG LATELY. JUST A FRIENDLY HEADS UP.
Parvati is being nice to Hermione because she laughed at her earlier. And Hermione is being nice back. And Harry is like “Seriously, WTF?”
THAT’S THE THING, THOUGH – “Girls were very strange sometimes.” B6p313
HERMIONE AND CORMAC MCLAGGEN ARE TOTALLY DATING. THE “OMG” HAS REACHED CRITICAL MASS. ALL NON-ESSENTIAL PERSONNEL MUST EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.
There is some gangly vampire at this party and all the girls are freaking out. What is about vampires, ladies? I’d like to know.
Some dude offers to write Harry’s biography and he’s like “There are already 7 books about me so I think I’m all set. Thanks.”
The McLaggen thing has backfired on Hermione. Ladies, just tell the guy how you feel in a 2 a.m. drunk text like God intended.
Based on this conversation with Slughorn, I’m thinking Snape is probably the Half-Blood Prince. But don’t tell me either way.
Well this party just got substantially more douchey. WHAT UP, DRACO?
So Harry listens in on a conversation between Draco and Snape. But we don’t have much context so I’m not going to freak out about it.
CH 15: Ron and Hermione torment each other, Harry takes Luna to Slughorn’s party, and Snape exchanges secretive words with Draco.
Whew, that was a long one today. Sorry for blowing up your timelines.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: A VERY FROSTY CHRISTMAS
If Voldemort is reanimating the dead to fight, it doesn’t seem outside the realm of possibility that Frosty The Snowman might show up.
That’s all I’m saying.
So Ron is like “You can’t break and Unbreakable Vow, bro.” And Harry’s like “Holmes, you astound me.”
If Ginny doesn’t want to share a room with Fleur, I definitely volunteer.
George is trying to seduce some girl in town with magic tricks. And if he’s successful, it will be the first time that’s ever happened.
This song “A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love” is definitely not suggestive or gross and I’d love to hear it in a room with my parents.
“Snape is the bad guy here. I’m sure of it! – Harry Potter, Books 1-6
Lupin is like “Harry, chill the fuck out. Dumbledore thinks he’s chill so we trust him.” And Harry’s like “UGH.”
Fluer is like “Eez the music over? Thank goodness.” And Mrs. Weasley is like “Fuck this bitch” and starts hitting the sauce.
Oh shit, Lupin has been living underground with like, a community of werewolves? WEREWOLVES ARE SCARY ENOUGH WITHOUT BEING ORGANIZED.
Fenrir Greyback’s philosophy is the same as the tobacco industry – GET ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE YOUNG.
James used to refer to Lupin’s werewolf condition as his “fury little problem.” Making it weird.
Lupin is like “Jinxes go in and out of fashion. Like snap bracelets. Or ‘YOLO’”
Hang on, I gotta eat some dinner. BRB, Y’ALL.
Lavender got Ron some thick gold chain that says “My Sweetheart” that pretty much guarantees he will get his ass kicked by everyone.
Harry got another sweater from Mrs. Weasley. And it’s like, fuck that guy. Seriously. Dude has a closet full of Weasley sweaters. I h8 him.
Awww, Kreacher got Harry a box of maggots for Christmas! <3 <3
Harry’s like “I’d take the maggots over the necklace.” And it’s a pretty good burn.
Fred and George got Mrs. Weasley a dope sparkling hat and a phat new chain. She’s BALLIN’ Y’ALL.
Ginny picked a maggot out of Harry’s hair. Which is how all the great romances are born. Seriously, it’s like a Disney movie up in here.
Mrs. Weasley is for real about to grab Fleur by the hair and drown her in the gravy.
PERCY IS HERE. DOUCHING UP THE PLACE LIKE A BIG OL’ DOUCHE.
Scrimgeour is here too. He picks Harry “at random” to give him a tour of the garden like he’s fucking fooling anyone. Please.
Scrimgeour just wants Harry to be SEEN at the Ministry. He’s basically taking on the strategy of a club promoter at this point.
Harry tells Scrimgeour to fuck off, basically. It’s pretty satisfying.
CH 16: We have Christmas at the Weasleys, Lupin has joined a werewolf gang, and Prime Minister tries to work over Harry to no avail.
I hope she snogs me in Hogsmeade.[divider top="1"]
I’m hustling from my parents’ dining room table tonight by the light of a chandelier and surrounded by fancy candle holders. It’s confusing.
I GUESS THIS IS HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES. Whatever, I’ll just drink all their scotch. I don’t even care.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: A SLUGGISH MEMORY
The new password for the Gryffindor common room is “Abstinence.” Neville should have an easier time remembering that one.
Lavender just called Ron “Won-Won.” 5,000 points from Gryffindor.
APPARITION LESSONS, Y’ALL. LEARN HOW TO SHOW UP OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE FOR JUST 12 GALLEONS.
“I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.” B6p356
Dumbledore is crying a little in front of Harry. Making it weird. Like, so weird, you guys.
Harry tells Dumbledore his Snape/Malfoy story. Dumbledore’s like “Seriously bro, you need to pump the breaks with this shit.”
So I guess before the Death Eaters were official they were just some ruffians at school. Stealing your pumpkin juice money.
The years have not been so great to Morfin. He kind of looks like Dumbeldore if Dumbledore got hooked on opium.
Whoa, Morfin just called his sister a “slut.” LET’S EVERYBODY JUST CALM DOWN.
Morfin took credit for Voldemort’s triple murder? That’s kind of rude!
The more I learn about underage magic laws the more I think they are kind of bullshit.
Okay, now we’re on memory #2 and this is supposed to better than the first. Like The Empire Strikes Back or, you know, Secret of the Ooze.
This fog/stream of consciousness thing from Slughorn is pretty trippy. I feel like we’re in divination class.
Okay, I guess that memory had been retroactively tampered with. Like pretty much every memory I have from middle school.
“Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get Slughorn shithoused on tequila so he will tell you about Voldemort and Horcruxes.”
CH 17: We get the DVD commentary version of the Riddle triple homicide from Book 4, and Harry’s tasked with extracting info from Slughorn.
Be safe getting home for Thanksgiving, you guys. And for fuck’s sake, don’t text while you’re driving.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: BIRTHDAY SURPRISES
My mind went somewhere relatively inappropriate with “Birthday Surprises” so I’m just going to move on.
Hermione doesn’t know what horcruxes are? Does that mean they’re not a real thing? I’m confused.
We’re getting into some Advanced Potions jargon and I have no idea what’s happening. Is this what Organic Chemistry is like?
Harry’s supposed to make an antidote but his magic potion book is no help at all. Like when I bought that book about adult virginity.
BEZOAR FTW! SUCK IT, HERMIONE.
Wow, Harry is just diving right into this horcrux discussion with Slughorn. Pulling the ripcord. YOU NEED TO WORK AROUND THE EDGES, BRO.
Even a trip to the library didn’t reveal anything about horcruxes. Sounds like they need to ask Jeeves.
WHAT UP, WILKIE TWYCROSS? I’MMA FORGET YOUR NAME IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES.
Noow Harry is tipping his hand to Malfoy and telling him he knows something’s up. He’s basically the opposite of James Bond this chapter.
Harry is not thinking about his Destination, he’s certainly showing no Determination, and his Deliberation leaves something to be desired.
Did you guys ever get frustrated reading these books sometimes? It’s like YOU’RE ABOUT TO LEARN HOW TO FUCKING DISAPPEAR. PAY ATTENTION.
SUSAN BONES JUST GOT SPLINCHED, Y’ALL. IT’S SO FUCKING METAL.
Peeves isn’t letting people through the door until they set their pants on fire. CLASSIC.
Now Harry’s got the Marauder’s Map out like a fucking stalker. This is bordering on the pathological.
Draco might be leaving the castle. I mean, it’s probably just to hit up Wendy’s, but still.
Okay, I’m going to make a sandwich for dinner. Does anybody want anything while I’m in the kitchen?
Ron is getting emotional. Making it weird.
Oh okay, it’s no big deal. Ron’s been drugged by Romilda Vane. NORMAL STUFF.
That’s a true friend, you guys. Drinking some girl’s sex potion so your best friend doesn’t have to.
I think Ron may have just irrevocably offended his snogging partner. Rookie mistake.
Love potions seem to strengthen over time, SO DON’T FORCE THAT SHIT, Y’ALL.
So they cured Ron of being annoying, and now Slughorn is offering them alcohol? What is even happening right now?
SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH RON, Y’ALL : (
CH 18: Apparition lessons are mostly uneventful, Harry is stalking Draco, Ron gets love-potioned and has a bad reaction to the antidote.
BRB crying at the Les Misérables trailer again.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER NINETEEN: ELF TAILS
So Ron is convalescing in the hospital wing and Fred and George are here. They don’t seem too concerned, so I think Ron’s probably fine.
Hermione is putting on a brave face. I KNOW U HURTIN’, GURL.
There’s speculation on who poisoned the bottle and why. And I’m like “Maybe @jk_rowling just got bored and felt like murdering someone.”
Ron just muttered Hermione’s name in his sleep. THAT’S SORT OF MY THING, BRO.
I’m pretty sure Aragog is Ron’s Voldemort. Neither can live while the other survives, probably.
Harry has now saved the lives of 3 Weasleys. If he saves 5 more he’ll get a free smoothie!
Hagrid’s like “If kids keep getting hurt they’ll probably close down the school for good” and Hermione’s like “Honestly I’d rather be poisoned.”
Oh, no worries. I’m sure Harry’ll just let that one go – “‘S’no wonder Dumbledore’s angry with Sn-” – Hagrid B6p405
When is Harry going to learn that half-heard conversations with no context are not admissible as evidence?
That’s a dope verse, Peeves – “When there’s strife and when there’s trouble / Call on Peevsie, he’ll make it double!” B6p407
Cormac McLaggen didn’t waste much time pouncing on Ron’s quidditch position. Maybe Hermione will break his femur this time.
Ugh, Lavender wants to talk to Harry about Ron’s feelings. I’d rather talk to a mandrake.
Harry’s like “But for real, stop pretending you’re asleep when Lavender comes to see you” and Ron’s like “But then I’d have to talk to her.”
I think Draco is about to have a threesome? That’s certainly what the evidence suggests at least.
OMG LUNA IS THE NEW QUIDDITCH ANNOUNCER, YOU GUYS. THAT’S BASICALLY THE BEST THING I COULD EVER THINK OF.
Luna is absolutely killing it as an announcer. Pointing out dope clouds and shit? ON POINT, Y’ALL.
Harry has finished a staggering amount of quidditch matches in the hospital wing.
IT’S A PRETTY GOOD BURN, THOUGH – “I saw Malfoy sneaking off with a couple of girls who didn’t look like they wanted to be with him.” B5p41
Oh shit, Dobby and Kreacher are muggle dueling out of nowhere. FUCK HIS SHIT UP, DOBBY.
So Harry hires Dobby and Kreacher to be his surveillance team. And it’s the start of what would make a pretty promising buddy cop movie. Lethal Elfin’
CH 19: Lavender makes Ron wish he died from the poison, McLaggen break’s Harry’s skull, and Harry enlists the help of an unlikely duo.
Well, I didn’t win the powerball, you guys. Kinda makes me wish I hadn’t told my boss to go fuck himself last night, but oh well.
“I catcalled some girl last night and she totally had sex with me.” – A person who is lying.
It’s Friday, y’all. Go out and have fun, but be careful with gateway potions.[divider top="1"]
Are you guys ready? #hungoverhustle
CHAPTER TWENTY: LORD VOLDEMORT’S REQUEST
I don’t know what Lord Voldemort’s request is going to be, but he can kindly shove it up his ass because no.
Dean and Ginny have been fighting. They keep posting indirect status updates that are obviously about the other person and it’s annoying.
Harry is trying to be casual asking about Ginny’s relationship status but he is being the opposite of that because Hermione sniffed it out.
I feel like that’s the third time some little girl has been casually mentioned in a hallway scene. Is one of the 1st years a hired assassin?
OMG LAVENDER SIGHTING. GTFO RON!
Harry has an appointment with Dumbledore, but Hipster Prof is in his office complaining about Horse Prof. Making it weird.
Holy shit, Harry has let Dumbledore down with this Slughorn memory thing and it’s soooooooo uncomfortable.
Letting Dumbledore down would be at the top of the list of fictional things I wouldn’t want to happen to me.
“I got 99 problems but I don’t care about 98 of them because one of the problems is that Dumbledore is upset with me.” – Harry Potter
Tom Riddle got a job at Borgin and Burkes after Hogwarts according to his LinkedIn profile.
This house call between Hepzibah and Tom Riddle is starting to seem like the beginning of an Adult Wizard film.
Too. Many. Jokes. – “Not so fast or I’ll think you’re only here for my trinkets!” – Hepzibah B6p435
OH COME ON – “I’ve something to show you that I’ve never shown Mr. Burke.” – Hepzibah B6p435
So this Hepzibah gal is a descendent of Helga ‘puff and we’re all like ‘LOL DON’T CARE.”
Uh oh, that’s Voldemort’s mommy’s locket. Shit might take a turn here, thuggles.
We’re going into Dumbledore’s memory. I hope he gets someone wasted on Gin again.
So Tom Riddle’s not looking so good anymore. He apparently looks like he’s been hungover for 10 years.
This conversation between Dumbledore and Voldemort is pretty intense. They might as well get their wands out and make it offish.
Voldemort’s like “Can I have a job?” And Dumbledore’s like “LOL GOOD ONE, TOM. YOU ARE ADORABLE.”
And they haven’t been able to keep a DADA for more than a year since this meeting. Maybe something similar happened to the Chicago Cubs.
CH 20: Ron and Hermione are friends again, Dumbledore is disappointed in Harry, and we more of Tom Riddle’s transformation into Voldemort.
Facebook seems to have me confused with someone who cares about engagement announcements.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 21: THE UNKNOWABLE ROOM
Harry’s trying to figure out how to get Slughorn to talk. I’m still pretty convinced tequila is the best option.
Harry found an incantation in his book that says “For Enemies.” WHAT ENEMIES, BRO? YOU’RE HARRY POTTER! Wait…
Hermione is like “The answer to your Slughorn thing isn’t in that book.” And Harry’s like “STFU HERMIONE. SERIOUSLY, THOUGH.”
OMG Ron just told Hermione he loved her. Trying. Not. To. Freak. Out.
Hermione played it cool like a champ. Ron’s just like whatever. IT OBVIOUSLY MEANT SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN EITHER OF THEM.
Ron’s like “Remember how your relationship with Cho just kind of ended in shambles? I want that.” And Harry’s like “Oh fuck you, bro!”
Dobby and Kreacher are here for their first report. Dobby hasn’t slept for a week but he’s still pretty enthusiastic. GO TO BED, DOBBY.
I hope this Dobby/Kreacher partnership is in the movie because I’m getting such a kick out of it.
Malfoy is using the Room of Requirement for evil, presumably. Or to practice his interpretive dance routine. I’d prefer the latter.
Kreacher is still acting like he’s better than Hermione. AS IF, KREACHER.
Draco is turning Crabbe and Goyle into little ladies to keep a lookout. And it’s the closest either of them have come to talking to ladies.
Harry’s determined to get into the Room of Requirement, forgetting about Slughorn. DUDE, DON’T YOU REMEMBER THE LOOK ON DUMBLEDORE’S FACE?
Harry’s like “Ghosts are transparent.” and Snape is like “LOL OMG” and Ron’s like “He was pretty on point, though.”
Myrtle is in the boy’s bathroom. Creepin’ like a creep.
Myrtle’s talking about a boy who comes to cry in the bathroom and I’m like “WELL IT DEFINITELY WASN’T ME BECAUSE I DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE.”
Harry’s still stressing about this Slughorn situation. Doesn’t he still have his Felix Felicis or did he use that on the Powerball?
Harry hits on the girl version of Goyle outside the Room of Requirement. Making it weird.
WHAT UP, TONKS? U LOOK GOOD, GIRL.
So Draco can hear Goyle drop the brass scales or whatever, but he can’t hear Harry muttering shit at the Room of Requirement in the hall?
Harry thinks Tonks was in love with Sirius. We all kind of already figured that out though, right?
CH 21: Dobby and Kreacher alert Harry to the fact that Draco has been using the Room of Requirement, and Harry can’t get in.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 22: AFTER THE BURIAL
Hagrid sent the kids a text saying that Aragog is dead with a bunch of cry-face emojis.
Well, you know what they say : All Volvo-sized, terrifying, child-eating, nightmare spiders go to heaven.
So the kids are basically like “Fuck that” and ignore Hagrid’s tear-stained letter like a bunch brats. WHO ARE THE MONSTERS NOW, CHILDREN?
So finally a light switches on and they’re like “THE LUCK POTION, BRO.” Fucking finally.
Harry’s been saving the Felix Felicis for Ginny-related endeavors. I’d make fun of him if I wasn’t so sure that’s how I’d use it too.
Fuck you, Fenrir Greyback. Seriously, though.
It’s just Harry, Draco, and Ernie in Potions class right now. And it’s probably pretty awkward if I’m being honest.
Harry’s going to attempt to make “An Elixir to Induce Euphoria.” Definitely sounds school appropriate.
So Harry is going to give Slughorn this liquid form ecstasy without dropping some club beats in the background? Kind of seems like a waste.
Wait, Harry’s just emptying out his cauldron? At least sell that shit at the Hog’s Head or something. Make a few extra galleons.
Ron failed his apparition test because he left half an eyebrow behind. Like when I lost that bet to my brother.
Harry is drunk as fuck on Felix Felicis and decides to bail on Slughorn and check out the spider funeral instead. Seems legit.
Harry throws off his invisibility cloak like “WHAT UP, SLUGHORN? ARE YOU FEELING LUCKY, BECAUSE I AM LOL.”
Who wants to harvest some acromantula venom? DON’T EVERYONE VOLUNTEER AT ONCE.
Slughorn is using house elves to test his alcohol for poison. Somewhere the sole member of SPEW is having a meltdown.
I’d probably just call the Refilling Charm “The Charm” because it would mostly be the only one I ever used.
PARRY OTTER, YOU GUYS!
Wow, this Lily Evans guilt-trip Harry is using on Slughorn is INTENSE. And that’s coming from a guy who has a Catholic mother.
MEMORY ACQUIRED. LET’S GO KILL SOME BAD GUYS.
CH 22: Aragog bites the dust, but Harry uses it to his advantage and extracts Slughorn’s memory with the help of some Felix Felices.[divider top="1"]
Bars in NY never close. I mean, they close at 4, but that’s basically the same as not closing. So it gets tricky.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: HORCRUXES
So the Felix Felices is like “BYE LOL” and now Harry has to sleep out in the hall because the password changed. How far you done fell, son.
Dumbledore’s in the building, y’all. Pacing around his office. Thinking outside the box and shit.
So the last time we watched Slughorn’s memory it was on TBS and all the good parts were edited out. Now we’re watching it on HBO.
Riddle is working over Slughorn like it’s his job. It makes you feel kind of gross, though.
So a horcrux is “an object in which a person has concealed part of their soul.” So for me I guess it would be Arrested Development DVDs.
“Few would want it, Tom. Death would be preferable.” – Slughorn B6p497
“LOL OF COURSE I’M NOT GOING TO USE THIS INFORMATION, but could you be more specific? Don’t leave out any details.” – Tom Riddle.
Wow, seven horcruxes? That just seems like it would take entirely too much effort. Death would, in fact, be preferable.
I’m starting to get a Legend of Zelda-like vibe from this conversation. Like we’re gonna have to go destroy all seven horcruxes. UGH.
Oh shit, I forgot about Voldemort’s Hello Kitty diary from Chamber of Secrets. ONE DOWN, Y’ALL.
Dumbledore just used the word “blasé” and I think I saw one of the portraits roll their eyes.
Dumbledore destroyed Tom’s ring! He’s like “Fuck it, I don’t even need this hand. Because I know FUCKING MAGIC.”
Four horcruxes doesn’t seem that bad! I’m sure it’s all downhill from here, right guys?? Right? Guys??
Harry’s like “Next time you destroy a part of his soul, can I tag along?” And Dumbledore’s like “Yeah, bro!” And I’m like “FIELD TRIP LOL!”
Harry makes a smart-ass comment about love and Dumbledore’s like “Love is all you need, though. Have you not like, listened to the Beatles?”
So after that speech from Dumbledore Harry’s all psyched to face off with Voldemort and he hits the weight room.
CH 23: We learn pretty much everything about horcruxes. Shit’s crazy.
I don’t think Voldemort would have put so much effort into achieving immortality if he knew that Hostess was going to be shutting down.
So we’re all just going to act like the dude in “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” isn’t a huge creep? We’re just going to let that slide?[divider top="1"]
Harry tells Hermione and Ron about Slughorn and horcruxes and it’s a little distracting for Ron. He’s uh, making it snow. Kinda jealous.
Hermione grabs Ron’s arm to make him stop and Lavender throws some pretty terrifying dagger eyes her way. Hermione’s like “Bitch, please.”
OMG GINNY AND DEAN BROKE UP. EVERYBODY BE COOL. DON’T FREAK OUT.
Harry’s having a Gollum/Smeagol conversation in his head about dating his best friend’s sister. It’s weird.
Katie Bell is back! YOU LOOK GOOD, GURL.
Harry immediately starts interrogating Katie because of course he does. Oh, the theories going on in that Draco-addled brain of his.
They want to make more Felix Felicis but give up instantly because it takes 6 months? IT PROBABLY WOULDN’T HURT, YOU GUYS.
“We probably won’t need any more Felix Felicis because we rarely find ourselves in dangerous or precarious situations.”
Bro? – “Harry was glad to have an innocent reason to look at Ginny.” B6p518
Well, whether it’s Draco or Ginny, Harry seems to give 100% as far as overall focus is concerned.
Draco IS the boy who’s crying in the Bathroom with Myrtle LOLOLOLOLOL!!!
OH SHIT HARRY JUST SECTUMSEMPRA’D THE SHIT OUT OF MALFOY THAT WAS SO METAL.
Ugh, we were about to be rid of Draco for good and then Snape has to come in and RUIN IT.
Damn your Unbreakable Vow! Literally no one is going to miss this kid. I promise.
Why does Harry even bother trying to hide his potions book? Snape already has the legilimens key to brain locker.
So Harry stumbles into the Room of Requirement and it’s basically where generations of Hogwarts students have been hiding their porn.
Snape’s like “If this is your book, why is Roonil Wazlib written inside the cover?” And Harry’s like “That’s my hip-hop alias. WHAT UP?”
Hermione and Ginny are getting into it. I..I don’t know who to root for. This is confusing.
Detention with Snape instead of quidditch. That’s gotta be like a swift kick to the soft stuff, huh?
I’m sure Harry won’t come to some important realization while sorting through all these old files in detention. Nothing to see here!
HARRY TOTALLY JUST MADE OUT WITH GINNY OMG OMG OMG
In a series about wizards, the most unbelievable thing so far is that Ron would be cool with his best friend making out with his sister.
CH 24: Harry gets in trouble for almost murdering Draco, he finds the secret stash in the Room of Requirement, and gets to first base.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 25: THE SEER OVERHEARD
So basically everyone is tweeting about Harry and Ginny getting together. Harry’s like “IDGAF.”
Romilda asked Ginny if Harry has a hippogriff tattoo on his chest. I’m over here like “I DON’T THINK SO BUT THAT SOUNDS DOPE AS FUCK.”
Uh oh, you guys. Ginny has her OWLs coming up and Harry is distracting her. Hermione’s like “Absolutely the fuck not.”
Hermione throws down some old newspaper with a picture of Eileen Prince like “YOU JUST GOT HERMIONED, BITCH.” Harry’s unimpressed, though.
Snape is being a snapehole about the detentions. He’s like “You should just move your belongings down here because detention forever.”
Dumbledore wants Harry up in his office as soon as possible. He probably got a text from a crush that he needs help analyzing.
Wow, Hipster Prof is a hot mess right now. Broken sherry bottles. Shawls and beads tangled up in her glasses. Go to bed.
The call was coming from INSIDE THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT.
Hipster Prof just called Harry a “wonderful object” and I’m pretty sure that’s not how you’re supposed to refer to your students.
Hipster Prof reveals Snape to be there on the day of the Prophecy and now Harry is convinced again that Snape is a bad guy and it’s tiring.
Dumbledore thinks he’s found another horcrux but has literally 0 information about it. He’s like “I think it’s in a cave or some shit LOL!”
Harry has another outburst in Dumbledore’s office and the D is like “OMG JUST STFU ABOUT THIS ALREADY!”
So Harry undermines Dumbledore and puts Hermione, Ron, and Ginny to the task of following Snape and Draco. YEAH, NO. TOTALLY.
CH 25: Harry and Ginny are sitting in a tree, Harry freaks about Snape for the thousandth time, and he goes horcrux hunting with Dumbledore.[divider top="1"]
We’re approaching that part of the book that has traditionally been #doublehustle territory, so we’ll see how things shake out.
CHAPTER 26: THE (MOTHER FUCKING) CAVE
This setting doesn’t seem foreboding at all. It actually seems pretty chill EXCEPT THAT IT DOESN’T SEEM THAT WAY AT ALL HOLY SHIT.
Dumbledore’s like “You ready? This torture cave isn’t going to search itself.”
Sorry, y’all. I have to take this out of context because I’m immature – “You will not object to getting a little wet?” – Dumbledore B6p556
For real, though. The form on Dumbledore’s breaststroke is pretty on point.
Dumbledore’s like “Yes, this is the place.” And Harry’s like “How can you tell?” And Dumbledore’s like “Google Maps, bro. Shit’s dope.”
Oh, okay. So this is just the “antechamber.” We haven’t even gotten to the rich, caramel center of Nightmare Cave yet.
This door requires a blood payment. NO, YEAH, IT’S FINE. LET’S JUST KEEP GOING BECAUSE WHY WOULD WE JUST GO BACK TO OUR WARM BEDS?
Dumbledore’s like “We need to draw blood. This is what I brought you for.” And Harry’s like “THE FUCK?” And Dumbledore’s like “LOL JK!”
Something just emerged from the water to defend the horcrux. This is the point in our journey where I’d be like “Fuck it” and peace out.
THE FACT THAT DUMBLEDORE IS SO CALM IS MAKING THIS SO MUCH WORSE, YOU GUYS.
Ha, Voldemort just left a boat in there? That sort of seems like, kind of a really fucking stupid thing to do, but okay.
Dumbledore’s like “Alright, let’s ride this tiny boat into the black water filled with monsters.” And Harry’s like “Nah, I’m good.”
Jeeze, you’d think the most powerful Dark Wizard of all time could muster up a nicer boat than this. This thing is a piece.
UM, THERE ARE DEAD BODIES IN THE WATER. ABSOLUTELY NOT. START MOVING THOSE OARS IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION BECAUSE NO.
Dumbledore’s like “Voldemort’s unwise to think these things would scare us.” And I’m like “Literally everything so far has been terrifying.”
Dumbledore’s like “We’ll be fine because FIRE.” And Harry’s like “[facepalm].”
OH, OKAY – “I am not sure. Something more worrisome than blood and bodies, however.” – Dumbledore B6p567
They get to this green potion nonsense and Dumbledore’s like “I think I’m just going to drink it.” And Harry’s like “WTF?” And I’m like “!”
You guys. This green potion part. I can’t.
OMG FUCK THIS GREEN POTION.
GOD DAMMIT HARRY NOT THE LAKE. YOUR INSTRUCTIONS WERE SO FUCKING SIMPLE.
Dumbledore rallied and he’s back, y’all! He’s like “FILL IT UP AGAIN. I’MA DO ONE MORE.”
Oh no, Harry got cut on a rock? THAT MUST’VE BEEN SO FUCKING HARD I’M SO SORRY. ARE YOU OKAY?
: ( x1000 – “I am not worried. I am with you.” – Dumbledore B6p578
CH 26: The Cave is basically the worst place imaginable and everything is the worst.
You guys, I’m going to need a minute before we start the next chapter.[divider top="1"]
Before I start the next chapter, could someone come over and hold my hand?
CHAPTER 27: THE LIGHTNING-STRUCK TOWER
Dumbledore’s like “I need Snape” and Harry’s like “Ugh, you sure? I could get you like a gingerale or something?”
Oh for fuck’s sake. The Dark Mark? Seriously? CAN YOU D-BAGS GIVE US A FUCKING MINUTE?
There’s just no way to make that sound cool – “Accio Rosmerta’s Brooms!” – Harry Potter B6p582
Oh hey, Draco. GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Dumbledore is patronizing the shit out of Malfoy and it’s so great. He’s like “YEAH, NICE WORK, BUDDY. DON’T LET ME KEEP YOU!”
Dumbledore’s like “I don’t think you were REALLY trying to kill me.” And Draco’s like “OMG I was SO trying to kill you so don’t even!”
I kind of forgot about that Montague situation.
Draco is really the Joffrey Baratheon of Hogwarts.
Dumbledore’s like “Stop being such a Mary and just kill me already” and Draco’s like “I’M TOTALLY GOING TO, OKAY?”
ZING – “She said you were just going for a drink, you’d be back.” “Well, I certainly did have a drink” B6p590
A true Bro – “Why else do you think I have not confronted you before now? Because I know that you would’ve been murdered.” – Dumbledore
Dumbledore’s like “We can protect you. And your mother. Your father is a pretty big douche so he’s probably on his own. But still.”
WHAT UP, AMYCUS? WHAT UP, ALECTO? YOU TWO HAVE “ANONYMOUS HENCHMEN” WRITTEN ALL OVER YOU.
WHAT UP, FENRIR GREYBACK? YOU SEEM LIKE AN IMPOSSIBLE FUCKING DOUCHE AND I HATE YOU.
Literally everything Dumbledore is saying this chapter has been a pretty good burn. It’s inspired. He’s throwing a no-hitter.
Draco is having some, uh, performance anxiety.
Snape’s in the mix, y’all. If only Harry were visible he could make some joke at his expense!
DUMBLEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! @jk_rowling WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
BUT SERIOUSLY. COME ON. IT’S LIKE. THERE’S NO.
. @jk_rowling YOU ARE JUST DOING THIS TO BE MEAN!
CH 27: Dumbledore dies. Fuck everything.
No bottle of whiskey is safe in Austin, Texas tonight.
Seriously, you guys. I think I need to take a trip to India or something. Figure some shit out.
Everyone at work is just carrying on as if Dumbledore didn’t die last night.[divider top="1"]
I was mostly just asking as a formality. It’s definitely hustle time.
CHAPTER 28: FLIGHT OF THE PRINCE
Okay, so obviously fuck Snape, right? You don’t just murder the best character in the series without getting a big ol’ “Fuck you” from MH.
Harry’s unfrozen now. And as far as the “Stages of Grief” go he seems to be hovering around “denial” at the moment.
Fenrir was like “WHAT UP?” But Harry was like “Ain’t nobody got time for this” and uses petrificus totalus on him.
Amycus is trying to crucio Ginny and Harry’s like “ABSOLUTELY NOT SHE IS THE ONLY GIRL WHO LETS ME PUT MY MOUTH ON HER MOUTH.”
McGonagall is holding her own in the skirmish and it’s generally pretty arousing.
Ernie sees Harry bombing through the hallway and he’s like “What’s going on?” And Harry’s like “GOD DAMMIT ERNIE NOT NOW.”
OH FUCK SOME DEATH EATER JUST SET HAGRID’S HOUSE ON FIRE. NOT COOL, BRO.
Snape is just making Harry look like an ASSHOLE with how easily he is defending these curses. He’s like “This is Bush League, Potter.”
Whoa, okay, so Snape doesn’t like being called a coward. He’s acting like Harry killed his dog or something.
OH SHIT GET HIM, BUCKBEAK. FUCK HIS SHIT UP.
Snape got away, but Hagrid and Fang seem to be okay. He’s like “So what’s the charm to make my house stop being on fire LOL?”
Harry’s like “Snape killed Dumbledore” and Hagrid’s like “Bro?” And Harry’s like “For real though, dude.”
Okay, so yeah. We got confirmation that Snape is the Half-Blood Prince. Not too surprised. More like the “Half-Blood Douchebag” right guys?
I doubt JKR would spend this much time developing his character if he were just going to end up a villain. So I’m sure there’s more to it.
But for the time being, let’s just call him a douchebag.
OMG THAT’S THE WRONG LOCKET WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
R.A.B. I don’t know who you are but you are seriously throwing a wrench into this situation and I don’t appreciate it.
CH 28: Snape is revealed to be the Half-Bood Prince, the school learns of Dumbledore’s death, and the horcrux situation is fucked.[divider top="1"]
Ginny’s giving Harry the Sportcenter highlight reel of what happened during the skirmish. I’m over here like “Bill? NOT BILL, Y’ALL.”
A Death Eater died during the fight LOL!
Oh shit, Bill might have some wolf-like features? That sounds kind of dope, actually.
I guess Ron didn’t notice that #RIPDumbledore is trending on Twitter because he has no idea Dumbledore is dead.
Molly goes to kiss Bill’s mangled, bloody face and it makes me think I could never be a parent because gross.
I bet when Bill’s face ends up looking like mine after all this Fleur is going to be like “OK BYE LOL!”
Okay nvm on that Fleur thing. She’s about as upset as a French person can get that Molly thought she’d leave Bill over his wolf-face.
Emotions are running high, you guys. Fleur and Molly are bros now but Tonks and Lupin are making it weird.
Lupin’s like “I’m too old for you, too poor, and too dangerous.” And I’m like “I am basically just two of those things.”
Everyone’s getting all up in Lupin’s shit for not being with Tonks and he’s like “NOW IS NOT THE TIME, Y’ALL” and he’s pretty on point.
It didn’t occur to me that McGonagall is now the headmistress. If it’s possible, I am now even more turned on.
McGonagall is like “What were you and Dumbledore doing?” And Harry’s like “I can’t tell you. It’s Bro Code.”
They’re talking about shutting the school down. I would be scared for whoever has to break that news to Hermione.
CH 29: Bill’s face looks like the opposite of Ryan Gosling’s, Tonks and Lupin make it weird, and there’s talk shutting down Hogwarts.[divider top="1"]
I’m not saying it’s never been done before, but it’s certainly rare. #triplehustle
CHAPTER 30: THE WHITE TOMB
Everyone is pouring into town for Dumbledore’s funeral. It’s like SXSW up in Hogsmeade right now.
Apparently Bill is starting to look like Mad-Eye Moody. And that’s a pretty good burn.
That’s a little lazy but also probably on point – “Hermione leaned forward toward Harry with a most Hermioine-ish look on her face.”
EILEEN PRINCE WAS SNAPE’S MOM, Y’ALL. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jW_aWY5PubI
Seeing Crabbe and Goyle without Malfoy is kind of like seeing a hermit crab without a shell.
I can tell that JKR is attempting to humanize Draco and I am just not interested in that. I will always think he is the worst.
There’s a big list of people at the funeral and it’s basically like “Hey, remember all these characters?? They’re still a thing.”
Please tell me that Luna and Neville start making it weird. I mean, don’t tell me, obviously. But like, come on. That’d be adorable.
“It was important, Dumbledore said, to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then could evil be kept at bay.” B6p645
So I guess Centaurs honor the dead by indiscriminately firing a volley of arrows at crowds of people. Sounds normal.
Harry’s like “Ginny, I can’t be with u anymore, gurl.” And Ginny’s like “This blowz.”
Rufus is like “I know we’re at the funeral of one of the most important people in your life who you loved dearly, but I have some requests.”
When you guys were reading this, did you think about the Cave scene and how protected that (fake) horcrux was and think “Harry’s fucked?”
Bill and Fleur’s wedding is probably going to be pretty awkward considering the fact that he LITERALLY JUST BROKE UP WITH GINNY.
So Hermione and Ron are going horcrux hunting with Harry. The next book should probably be called “Harry Potter and the Third Wheel.”
THAT’S THE END OF “HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE.”
Whew. We did it, you guys. Only one more book to go.
I started this account back in April, and it never ceases to amaze me that you guys are sticking around.
I am endlessly humbled by your enthusiasm for these tweets. Thank you for being a part of this. Sorry for making it weird.
I’m going to take some time off before I start Deathly Hallows, during which I’ll be working on another project for you guys.
But in the meantime, be sure to check out the site and catch up on the old tweets if you missed them http://mugglehustle.com/
Don’t stop hustling, thuggles.