WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

Let’s see if I remember how to do this.

Now starting HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS

“The dedication of this book is split seven ways.” I C WHAT U DID THERE.

CHAPTER ONE: THE DARK LORD ASCENDING

Okay, we got Snape and some dude named Yaxley in the mix. I’m like, “Please.”

Lucius keeps peacocks on the grounds of his estate because he’s DEFINITELY secure with his manhood.

There seems to be an unconscious human hanging upside down above the table of Death Eaters. NO, YEAH, I’M SURE HE’S JUST THE TREASURER.

FUCK YOU, VOLDEMORT. I HOPE YOU GET A PAPERCUT DURING THIS MEETING.

If you imagine Voldemort’s voice sounds like Bane he’s not that scary anymore.

Snape is sitting at the “immediate right” of Voldemort. I’m not an expert in theology, but I think that might have some significance.

Voldemort’s like “OK, the corporate office is on our ass about this ‘green initiative’ so everyone needs send memos via email from now on.”

There seems to be some confusion as to when Harry is leaving his “current place of safety.” Like Harry’s not tweeting about it constantly.

Snape seems unwilling to cite his source of information. I’m like “That’s not exactly MLA format but I’ll allow it.”

OMG YAXLEY NOBODY CARES YOU ARE A HENCHMAN JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.

PROBABLY NOT, THOUGH – “That Potter lives is due more to my errors than his triumphs.” Voldemort B7p6

There seems to have been a cry from the sex dungeon below their feet. Wormtail is on it.

First the peacock and now he’s wandless? Lucius, your Y chromosome is leaving you. Hard.

Voldemort is stroking Nagini. Making it weird.

Like, so weird, you guys.

Shit, Bellatrix. Keep it in your pants. This is an official meeting.

OMG TONKS AND LUPIN ARE MARRIED. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THEY’RE REGISTERED AT?

Draco chokes on his first question from Voldemort LOL!

Voldemort’s like “Our family trees need pruning. Because SOME of our families are not engaging in enough INCEST and it SICKENS ME.”

OK, serious tweet: My heart was beating really fast there for a second because I thought the woman above the table might’ve been Minerva.

Oh shit, Burbage just got GOT.

Burbage basically got offed for writing an OP-ED piece. It will make me think twice before submitting something the @nytimes.

Oh, awesome. Now Nagini is about to feed on her in front of everyone. NORMAL STUFF. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

Voldemort’s probably like “Okay, item 2. WHAT, YOU CAN’T CONCENTRATE BECAUSE MY SNAKE IS EATING A HUMAN PERSON? I GUESS I’M THE ASSHOLE!”

CH 1: The Death Eaters have a meeting at Malfoy Abbey, the Malfoys are humiliated in front of everyone, and Burbage is snake food.

But seriously, does anyone know where Tonks and Lupin are registered? Because I saw an ADORABLE duvet at Bed Bath and Beyond last weekend.

IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK, Y’ALL. Thanks for hustling with me tonight.

As my mentor and life coach Lil Wayne would say, “Sorry 4 The Wait.”

“We accept the hustle we think we deserve.”

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CHAPTER TWO- IN MEMORIAM

Harry has a boo boo on his finger. Someone alert the Ministry.

Harry broke the mirror Sirius gave him. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

Harry hasn’t cleaned out his trunk in 6 years? And never was there more evidence of his motherlessness.

Dragon Pox sounds dope as fuck, tbh.

Is Elphias Doge a bro or a lady bro?

OMG DUMBLEDORE’S DAD SOUNDS LIKE A DICKHOLE.

I wish Adalbert Waffling had been a bigger character in this series because obviously that name is the best thing.

Wow,the Dumbledore family might as well be on the Oregon Trail because they are dropping like flies.

Okay, yeah. We have bro confirmation on Doge.

The gist of that article was “Albus Dumbledore: Dude was dope as fuck and his shit was on point.”

Harry’s regretting that he didn’t ask Dumbledore more questions about his life. And I’m like “YEAH, WE ALL KIND OF DO. GOD.”

Oh shit, Rita Skeeter wrote about Dumbledore in her Burn Book. “Dumbledore is too gay to function.”

FUCK YOU, RITA SKEETER. YOU MISERABLE COCKCHAFER.

I want to stab Rita Skeeter in the eye with her douchey quill.

CH 2: Harry cleans out his trunk but it’s probably not symbolic, we get some background on Dumbledore, and Rita is the worst.

People who don’t get off the phone when they’re interacting with cashiers are Death Eaters basically.

Why be a barfly when you can be a bar eagle?

I don’t want to sound like an asshole but, [evidence that you are an asshole].

It’s Friday, y’all. Make bad decisions, not horcruxes.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

I didn’t drink last night, so I woke up feeling like an Olympic athlete. Shit was crazy.

All right, let’s get after it.

CHAPTER THREE: THE DURSLEYS DEPARTING

It’s nice to see that Vernon has undergone zero growth as a person in 7 books.

I mean, growth of character. I’m sure his pants have had to be let out a couple times.

So Vernon thinks Harry’s lying about the danger they’re in to get the house? It’s not exactly the “Blank Check” house, you know?

“Voldemort will either torture the shit out of you or keep you prisoner so that I’d rescue you. But like, I wouldn’t, obviously.” – Harry

Dudley’s like “I think Harry might actually be on point with this.” And Vernon is like “GOD DAMMIT. Okay, fine. Whatever.”

WHAT UP, DEDALUS? WHAT UP, HESTIA? YOU’RE GONNA HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL WITH THIS DOUCHE FACTORY OF A FAMILY.

Dudley’s like “Why isn’t Harry coming with us?” And Harry’s like “Good question, Dudley. It’s because I’d rather be awake during surgery.”

DUDELY’S HEART JUST GREW THREE SIZES, Y’ALL.

Dedalus is like “Good luck. The hopes of the Wizarding world rest on your shoulders.” And Harry’s like “OKAY, COOL. NO PRESSURE, THEN.”

CH 3: Aaaaaaaand that’s a wrap on the Dursleys. Good fucking riddance.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

Got #hustleblocked last night, so tonight we’re going to do WORK.

CHAPTER FOUR: THE SEVEN POTTERS

Seven Potters? If this was book 5 that would be my worst nightmare.

I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S ‘CAUSE SHE’S AN OWL THO – “Harry lost his thoughts for a moment and Hedwig did nothing to help him retrieve it.” p44

It’s like an episode of Cribs right now. Harry’s taking Hedwig around the house like “YO AND THIS IS THE CUPBOARD WHERE I USED TO SLEEP.”

Oh shit, the Son’s of Anarchy just arrived at the house. Oh wait, it’s just Hagrid on his dope flying motorcycle. NBD.

WHAT UP, RON? WHAT UP, HERMIONE? YOU GUYS STILL IGNORING ALL THE SEXUAL TENSION? OK, COOL.

Hermione’s hair is still described as “bushy.” And it’s like, this is book 7. You’d think she’d have found some product for it by now.

This plain seems foolproof. I’m sure it will be executed to perfection and that nothing bad will happen.

Harry’s like “I can’t let you pretend to be me.” And Fred’s like “You think we LIKE pretending we’re a basic bitch all night? Girl, no.”

Fred and George are killing it, y’all. Breaking ALL the tension.

This chapter should’ve been called “The Official Roast of Harry Potter” because everyone’s getting some pretty good burns in.

Reel it in, Fred – “I’m only yanking your wand.” B7p52

Hagrid makes Harry ride in the sidecar. Making it weird.

Mr. Weasley added a speed boost to the motorcycle. He’s like “I got the idea while playing Mario Kart. Shit was dope.”

WELL THAT TOOK LIKE 6 SECONDS. FUCKING DEATH EATERS EVERYWHERE. IT’S LIKE ‘NAM OUT HERE.

Hagrid’s doing barrel rolls and shit and Harry almost loses Hedwig and his hobo satchel. Lost the firebolt, though : (

WAIT, WHAT?

YOU GODDAMN FUCKING COWARDS! NOT HEDWIG! NOT HEDWIG! SHE WAS SO FUCKING CHILL!

So Hagrid sends the Starship Enterprise into warp-speed or whatever, but now the fucking thing is falling apart like it was built in Serbia.

STAN SHUNPIKE? HOW COULD YOU, BRO?

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, VOLDEMORT’S IN THE MIX. FLYING WITHOUT A BROOM LIKE HE’S SUPERMAN.

HAGRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID NOOOOOOOOO! WHAT IS FUCKING HAPPENING?

@jk_rowling WERE YOU JUST LIKE REALLY BORED THE DAY YOU WROTE THIS CHAPTER? BECAUSE WHY?

CH 4: I can’t.

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Okay, so we’re only 5 chapters in and Deathly Hallows has already kicked my heart in the dick.

Hedwig is hooting it up in owl heaven. Hagrid is probably dead. Things aren’t looking so hot. But I guess we have to hustle on.

CHAPTER FIVE: FALLEN WARRIOR

NO, YEAH. GOOD CHAPTER TITLE. I’M SURE EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Hagrid’s okay, y’all. Nothing a little whiskey and an icepack can’t fix.

WHAT UP, TED TONKS? I LIKE THAT YOUR NAME IS ALLITERATIVE.

Harry thinks Mrs. Tonks is Bellatrix. He’s like “You look JUST like this psycho bitch murderer I know LOL!”

Oh for fuck’s sake. NOBODY is back at the Weasley house yet? Come on.

Pour me one too, Hagrid – “Haven’t go’ any brandy, have yeh, Molly?” – B7p68

Lupin and George are back THANK GOD. George looks like he got in a bar fight with a couple giants, though.

Oh shit, Lupin’s got Harry by the arm like “What’s your name and who do you work for?” WE GOT A RAT IN THE ORDER, Y’ALL.

Hagrid’s like “Why aren’t you checking me?” And Lupin’s like “LOL!”

“Listen bro, you gotta stop trying to disarm these fuckers. This isn’t a ticklefight. If you don’t want to cap them at least stun them, ok?”

George, you lost your ear. YOUR EAR. I SAID YOU LOST YOUR EAR. IT’S GONE.

Hermione and Shaq are back. Shaq looks pissed.

GODDAMMIT, SNAPE.

Even through all of this, Harry’s having trouble keeping it in his pants around Ginny. Dude needs to reel it in.

George’s “holy” joke, basically.

RON AND TONKS ARE BACK. EVERYONE JUST RELAX.

Ron stunned some guy in the face. Hermione’s like “For real, though?” and Ron’s like “OMG ALWAYS WITH THIS SHIT.”

Bill and Fleur are back. Bill’s looking cool. Fleur’s looking hot and French.

ALASTOOOOOOOOOOR! FUCK. SHIT. BALLS.

Bill’s going for the Firewhiskey. I’m not far behind him. I like that, as a group, that’s how we deal with our problems.

I think we should at least CONSIDER the possibility that Voldemort knew the plan because Harry tweeted “Peacing out early! L8er bitches!”

I don’t know why we’ve elected The Burrow as our fortress. The Death Eaters know its location and it’s structurally unsound to say the least.

Oh, hey Harry from Book 5. When did you get here?

Ollivander : (

I’m glad @jk_rowling doesn’t know any of my friends or family because they’d probably all be dead by now.

CH 5: Alastor Moody, rest in peace. I still remember seeing you for the first time the night we saved you from Barty Crouch’s sex dungeon.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE. DOPE AS FUCKNESS. Alastor Moody, we hardly knew ye.

The person who’s reheating fish in the microwave at work is my Voldemort.

It’s Friday, y’all. Text me when you get to the Hog’s Head.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

Are you ready for some #hungoverhustle or do you need a minute?

Either way, we’re coming up on a little bit of a milestone here and I need to make it weird for a second.

This is my 5000th tweet, and I just want to dedicate to you guys because I think you’re pretty great. This wouldn’t be the same without you.

Also, 5000 tweets just seems like way too many tweets and I’m sorry for blowing up your timelines with a lot of uppercase letters.

CHAPTER SIX: THE GHOUL IN PAJAMAS

Ron’s not even saying the word “horcruxes.” What a prude.

Oh, Hermione’s been doing research about the horcruxes? If you could see my face you’d be able to see the complete and utter shock.

Ron’s like “My mom wants to know what we’re up to. She’s pretty determined. Like she will for real torture the shit out of you.”

God, I wish I had a piece of information Molly wanted. I’d be like “A couple more waffles and some bacon and I’ll sing like a phoenix.”

Harry Potter and the Wedding Preparations

You guys, I’m so excited about this wedding because I’ve seen Fleur’s Pinterest boards and she has such fun taste!

BEST – “Are they getting married in my bedroom? No. So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left – ” Ron Weasley B7p92

Hermione gets upset talking about Moody’s death and the boys get up to comfort her but Ron’s like “I GOT THIS, BRO.”

Ron’s like “The amount of books you’re bringing could comfortably populate Beast’s library” and Hermione’s like “I will cut you.”

Oh, I love this – “No, Harry, YOU listen. We’re coming with you. That was decided months ago – years, really.” – Hermione B7p96

Hermione changed her parents’ names and had them move to Australia. CAN YOU DO THAT TO ME TO OR?

Ghouls sound totally normal and not at all gross or horrific.

Hermione gets her parents fake identities and passports and sends them to a beautiful place. Ron gets his parents a purple-blistered ghoul.

I can just picture Ron explaining this. “You get it? Because the Death Eaters will think I’M the ghoul! Like, WHAAAAT? Right?? Best plan.”

Oh, I forgot about this R.A.B. clusterfuck. I have this pipe dream that it’s Peeves but I’m willing to admit that it’s unlikely.

Hermione stole horcrux books out of Dumbledore’s office? THUG LIFE.

Sorry, I was just learning about horcruxes. Shit’s crazy.

THE DELACOURS ARE COMING. HIDE YO CHEESE. HIDE YO WINE.

Bro, TEACH ME -”Monsieur Delacour was nowhere near as attractive as his wife.” B7p107

Fleur’s maid of honor is eleven. That bachelorette party must’ve been OFF THE HOOK. Juice boxes? Kidz Bob? Tickets to Teletubbies on Ice??

Mrs. Weasley gets a little passive aggressive with Harry like “Because of you all these protective spells are making shit difficult LOL!”

CH 6: Everyone is stressed before the wedding, the kids prepare for their journey, and NOBODY DIED YAAAAAAY!!!

Sorry for the all the typos. I get more and more impatient as we approach the 2 hour mark.

I’m catfishing like 6 people right now tbh.

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Hey, how’s the studying going WOOPS DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT’S HUSTLE TIME LOL!

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE WILL OF ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

Harry is muttering the name “Gregorovitch” in his sleep. Ron’s like “Have you been watching tennis or something?”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HARRY! You can finally see movies with gratuitous nudity and cursing!

I don’t know, do you have to be 17 to see R-rated movies in England? Probably not because they aren’t such fucking Puritans over there.

Ron basically got Harry the Kama Sutra for his birthday. Bros gonna bro.

If I were Harry I’d be like “Thanks for giving me a book about how to seduce women. This trip with Hermione is going to be GREAT.”

OMG NOOOOOOO – “She waved her wand in a slightly random way, causing half a pack of bacon to flop out of the frying pan and onto the floor.”

Bill and Fleur gave Harry an enchanted razor like Harry’s going to use it for anything other than his pubes.

GINNY PULLED HARRY INTO HER ROOM AND NOW IT’S LIKE A RAP VIDEO UP IN HERE.

At first I was like “Bro, NICE.” But now I’m like “Girl could’ve at least hit up Sharper Image or something.”

Whoa, let’s not say things we don’t mean – “Harry was kissing her back, and it was blissful oblivion, better than firewhisky.” B7p116

(Hold up, my pizza just got here. I gotta eat this thing and then sob in the corner, holding myself for a few minutes. BRB.)

Nothing like a good pizza/shame cry. Okay, let’s continue.

Now there’s drama. Ron’s like “You’re just going to snog her and dodge her, huh?” And Harry’s like “She snogged me!” Shit’s crazy.

Also, I’m pretty sure I just made up the phrase “Snog her and dodge her” so if you want to use that expression to not get laid go ahead.

Hagrid’s drinking a “bucket-size” glass of wine like he’s my mother or something.

Mokeskin sounds pretty chill. Almost like a Moleskin except it’s not for dudes who are always trying to tell you about their screenplay.

Oh shit, Norbert the dragon is a girl? NO WONDER SHE LEFT US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

Arthur sends a patronus to tell everyone that the Minister is coming. Lupin peaces the fuck out with Tonks like he owes him money.

This is fucking stupid. Ron shouldn’t have to explain why he was in someone’s will. It’s so frustrating that the minister doesn’t watch TV.

HOLY SHIT THE DELUMINATOR SOUNDS DOPE AS FUCK OKAY THAT’S ALL NEXT TWEET.

Harry got the first Snitch that he caught and is a little disappointed. I BET IT WON’T COME UP AGAIN AT AN IMPORTANT TIME.

OH FUCK YEAH THE SWORD OF GODRIC GRYFFINDOR.

Wait, Scrimgeour isn’t going to give the sword to Harry? That’s a pretty big cocktease.

Things got a little heated with the Minister. I’m surprised Hermione didn’t kick him in the dick tbh.

“I open at the close.” – THANKS, DUMBLEDOZER. YOU REALLY CLEARED IT UP FOR US.

Ron’s heard of a book that Hermione doesn’t know about. @jk_rowling must’ve been drunk when she wrote this chapter.

CH 7: The Minister of Magic crashes Harry’s birthday like a douche and finally delivers on Dumbledore’s will, which is pretty confusing.

If she’s snifflin’, give her the Claritin D.

You’ve all been sorted into the Thuggle House. Congratulations.

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If you love something, let it hustle.

CHAPTER EIGHT: THE WEDDING

Ottery, St. Catchpole, you guys. That’s all.

Fred says that when it’s his time to get married, we can wear whatever we want to the wedding. So I will not be wearing pants.

Hagrid’s already wasted. He broke 5 chairs. This wedding is going to be dope as fuck.

WHAT UP, XENOPHILIUS LOVEGOOD? YOU ARE PROBABLY A LITTLE WEIRD BASED ON HOW YOUR DAUGHTER TURNED OUT.

Luna is hanging back, chilling with the gnomes. Because of course she is.

I imagine Xenophilius has a similar vibe to the elderly hippie in my neighborhood who rollerblades around in just a thong.

Aunt Muriel is here. One of the two women that Ron has ever snogged and dodged.

DAYUM, Hermione can get it in that lilac dress and high heels.

Sounds like Uncle Bilius stole my move – “He used to down an entire bottle of firewhiskey, then run onto the dance floor.” B7p142

OMFG VIKTOR KRUM IS HERE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Goddammit, Fleur. How could you invite Viktor Krum? YOU ARE BLOCKING YOUR FUTURE BROTHER IN-LAW’S COCK SO HARD.

This is such bullshit. Dude’s face got mangled by a werewolf and she still picks him over me.

Luna’s already like 4 martinis deep because she’s up on the dance floor just swaying around by herself. Fair play, though.

Krum’s pissed because Xenophilius has an old gang tat on his chest. WE ALL HAVE A PAST, KRUM.

Harry realizes that Gregorvitch is a wandmaker. I don’t really care yet. I’m scanning the room for the bacon-wrapped shrimp.

Aunt Muriel likes reading Rita Skeeter. That old hag needs to die already.

Muriel is saying that Dumbledore offed his sister because she was a squib. Which doesn’t seem very Dumbledore-y.

Allegations pertaining to the Dumbledore family are being thrown around all over the fucking place by the Weasley Matriarch.

HOLY SHIT – “The Ministry has fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming.” B7p159

CH 8: Krum crashes the wedding, Aunt Muriel and Doge argue about Dumbledore’s past, and all the shit is about to hit all the fans.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

CHAPTER NINE: A PLACE TO HIDE

So basically Voldemort watched “Wedding Crashers” last night. He’s like “Shit was hilarious! We’re gonna get soooooo laid. LOCK IT UP LOL!”

A bunch of crazy shit happened and now the kids are just walking down some road dressed like they’re headed to a Harry Potter themed party.

Hermione has literally everything in her purse. I think I even heard a sex dungeon rattling around in there.

I’m starting to think we shouldn’t have posted Bill and Fleur’s wedding invitation online.

Ron’s like “I feel like, exposed in the muggle world” and I’m like “RIGHT? THAT’S WHY I STAY IN MY APARTMENT AND WATCH NETFLIX ALL DAY.”

Some drunk dudes are hitting on Hermione from across the street. AS IF, D-BAGS. AS IF.

Oh shit, we got a shootout in the diner. It’s like Pulp Fiction up in here.

GODDAMMIT HARRY STOP TRYING TO STUPEFY THE SHIT EATERS THEY ARE TRYING TO MURDER YOUR FRIENDS IN THE FACE.

How many Death Eaters does Voldemort even have? Are we talking like a Storm Trooper numbers? Or is it more like The Foot Clan?

Back to Grimmauld, y’all. Nothing like the smell of stale elf heads to welcome you home.

A dust corpse just emerged from the carpet to attack the kiddos. NORMAL STUFF.

Sending a Patronus message is kind of exactly like using HeyTell.

Voldemort is using Draco as a torture tool. That’s like sending a scared, entitled douchebag to do a man’s job.

Hermione asks Harry if he needs his toothbrush. Leave it to the daughter of dentists to be worried about cavities at a time like this.

CH 9: The wedding gets crashed, the kids take on some Death Eaters at a diner, and they end up at Grimmauld. Voldemort is pissed.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES? ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD DAY Y/N?

I just have to make a PB&J real quick and then I’m ready to hustle brb.

CHAPTER TEN: KREACHER’S TALE

10 bucks says Ron and Hermione fooled around while Harry was sleeping last night.

Harry’s in Sirius’ old room for the first time. It’s mostly just Radiohead posters wall to wall.

Sirius got a toy broom for Harry’s 1st Birthday. And even though it only goes 2 feet off the ground, it’s probably pretty irresponsible.

“Just gonna let my 1 year old son fly around the house while I drink white wine and watch the Desperate Housewives of Diagon Alley.” – Lily

Harry’s trying to draw meaning from half a letter because he’s Harry Potter and he hates context.

HARRY IF WE KEEP GETTING SIDETRACKED BY YOUR PERSONAL SHIT WE ARE NEVER GOING TO DESTROY THESE HORCRUXES. REEL IT IN.

OMG R.A.B WE DONE FOUND YOU, SON.

For real, though. What’s the point of locking your door if anyone and their mother can just say “Alohomora” and it opens no problem?

The Black family motto is “Toujours Pur” which I think roughly translates to “Be a douche.”

Oh shit, we’ve already come into contact with this locket? Come on, y’all. We’re better than this.

WHAT UP, KREACHER? R U STILL THE WORST? K JUST CHECKING.

Mundungus, I’m going to tell you what my father always tells me: You are an unrelenting disappointment.

I think the rest of this chapter is going to be a LOST flashback for Regulus.

Voldemort made Kreacher test his homebrew and Kreacher’s like “I’m more of an IPA guy, myself.”

HOLY SHIT VOLDEMORT STRANDED KREACHER ON NIGHTMARE ISLAND THAT IS SOME COLD-BLOODED SHIT.

Wow, Regulus.

Ugh, Hermione’s going on about house elves again. I might go make another PB&J until she wraps up.

Harry’s like “Kreacher, I want you to find Mundungus.” And Kreacher’s like “I can do that” and then he cock his pistol.

Harry gives Kreacher Regulus’ old locket and I cannot.

CH 10: It’s getting harder to hate Kreacher.

The trick to eating Reese’s Pieces is to eat all the Reese’s Pieces.

I’m just glad the whiskey I purchase doesn’t come with enigmatic clues like “I open at the close.”

Sometimes you just gotta drink a bottle of wine and watch Chicago because you’re a guy and you want to do GUY STUFF.

It’s Friday, y’all. My inner eye is seeing two of everything.

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LET’S HUSTLE, THUGGLES.

CHAPTER ELEVEN: THE BRIBE

Bribes? Sounds like some shady shit. I’m into it.

There are a couple Death Eaters posted up outside Grimmauld like they’re first in line for some Justin Bieber tickets.

Harry’s getting impatient that Kreacher isn’t back with Mundungus within a couple hours and I’m like “JUST GIVE HIM A FUCKING MINUTE.”

WHAT UP, LUPIN? I HOPE YOU BROUGHT SOME BURGER KING OR SOMETHING BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING TO EAT.

Death Eaters are fucking everyone’s shit up trying to get to Harry and I DON’T APPRECIATE IT.

Harry is suspected of murdering Dumbledore. BRB punching a hole in my wall.

They’re rounding up Muggle-borns to be “registered” and take a “survey” and it’s making me like, really uncomfortable.

Ron’s like “Hermione, you can be in my family. NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO MARRY YOU, THOUGH. GROSS.”

Lupin is trying to butt-in on Harry’s mission from Dumbledore. GET YOUR OWN MISSION, LUPIN. GOD.

OMG TONKS IS TOTALLY KNOCKED UP. THAT BABY COULD BE REALLY WEIRD THOUGH IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

Ha, Lupin just does not give a shit about his future child. Get those “Father/Werewolf of the Year” coffee mugs ready.

Harry’s awfully invested in Lupin’s unborn child. Starting to think he might be the father.

HARRY YOU ARE CROSSING ALL KINDS OF LINES WITH REMUS RIGHT NOW AND YOU NEED TO PUMP THE BREAKS TBH.

Albus’ dad sounds like a DILF.

Kreacher’s back with Mundoucheus. LET THE BRIBING BEGIN.

Now kreacher is taking a sauce pan to Mundungus’ head because sometimes magic just isn’t the stress release you’re looking for.

Sounds like Umbridge has the locket. Ugh, I thought we were done with her.

CH 11: Harry and Lupin have a tiff, we get some insight into Voldemort’s control of the Ministry, and Mundungus says Dolores has the locket.

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“I find your lack of hustle disturbing.” – Darth Vader

WHAT UP, THUGGLES? Let’s do work.

CHAPTER 12: MAGIC IS MIGHT

I read that chapter title and I was like “Magic Mike? What?”

The kids are still on lockdown at Grimmauld. And the WiFi keeps cutting out for like no reason so everything is pretty terrible.

I love that Harry and Kreacher are bros now. I think they’re even planning a SB 2013 trip.

I must’ve read that wrong. It said that Severus Snape is the new Hogwarts Headmaster.

Let that be a lesson, kids. If someone has a job, and you want that job, just murder the fuck out of them.

I’m sorry, Hermione, but “Merlin’s Pants” is a pretty weak expletive.

Minerva is going to hold down the fort at Hogwarts. Make sure shit doesn’t get out of hand. I’ll write to her every day.

The Hogwarts Express left six hours ago and we were not on it : (

Wait, I just thought about how funny Snape’s “welcome back” speech would be. “I’m the new Headmaster. I hate all of you.” *Drops mic*

Okay, so apparently the kids are hatching some scheme to break into Ministry of Magic. No, yeah, I’m sure it’s fine.

Harry’s bounty is 10,000 Galleons. That’s a lot of firewhiskey.

Welp, Voldemort just murdered another family. I guess that’s about par for the course for him.

MAFALDA HOPKIRK JUST GOT HERMIONED, Y’ALL. Well, and sort of vice versa, but whatever.

Gross. This dude is voming all over the place. Where does he think he is? Sixth Street?

Oh shit, based on the description I think Harry just turned into Gaston?

So they’re getting to the Ministry of Magic via toilets. At least it’s not a Starbucks bathroom.

Ron has to go make it stop raining in a Death Eaters office. Which would’ve been a very confusing sentence for me a year ago.

Oh shit, Umbridge is about to get on their elevator. This is not a drill.

CH 12: The gang Ocean Elevens themselves into the Ministry of Magic by way of polyjuice potion and some toilets. Umbridge is in the mix.

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There is a marathon in Austin this morning, but some of us didn’t get out of bed until 11 and ate leftover fajitas for breakfast. Soooo.

CHAPTER 13: THE MUGGLE-BORN REGISTRATION COMMISSION

The Muggle-Born Registration Commission. Or the SS for short.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Harry/Runcorn drops Arthur Weasley’s name in a panic and I’m like “[facepalm].”

Harry, Ron and Hermione are all separated and out of their element. So as far as their plans and schemes go this one is still pretty good.

This pamphlet reads “Mudbloods and the dangers they pose to a peaceful Nazi I MEAN PUREBLOOD society.”

There is an eye above Umbridge’s office door. If playing Zelda has taught me anything, Harry’s gonna want to shoot an arrow at it.

Umbridge’s office still looks it was designed by a chemically imbalanced and lonely cat lady.

Harry’s moniker is “Undesirable Number One.” JUST LIKE WHAT MY MOM CALLS ME.

Rita Skeeter is really the Stephenie Meyer of the Wizarding World.

Mr. Weasley gets on the elevator with a transformed Ron and Harry. Ron is playing it cool (Ron is not playing it cool).

Holy shit, Arthur Weasley just put Runcorn in his place. Harry’s like “OMG I’M NOT EVEN RUNCORN”

There seems to be a pretty bad Dementor infestation in the basement of the Ministry of Magic. Harry’s like “K, BYE.”

Umbridge is wearing the locket, y’all. I think the easiest way to remove it would be to cut off her head tbh.

WTF HARRY JUST STUPEFIED UMBRIDGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS GODDAMN HEARING. THAT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST IDEA.

Well, whatever. We’re going with it. WE’VE GOT THE HORCRUX. LET’S PEACE THE FUCK OUT.

Hermione’s patronus is an otter? You think it’d be a beaver with those teeth, right? #HermioneBurn

Harry is JUST NOW starting to have misgivings that this exit “strategy” might attract unwanted attention. I’M SURE IT’S FINE, HARRY.

“Attention all muggle-borns: Y’all need to GTFO like now. Seriously, hit the bricks.” – Harry Potter

Harry throws Runcorn’s weight around to intimidate the shit out of some Ministry drones shutting down the exits and it’s pretty great.

Haha, the end of that chapter was such an amazing clusterfuck. I love it.

CH 13: The gang plays it fast and loose in the Ministry, but make their escape with the horcrux and save a few muggle-borns in the process.

I am greater than the sum of my love handles.

Yoga? No thanks. If I wanted to accidentally fart in a room full of girls I’m trying to impress I’d just go back to to middle school.

Hustle tonight? Hustle tonight.

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I need to borrow your timeline for a bit because it’s HUSTLE TIME, Y’ALL.

For real, though.

Wait, before we get started: Stop reading these tweets while you’re driving, please. That’s very unsafe. It’s okay, I’m not mad.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: THE THIEF

Okay, so they come to after peacing the fuck out of the ministry and Ron done went and got himself SPLINCHED.

Harry’s digging through Hermione’s endless purse for Essence of Dittany, gets a handful of tampons and is like “fuck it” and uses Accio.

“Unstopper it for me, Harry. My hands are shaking.” – Hermione B7p270

Hermione tweeted the password to Grimmauld so now we can’t go back there because of Death Eaters and it’s like THANKS HERMIONE.

There’s a tent in the purse. Because of course there is. You’d think they’d just camp out inside the bag at this point.

Hey Harry, check to see if there’s any BBQ in that bag too because I haven’t eaten dinner yet and I’m starving.

Let’s just give this locket horcrux to Frodo and let it be his problem for the next 200 years.

But honestly, throwing this thing into the fires of Mount Doom seems like their best option at this point.

Whoops, nothing to eat but mushrooms. Time to trip balls, y’all.

Gregorovitch looks like Santa Claus LOL!

Those ‘shrooms were pretty powerful. Harry went on a trip and saw Voldemort murder Gregorovitch.

Harry thinks he recognizes the thief. Which means @jk_rowling was probably just tired of coming up with names at this point.

I kind of feel like the thing the thief stole from Gregorovitch would be a wand since he was a wandmaker but that’s not very JKR-y.

CH 14: After some trouble with Yaxley, the gang apparates to the forest where Harry eats some ‘shrooms and goes on a vision quest.

The behind the scenes DVD commentary of that chapter is that the spine of this book is finally nice and broken and I love that feeling.

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OKAY, HUSTLE THUGS. LET’S DO THIS THING.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE GOBLIN’S REVENGE

Harry buried Moody’s eye in the ground. Because why would that eye want to see the sun rise and set over a beautiful forest every day?

Ron’s like “I don’t care where we go next as long as I can get a bacon sandwich.” And I’m like “I could kiss you on the mouth right now.”

So they disapparate to a small town but some dementors cockblock Harry’s bacon run like a couple of assholes.

I think Harry’s patronus is hungover or something.

Harry couldn’t conjure his patronus because he was wearing the horcrux. Just like no one can conjure a date when they’re wearing crocs.

Ron’s being a princess about Harry and Hermione calling Voldemort by his name. GET OVER IT, RON.

I think we might need to post a Craigslist ad or something because we don’t have any leads on the whereabouts of these horcruxes.

OH SHIT SOMEONE’S IN THE WOODS, Y’ALL.

WTF Mr. Tonks and Dean Thomas are just chillin’ in the woods together. AKA the most unlikely duo of characters I could ever think of.

Nothing like the persecution of Muggle-Borns could bring the secondary characters of the Harry Potter series together, am I right?

Ginny and Co. tried to steal the sword of Godric Gryffindor but Snape was like “LOL!”

THE SWORD IS A FAKE. SHUT IT DOWN.

WHAT UP, PHINEAS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THE SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR OR?

Phineas just called Luna “the Lovegood oddity.” And that would make a pretty dope band name if I’m being honest.

Harry wanted to Skype with Dumbledore but Phineas was total dick about it.

Looks like the sword is going to be our pimary horcrux destroyer. So much for Mordor : (

Harry and Ron are getting into a cat fight. It’s boring.

LET’S EVERYBODY JUST CALM DOWN.

Ron’s like “I’m peacing out.” And Harry’s like “Leave the horcrux. Take the cannoli.”

Ron is being such a SOURPUSS, you guys.

Ron’s gone, y’all. It did not take Harry very long to “Yoko” Ron and Hermione.

CH 15: We learn that the real sword of Gryffindor is still out there, and the Horcrux Search Party Squad loses a member.

My life is the opposite of a Drake song.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

Time for some Sunday hustle.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: GODRIC’S HOLLOW

Harry’s experiencing some remorse about his breakup with Ron. This isn’t some like, empowering Kelly Clarkson break-up shit. This hurts.

Hermione isn’t taking Ron’s absence very well either. Her Twitter is blowing up with song lyrics.

HERMIONE STOP CRYING YOURSELF TO SLEEP THAT’S SORT OF MY THING OKAY?

Harry’s just staring at Ginny on the Marauder’s Map. And it’s like, really fucking creepy.

Ginny & Tonic is stirring up all kinds of shit at Hogwarts. Snape’s got her banned from Hogsmeade. PROUD OF U, GURL.

Things are pretty awk between Harry and Hermione right now. They’re spending a lot of silent meals together, just checking their phones.

Okay, starting to connect a few dots here. The triangle symbol in Hermione’s book is same one Viktor Krum was bitching about at the wedding.

Hermione read aloud that the first golden snitch was forged in Godric’s Hollow and Harry’s ears didn’t perk up? Come on, son.

There’s a statue of Harry’s family in Godric’s Hollow. Harry’s like “OMG they’re so obsessed with me.”

What’s the point of a polyjuice potion disguise if you’re just going to CALL EACH OTHER BY YOUR ACTUAL FUCKING NAMES THE WHOLE TIME.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but coming up with a dope alias for yourself is probably the best part of a disguise in the first place.

Whatever you say, drunk Yoda – “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” B7p325

Hermione finds a particularly old grave with the triangle symbol on it marked “Ignotus.” Harry’s like “IDGAF.”

“The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.” B7p328

Whew, the end of this chapter is kind of a bummer : (

CH 16: Harry and Hermione miss Ron, they take a trip to Godric’s Hollow, and Harry finally visits the resting place of his parents.

When Harry was standing over his parents’ graves I started hoping he would kind of like, turn into Batman for the rest of the book. Just me?

The light in my bathroom went out and honestly my self-esteem couldn’t be higher.

Guys who break out their acoustic guitars during a party and cover Dave Matthews Band songs are my Voldemort.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: BATHILDA’S SECRET

Hermione thinks someone is creeping on them from the bushes. Harry’s like “It was just a fucking cat or some shit.” PROBABLY NOT, THO.

Harry’s old house is in pretty bad shape. I’m pretty sure it’s where the neighborhood youths smoke weed and do sex with each other.

Hermione’s like “HARRY THEY’RE VANDALIZING YOUR SIGN” And Harry’s like “STFU it’s chill.”

Some ancient woman is just chillin’ in the street, beckoning Harry. And he engages her because GOOD PLAN.

Okay, so far everything seems totally normal WHOOPS NOT REALLY, THOUGH.

No no no no no no no no no no no no

Harry recognizes the thief from his visions in Rita’s book and Harry’s like “WHO IS THIS, BATHILDA? WHO THE FUCK IS THIS? YOU OLD HAG.”

“Hermione, she wants me to go upstairs alone with her. Probably not to murder me so stop being weird and just let this happen.” – Harry

WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT THAT OLD BITCH IS A SNAKE, Y’ALL.

NAGINI, YOU DICK.

WHAT IS EVEN FUCKING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET A HOLD OF THIS GODDAMN SITUATION?

Okay, now all the text is italicized and nothing is making sense. I think I just stumbled into a Faulkner novel.

Oh, okay. This is the night Voldemort came, UNINVITED I MIGHT ADD, and sort of murdered Harry’s parents.

Uh, Harry’s dad is down. That took like .3 seconds.

Voldemort keeps calling Harry’s mom “girl,” which strikes me as kind of rude. Borderline inconsiderate.

Wait, so we’re just back in the tent? Eating s’mores? Like Nagini’s old lady polyjuice potion thing never happened?

Hermione’s like “WTF happened?” And Harry’s like “THE PEOPLE ARE SNAKES. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.”

NO OFFENSE, THOUGH “You’re the one who needs sleep. No offense, but you look terrible.” – Harry Potter B7p348

Harry’s wand is broken. I’m not going to make a dick joke. I’M NOT, OKAY?

CH 17: There are motherfucking snakes in the motherfucking old ladies.

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The last enemy that shall be destroyed is this hangover.

WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: THE LIFE AND LIES OF ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

I already don’t like this chapter.

Harry losing his wand is like me forgetting my chapstick at home.

Hermione is like “Sorry about your wand, bro.” And Harry’s like “Girl, don’t even worry about it.”

Dumbledozer and Grindelwald were, at the very least, tagged in the same Facebook photo together.

Rita Skeeter drugged Bathilda with truth potion because JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY.

Okay, Dumbledore and Grindelwald were basically BFF’s, but whatever. WHATEVER.

I’m sorry, but this letter is just not that damning. Dude was 18 when he wrote it. Do you know what 18 year-olds are? They are idiots.

Harry’s freaking out about a chapter full of mostly speculation. I’m going to wait until the facts come in.

I think those are T-Swift lyrics – “This isn’t love, the mess he’s left me in.” – Harry Potter B7p362

CH 18: Harry reads a chapter out of Rita Skeeter’s book and believes every word of it because he likes to frustrate me.

It’s Texas Independence Day, y’all. I gotta go make some guacamole and shoot some guns in the air.

If grilled cheese is wrong, I was just wrong two and half times for lunch.

Women who call their husbands “hubby” are my Voldemort.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

Let’s see if I remember how to do this.

CHAPTER NINETEEN: THE SILVER DOE

For those of you who don’t know, a doe is a deer. A female deer.

So they disapparate from one frozen forest to another. HAVE YOU GUYS NEVER HEARD OF THE BEACH? BRANCH OUT A LITTLE.

I think Gandalf the white might be approaching the tent or?

WHAT UP, DOE? YOU LOOK GOOD, GIRL.

Harry is having a moment with this doe. He’s looking at her the same way I look at breakfast tacos.

WHERE YOU GOING, DOE? DON’T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR FEELINGS.

No, yeah, Harry is just going to chase after the shiny thing because he’s 5 I guess.

IT’S THE SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR, Y’ALL. HOUSTON, WE HAVE A BONER.

Harry’s going into the freezing water for the sword. If there’s a woman floating on a door who says “I’ll never let go” don’t trust her.

“Where ‘chivalry’ entered into this he was not entirely sure, unless it counted as chivalrous that he was not calling for Hermione instead.”

(Sorry, I quoted that without much context but it was really funny. Read pages 368-369 if you don’t remember it.)

OMG this horecrux is being such a dick!

OMG OMG OMG RON’S BACK OMG OMG.

RON YOU SON OF A BITCH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Ron’s like “So can I come back?” And Harry’s like “Bro, YES. Hermione doesn’t get any of my Arrested Development references.”

How does Ron NOT want to smash something with a sword? That’s like all I’ve ever wanted to do.

This locket is not being very nice to Ron and I don’t appreciate it.

RON JUST STAB THIS LOCKET IN THE FACE. SERIOUSLY, DUDE.

One horcrux down. I hope the rest don’t take 19 chapters.

Harry’s like “Hermione’s had me in the friend zone since book one, bro. I thought you knew.”

Aaaaaaaand now they’re hugging. Making it weird.

Now that Ron is back Hermione is, um. She’s taking it well! She’s definitely acting like a sane person, I’ll say that.

Ron tells his story. Hermione is still not having it, you guys.

Harry’s loner wand is kind of like when you break your iPhone and have to downgrade to a flip-phone for a few weeks.

CH 19: Ron returns and helps Harry destroy the locket horcrux with the Sword of Gryffindor. Hermione ain’t got time for that.

How is SB2k13? R u at the beach? Have you met any boyz? OMG you totally have don’t lie!

For those of you who aren’t Catholic and may not know, St. Patrick is the patron saint of whiskey and yelling.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

Should we do a chapter? Y/N?

CHAPTER TWENTY: XENOPHILIUS LOVEGOOD

Hermione is still pissed at Ron because of the things. Ugh, men. RIGHT LADIES?

Okay, we’re not allowed to say “Voldemort” anymore because that shit is like, a GPS locator now. Let’s just call him V-Money.

We still don’t know whose patronus led them to the sword. It was probably Peeves, though. Callin’ it.

Harry needs to call customer service for his loaner wand because it doesn’t seem to be working properly.

Hermione wants to ask Xenophilius about this symbol that keeps popping up and shows him the Instagram she took of that old headstone.

Luna’s going to be home! I’m gonna be like “HAY GIRL!”

“Could you like, keep off the dirigible plums? Okay, cool.”

Harry’s like “Can we come in?” And Xeno’s like “Uhhh, probably not. Sorry bro.” And Harry’s like “Dude, come on.” and Xeno’s like “K FINE.”

The Lovegood house is totally normal btw.

Hermione’s getting into it with Mr. Lovegood over the horn. Making it weird.

Mr. Lovegood’s like “Could we maybe just do this over G Chat? I don’t want to get caught with you in my home.” BRAVE STUFF.

OH SHIT THE SYMBOL IS CALLED “THE DEATHLY HALLOWS” AND THAT’S TOTALLY THE NAME OF THE BOOK, Y’ALL.

CH 20: Hermione is grudgin’ on Ron, Harry’s penis I mean wand isn’t performing well and Xenophilius drops the Deathly Hallows bomb.

Go out, Muggle Hustle. You are sober.

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EVERY DAY I’M

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: THE TALE OF THE THREE BROTHERS

Right now “The Deathly Hallows” is basically a band that Harry, Ron, and Hermione haven’t heard of and Mr. Lovegood is judging them for it.

Wizards use the Hallows to reveal themselves to other believers. It’s kind of like getting a Triforce tattoo.

Hermione is going to read the story aloud. So if she does it anything like me her voice will crack and all the girls will laugh.

“There were once three brothers who were traveling along a lonely, winding road at twilight -” B7p406

Ron’s like “I think it would be spookier if it were ‘midnight.’” And Hermione is like “Ron, honestly. Nobody gives a fuck what you think.”

Death is just out there hustlin’, y’all. Just like the rest of us.

DEATH HAS AN INVISIBILITY CLOAK! I WONDER IF THAT IS IMPORTANT?

The oldest brother just got straight up fucking murdered and it was pretty awesome I’m not going to lie.

Holy shit. This story is a bummer.

It was kind of rude of Hermione not to yell “popcorn” once during that entire story. Give someone else a chance.

Elder Wand. Resurrection Stone. Cloak of Invisibility. Dope as fuck.

Mr. Lovegood just called Hermione “limited” and now I am scared for his life.

I think being a “master of Death” would really get in the way of my Netflix queue.

“I know for a fact that one of these Hallows exists but I REFUSE to believe the other two exist because that would be silly.” – Hermione

They are talking about other famous powerful wands through history and the first one that comes up is “the Deathstick” and I can’t.

Harry, for real though. You can’t go into Luna’s room uninvited. Girls get weird about that.

OH SHIT XENOPHILIUS IS A TRAITOR GTFOOOOOOO

WTF they took Luna? GOD DAMMIT THAT IS WHY YOU HIDE YO KIDS.

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS A DOPE FUCKING EXIT, HERMIONE.

CH 21: We learn about the Deathly Hallows, Xenophilius didn’t seem to learn anything from Antoine Dodson, & Hermione brings the house down.

I think the sexiest thing a woman can say is “Let’s get drunk and watch D2: The Mighty Ducks.

My life is basically the Harry Potter series just exchange “Voldemort” for “wearing pants.”

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Guys.

You guys.

If I die from this hangover, I just want you to know that my real name is Bruce Wayne.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: THE DEATHLY HALLOWS

Ron’s jeans are all torn up and it’s kind of a FASHION EMERGENCY.

They need to apparate to a J Crew or something because no. No cut-offs unless you’re a Never-Nude.

Ron’s like “Hermione, you’re a genius.” And then Harry’s like “Yeah, for real.” And I’m like, “Yeah, guys. That’s been a thing for awhile.”

SORT OF LIKE THE ENTIRE HP SERIES OR? – “‘The Tale of the Three Brothers’ is a story. A story about how humans are frightened of death.”

Harry’s making an argument for the Stone saying his parents came back in Book 4 and Hermione’s like “What, like Return of the Jedi? No.”

“Harry, I know your parents kind of came back in Book 4, but I mean, so did Tupac.” – Hermione

OMG VOLDEMORT’S POP POP WAS A DESCENDENT OF THE PEVERELLS. SCANDALOUS.

OKAY WAIT, HARRY IS A DESCENDENT OF THE PEVRELLS TOO, PROBABLY. SHIT IS CRAZY.

Voldemort doesn’t know about the Deathly Hallows LOL!

Harry’s kissing the snitch now. Go to bed, Harry. You’re making it weird.

Lee Jordan is the morning drive time DJ on 103.4 Potterwatch FM. All the hitz all the time.

Ted Tonks has been murdered. Sad-face emoticon.

HAGRID’S ON THE RUN, Y’ALL. So it’s probably more of a brisk walk, but still.

YER A DJ, FRED.

FOR FUCK’S SAKE HARRY DON’T SAY VOLDEMORT’S NAME ANYMORE HOLY SHIT IT’S NOT THAT HARD. HE’S V-MONEY NOW.

CH 22: Harry gets obsessive about the Deathly Hallows, we listen in on some Potterwatch FM, and Harry says Voldemort’s name [facepalm].

My favorite is when you guys quote a tweet and edit the swear words out. ADORABLE.

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“What you feel is what you are and what you are is hustlin’.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: MALFOY MANOR

Oh, thank God. I feel like this account has really been struggling without having the Malfoys around for me to shit on.

Okay, so when we left off a bunch of Death Eaters were crashing Harry’s camping trip which is pretty rude. They didn’t even bring s’mores.

Okay, Harry’s under some spell that his making his face swell rapidly. It’s been happening to me at a much slower pace since college.

WHAT UP, FRENIR GREYBACK? WHY DON’T YOU FUCK OFF TO ‘TWILIGHT’ SERIES AND LEAVE US ALONE?

Hermione made Harry’s face look like he’s been putting away a Dirty 30 of Keystone Light every night for the last 10 years. Unrecognizable.

LOL “Vernon Dudley.”

Penelope Clearwater? I just. I don’t know. Let’s just move on.

Well, shit. They found the sword. It’s uh, it’s not looking good.

They’re like “Wait, are you Hermione Granger?” And she’s like “ABSOLUTELY NOT WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT?” Cool as a cucumber. On fire.

Well all the rambling incoherent lies have finally collapsed on themselves and Harry has been found out. TO DOUCHE MANOR WE GO!

Ha, these Snatchers are only getting 10 galleons for mudbloods? That’s not even enough for me to put on pants.

Voldemort’s like “WHERE IS IT?” And this emaciated dude is like “Never had it LOL!”

Draco you are so bad at this OMG.

Bellatrix, Lucius, let’s act like adults. I’m sure we can ALL take credit for capturing Harry even though you did nothing whatsoever.

I’ve never as interested in anything in my entire life as Bellatrix is with this sword right now.

I’ve never been as interested in anything in my entire life as Bellatrix is with this sword right now.

Lucius is like “DON’T TALK TO DRACO LIKE THAT, BELLATRIX.” And I’m over here like “Whatever, you totally can.”

Greyback is VERY interested in eating Hermione. IT’S SO ROMANTIC.

They took Harry and Ron down to the sex dungeon : (

LUNA IS HERE. OLLIVANDER IS HERE. TRYING NOT TO FREAK OUT.

Hermione is getting tortured. STAY STRONG, GURL. WE R PROUD OF U.

WHAT UP, DOBBY? YOU BEAUTIFUL BIG-EYED BASTARD!

Harry’s like “Let’s just fucking tackle Wormtail when he comes in.” And Ron’s like “Wait, what? No yeah, whatever. I’m down.” GOOD PLAN!

Wormtail is Force-choking himself to death. Making it weird.

Bellatrix threatens to give Hermione over to Greyback and Ron’s like “NOPE” and just bombs into the room wand blazing like he’s John Wayne.

“Drop your wands. Drop them, or we’ll see exactly how filthy her blood is.” – Bellatrix B7p475

I’m soooooo sick of Harry stupefying these assholes when he should be MURDERING THEM IN THE FACE. You’re just going to stun Fenrir? REALLY?

That chandelier probably costs more than my apartment. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

UM, NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

THIS MUST BE A DRILL BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY DOBBY JUST DIED. THERE IS NO UNIVERSE WHERE THAT WOULD BE A THING.

.@jk_rowling EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

Y’all, Dobby was so chill, though.

CH 23: Dobby dies. I cannot and I will not.

Horcrocs.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

Can I borrow your timeline for a bit Y/N?

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: THE WANDMAKER

So in case you missed it, Dobby died last chapter. And ever since then my therapist has been VERY annoyed with me.

Harry wants to bury Dobby with a shovel instead of using magic. I’mma need a minute, you guys.

Bill’s like “Yeah, you can totally bury this dead elf who I had no relationship with the entire series in my garden. That’s not weird.”

Now they’re dressing him in clothes. OMG STOP.

Hermione is borrowing Fleur’s clothes like “Wearing this basic shit is worse than torture.”

“Here lies Dobby, a chill bro.”

If you took out all the mentions of Harry’s scar prickling this book would only be like 64 pages, probably.

Ginny is stuck at Aunt Muriel’s now. She’s like “Is there any room available in the Malfoy sex dungeon? Because no.”

Bill’s like “WTF, bro?” And Harry’s like “Bill, let’s play the quiet game.”

OH FUCK YES WE’RE BREAKING INTO GRINGOTTS, Y’ALL. SEND AN OWL TO DANNY OCEAN YA BISH.

Help us, Griphook. You’re our only Goblin I mean hope.

Ollivander is uh, well he’s not looking great. It could be the torture and captivity though.

Harry’s like “Can you like, fix this?” And Ollivander’s like “Nope.” And Harry’s like “WHY DID WE EVEN SAVE YOU THEN? GOD.”

Ha, Draco lost his wand like a DIPSHIT *Ignores the fact that Harry’s lost his wand at least two times, one of which was in this very book*

Ollivander is freaked out by how much Harry knows about all this wand business. He’s like “Have you been reading my Tumblr?”

It’s kind of crazy how much better the name “Elder Wand” is in comparison to #deathstick and “Wand of Destiny.”

Wait, Dumbledozer had the Elder Wand? I COULD HAVE BEEN MAKING DEATHSTICK JOKES THIS WHOLE TIME?

Well, I guess we can add “grave robbing” to V-Money’s already pretty staggering criminal record.

CH 24: Harry buries Dobby which isn’t even that sad seriously I didn’t tear-up, he interrogates Ollivander, and Voldemort is Deathstickin’.

The behind the scenes DVD commentary of that chapter is that “Griphook” sounds like something Batman would keep on his person.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: SHELL COTTAGE

So if you recall, V-Money has the Elder Wand. Ron was like “Bro?” but Harry was like “It’s whatever, dude.”

This all could’ve been avoided if DUMBLEDORE WOULD JUST LEAVE A REGULAR NOTE LIKE A PERSON.

Ron’s like “What if Dumbledore’s not really dead??” And Hermione’s like “Ugh.” And Ron’s like “HERE ARE THE FACTS.” and they aren’t facts.

GRIPHOOK’S IN, Y’ALL. LET’S BE BAD GUYS.

Silly, goblin! The Sword is for Gryffindors!

“I’ll help you build your house, but as a reward I would like to own the house.” – Griphook, basically.

Hermione needs to stop being a stick in the mud so we can double-cross the fuck out of this goblin. Because that would be so dope.

Harry is feeling weird about the fact that Godric may have probably stolen that sword a long time ago. Wizard guilt.

Harry is about to lie to Griphook like Griphook is his girlfriend and asking him how his night was.

Making it weird – “Griphook had eyes for nobody but Harry.” – B7p308

Hermione is crushing Luna’s Crumple-Horned Snorkack dreams. BECAUSE DEMOLISHING HER CHILDHOOD HOME WASN’T ENOUGH I GUESS.

Lupin and Tonks had a (probably weird) boy! Mazel tov!

Bill is like “Goblin’s are totally normal about promises and ownership so whatever you’re planning I’m sure it’s fine.”

CH 25: Griphook is shady about the Sword of Gryffindor, the bank heist moves into the planning stages, and Harry’s going to be a Godfather.

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Should we hustle or are you too hungover? WHOOPS IDGAF WE’RE HUSTLING DEAL WITH IT.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: (FUCKING) GRINGOTTS (, Y’ALL)

Sorry, I’m just pretty excited about this chapter. It’s like Harry Potter and the James Gang.

I want them to just ride in on horses and bust in with six-shooters, spurs a-janglin’. BUT I DIGRESS.

Hermione’s being a princess about using Trixy’s wand. And we’re all like “Girl, get over it.”

So it’s the day before the heist and they still don’t know how they’re going to ditch Griphook. I’M SURE IT’S FINE. PLANS ARE OVERRATED.

Hermione is giving Ron the opposite of a makeover for his disguise and now I don’t have any eyecandy and it’s the worst.

The innkeeper’s like “Madam Lestrange” and Hermione’s like “Good morning!” and Harry’s like “You have to like, be a bigger bitch than that.”

Diagon Alley isn’t doing so great, you guys. THANKS, OBAMA.

Some dude missing an eye just fucking comes after Hermione and Ron’s like “PROBABLY NOT, THOUGH” and knocks him out. Holy shit.

Anytime the kids are using polyjuice potion and have to talk to people my life just turns into a giant facepalm.

Next time you forget your ID and you’re trying to get into a bar just show them your wand and you should be good.

“IMPERIO ALL THE THINGS!” – Harry Potter

Oh shit, I think we just stumbled into a level of Donkey Kong Country?

Phrasing! – “They were deeper than Harry had ever penetrated within Gringotts.” B7p534

The Thief’s Downfall? GOD DAMMIT THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T GO CHASING WATERFALLS.

Usually it’s just a metaphor, but this plan has quite literally derailed.

HOLY SHIT THERE IS A FUCKING DRAGON STRAIGHT CHILLIN’ DOWN HERE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

This dragon, you guys :(

This is like the film “How To Train Your Dragon” if the film “How To Train Your Dragon” was depressing as shit.

This curse where things in the vault become more things when you touch them is really making it difficult to steal things and it’s annoying.

Whoa, let’s keep it PG, Harry – “‘Get it!’ Harry yelled, fighting the pain of the hot metal on his skin.” -B7p540

Oh, please tell me we are peacing out with this dope dragon.

The dragon is like “Fuck this noise, I’m headed to Game of Thrones where my talents will be APPRECIATED.”

HARRY STORMBORN OF THE HOUSE POTTER.

CH 26: Their Gringott’s heist goes about as well as all their other plots and schemes.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

Are you day drunk? OMG ME TOO!

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: THE FINAL HIDING PLACE

Okay, so like, we escaped on the dragon. And that was fucking sick. But everyone’s like “Okay, now what?”

Ron’s cursing to himself. Hermione is sobbing. I’m over here like “YOU’RE ON A FUCKING DRAGON, BE COOL.”

They decide to just jump off the dragon when it gets close enough to the water. Which is how 3 of my last 5 dates have ended.

Ron’s like “So we got a new horcrux, but we don’t have the sword.” and Harry’s like “OH, IS THAT OUR SITUATION? THANKS FOR THE UPDATE.”

V-Money is uh, not happy about this vault situation. If this room full of murdered goblins is any indication.

Voldemort is acting like a teenage girl about his horcruxes right now. “OMG they haven’t texted me in days. R they ok?”

Okay, so Voldemort knows Harry is on point with this horcrux situation. TIME TO GET YOUR COMEUPPANCE YOU BALD BITCH.

Aaaaaand now the kids are going to try to sneak into Hogwarts. No, yeah, I’m sure everything will go fine. No snags in that plan.

CH 27: The kids get a 7.5 on their dismount from the dragon, and Harry is in Voldemort’s head now. Which is pretty fucking satisfying.

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“I think therefore I hustle.”- René Descartes

How are finals going, you guys? Do you need a hustle break?

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: THE MISSING MIRROR

Okay, so they apparate to Hogsmeade and now some Death Eaters are like “MARCO?”

Dementors everywhere, y’all. This is when I pretend to get a text and peace out.

Someone’s like “Harry, in here.” and Harry’s like “Fuck it, whatever,” and just goes in without hesitation.

OH SHIT, WE’RE IN THE HOG’S HEAD. POUR SOME FIREWHISKEY AND LET’S GET WEIRD.

I either forgot or don’t know who the barman at the Hog’s Head is, but he is dope. As. Fuck.

OH SHIT. WHAT UP, ABERFORTH?

Harry’s like “Hogwarts, though.” And Aberforth’s like “Don’t be stupid.” And Harry’s like “NO THANKS LOL!”

Aberforth is like “Albus is dead. So you don’t have to like, run errands for him and shit.”

“My name is Aberforth Dumbledore and I’m about to ruin your day with some information regarding my brother.”

Look, any shady information about Dumbledore is just going to make him seem that much more interesting to me. So IDGAF.

I’m going to get some more wine. Does anyone need anything while I’m in the kitchen?

Shit’s getting heavy, y’all. My wine keeps disapparating.

“I’m going to keep going until I succeed – or I die. Don’t think I don’t know how this might end. I’ve known it for years.” – Harry B7p569

OMG WHAT UP, NEVILLE? YOU GOOFY BASTARD.

CH 28: Aberforth saves the kids from some Death Eaters, and holds his grudge like it’s a bottle of firewhiskey.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

Before we get started, has anyone seen my dignity? I think I may have left it at the Taco Cabana drive-thru at 2:27 last night, but I dunno.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: THE LOST DIADEM

Neville is like “OH SHIT, WHAT UP, SON?”

Wait, is Neville a badass now? I DIDN’T GET THE MEMO, YOU GUYS.

Neville’s like “So did you guys really break into Gringotts and shit? That’s all anyone is tweeting about.” And Harry’s like “YEAH, BOI.”

The Carrows sound like a couple of b-holes if I’m being honest.

They make the students practice the Cruciatus Curse on kids who have detention. So Hogwarts is basically just a Catholic school now.

Ha, they went after Neville’s gram but that old bag was like “LOL!” and peaced out.

WHAT UP, ROOM OF REQUIREMENT? WE ARE TOTALLY IN YOU RIGHT NOW.

This place is dope as fuck right now. They got hammocks hanging from the ceiling, a flat-screen with an X-Box, AND a fondue station.

Seamus is like “Neville is basically the fucking man now. And we got Game of Thrones on Blu-Ray so this shit is pretty tight.”

Harry has a Voldemort vision right in the middle of the room when people are trying to talk to him. RUDE.

Harry’s like “Yeah, we just need to do some shit real quick and then we’re out.” And Neville’s like “WTF, bro. You can’t just like, leave?”

It gets a little weird between Neville and Harry but then Luna busts in and everyone’s like “HAY, GIRL.”

Neville’s getting me so pumped up right now, I just want to punch someone in the face. WATCH OUT, PEOPLE WHO SAY “HUMPDAY.”

Oh great, now Ginny is here. LIKE WE NEED MORE DISTRACTIONS.

Cho Chang is here. I guess they’re calling up the B-squad.

Finally Ron and Hermione are like “But dude, why CAN’T they help?” And I’m over here like “Right? Thank you!”

LOL Ginny gets jealous that Cho is going to show Harry what the diadem looks like and makes Luna take him instead. DRAMA, Y’ALL.

RAVENCLAWS HAVE TO ANSWER A TRIVIA QUESTION TO GET INTO THEIR COMMON ROOM THAT IS SO DOPE.

Alecto Carrow just texted Voldemort like “Potter is at Hgwrts. What do u want me 2 do with him, V-Money?”

CH 29: Neville has successfully emerged from his awkward cocoon to be a pretty dope butterfly, and people start showing up for a fight.

The book is almost over, you guys :(

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Wait, this is still a thing? THIS IS STILL A THING.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON HUSTLE, Y’ALL. For real, though.

CHAPTER THIRTY – THE SACKING OF SEVERUS SNAPE

Okay, so in case you forgot, Harry was just walking through the castle because of course he was and then Alecto Carrow was like “WHAT UP?”

Alecto uses the Dark Mark and Harry’s like “Hey, could you not?” And then Luna fucking comes out of nowhere like a bad bitch and stuns her.

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL. Omgsh, all the feelings are flooding back.

Minerva is putting Amycus in his place so hard right now, holy shit.

Amycus is like “Wait, we’ll just blame the students. Okay, perfect.” And Minerva’s like “I DON’T THINK SO, BITCH LOL!”

HOLY FUCKING SHIT AMYCUS JUST SPAT IN MINERVA’S FACE. THERE IS NO CORNER OF THE EARTH HE COULD HIDE THAT I WOULD NOT FIND HIM.

Fuck yes. Harry is crucio-ing the shit out of him now. MAKE HIM PAY THE IRON PRICE, HARRY.

She’s wearing her tartan dressing gown still. Just like back when we were a thing <3

Hogwarts is about to enter a state of siege, y'all. I JUST WANT TO FIGHT SO BADLY.

McGonagall texts the other heads of houses like "Shit's about to go down. Bring your wands. Bring the whiskey."

WHAT UP, SNAPE? NOTHING TO SEE HERE!

Snape is being all Snapey.

Wow, like a million things happened in 2 paragraphs, and Snape just peaced the fuck out like a snapehole.

Harry's like "Flitwick, do you know where this diadem shit is? If you tell me I'll give you my Netflix password."

Minerva's like "You can stay or you can go, Slughorn. But if you join with Voldemort I'mma straight up murder you. Cool?"

McGonagall just asked for Peeves. MY TWO FAVORITE CHARACTERS, YOU GUYS.

Minerva just summoned an army of statues. After they fuck the Death Eaters up she's going to send them after that pesky Link.

Mrs. Weasley's like "Ginny, dude, you have to go home." And Ginny's like "OMG AS IF!"

PERCY, YOU SON OF A BITCH. I KNEW THERE WAS A PART OF YOU THAT WASN'T A TOTAL DOUCHE.

I guess Ron and Hermione are totally doing it in a bathroom or something. IDK.

Voldemort's here like "I came here to drink firewhiskey and murder you until you're dead. And we're almost out of firewhiskey."

CH 30: McGonagall shows up and starts running shit like a boss, and there's going to be a fucking battle soon omg.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR BATTLE LIVER BECAUSE WE’RE ABOUT TO GET INTO SOME SHIT. FOR REAL.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: THE BATTLE OF HOGWARTS (OMG OMG OMG!)

Okay, so McGonagall is still running point on this thing. It’s really doing it for me if I’m being honest.

Ernie is like “What if we want to like, stay and fight?” And McGonagall is like “If you are of age, IDGAF.”

Apparently if you fight in the Battle of Hogwarts and you’re underage, Chris Hansen is going to pop out with a camera crew.

Some Slytherin trick is like “Where’s Snape, though?” and McGonagall is like “To use a phrase, he’s done a bunk” and I’m like “Huh?”

Voldemort like, gets on PA system at school like “Y’all, if you just give me Harry Potter, I’ll peace out. This doesn’t have to be a thing.”

OH FUCK YOU, PANSY PARKINSON. SERIOUSLY.

Ron and Hermione are still fooling around in the broom closet or whatever. GREAT TIMING, YOU GUYS.

They have to come up with an elaborate battle strategy in 30 minutes? It takes me longer to decide what I’m going to watch on Netflix.

Minerva’s like “Potter, aren’t you supposed to be looking for something?” and he’s like “OH SHIT, YUP LOL!” And she’s like “Idiot.”

Harry’s trying to text the Gray Lady. GET THOSE DIGITZ, SON.

There’s totally a kinky ghost love triangle going on at Hogwarts that none of us knew about until book 7. #cheated

WHAT UP, HAGRID? YOU READY HULK OUT?

Neville’s like “We’re gonna throw some mandrakes at them because we couldn’t find any Twilight audiobooks to play over the speakers.”

Aberforth is like “We should’ve kept some of those little Slytherin shits as hostages.” And it’s pretty on point.

Ron and Hermione were collecting Basilisk fangs. Which I GUESS is more productive than fooling around the bathroom but not by much.

Ron’s like “So what’s new with you?” AS IF THERE ISN’T A FUCKING BATTLE GOING ON OUTSIDE.

Neville’s grandmother is one bad old bitch.

OH, OKAY. SO YOU DECIDE TO WAIT TO KISS EACH OTHER WHEN THERE’S A FUCKING BATTLE GOING ON OUTSIDE. SURE.

Unbelievable.

Could we please keep it in our pants until the end of this chapter? That’d be wonderful. I’m looking at you, Ronald.

If in doubt, check the Room of Requirement.

God dammit, Draco just showed up. HE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE.

OH SHIT. Crabbe just turned on Draco like he’s the 8th shot of tequila.

CRABBE YOU DONE MESSED UP, SON. YOU DO NOT TRY TO AVADA KEDAVRA HERMIONE OR I WILL AVADA KEDAVRA YOUR STUPID FACE UNTIL IT’S NOT A FACE.

Oh great. Now this whole fucking place is on fire. I liked Crabbe and Goyle better when they were voiceless henchmen.

They go back to save Draco and Goyle and my neighbors two doors down could probably hear me screaming “LEAVE THEM! OMG LEAVE THEM!”

Crabbe died LOL!

Fiendfyre, much like the Wu-Tang, ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

NAGINI WE’RE COMING FOR YOU, YOU LENGTHY SLUT.

Um, what?

WHAT EVEN??

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! PLEASE WAKE UP!!!!!!

This isn’t real. My book must have a defect or something.

I just. No.

CH 31: This chapter should’ve been called “Don’t read this chapter unless you want to be clinically depressed for the next six months.”

My dad could beat up your dad.

“Was I ever more than an HBO GO password to you?”

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ONCE MORE UNTO THE BREACH, DEAR THUGGLES, ONCE MORE.

Look, I don’t want to make it weird, but could someone come hold my hand while I read this chapter? Okay, cool.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: THE ELDER WAND

OMG Percy isn’t leaving Fred’s side. I can’t and I don’t want to.

WHOEVER THREW THAT FRAG GRENADE INTO THE CASTLE OR WHATEVER IS AN ASSHOLE.

Great, now there’s a giant and not at all terrifying spider in the mix. PERFECT.

Things are getting kind of heavy. Normally this is where Fred would ease the tension :(

Lucius sends a text to Snape like “Where r u? V-Money needs u 4 something.”

Voldemort just checked-in at the Shrieking Shack on 4square.

McGonagall just sent a stampede of desks at the Death Eaters because she just re-watched the Lion King and got a few ideas.

Peeves, we are bros, but now isn’t the best time for your tomfoolery.

God dammit Draco is trying so hard to be not alive anymore and WE KEEP SAVING HIM FOR SOME STUPID REASON.

Whoa, Hipster Prof just broke a crystal ball over Frenrir Greyback’s head like he just admitted to not loving Daft Punk.

The nightmare spiders are just gonna borrow Hagrid for a minute. I’m sure it’s fine.

GIANT FIGHT LOL!

Henceforth, a group of “100 Dementors” will be known as a Douche of Dementors. Tell your friends.

Anyway, a Douche of Dementors just showed up and Harry’s having performance issues again.

Hermione keeps screaming “COME ON, HARRY” and Harry’s like “OMG THAT IS NOT HELPFUL BUT THANK YOU.”

They just got the Boss Key and are heading for the Shrieking Shack.

Voldemort is like “This iWand isn’t working.” And Snape’s like “Have you updated the software in awhile? That’s usually what gets me.”

SNAPE’S DOWN, Y’ALL. I DON’T THINK THIS IS A DRILL.

Snape left him a memory. WHAT EVEN.
CH 32: The battle rages on, Hagrid’s status is unknown, Voldemort murders Snape, who gives Harry a memory in his final moments.

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Fuck it, #doublehustle.

Sorry for the intermission. All I had in my stomach was whiskey and feels.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE: THE PRINCE’S TALE

Voldemort’s like “Look, I’m a reasonable guy. I’ll give you a guys an hour to collect yourselves, and after that I’m going to murder you.”

Remus and Tonks are dead??? @jk_rowling WERE YOU NOT LOVED AS A CHILD?

THAT WOULD BE NICE, WOULDN’T IT? – “He yearned not to feel.” B7p662

Okay, we’re in the Netflix memory thing.

Snape is being Snapey in the bushes. Making it weird.

“YER A WITCH, LILY.” – Snape

Snape should maybe scale back the amount of times he mentions watching Lily.

PETUNIA YOU RUIN EVERYTHING. GOD.

Snape only subtweets about Lily.

*Reads two pages* “GASP!” *Reads two pages* “GASP!”

“Listen Snape, I don’t want to make things awkward between us, but I need you to kill me.” – Dumbledore

HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT.

NOTHING EVEN MAKES SENSE ANYMORE.

CH 33: Whew.

It’s Friday, thuggles. There’s probably not a horcrux at the bottom of that whiskey bottle, but there’s only one way to be sure.

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OKAY, Y’ALL. I’M BACK ON MY GRIND. LET’S HUSTLE.

It should be stated that I’m currently in denial about finishing the book. Like, it’s not happening. IT’S NOT.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR: THE FOREST AGAIN

Harry’s like “Oh shit, I have to die?” And I’m just over here like “SUCKS LOL!”

I still think Dumbledore is the man. Just saying.

Colin Creevey had to go and DIE and give me the SADS.

Harry sneaks up on Neville like an asshole like “WHAT UP, NEVILLE?” And Neville’s like “Bro, I almost just shit myself. Real talk.”

Neville is replacing Harry in the hunt for horcruxes. Neville was almost The Chosen One. IT’S PROBABLY JUST A COINCIDENCE, THOUGH.

“We’re all going to keep fighting, Harry. You know that?” – Neville fucking Longbottom B7p696

+ Resurrection Stone

OMG OMG JAMES, LILY, SIRIUS, AND LUPIN HOLOGRAMS JUST SHOWED UP.

Where’s Tupac, though?

Harry’s apologizing to Lupin because he’ll never get to meet his son and I just can’t and I need you to be okay with that, thuggles.

There’s some sort of Death Eater music festival happening in the woods or something idk.

THESE D-BAGS HAVE HAGRID. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

HARRY’S DOWN, Y’ALL. HARRY’S DOWN.

CH 34: Harry resigns himself to die for the cause, seeks out V-Money after a quick chat with his loved ones, and then uh, dies, maybe.

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WHAT UP, THUGGLES?

I need to borrow your timelines for a minute because it’s HUSTLE TIME, Y’ALL.

Wait, before we start. Everyone is day drinking, right? I can give you a minute to get set up or?

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE: KING’S CROSS

Put some clothes on, Harry. GOD. This isn’t Woodstock.

I’m not sure where Harry is at the moment, but the picture at the beginning of the chapter leads me to believe that he’s incredibly high.

R u in heaven, Harry?

Harry thought about some clothes and they appeared. If he thinks about a beautiful woman and some whiskey, he should be set.

This weird, gross baby creature seems totally normal. CARRY ON, HARRY. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

WHAT UP, DUMBLEDORE? I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND I DON’T CARE IF THAT’S WEIRD.

Okay, I have an update on the status of Harry’s deadness. It seems like he’s kind of mostly not dead! Good work, everyone!

YER A HORCRUX, HARRY.

Harry’s like “So you knew all along?” And Dumbledore’s like “Yeah, bro. Well, mostly.”

“Whew, feels good to get this shit out in the open. Okay, wanna play some Madden?” – Dumbledore

Whoa.

CH 35: That was like, really fucking educational.

ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT, THUGGLES OMG.

Let’s meet here tomorrow night and finish this thing, yeah?

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You ready?

I’m mimosa drunk right now, but I get the feeling I’m gonna have to switch to the hard stuff in a minute.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX: THE FLAW IN THE PLAN

I recognize like all of you who are tweeting at me right now and I just want to say thank you for being a part of this. For real, though.

So Harry wakes up from his hangover and all the Douche Eaters are freaking out over something idk.

Voldemort’s on the ground like “NO, IT’S FINE. IT’S FINE. I TRIPPED. IT’S WHATEVER.”

Okay, some woman is feeling Harry up. Making it weird.

Narcissa, I don’t want to make this a thing, but Harry’s totally alive right now. So. I don’t know, just saying.

Voldemort is crucio-ing Harry when (he thinks) he’s already dead and it’s kind of a dick move if I’m being honest. Like, don’t.

Voldemort is making Hagrid carry Harry back to the castle because sure. WHOOPS, NOT REALLY THOUGH. HE IS A TOTAL B-HOLE.

Hagird yells “BANE!” and I’m like “WHERE? OMG.”

Voldemort’s like “OKAY, LISTEN. HARRY POTTER ISN’T A THING ANYMORE. IF YOU COME KNEEL BEFORE ME, I’MMA LET THIS SHIT SLIDE.”

McGonagall sees Harry (not really) dead and I can’t.

NOW HERMIONE, RON, AND GINNY SEE HARRY DEAD AND I DEFINITELY CAN’T AND I DON’T WANT TO AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, OKAY?

NEVILLE! DON’T! I LOVE YOU!

“There will be no more Sorting Hat, because I am the worst.” – Voldemort

V-Money set the $orting Hat on fire! OMG I H8 HIM.

WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

HOLY FUCKING SHIT NEVILLE JUST MURDERED THE FUCK OUT OF NAGINI THAT WAS DOPE AS FUCK.

Literally everyone is fighting and I just want to get in there. I mean, I work out sometimes. Okay, not really. But still.

Bellatrix is dueling with Hermione, Ginny, and Luna. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little turned on right now.

GET IT, MOLLY.

MOLLY JUST MURDERED BELLATRIX IN THE FACE AND IT FEELS SO GOOD.

Harry’s like “EVERYONE CHILL THE FUCK OUT. I GOT THIS.” And Voldemort’s like “Whatever, bro.”

Harry calls Voldemort “Riddle” and I’m over here like that monkey emoji with his hands over his face.

Voldemort and Harry are getting in a fight in front of everyone and it’s super awkward.

“Severus Snape wasn’t yours.”- Harry Potter B7p740

Harry is just dropping all kinds of knowledge on V-Money right now. Giving him the behind-the-scenes DVD commentary version of the story.

DRACO MALFOY? GROSS.

Like, how has no one murdered him yet? For being dumb and the worst.

DING DONG VOLDEMORT IS DEAD.

OMG OMG OMG.

Everyone is trying to “touch the Boy Who Lived” and it’s weird, you guys.

Luna is like “You wanna bounce? Because I can be weird and distracting for a minute?” And Harry’s like “Yeah, bitch.”

WHAT UP, PEEVES? I’M GLAD YOU’RE IN THE LAST CHAPTER, BRO.

HARRY YOU DONE FIXED YOUR WAND.

HARRY YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOT HAD ENOUGH TROUBLE FOR ONE LIFETIME. GET IT IN MORE TROUBLE. GET IN ALL THE TROUBLE.

That’s, like, basically the end. Holy shit.

CH 36: Voldemort isn’t a thing anymore.

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Epilogue? Okay. #DoubleHustle

NINETEEN YEARS LATER

Harry has three kids? SUCKS BRO LOL!

I think I just stumbled into some Harry Potter fan fiction.

And that’s the end of HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS.

It’s over. It’s done. We did it, you guys.

And now his hustle is ended.

I just. I don’t know.

Thanks for sticking with me, you guys. I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me.

I’m probably going to write you a proper love letter on the blog, and we’ll talk about what happens next for this account, but right now…

Right now, we drink. Thanks for the hustle, thuggles.

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