Okay, so yeah. I’m going to read Harry Potter 1-7 for the first time and share my thoughts and reactions here.

If you want you can join me and relive your first experiences with the series.

Okay, got my set of books from Amazon. Here we go.

CHAPTER ONE: THE BOY WHO LIVED

Well as it stands now, this book should be called “Mr. Dursley and the Dursley’s Dursley.”

Wow, what a great thing to say to make me hate a character – “He didn’t approve of imagination.” B1p5

SOMETHING tells me this cat isn’t really a cat. But I’ll keep you posted.

Oh shit, Dumbledore!

“Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard.” B1p8

Pretty excited that these books were published before all this mess with the Oxford Comma started fucking shit up.

Okay, it turns out the cat was actually the Dowager Countess.

(Maybe just get used to me making Downton Abbey references because it’s definitely going to be a thing.)

But for real though, the cat was Professor McGonagall.

McGonagall is straight up flirting with Dumbledore. Dude’s just shaking it off like it’s whatever.

All this time I thought his name was Aldus.

WHAT UP, HAGRID?

“If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it.” B1p14

10 years later and Dudley has turned into quite the little asshole.

Not very protagonist-y, but I’ll allow it – “Harry had a thin face, knobbley knees, black hair, and bring green eyes.” B1p20

Ha, the Dursley’s are the worst things.

I guess they don’t have Child Services in England.

This Brazillian boa constrictor knows what’s up.

Dudley’s gang sounds PRETTY menacing.

Oh shit, someone just tweeted at @cupboardunderstairs!

ROOM UPGRADE AWWW YEAH

This is the song Vernon is humming when he boards up the cracks in the doors. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZMHJX4b9bU

I’ve never been to a hotel you can only get to by boat, but it sounds dope.

For people who are generally pretty disgusted by Harry, the Dursleys are pretty determined not to let him leave.

So Hagrid is the groundskeeper? Interesting that he’s not Scottish…

Actually, he totally might be Scottish. I’m not great at discerning the dialects of Britain in text form.

“I can, you know, do math and stuff.” – Harry Potter B1p49

HARRY YER A WIZARD

Dumbledore is in the “Order of Merlin?” Interesting those two worlds connect, but it totally ruins a joke I was going to use later.

Can’t believe Voldemort killed Harry’s parents on Halloween. That’s some cold-blooded shit.

“Never mess with goblins, Harry. Gringotts is the safest place in the world fer anything yeh want ter keep safe – ‘cept maybe Hogwarts.” B1p63

I can’t believe all the names Rowling had to conjure to create this world. Sometimes it feels like she was just looking around the room.

If there was a bookstore and a record store on either side, I don’t think I would’ve seen The Leaky Cauldron either. But I’m just a Muggle.

Doris Crockford needs to keep it in her pants. Dude’s like 10.

Remember guys, three up and two across.

“Welcome to Diagon Alley.” B1p71

The verse engraved on the door to the goblin bank is pretty sick.

Oh shit, what’s in vault seven hundred and thirteen? You know what, don’t tell me.

Well yeah, with a name like that – “Imagine being in Hufflepuff, I think I’d leave, wouldn’t you?” B1p77

This kid getting fitted for robes with Harry is quite the douche. What a waste of a good camaraderie opp too! Bonding over a robe fitting.

Rowling says quidditch is like “soccer in the muggle world.” That must be an edit for the American version.

Five Knuts for a scoop of beetle eyes? That seems a little steep, you guys.

Don’t tell anyone, but I think J.K. Rowling sort of overuses ellipses.

“The very dust and silence in here seemed to tingle with some secret magic.” B1p82

I think I’d want my wand to be made of phoenix feathers, but I’m old school.

Thus concludes Chapter 5 “Diagon Alley.”

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CHAPTER 6: THE JOURNEY FROM PLATFORM NINE AND THREE-QUARTERS

Oh, Harry had to go back to live with the Dursleys after all that Diagon Alley stuff? Awkward.

WHAT UP, RON?

WHAT UP, NEVILLE?

I don’t know what a prefect is, but it sounds boring.

Fred and George. They’re pretty great.

“I think Mum’s got a second cousin who’s an accountant, but we never talk about him.” – Ron Weasley

That probably has less to do with him being a muggle and more to do with him being an accountant, Ron.

So wizard photographs are basically just .gifs. That’s what you’re telling me?

WHAT UP, HERMIONE?

“I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks.” – Harry Potter B1p109. Ice cold, Harry. Love it.

Also, I love that this series was published by Scholastic. Just the feel and smell of the books are bringing back memories.

AWWW YEAH. Knockin’ on the door at Hogwarts. We got about 200 pages to get into some shit.

Okay, about to get sorted.

But if I get sorted into Hufflepuff, so help me.

“Harry had never even imagined such a strange and splendid place. It was lit by thousands of candles which were floating in midair.” B1p116

Haha, Fred told Ron he’d have to wrestle a troll.

But seriously kids, troll wrestling is not a joke. It’s serious business.

Relax, Harry. If Neville can get sorted into Gryffindor, I think you got a shot.

Made the mistake of reading this chapter on an empty stomach. All the food that just magically appears is giving me some bad ideas.

And by that I mean I’ll probably hit up some Burger King or something.

Rowling always describes Slytherin in the worst ways. It’s cool that the antagonists are all a part of the same institution as the protagonists.

WHAT UP, SNAPE?

I’m going to go ahead and assume that all the places Dumbledore is telling them not to go are exactly where they will end up going.

Ugh, Percy. Shut up about being a prefect.

“Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here.” – Albus Dumbledore B1p128

Remember, if you want to sneak girls into your dorm later, the password is “Caput Draconis.”

CHAPTER 8: THE POTIONS MASTER

Peeves the Poltergeist wouldn’t last too long in a more traditional school system, what with all the conk grabbing and what have you.

STOP GRABBING MY CONK, PEEVES.

“There was a lot more to magic, as Harry quickly found out, than waving your wand and saying a few funny words.” B1p133

Changing furniture into ANIMALS? This class sounds legit.

What gives, Snape?

Wow, that was a very uplifting introduction to potions, Snape. I’m sure everyone is pumped.

Hermione, put your hand down! He’s obviously just trying to make a point.

“Another Weasley, eh? I spent half me life chasin’ yer twin brothers away from the forest.” – Hagrid B1p140

Ha, a “Gringotts spokesgoblin.’ That made me laugh out loud.

I’m going to be honest with you. Rock cake does not sound very appetizing.

What I mostly got from that chapter is that Snape needs to get laid. He seems a bit high strung, you know?

Madam HOOCH. What up, girl?

Oh, Neville. What are we gonna do with you son?

No, Wood is not the name of the cane she’s going to hit you with, Harry, but that’s a pretty hilarious thought to have in the moment.

So what’s the difference between a ghost and a poltergeist? Peeves is bein’ all “Peevy” again.

Wow, you were introduced 10 seconds ago and you’re already making it weird – “He’s just the build for a seeker, too.” – Oliver Wood B1p151

Jeeze, give him a second to respond Malfoy – Wands only-no contact. What’s the matter? Never heard of a wizard’s duel before?” B1p153

JUST LET THEM DUEL, HERMIONE!

Did any of you see the movies and realize you’d been pronouncing her name incorrectly?

So Hermione nosed her way into the duel and now Neville is tagging along too. MIGHT AS WELL JUST INVITE EVERYONE, GUYS.

This three-headed puppy doesn’t sound so bad.

Alright nerds I’m back

CHAPTER 10: HALLOWEEN

No shit, Ron. “It’s either really valuable or really dangerous.” B1p163

TRUTH – “Hermione was now refusing to speak to Harry and ron, but she was such a bossy know-it-all that they saw this as an added bonus.”

AWWW YEAH NIMBUS TWO THOUSAND

So Wood knows what golf is, but not basketball. That’s very British of him.

Wingardium Leviosa

Remember guys, you really gotta elongate that middle syllable. Wing-gaaar-dium.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I’d want “thousands of live bats” around my food just for effect.

Oh shit, troll in the dungeon! Turban Prof fainted.

Ha, Ron’s blaming Peeves. I’m really coming around on Peeves. Dude gets me.

I think we should at least CONSIDER the possibility that the troll was in the bathroom because he had to take a dump. That’s all I’m saying.

“NO! TROLLS HAVE TO POOP OUTSIDE!” – Harry Potter, probably.

Finally Hermione does something likeable. Taking one from the team. She’s their bro now.

But for real though, 5 points for taking down a troll is not enough. The Dowager Countess was being a little stingy with the points.

What’s with all this crazy shit happening to Harry on Halloween? Dude probably just wants to nom on some of those tiny candy bars.

That’s the end of CHAPTER TEN: HALLOWEEN

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CHAPTER  11: QUIDDITCH

Before I get into it I will say this: the scoring in quidditch seems a bit arbitrary. If the snitch is 150 points and the quaffle is like 10.

I would just send more bodies at the snitch. Lock that thing down. But I’m no quidditch strategist, just a muggle.

Honestly, I wasn’t really sure where this was going – “Snape and Filch were inside, alone. Snape was holding his robes above his knees.” B1p182

But don’t worry, nothing scandalous. It turns out Snape had been bitten by the three-headed Labrador.

They got to the bottom of Snape’s “troll diversion” scheme PRETTY quick. Looks like SOMEONE’S been sneaking some Hardy Boys into Hogwarts.

“What an excellent Chaser that girl is, and rather attractive too.” – Lee Jordan

HARRY GET CONTROL OF YOUR BROOM YOU’RE SCARING ME.

That, and those Cheez-Its I dropped in my kitchen the other day – “Can’t nothing interfere with a broomstick except powerful dark margic.”

Who the shit is Nicolas Flamel?? You know what, don’t tell me.

Ron and his brothers are staying at Hogwarts over Christmas break? Can I stay too?

Draco, shut the fuck up. Seriously.

I feel like the Great Hall during Christmastime looks exactly like Downton Abbey during Christmastime.

Hagrid, if you would just TELL us who Nicolas Flamel is, I’m sure it would save all of us about 10 to 25 pages.

“What they really needed was a nice long search without Madam Prince breathing down their necks.” – I wonder if THAT’S going to play out.

Ha, Hermione’s parents are both dentists? SO MUCH STUFF IS STARTING TO MAKE SENSE NOW.

Talking chess pieces? Now I’ve heard everything.

Oh shit. Ron, tell your mom I want a Weasley sweater too.

Is it bad that I’d take the Weasley sweater over the invisibility cloak?

That’s bad, right?

No, but seriously. You can’t give a 10 year old boy an invisibility cloak or the book would be called “Harry Potter and the Girls’ Showers.”

Harry, if you want to find out who Nicolas Flamel is, just Google that shit.

Not much point in wearing an invisibility cloak if you’re going to carry a LAMP around.

“Harry was looking at his family for the first time in his life.” B1p209

I wonder what Dumbledore sees when he looks in this mirror. Probably the hundreds of witches he’s slept with.

SOCKS?

Whatever Dumbledore’s sexual orientation, this brings something up we should address: No spoilers, please!

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Snape is refereeing the match against Hufflepuff?

That seems like a bit of a conflict of interest.

OH SHIT. The answer to this “Flammel” clusterfuck was on the back of Dumbledore’s baseball card this whole time!

“Nicolas Flammel is the only known maker of the Sorcerer’s Stone.” B1p219

Malfoy is a broken record. It’s always “no money” this and “no family” that. He should trade his two goons for some comedy writers.

I don’t want to belittle the House Cup or anything, bit it’s only between 4 teams right? It’s not like it’s the Champion’s League.

Okay, Snape and Turban Prof are having a pow-wow in the woods. Turban Prof is making it weird.

No one seems to have faith in Turban Prof.

So I took my first hard, long look at the cover of this book tonight. And there’s a fucking unicorn on it.

And my thought process was something like, “Did I completely space out on a unicorn plot point?”

Because I’d like to think that my reading comprehension is AT LEAST on par with a 5th grader.

But I got over that and came to the realization that we’re probably going to get into some unicorn shit a little later.

Hopefully it’s something like “And then Harry shoved the unicorn’s horn up Draco’s ass, and it was magical.”

But back to the story, kids.

Obviously Ron hasn’t seen the popular film “How To Train Your Dragon” – “You can’t tame dragons, it’s dangerous.” B1p230

To be honest, I haven’t seen it either, but I heard it was dope.

I think Hagrid has been reading a little too much Game of Thrones.

Haha, brilliant – “Hagrid, you live in a wooden house.” B1p233

I swear to God, Draco. If you ruin this dragon thing for me, I’m just going to lose it.

I don’t get it. What’s unusual about that? – “There were empty brandy bottles and chicken feathers all over the floor.” B1p236

I would really call this plan ‘bulletproof,’ Charlie – “Could you get the Ridgeback up to the tallest tower at midnight on Saturday?”

You know what, it’s fine. I’m not going to try to bring logic into a discussion about smuggling dragons out of the country.

Yeah, this dragon plan is just falling to pieces. Like that time I tried to play Jenga in the car.

Why is this dragon drinking so much brandy? It’s like he’s the Earl of Grantham or something.

I don’t want to spoil anything for you, but there’s probably going to be some shit going down with a unicorn.

If not, the cover of the book is just straight up pandering.

So despite his best efforts, Malfoy was unable to completely fuck everything up that chapter. That makes the bourbon taste even sweeter.

So the hotel I’m at doesn’t have free wi-fi, and I’m not paying for that shit.

So maybe just mentally prepare yourselves for some spelling and punctuation errors.

I honestly don’t remember who filch is. If someone wants to remind me I would appreciate it.

I really don’t feel sorry for our heroes getting caught. THEY FORGOT THE FUCKING INVISIBILITY CLOAK.

It’s not a fucking Ed Hardy shit. It made you invisible. You didn’t even know that kind of technology existed until 6 months ago.

For real though, it’s not that bad – “I’m disgusted. Four students out of be in one night! I’ve never heard of such a thing.” B1p243

Haha, SOMETHING tells me you’ll find a way – “150 points lost. How could they ever make up for this?” B1p244

But seriously, this point system is so arbitrary. +5 for taking down a bathroom troll and -50 FOR BEING OUT OF BED.

Ron wants to poke around. Harry keeps saying no and making it weird.

Detention at 11pm in the forest they were explicitly forbidden to enter on day 1 at school. I’m sure it’s fine. Nothing to see here.

NEVILLE! Reel it in, son!

Filch is the bro with the cat, right?

YOU GUYS, I GOT TO THE UNICORN.

The second unicorn in a WEEK? That’s like 150% of the unicorn population.

“No, yeah, just shoot some sparks or whatever if you see the thing that butchered the unicorn.” – Hagrid, probably.

WHAT UP, RONAN?

We get it, Ronan. Mars is bright tonight. DID YOU SEE WHO’S BEEN MURDERING THE UNICORNS OR NOT?

Oh for fuck’s sake. Now this second centaur is going on about mars.

If a third centaur shows up out of fucking nowhere and starts mumbling about Mars, I’m going to lose my shit.

Oh shit. Red sparks!

I’m guessing everything is probably fine and Neville just fucked up because he’s Neville.

Wow, I wasn’t THAT wrong about that.

Okay, I hate to do this but I have to finish this chapter a little later. But I mean, you probably know what happens.

So let’s not make this a thing.

What up, nerds? You still awake?

We got some bro in a hood drinking unicorn’s blood. Everyone is afraid for some reason.

Centaurs never answer your fucking questions and I gotta be honest, it’s wearing on me.

The punch line I’ve always been looking for – “You have a human on your back! Have you no shame?”

It’s monstrous to kill a unicorn. And it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.

Like that time I tried to buy “male enhancement” pills – “Professor McGonagall says that’s a very imprecise brand of magic.” B1p260

Okay, so Harry’s got his invisibility Ed Hardy shirt back. That’s the end of CHAPTER 15: THE FORBIDDEN FOREST

Goodnight, Muggles. Stay outta trouble.

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WHAT UP, NERDS?

Sorry about the hiatus.

My muggle brother got married this weekend. And it’s like, congratulations or whatever, but I’m trying to get some HP going, you know?

I guess what I’m trying to say is THREE MORE CHAPTERS. Let’s get into some shit.

CHAPTER 16: THROUGH THE TRAPDOOR

The quills for the exams are bewitched with an anti-cheating spell? I wish I could have similarly bewitched my BITCH EX-GIRLFRIEND.

Wait, is that a thing? – “The Weasley twins and Lee Jordan were tickling the tentacles of a giant squid.” B1p263

Harry’s scar keeps hurting. I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure it’s definitely not foreshadowing.

Sick Neville burn, Ron – “Neville will play quidditch for England before Hagrid let’s Dumbledore down.” B1p264

Harry’s “dragon egg” conspiracy is just blowing my mind right now. It’s like I’m watching an episode of the Mentalist or whatever the fuck.

So basically Hagrid almost got date-raped at the Hog’s Head and spilled the beans about the three-headed Dalmatian.

You guys, Dumbledore isn’t even at Hogwarts anymore! He left ten minutes ago!

Dumbledore’s gonna just show up to the Ministry of Magic like “WHAT UP?” and look like a total asshole.

Pleasure as always, Snape – “Any more nighttime wanderings and I will personally make sure you are expelled. Good day to you.” B1p269

Whatever, Snape. You don’t have hiring/firing power.

Oh shit, that sounds kinda dope, though – “He’ll flatten it, or turn it into a school for the Dark Arts!” B1p270

You guys, Harry is NOT going over to the Dark Side. Because he’s seen Revenge of the Sith. And, Yikes.

No offense, Hermione, but I don’t think any of the enchantments Dumbledore used on the stone would be in your notes.

NEVILLE, JUST GO BACK TO BED. THE ADULTS ARE TALKING.

Snape used a harp to get by the dog. He must have caught the matinee of “Orpheus and Eurydice” at Royal Albert Hall and got some ideas.

In my head, this is the song Harry plays when he’s trying to get by the dog. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-w-58hQ9dLk

OH FUCK THIS PLANT THEY LANDED ON.

“Oh, I’m so glad we know what it’s called, that’s a great help.” – Ron Weasley B1p277

So the birds turned out to be flying keys. Honest mistake.

I think Ron’s going to take point on the giant chess pieces thing.

RON DON’T SACRIFICE YOURSELF, YOU MAGNIFICENT SON OF A BITCH.

So Hermione solved the Bob Dylan song on the parchment by the bottles of wine, so they can totally get through the fire now.

So we’re all just cool with the fact that there’s wine on campus? We’re just going to let that slide?

“There was already someone there – but it wasn’t Snape. It wasn’t even Voldemort.” B1p287

I mean, it’s probably Peeves.

Based on the amount of RTs, I guess we all sort of felt the same way about Ron taking one for the team on the giant chessboard.

When I get home tonight, I’m going to finish the shit out of this book. ONE CHAPTER LEFT.

CHAPTER 17: THE MAN WITH TWO FACES

Holy shit, it was Turban Prof??

TURBAN PROF WTF???

Ugh, and now he’s being all confident and collected like a goddamn Bond villain.

SNAPE?? Bro, I’m sorry.

I just feel like the whole world is a lie. That’s all I’m saying. And I’m literally like half a page into this chapter.

Nothing really takes the luster out of your villain speech like a 10 year old boy telling you that he heard you “sobbing” a few days ago.

“There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it.” – Quirrell B1p291

Oh shit, Turban Prof has Voldemort on the back of his head?

Unwrapping the turban is admittedly more dramatic than, say, taking off a top hat or something. Which is probably how I would’ve written it.

Voldemort is doing his best to make this shit PERSONAL.

I’m going to be honest, not really sure how the stone ended up in Harry’s pocket. But I’m guessing that’s going to be revealed in a bit.

Harry’s skin burned Turban Prof’s hands. And Turban Prof is like “WTF, bro?” And Harry’s like “Dude I have no idea. But fuck you.”

Whew, ok. So we’re in the infirmary or whatever. I think Harry blacked out from too much wine earlier. But whateves. Dumbledore is back.

“What happened between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so naturally, the whole school knows.” – Dumbledore B1p296

Man, Dumbledore! Dude is wise.

I could really quote everything he’s saying in this infirmary speech to Harry, so maybe just go back and read it.

Ha, Dumbledore is just like “For fuck’s sake, harry. You’re killing me with all these questions. Let’s just bro down for a minute.”

“To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.” – B1p299

Which I think is how we all felt when we saw Tupac’s hologram.

Harry is crying during their bro chat. Making it weird.

Harry’s father saved Snape’s life, so naturally Snape is like “I’m going to be a complete dick to you for forever.”

Sweet humblebrag, Albus – “It was one of my more brilliant ideas, and between you and me, that’s saying something.”

I guess that wasn’t even a humblebrag. That was just a regular brag.

Wait, WTF? Slytherin still won the House Cup? That is BULLSHIT.

Even with one of their alumni in the school trying to murder 10 year olds.

Hagrid’s like “It’s all my fault! I got drunk and posted a Facebook status about how to get past Fluffy!”

Man, I don’t even have any jokes about Hagrid’s gift to Harry. That was a real decent thing to do.

Okay, I’m not going to do all this math in my head, but I’m guessing Gryffindor wins the House Cup.

OH FUCK YES. GET IT, NEVILLE.

And just to reiterate how arbitrary this point system is: Harry +60 for foiling the Dark Lord. Neville +10 FOR JUST FUCKING LAYING THERE.

Haha, probably not though – “It seems as though life would be back to normal next year or as normal as it ever was at Hogwarts.” B1p307

And off with the miserable fucking Dursleys you go!

THAT’S THE END OF BOOK 1: HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE

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