For real though, have you guys seen how big Goblet of Fire is?? It has the density of a dying star.
NOW ACCEPTING INTERN APPLICATIONS. Responsibilities: Hold this giant fucking book for me while I read. It’s unpaid, and there’s no talking.
Now starting HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
Some of you weren’t with us yet when we were finishing up HP2. So for those of you who maybe forgot, Voldemort used to be Tom Riddle.
And let me be emphatic when I say FUCK YOU, TOM RIDDLE. AND YOUR FUCKING MY LITTLE PONY DIARY OR WHATEVER.
So Voldemort’s parents were kind of douches too, huh?
Something tells me Frank Bryce maybe didn’t have much to do with this triple homicide.
“Yeah, I dunno what to tell you. Apart from being dead as fuck, these bodies are totally ship-shape.” -The medical examiner
Oh shit, were the Riddles petrified? WAS IT THE FUCKING ROOSTER SNAKE?
Ugh, some fucking teenagers are messing with Frank in his old age. Probably some douchey Twilight fans AM I RIGHT?
So this isn’t some typical flaming bag of shit scheme. I think Lord Voldemort is the one who is pranking Frank.
WHAT UP, WORMTAIL? GO FUCK YOURSELF
He wants Wormtail to…milk Nagini? God I hope she’s okay with that.
Frank’s like “The Spinach World Cup?”
Wormtail is like “Bro, Voldemort, you know IDGAF about Harry. Fuck that guy. But we could totally use someone else. I honestly don’t care.”
Now V is like “You’re trying to abandon me aren’t you? I’M SORRY I’M SUCH A BURDEN” and Wormtail is like “Girl you know that’s not true.”
Voldemort is like “I’M HIDEOUS DON’T LOOK AT ME” and Wormtail is like “Where you going, bb? You know it’s not even like that.”
Okay, who is Nagini and why is she getting milked so frequently?
Bertha Jorkins is totally fucked, probably.
Wormtail is being a real Mary about murdering all these people and Voldemort is just like “Seriously, bro? That’s our thing.”
Oh fuck, a giant snake is in the mix now.
Wait, Wormtail is milking a SNAKE? IS THAT EVEN A THING?
“According to Nagini, there is an old muggle standing right outside this room, listening to every word we say.” – Voldemort B4p13
Goodbye, Frank. We barely knew ye.
CH 1: Frank the Gardner got offed, and Nagini’s getting milked like all the time. So much milk, you guys.
Two murders in the first chapter! THAT’S how you start a book. No waiting for this “third act” shit.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 2: THE SCAR
So Harry wakes up like “There’s a disturbance in the Force.”
At first I thought it was maybe a weird sex dream about McGonagall but I don’t think that’s where JKR was taking it.
Okay, so Harry could see what was going on at Voldemort’s crib in his dream but then he saw Voldemort’s fucking hideous face and woke up.
Hasn’t Harry been reading “Flying with the Cannons” since like book one? He must be a slow reader.
Aaaaand we’re getting into the recap chapter. Great. WHO EVEN JUST PICKS UP BOOK 4 OF A SERIES WITHOUT READING THE FIRST 3?
Ha, Harry is picturing Dumbledore decked out in his wizard shit on a beach somewhere with coeds and some beers and it’s pretty chill.
Personally, I’d love to bro down with the Dumbledozer on a beach. Play a little sand volleyball. Build a sandcastle together. Sounds dope.
Harry needs to chill the fuck out about his scar hurting. Sometimes I wake up and all kinds of shit is hurting. Just pop some Advil, son.
Sirius has been sending “large, brightly colored tropical birds” instead of owls?? Sounds like Sirius is the one who’s chillin’ on a beach.
Harry sent Sirius a text that’s just like “WHAT UP? Do u know y my scar would b hurting?”
Why doesn’t Harry just check his symptoms on WebMD?
CH 2: The last three books are summed up in a few paragraphs, and Harry’s scar is hurting so he emails Sirius about it.
I GOT YOU HARRY. DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT. http://t.co/OSvwIExr
One more chapter? All right, one more chapter.[divider top="1"]
So the nurse at Dudley’s school is like “Aside from being stupid and a pretty big asshole, Dudley’s also morbidly obese. GREAT PARENTING.”
“Dudley had reached roughly the size and weight of a young killer whale.” B4p27
Oh nice, Harry is smuggling food in like a drug dealer. But Hermione sent him sugar free snacks and he’s like ‘WTF IS THIS SHIT?”
4 cakes for his birthday? That is just way too much cake, Harry. The next book’s gonna be called “Harry Potter and the Terrible Treadmill.”
Vernon got an email from Mrs. Weasley and he’s like “WTF is this shit? Is this spam?”
<3 molly=”" weasley=”" br=”"> I WORRY ABOUT THAT LIKE ALL THE TIME, MOLLY – “P.S. I do hope we’ve put enough stamps on.” – Molly Weasley B4p30
“Yeah, no, it’s fine, but you should just tell whoever sent this to fucking cool it on the stamps.” – That mailman, probably.
VERNON YOU BETTER WATCH HOW YOU TALK ABOUT THE WEASLEYS IN FRONT OF ME OR SHIT’S GONNA TAKE A TURN FOR THE WORSE.
Harry’s like “Fine, I don’t have to go. I just hope my Uncle Sirius doesn’t come over and turn Dudley into some delicious bacon.”
Harry’s like “OMG that breakfast was amazing. I’m so full” and Dudley’s like “OH FUCK YOU, BRO. SERIOUSLY.”
Ron’s adorable little owl is in the mix.
Pig is “twittering loudly” in Harry’s room. YEAH BUT ARE YOU USING CAPSLOCK, PIG?
So Ron sent Harry a text like “We’re coming 2 get u, bro. No matter wut.” and Harry’s like “Chill bro, they said I could go.”
Ha, now Harry is just shoving fistfulls of celebratory cake in his face like “THIS IS GOING STRAIGHT TO MY THIGHS BUT I DON’T EVEN CARE.”
CH 3: Dudley is trying to be less people, Harry gets to go to the World Cup, and Ron has trouble naming his owl.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 4: THE BURROW
Vernon is getting real hung up on what kind of clothes the Weasleys will be wearing and Harry’s like “WHATEVER YOU SAY, ANNA WINTOUR.”
Dudley’s like “For real though. No butt stuff this time, bro.”
I don’t know why this is turning into a big thing. When people came to pick me up from my house they just honked and I went outside.
WE MISS YOU, BB – “They didn’t have a car anymore; the old Ford Anglia they once owned was currently running wild in the Forbidden Forest.”
The Weasleys just show up in the fucking chimney like “WHAT UP, DURSLEYS? THAT’S A DOPE CHIMNEY YOU GOT THERE.”
“It’s just that we didn’t expect your fucking chimney to be blocked. I’ll make sure to fix that shit before we peace the fuck out.” – Arthur
Wow, it is awkward as fuck in this living room right now.
Everyone’s probably thinking that Dudley has to take a massive dumper because he just keeps holding his ass.
Oh shit, Mr. Weasley is like “Your nephew just said goodbye to you and you’re standing there like an asshole. The fuck is wrong with you?”
You guys, I think for real Mr. Dursley is going to have an aneurism in like 10 seconds. I’ll keep you posted.
Do you think the Engorgement Charm works on, uh, other parts of the body? Asking for a friend.
Harry jumps into the fireplace, leaving the Dursley shitstorm behind him.
CH 4: The Weasleys destroy the Dursley’s living room. Dudley’s tongue is enormous and gross. Vernon doesn’t have an aneurism.[divider top="1"]
WHAT UP, BILL? WHAT UP, CHARLIE?
“Bill was – there was no other word for it – COOL.” – B4p52
BILL SOUNDS DOPE AS FUCK. I want some dragon hide boots.
Mr. Weasley is pretty upset about this tongue enhancement thing. Everyone else is like “Bro, chill. ”
Oh shit, you guys. Mrs. Weasley is on the scene, and she’s sniffing out this tongue caper like a pro.
Hot – “The one with very bushy brown hair and rather large front teeth, was Harry and Ron’s friend, Hermione Granger.” – B4p54
Mrs. Weasley wants Fred and George to work at the Ministry. They want to open a joke shop. PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT UP, PERCY? Douchin’ it up in your room as always. As you were.
If Ron’s owl keeps “twittering madly” it’s going to hit the daily limit and he’ll be jailed as fuck.
Ha, Ron’s about to bring up Sirius and Hermione is like “BRO!” and Ron’s like “shit LOL.” and Ginny is like “WTF?”
Mrs. Weasley seems like she could use a back massage. And I’m just the man for the job.
Bill and Charlie are dueling with furniture and it’s dope as fuck, but then Percy has to go and shit in everyone’s apple pie.
I wanna tell Arthur and Percy that Bertha Jorkins has likely been brutally murdered BUT IT DOESN’T SEEM LIKE APPROPRIATE DINNER DISCUSSION.
Ha, the countries that are supposedly doing well in the Quidditch World Cup would not be doing well in the regular World Cup.
Percy’s like “If I miss work for 5 days, my inbox will be filled with shit” and Fred and George are like “LITERALLY.”
CH 5: Mrs. Weasley is not amused by the tongue thing. Bill and Charlie are pretty chill, and there’s a Weasley feast.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 6: THE PORTKEY
OMG YOU GUYS. Arthur’s muggle clothes sound like a FASHION EMERGENCY.
Ugh. Bill, Charlie, and Percy are apparating so they can sleep in longer. And the rest of us are like “Oh fuck those guys.”
Me, everyday – “Hermione and Ginny came into the kitchen, both looking pale and drowsy.” B4p67
So “Accio” is like when you’re playing Mortal Kombat and you’re Scorpion and he’s all like “GET OVER HERE.”
It’s actually a little frustrating that Mrs. Weasley doesn’t appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit of Fred And George.
Harry’s like “So WTF is a portkey anyway?” and Arthur’s like “Oh, you know, like garbage basically.” And Harry’s like “Bro?”
WHAT UP, AMOS?
Ugh, Amos is Cedric Diggory’s dad? Why don’t those two just go be handsome somewhere else and not ruin this for me.
Ha, okay never mind. Amos is all right. He’s like “We had to get up at 2 because THIS little bitch can’t apparate yet. But whateves.”
Amos is like “MERLIN’S PUBES. This guy is Harry fucking Potter? Nice, bro.”
Okay, never mind. Fuck you, Amos. Talking shit about Harry falling off his broom and you weren’t even there. YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE, MAN.
OH WTF – “Harry felt as though a hook just behind his navel had been suddenly jerked irresistibly forward.” B4p73
CH 6: We learned the dangers of apparating, Cedric’s dad is kind of a douche, and Harry’s navel hook is tingling, I guess.
We seem to have an unusually large following in Mississippi. WHAT UP, OXFORD?
I should win an award for how quickly I can take my pants off when I get home from work.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 7: Bagman and Crouch
And just for the record, at first glance I thought that said “Batman and Crouch,” so admittedly I’m a little let down.
But we’ll get through that.
It’s like a fucking model U.N. up in here – “The man wore a tweed suit with thigh-length galoshes; his colleague, a kilt and a poncho.” p75
Wait, there’s a muggle taking their money and assigning their tent? What is this, fucking Bonnaroo?
Arthur just pulls out his gangster roll and he’s like “HARRY I DON’T EVEN” and the muggle is like “Bro WTF? Everyone is having this problem”
Ha, the muggle’s like “Some fucking guy is walking around in a kilt and a poncho” and I’m over here like HOLY SHIT THAT SOUNDS FUCKING DOPE.
So some guy shows up with “plus-fours” on, but I didn’t know what they were so I had to google it, but now I’m like “YES, ABSOLUTELY.”
I’m not much of an outdoors-man myself, but camping with wizards sounds like it would be pretty chill.
Arthur’s like “LET’S PUT THESE TENTS UP BY HAND” and Harry’s like “[facepalm]”
Harry and Hermione look at each other like “I hope they get splinched when they try to apparate over here ’cause there’s not enough room.”
OH NICE. This tent just turned into some dope fucking VIP lounge. Fred and George are like “BOTTLE SERVICE, Y’ALL.”
Ron’s like “Bro, we don’t need wood. We have an oven” and Arthur’s all “I JUST WANT TO LIGHT SOME SHIT ON FIRE, BRO.”
Oh, that’s a good point. Harry is just realizing that he’d never thought about wizards in other countries. Are there any American wizards?
Or do we just have sparkly vampires?
Now some wizard toddler is making a slug the size of salami and I’m over here like WHERE IS THE GODDAMN WIZARD ADULT SUPERVISION? GROSS.
Oh gawd. Now they stepped on this giant kielbasa of a slug. I can’t.
Ha, all the Irish fans are probably fucking shithoused already. CAR BOMBS FOR BREAKFAST.
SEAMUS FINNIGAN! You lace-curtain Irish bastard.
So the Bulgarians all have posters of Viktor Krum on their tents, which is a little weak, but Ron’s like “Nah, dude. He’s legit.”
Now some Ministry bro is trying to get this dope fucking old-timer into some muggle pants. LEAVE HIM ALONE. HE’S SET IN HIS WIZARD WAYS.
I sort of think it’d be easier to just lock the muggles up in that cabin for the duration and just obliviate that shit when it’s all over.
Archie the old-timer just wants a little air on his balls. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t have some breezy balls, you guys.
Ha, Harry see’s Cho Chang and spazzes out. Now he’s got water all down the front of his paints. Smooth operator.
Bode and Croaker? Department of MYSTERIES? That’s gotta come back later, right? That’s got “Harry and the Gang” written all over it.
Arthur’s like “LUDO. THE BAG-MAN. Thanks for hooking this shit up.” And Ludo’s plays it cool like “Bro, don’t even worry about it.”
Ludo just loses his shit over the fake wand like “OMG I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHIT.” And the stick up Percy’s ass goes just a little deeper.
Ugh, you sound like C-3PO – “Mr. Crouch? He speaks over two hundred languages! Mermish and Gobbledegook and Troll.” – Percy Weasley B4p89
And Fred’s like “I bet we could check the stalls in the Men’s Restroom right now and you’d hear 4 or 5 people speaking Troll.”
WHAT UP, BARTY? That suit looks dope.
Arthur has an embargo on magic carpets? But it’s a whole new world, Arthur! RECONSIDER.
Magic carpets are the family sedans of the wizarding world. And the preferred transportation of street rats.
Bagman and Crouch keep alluding to something but they won’t say what it is. I’m like “Give it a couple chapters, guys.”
Ron’s like “They’re called Omnioculars. Basically, if you’re watching Mad Men or something, and you have to piss, you can rewind that shit.”
Aww, Harry just bought Ron some omnioculars like “You won’t be getting anything from me for Christmas. NOT LOL.”
Okay, there’s a gong and some lanterns and shit, but whatever. QUIDDITCH.
CH 7: Arthur’s tents are like a couple of penthouse suites, the anti-muggle security is pretty lax, and we met Bagman and Crouch.
If I could be any two characters in Harry Potter, I would be Peeves and Peeves’ understudy.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 8: THE QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP
When Muggles get near the stadium, they suddenly remember urgent appointments. Like when I run into someone I have zero interest in talking to.
So these “prime” seats are like at the fucking top of the stadium, but I guess it’s all relative when flying is literally part of the sport.
WHAT UP, DOBBY??
Oh, woops. If I had read the next sentence I would’ve realized it’s not, in fact, Dobby. Just another house elf.
WHAT UP, WINKY? YOU LOOK GOOD, GIRL.
Okay, wow. Winky is a huge fucking downer.
Ugh, the fucking Malfoys just showed up. And Draco’s mother is here this time. I’m sure she’s just a peach.
Lucius, for real though. You look at Hermione like that again and I’m going to rip your eyes out and donate them to science.
The Bulgarian mascots are are just like, sexy women dancing. NICE.
I guess they are sirens or some shit because Harry’s like “I’ma get a closer view” and basically almost commits suicide.
Okay now we got leprechauns just fucking dropping gold all over the place. INVEST THAT SHIT, YOU GUYS.
Literally every single player on the Bulgarian teams sounds like a Bond villain.
And let’s just be honest. They’re BASICALLY Russian, right? I mean, right?
Harry’s being a real n00b with these omnioculars. HOW EMBARRASSING.
KRUM JUST PLOUGHED LYNCH! He just PLOUGHED him, you guys.
I think we need to get rid of these veelas while the match is going. Now the ref is over there flexing and he’s all “You like?”
Aaaaaand the veelas just turned into fire-throwing bird dragons. CHARMING.
Krum just took one in the face and is bleeding everywhere. But then he gets the snitch. And it’s pretty metal.
OH SHIT YEAH. Time for Fred and George to get PAID. They’re gonna buy alllllll the fart bombs, or whatever.
CH 8: We got veelas and leprechauns, Krum got the snitch but Ireland wins. Fred and George make some sweet bank.[divider top="1"]
Yeah, let’s do one more. That chapter didn’t really move the plot forward.
I’m going to grab an adult beverage real quick. Hold up.
CHAPTER 9: THE DARK MARK
Arthur’s like “Don’t tell your mother that I let you gamble. Seriously, my balls are on the line here” and Fred and George are like “Chill.”
I can tell that I’m old now because it’s too loud to sleep after the match so everyone is staying up and I’m like “Oh, that’s terrible.”
Arthur’s like “I’m glad I’m not on duty. Have you ever had to tell an Irishman to stop drinking? Shit gets real in a hurry.”
Oh shit, something’s wrong and people are screaming. Did it get to that time in the party where people start suggesting karaoke?
What? Some bros in robes and masks just showed up. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE DOING WEIRD STUFF TO THE MUGGLES THAT IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
I mean, traditionally, if I hear “robes and masks” I’m thinking “sex party.” But I really hope that’s not where this is going.
Oh fuck off, Draco. You miserable little shit stain.
DRACO SERIOUSLY BRO I’M ABOUT TO LET THE TIGER OUT OF THE CAGE.
WTF it’s like fucking ‘Nam out here all the sudden.
Harry’s like “Where are your parents, are they out there with masks on?” And Draco is like “Yeah, dude OOPS I MEAN I DON’T KNOW.”
Fuck you, but probably good advice – “Keep that big bushy head down, Granger” – Draco Malfoy B4p123
Dammit Harry, where’s your wand, son?? You need that shit.
Winky’s just like wandering in the woods mumbling to herself about people in the air and Harry’s like “She’s probably tripping balls, bro.”
Ron’s been entranced by the veelas again and Hermione is like “COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THINKING WITH YOUR DICK FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS?”
Where are they even? They’re in like some secluded clearing in the forest just straight chillin’ while shit is going down for real.
“MORSMORDRE!” – B4P128
“It was a colossal skull, comprised of what looked like emerald stars, with a serpent protruding from its mouth like a tongue.” B4p128
Okay, so this is the “Dark Mark” and it’s basically Voldemort’s logo.
So Harry and the gang almost get STUPEFIED but Arthur is like “PUMP THE BREAKS THAT’S MY SON AND HIS HOODRAT FRIENDS.”
Crouch is losing his shit like “I KNOW IT WAS YOU” and someone is like “Crouch, did you read the first three books” and he’s like “Bro?”
OBVIOUSLY WINKY IS A PATSY. LET’S JUST MOVE RIGHT PAST THIS.
I would like to give Amos Diggory a swift kick to the groin right now. He needs to just fucking reel it in.
This Winky interrogation is infuriating me. YOU’RE MAKING HER CRY WOULD YOU JUST STOP IT PLEASE?
Oh shit, Amos is about to *69 the wand to see the last spell it cast.
Holy shit this chapter never ends.
OKAY, so Crouch is finally like ‘BRO, IF YOU ACCUSE MY HOUSE ELF YOU’RE ACCUSING ME” and it’s a pretty good point.
Hermione is on the warpath now over this whole Winky situation. Ron better just keep his mouth closed.
Oh, the elder Weasley brothers seemed to fought valiantly. WAY2GO BOYZ.
Ugh, Percy. Shut your goddamn mouth about house elves. Seriously. I’m going to add two black eyes to your bloody nose.
Haha, Ron’s like “COULD SOMEONE JUST PLEASE EXPLAIN THE FUCKING SKULL THING AND WHAT THAT EVEN MEANS?”
For real though, “Death Eaters” is kind of a sweet fucking name for a group.
If Death Eaters are supporters of Voldemort, why would seeing the dark mark scare them away? Not following that logic.
Okay, never mind. They explained it.
CH 9: Basically all kinds of shit goes down. That’s really the only summary I’m prepared to make.
I ship whiskey and ice.[divider top="1"]
Incidentally, I also use antlers in all of my decorating.
CHAPTER 10: MAYHEM AT THE MINISTRY
So Mr. Weasley and the crew are peacing out, and then that muggle Mr. Roberts is like “MERRY CHRISTMAS.” But uh, it’s not Christmas.
So he basically got the shit obliviated out of him in a real way.
So Mrs. Weasley saw that “Dark Mark” and #deatheatersscaremebecause were trending on Twitter last night, so she was fucking worried.
Now she’s got two armfuls of Fred and George like “I’M SORRY THAT I SAID YOU GUYS WERE BURNOUTS.”
Oh nice, Mr. Weasley’s fucking pouring some Fire Whiskey into her tea. “DRINK THIS MOLLY, IT MAKES THE PAIN GO AWAY.”
FUCK YOU, RITA SKEETER. That shit sounds like yellow journalism if I’ve ever seen it. Or if I remember it correctly from that journalism class.
Thanks for saving me the trouble, Bill – “Do us a favor, Perce and shut up.” – Bill Weasley B4p147
So Harry finally spills the beans about his scar hurting. Hermione is like “BOOKS” and Ron is like “Bro, this is not good, probably.”
Ron’s like “What do you say we throw back a few brewskis, get on our brooms, throw some balls around, and forget about this whole mess.”
So everyone is pissed and sending the Ministry howlers, which is kind of a dick move, but it’s okay because one exploded on Percy’s desk.
I DOUBT THIS CLOCK THAT TELLS YOU WHERE THE WEASLEYS ARE AND IF THEY’RE IN “MORTAL PERIL” IS GOING TO COME UP AGAIN.
I don’t know what a “fireproof balaclava” is but it sounds dope as fuck.
So Rita Skeeter has blown this Bertha story WIDE OPEN. I bet she’s got Bagman quoted like “Bitch is probably lost or some shit.”
So Percy and Hermione are getting into it about house elves again and it’s pretty fucking boring.
Pigwidgeon is an excitable little bastard, isn’t he? Dude’s always going nuts.
Harry’s got some clean socks and a fucking bag of money like “I’M PACKED, LET’S DO THIS.”
Ron pulls out some frilly, velvet dress. And it’s pretty hot.
Ron holds it up to himself in front of the mirror and Harry’s like “Oh girl, don’t. You would look SO hawt in that. You’re such a slut!”
FASHION EMERGENCY: Ron’s dress is actually a men’s garment that he will be expected to wear at some point. This is not a drill.
So Harry’s robes are chill and Ron’s like “He’s gonna look like fucking Johnny Cash in this shit and I’m gonna look like a little princess!”
THAT’S A MOM BURN, BRO – “Fine, go naked. And Harry make sure you get a picture of him. I could do with a good laugh” – Molly Weasley
So Pig is over there choking on some owl treats and Ron is like “OMG EVERYTHING IS THE WORST” and I’m over here like “Bro, relax you’re 14.”
CH 10: The Ministry’s shit is so fucked, Rita Skeeter’s in the mix, and Ron’s really going to be putting the “dress” in dress robes.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 11: ABOARD THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS
Okay, so things are a little hectic in the Weasley house at the moment. Arthur is using his “hands-free” fire set to talk to Amos.
Ha, this conversation between Arthur and Amos is making 0 sense so far. We got Mad-Eye, we got muggles, and some dustbins in the mix. Crazy.
This Mad-Eye bro sounds like a LOOSE CANNON.
Molly’s like “You want some of this toast, Fire?” and the Fire’s like “YOU KNOW IT, MOLLY.”
So George is like “Mad-Eye Moody is fucking nuts” and Molly’s like “Your dad thinks he’s chill tho” and Fred’s all “Dad also collects plugs.”
And it’s a pretty good burn, you guys.
So Mad-Eye is a Dark Wizard catcher. All the bros in Azkaban are like “Oh, Moody? Seriously, fuck that guy.”
Percy can’t go see them off at the station and everyone’s like “Oh that’s too bad EXCEPT THAT IT’S NOT, THOUGH.”
They have to take fucking muggle cabs to the train station. Pigwidgeon’s makin’ it weird. Per usual.
Great, now Crookshanks is in the mix and he is NOT HAPPY about Fred’s trunk exploding and shit. This cab ride actually sounds pretty dope.
WHAT UP, PLATFORM NINE AND THREE-QUARTERS? HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER, BRO?
Oh man, they entered the platforms so chill this time. Fucking sideways and shit? Dope.
“The Hogwarts Express, a gleaming scarlet steam engine, was already there, clouds of steam billowing from it.” B4p163
PIGWIDGEON YOU NEED TO COOL IT, SON. REEL IT IN.
So now CHARLIE is the one who’s alluding to that thing the ministry dudes were alluding to but wouldn’t tell us. Playin’ it cool.
Okay, now BILL is the one fucking with us. BILL JUST BE COOL. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO COME WATCH?
WTF – “When you find out what the thing is, you’re going to be really excited about the thing, probably.” – Mrs. Weasley, basically.
Now we’re just chillin on the train. And you guys, I really hope this train ride goes better than the last time. That shit was fucked up.
WHAT UP, DRACO? YOU FUCKING DOUCHE-WEASEL.
So Draco is prattling endlessly about Durmstrang (like he literally says it 1000 times in 3 sentences) and Hermione’s like “OMG I WISH.”
So people don’t even know where Durmstrang is? HIPSTER NONSENSE. DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
So if Muggles see Hogwarts they actually see an old ruin that says do not enter? THAT’S NOT GOING TO KEEP THE STONERS OUT I PROMISE.
Hermione postulates that perhaps the Durmstrang campus is Unplottable. Like almost every Adam Sandler movie.
“Ah, think of the possibilities. It would have been so easy to push Malfoy off a glacier and make it look like an accident.” – Ron Weasley
WHAT UP, NEVILLE? YOU GOOFBALL.
Neville’s like “My gran didn’t buy me a ticket to that shit” and Ron just rubs it in his face like “NEVILLE FOR REAL THOUGH IT WAS DOPE.”
Crabbe and Goyle should just get it over with and enroll in bouncer school.
Oh shit, Draco’s got Ron’s dress. So let’s just prepare ourselves for like 20,000 dress jokes for the rest of the book.
Draco keeps propositioning Ron in front of everyone and it’s making me SO uncomfortable – “Are you going to enter?” B4p169
Gross, now he’s bringing Harry into the mix – “I suppose YOU will Potter? You never miss a chance to show off, do you?” B4p169
Ron is PISSED, you guys. Broke the window like it’s the fucking backboard in NBA JAM: ON FIRE edition.
Ugh, now he’s just ruining perfectly good Cauldron Cake. RON, YOU BIG OL’ SOURPUSS.
WHAT UP, HAGRID? You’re soaked bro. Better get you inside, huh?
CH 11: Literally everyone knows about a thing that we don’t know about, we took the train back to Hogwarts, Draco is a fucking tool.
Oh, and I’m a dude. So you guys don’t need to refer to me with gender-neutral pronouns anymore! But I mean, if you want to go for it.
It’s Friday, you guys. Time to drink some fire whiskey and make it weird.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 12: THE TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT
“Harry could see Hogwarts coming nearer, its many lighted windows blurred and shimmering behind the thick curtain of rain.” B4p171
WHAT UP, HOGWARTS? MISSED YOU, GIRL.
Okay, someone is dropping water balloons on them, even though they are already soaked from the rain? So, good prank I guess.
PEEVES! WHAT UP, SON? I take back what I said about the water balloon caper. It’s dope as fuck now.
McGonagall is being so authoritative and hot right now I can’t stand it.
McGonagall is like “Peeves, WTF?” and Peeves is like “Bro, they’re already soaked. Just let me have this one.”
Harry seems to be a little jaded in his fourth year. He’s like “IDGAF about the sorting ceremony, I just want to put food in my face.”
Colin Creevey’s like “It’s my brother’s first year!” and Harry’s like “Is your brother made out of bacon? Because if not I don’t care.”
The DADA prof is missing the feast. And I’m over here like “Can I have his plate, then? I don’t have anything to eat in my apartment.”
Professor Snape is laughing and having a good time NO WAIT HE’S JUST FUCKING SCOWLING AT EVERYONE LIKE ALWAYS.
WHAT UP, DUMBLEDORE? Have you given any more thought about that offer I made you? About being my dad? Okay, well think about it at least.
HAHAHA Colin’s little brother fell in the lake and he gives him two thumbs up like he’s going to be the most popular kid in school now.
The Sorting Hat’s got some mad freestyling skills. Just drops a verse like it’s no big deal. Can I get that shit on iTunes?
Stewart Ackerley just got ‘claw’d. What a nerd.
Great, Harry sees Cho Chang for like a second and he’s already like “Fuck Gryffindor. It’s not even that good. I should totally be a ‘claw.”
Dennis Creevey is playing this “giant squid” thing pretty cool. If it were me there would definitely be more shrieks and nervous crying.
He’s not a dog, Colin – “Dennis! Dennis! See that boy down there? The one with the black hair and glass? KNOW WHO HE IS, DENNIS?” B4p179
Ron’s like “JUST FUCKING SORT THEM ALREADY SO I CAN NOT DIE OF STARVATION.”
Ron’s just got his fork and knife in hand staring at his plate like “Aaaaaaaaaand FOOD. Aaaaaaaand NOW.”
My whole thing is, Peeves doesn’t get invited to the feast because he’s an uncivilized asshole, but Draco is allowed to be there?
So Hermione gets wind of the “house elf” situation at Hogwarts, and Ron and Harry look at each other like “Welp, this dinner is ruined.”
Ron’s eating something called “spotted dick pudding.” Yeah, no I’m sure that’s a thing. It’s totally normal. VERY APPETIZING.
Dumbledore gets up like “Here’s a big fucking list of shit Filch told me you guys can’t have this year. Sorry to harsh the vibe.”
Um, excuse me, what? No Quidditch cup? DUMBLEDORE WTF BRO? If Oliver Wood were here, he’d be dead. He literally would have dropped dead.
(Thanks for setting me straight about the dick pudding, you guys. I’m like a dick pudding scholar now.)
Based on the description, some dude who basically looks like the exact opposite of Ryan Gosling just crashed the party.
Ha, so the whole room is staring at this bro and he just sits down and starts going to town on a plate of sausages. Which is pretty chill.
WHAT UP, MAD-EYE MOODY? YOU DEFINITELY SOUND TOTALLY NORMAL AND NOT AT ALL TERRIFYING.
Wow, mouth full of sausages and then he’s like “fuck it” and start pulling from a hip flask. THIS GUYS IS DOPE AS FUCK.
Dumbledore’s like “TRIWIZARD TOURNY, YOU GUYS!” and Fred’s like “THE FUCK?” and everyone loves it. Nice one, Fred.
Minerva! Just let Dumbledore tell his amazing joke. Why you gotta be like that, BB?
They had to cancel the tournament because people kept DYING? I’m listening.
BORING – “We have worked hard over the summer to ensure that this time, no champion will find himself or herself in mortal danger.” B4p187
“For real, though. If you can’t get into an R rated movie, you can’t participate in this shit. That’s how we decided.” – Dumbledore
George is pretty upset about this age restriction. And I’m like “I don’t think any of the challenges will be fart bomb related, bro.”
Hermione is like “People have died doing this shit! Why would you even?” And everyone’s like “MOM? I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE HERE!”
You guys, I’m a little bummed about this age limit thing too. I thought Neville would’ve really had a shot at this thing LOL!
Harry and Ron are talking about how dope it would be to enter this tourney. And I’m like “I BET ONE OF YOU WILL GET TO FIND OUT, PROBABLY.”
CH 12: First years get sorted, Moody just really doesn’t give a fuck, and we learn about the Triwizard Tournament.
Just want to sincerely wish Lucius Malfoy a Happy Father’s Day OH WAIT NO I DON’T BECAUSE HE’S THE FUCKING WORST.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 13: MAD-EYE MOODY
Alright, we got Herbology with the ‘puffs again, which is chill. But Care of Magical Creatures is still with the fucking Slytherins. Ugh.
Double Divination with Hipster Prof. She’s probably going to predict Harry dying like 14 more times this year. “Bro, THIS time, I’m sure.”
Ha, so Hermione’s hunger strike for the House Elves lasted all of about 10 hours. YOU DID GOOD, GURL.
Hermione’s like “I don’t think not eating is the best way” and Ron’s like “DID THAT OCCUR TO YOU LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU WERE FUCKING STARVING?”
The post office owls are here. Neville forgot some shit, which, I mean, SHOCKER. But Sirius still hasn’t texted Harry back. Rude.
Bubotubers, ya’ll. Fucking disgusting. Seamus is like “OH YEAH, I’LL SQUEEZE THE PUS OUT. I DON’T SEE WHY I WOULD MAKE THIS A THING.”
Just a friendly heads up: Wear dragon gloves if you’re going to harvest pus, you guys. It can do “funny” things to skin.
FOR REAL THOUGH WHY DID YOU GUYS LET ME READ THIS CHAPTER RIGHT AFTER I ATE DINNER? THIS IS DISGUSTING.
Ugh, some ‘puff chick Hannah Abbott is gossiping about Eloise Midgen and her acne problem and I’m like “AT LEAST SHE’S NOT A SLUT, HANNAH.”
These albino firecracker lobsters don’t seem very chill.
Draco just showed up, so I give it about 2-5 pages before something happens that his father will hear about.
Seamus is like “First the pus plant and now THIS shit?” and I’m over here like “Bro, seriously. WTF?”
The amount of things Hagrid doesn’t seem to know about the creatures he’s supposed to be teaching about is pretty shocking.
“I mean, I was fucking wasted the entire summer, so I didn’t really have time to prepare a ‘lesson plan’ or whatever.” – Hagrid, probably.
I’m sure there’s a joke in here somewhere – “Just because they’re not very pretty, it doesn’t mean they’re not useful.” – Hermione B4p197
Aww, flashback to Norbert. That bro was so chill! Except fire breathing, and all the brandy and chicken feathers.
You guys, I wasn’t going to say anything but it sort of seems like Ron has been flirting with Hermione.
Ron keeps making fun of her to her face, which is what I’ve done to any every girl I’ve ever liked. So he may want to switch strategies.
I think we all kind of agree with Draco about not wanting to touch these Skrewts anymore. And it’s a bitter pill to swallow, you guys.
Now Hermione is just shoveling food into her face and Ron’s like “It’s not a race, bro” and Hermione’s like “STFU I’M STARVING OK?”
Oh wait, Hermione had her mouth full of SPROUTS? I’d rather eat albino lobster things if I’m being honest.
Okay, first day of classes and Hermione’s like “Library, bitches. SEE YOU IN BOOK 5″ and peaces the fuck out.
God, Hipster Prof is such a fucking hipster it’s ridiculous.
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Harry’s been in class for 3 seconds and she’s like “Your future is blah blah” And Harry’s like “ALREADY WITH THIS SHIT?”
Hipster Prof is like “You can’t really “get” celestial movements until you’ve heard Pavement’s first two albums.”
Ron went for the “Uranus” joke. Rookie mistake, bro.
Fuck, Rita Skeeter broke the Mad-Eye Moody story wide open and now Draco is douching it up to the whole school.
I ship Draco and Rita Skeeter. But only if the ship hits an iceberg and they both die.
Quoted without commentary – “Get stuffed, Malfoy.” – Harry Potter B4p204
Okay, Mom insults are being thrown around like fucking hotcakes. TRY TO KEEP THE GLOVES UP, BOYS.
OH FUCK YES MOODY JUST TURNED DRACO INTO A FUCKING FERRET.
You guys, Moody is just humiliating the fuck out of Draco right now and it’s just so goddamn satisfying.
Uh oh. McGonagall is here. Now I’m a little scared for Moody.
McGonagall is like “Is that a student?” and Moody is like “Yeah, bro.” and she’s like “DUDE, DON’T. WHAT THE FUCK?”
Okay, so Draco couldn’t quite get out the “my father will hear about this” speech because he was crying but I basically called that shit.
Holy shit Moody is such a badass I can’t stand it. Seriously, do not fuck with this guy.
Ron’s like “You guys, I don’t want to make it weird, but I am soooo sexually aroused by what happened just now.”
CH 13: Mad-Eye Moody is dope as fuck. END OF SUMMARY.[divider top="1"]
Lot of hustle out there today, so we have some new followers joining us. And so for their sake, I’ll try not to make it weird.
CHAPTER 14: THE UNFORGIVABLE CURSES
Starting off with a bang here. Neville has melted his SIXTH cauldron in potions, so Snape’s having him de-poop a barrel full of horned toads.
And those horned toads are fucking loving it.
Snape is pissed about not getting the DADA job, which is pretty typical, but it seems he’s a little scared of Moody. Which is VERY typical.
Moody is like “You don’t need those fucking books or whatever. I’m pretty sure Hermione’s got that shit memorized already.”
So Moody’s like “You guys don’t know about curses yet? LOL”
There’s this thing where Moody starts saying “Dark” but stops. And then Ron makes it weird and everyone’s like “Dude, chill.”
Oh, you’re Arthur Sleezy’s boy?? That dude is so dope. Got me out of a jam and shit. I was like ‘WHAT UP?’ – Moody, probably.
Dumbledore was like “Whatever, dude. Fuck it. You can show them illegal dark curses. But for real though, don’t tell Minerva.”
“How are you supposed to defend yourself against something you’ve never seen?” – Moody B4p212
OH SHIT. Moody’s fucking eye thing can see through substances. I’m over here like “BRO, VEGAS. LET’S GO.”
I guess we’re demonstrating the curses on spiders. Ron’s over there like “YES! MURDER THE FUCK OUT OF THEM!”
Holy shit this spider sounds so chill! Tap dancing and shit?
It’s been my experience that every person with a vagina abuses the Imperious Curse like fucking constantly.
Ha, Moody’s like “I mean, I can teach you how to defend yourself, but you’d probably better off just like, avoiding it if possible.”
Neville raises his hand and the rest of the class kinda just goes “Awwwwwww” in unison. NEVILLE, YOU GOOFBALL!
Neville answers the Cruciatus Curse and gets it right. And I mean, way2go, but there’s a weird beat where Moody is like “Longbottom, huh?”
So for this one, Moody makes the spider huge and Ron just straight up loses his shit like “OMG WHAT THE FUCK, BRO” and Moody’s like “LOL, sorry!”
You could replace “Crucio” with “Call Me Maybe” and it would have the same effect on me.
Avada Kedavra: FUCKING FINALLY. You guys say that shit all the time and I had no idea what it was. Thought it was like some fancy shampoo.
Moody, how could you kill that defenseless spider, bro? LOL JUST KIDDING IDGAF.
I think you just press R, bro – “There’s no countercurse. There’s no blocking it.” – Moody B4p216
Oh shit, hang on. I have to grab my laundry real quick. Just be cool about it. Don’t make it a thing.
Okay, I’m back. For real though, I let that laundry situation get out of control.
Moody’s all “Only one bro has survived that shit, and it’s THIS FUCKING GUY RIGHT HERE. SERIOUSLY BRO BUMP IT.” And then they bumped fists.
Ha, Moody’s like “You guys could pick up your wands and shout that curse at me and it wouldn’t do shit. DO IT, I FUCKING DARE YOU.”
“CONSTANT VIGILANCE. DOPE AS FUCKNESS.” – Moody, kind of. B4p217
Okay, so the “3 unforgivable curses” lesson is over. AND I’M SURE THAT’S THE LAST TIME ANY OF THEM WILL COME UP, PROBABLY.
So Neville is pretty traumatized by all of this, which is : ( and all, but now he’s trying to play it cool and he’s really Neville-ing it.
Moody’s like “Let’s bro down in my office Neville. I have some dope books I want to show you.” And Hermione is so fucking jealous.
Ron’s like “IT WAS SO DOPE WHEN HE KEDAVRA’D THAT FUCKING SPID-” and Hermione’s like “Bro!” But it’s too late. He already made it weird.
Okay, it’s pretty obvious that Hermione is going to the library to research “elf rights” and shit. Just thought I’d air that one out.
Would Dumbledore get in trouble for this curse stuff? No. Because Dumbledore is a maverick, y’all. He just really doesn’t give a fuck.
Neville’s like “I’m pretty good at Herbology” and everyone’s like “Yeah, dude. Totally.” But I don’t think they mean it.
Harry and Ron are like “fuck it” and phone it in on their Divination homework so they can watch some Breaking Bad on Netflix Instant.
Crookshanks is onto the boys’ homework scheme and is looking at them disapprovingly in Hermione’s stead. A true spirit animal.
So Hermione has founded S-P-E-W, and I can’t wait for her to bring in a marketing manager because that acronym is kind of gross.
I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME FOR MY HERMIT CRABS – “They. Like. It. They LIKE being enslaved.” – Ron Weasley B4p224
So Hermione is being especially bossy right now, but I think Ron kind of likes it.
WHAT UP, HEDWIG? MISSED YOU, GURL.
Sirius’ text is pretty cryptic. It’s like “Harry, that’s 2 weird about ur scar! I’m heading back north ASAP. If u feel it again tell Ddore.”
Harry is really beating himself up about Sirius coming back to help him. He’s like “I bet he had such a sick tan, and I’m ruining it. AGH!”
CH 14: We learn about the three illegal curses, Hermione is queen of the elves, and Sirius finally texts Harry back.
You had me at “Imperio.”[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 15: BEAUXBATONS AND DURMSTRANG
“Harry woke with a plan fully formed in his mind, as though his sleeping brain had been working on it all night.” – It was just a letter though.
Harry’s texts Sirius back like “Nvm I think I will b OK. I think I was pretty drunk when I sent that last text LOL. Everything is normal.”
THAT’S A DOPE PLAN, HARRY.
The owlery sounds kind of gross. Fucking owl shit and mice skeletons everywhere? Sounds like that place I ended up last St. Patrick’s day.
Okay, so Hedwig is sort of being a slut with two other owls, but she finally concedes to the task. OPERATION “FULLY FORMED PLAN” UNDERWAY.
Now they are at breakfast and Hermione’s like “Bro, you weren’t lying about your scar hurting, so don’t even.” But Ron’s like “Chill.”
Moody’s just going straight rogue on this Imperious Curse business, because now he’s using it on the students. Hermione’s like “Bro?”
Probably not, though – “Harry and Ron grinned. They knew Hermione would rather eat bubotuber pus than miss such an important lesson.” B4p231
The Imperious Curse seems to be working on everyone because they are acting SILLY. Hopping, singing, gymnastics, and squirrel impersonation.
I bet the Imperious Curse feels like helping some chick move apartments and then she’s like “OK BYE!” and you’re like “How did I get here?”
This curse sounds pretty chill though – “Harry felt a floating sensation as every thought and worry in his head was wiped gently away.”
I take it back. The Imperious Curse sounds more like when you have an adult beverage and then you have 6 more adult beverages.
Holy shit, Harry just fractured both his kneecaps and Moody’s fucking loving it like “YEAH BRO, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.”
“Did you see what Potter did? The rest of you basically did the opposite of that, and it was mostly pretty shitty. I’m just saying.” – Moody
Ron is experiencing some lingering after effects of the curse, causing him to skip down the hall. Harry’s like “Dude, people are looking.”
For real, though. “Ordinary Wizarding Levels” is kind of an oxymoron.
Turning a hedgehog into a pincushion actually sounds, like, pretty easy. They’re basically the same thing.
Ha, Harry and Ron’s homework scheme worked on Hipster Prof. She’s like “I especially liked that Clockwork Orange allusion. Very relevant.”
Snape is having them research antidotes. I think getting laid would be the antidote for his miserable disposition.
Haha, Snape is threatening to poison one of them by Christmas to see if their antidotes work. THAT’S NOT VERY PROFESSIONAL, BRO.
Draco is being a bitch about his skrewt homework and Hagrid’s like “I HEARD YOU MADE A PRETTY SEXY FERRET. SHALL I SEE FOR MYSELF?”
Only a week until the Beauxs and the ‘strangs get here, you guys. Can’t wait!
Word on the street is C-Diggs might enter the tourney. Ron’s like “That idiot?” and Hermione’s like “You’re just jeal because he’s hawt.”
Oh shit. Ron is calling Hermione superficial about looks and dragging Lockhart into the mix. RON YOU BETTER REEL IT IN, SON. SERIOUSLY.
The castle is getting cleaned up for the tourney. Filch is creepin’ on some first years. Making it weird.
Fred and George are whispering about someone not meeting them in person so they have to send a letter. I hope they are blackmailing someone!
God, I wish she’d say that to me – “She just told me to shut up and get on with transfiguring my raccoon.” – Fred talking about Minerva.
Hermione is S-P-E-Wing all over everyone’s breakfast and everyone’s like “I don’t really care because BACON.”
Oh wow Sirius texted Harry back already. It’s like “Nice try, bro! I’m back and it’s totally chill, just change owls every now and then.”
Harry and Ron keep guessing how the other schools are going to arrive at Hogwarts and Hermione’s like “Hey, Moron Twins, STFU for real.”
All right, the Beauxs are here. They took some sort of flying horse-drawn zeppelin. It’s pretty retro.
Some Hagrid-sized woman just emerged from the Beaux Blimp.
YEAH HE WILL – “I assure you, Hagrid will be up to the job.” B4p245
Oh nice, these Beaux horses only drink single-malt whiskey. I’m like “I hope they text me. That sounds dope.”
WTF some ship is reverse-sinking into the lake? THE SQUID IS GOING TO BE CRAMPED AS FUCK.
So this ship can magically appear into landlocked bodies of water but it needs an ANCHOR TO KEEP IT FROM DRIFTING?
OH SHIT VIKTOR KRUM IS IN THE MIX. THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
CH 15: Moody Imperiously curses the students, the Beauxs and ‘strangs make grand entrances, and Viktor Krum’s here to crack some skulls.
Have you guys ever had the urge to like, make out with your Harry Potter book? Asking for a friend.
For real, though. How many of you have used “dope” to describe something in the last 48 hours? Be honest.
It’s Friday, thuggles. Accio bad decisions.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 16: THE GOBLET OF FIRE
So when we left off, Viktor Krum just showed up. And it’s rocking Ron’s world. He’s such a fangirl.
Ron’s like “I had no idea he was still in school” and I’m like “Yeah, bro. Gotta play in college for a year before you can get drafted. ”
Some 6-year babes are freaking out because they don’t have a quill, which is funny. But then Ron’s like “DOES ANYONE HAVE A FUCKING QUILL?”
Ron really needs to reel it in. Now he’s like “Viktor can sleep in my bed. It doesn’t have to be weird.”
So most of the Beaux babes are like “This is Hogwarts? I’m so over it already.” But the ‘strangs think it’s pretty chill.
Dumbledore is like “WHAT UP? Uh, this is Hogwarts. I pretty much run this shit. Try to make yourselves comfortable and don’t make it weird.”
Oh man, this Beaux chick sounds HOT. Ron’s kinda fumbles all over himself and Hermione is like “Her? Please.” HORMONES GOING CRAZY, Y’ALL.
Harry’s like “I dunno. I wouldn’t kick her out of bed, but I think I’m just gonna keep creepin’ on Cho.”
WHAT UP, BAGMAN? WHAT UP, CROUCH?
Let the record show I’m super suspicious of both of these gentlemen for what happened at the world cup. They’re on my JKR radar.
They’re bringing in a CASKET? That’s sort of ominous. I’m sure it’s not foreshadowing.
HOW CAN THERE ONLY BE THREE TASKS WHEN THIS BOOK IS SO FUCKING LONG?
“The champions will be chosen by an impartial selector: the Goblet of Fire.” – B4p255
Hmm, I was hoping it would be more of a “lottery ball” type situation EXCEPT THAT I DON’T BECAUSE THIS SOUNDS DOPE AS FUCK.
Just a piece of paper with your name and the Goblet’s just like “I mean, you’re a chill bro and all, I just don’t think you’re a champion.”
Dumbledore’s like “This is a binding, magical contract. Our wizard attorneys made that shit ironclad.”
Ugh, Fred and George are still dead set on entering even though they’re too young. JUST LISTEN TO DUMBLEDORE THAT DUDE IS WISE AS FUCK.
Krum’s prof offers him some wine and he turns it down. I bet if it was vodka he would take it! Because he’s basically Russian, right?
I mean, yeah, he’s from Bulgaria. But I think, for all intents and purposes, I’m just going to say all the ‘strangs are Russian.
Oh shit I think Karkaroff and Moody are legit going to brawl right now. I am sensing some HISTORY between these two.
Ha, so Fred and George are moving forward with the “age potion” scheme. I wouldn’t exactly call it “bulletproof.”
Fred writes something like “Fred Weasly – Hogwarts. I’M DEFINITELY OLD ENOUGH TO BE DOING THIS SO IT’S NOT EVEN A THING.”
Alright, the twins got owned by the age line, which isn’t much of a stretch, but this beard thing is making me smile.
Angelina Johnson puts her name in for this dangerous tournament, and I kinda shrieked when I saw a spider this morning. So there you go.
Ron is really interested in where everyone is sleeping and it’s really kind of weird.
I don’t want to sound like a total bitch, but Hagrid’s outfit right now is a FASHION EMERGENCY. And the product in his hair? Girl, no.
Hermione’s like “Hagrid, do you want to join my elf thing?” and he’s like “NOPE LOL!”
Hagrid’s totally putting the moves on Madame Maxime. He’s gonna be like “I’ve got a magical creature that could use some care.”
Krum is the ‘strang champion, obvs.
Okay, so that chick Ron has the hots for is Fleur Delacour, and she’s the Beaux champion. Maybe she’ll just seduce all three tasks.
Ugh, the Hogwarts champion is C-diggs. WHATEVER CEDRIC. You handsome douche.
OH SHIT THIS TOURNAMENT JUST GOT POTTERED, Y’ALL.
CH 16: Ron has a thing for Krum and Fleur, Maxime and Hagrid are sitting in a tree, and Harry is the 4th champion in the Triwizard Tourney.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 17: THE FOUR CHAMPIONS
So Harry’s name was chosen by the Goblet of Fire, and everyone in the great hall is like “The fuck?” and Harry’s like “I DIDN’T EVEN.”
Oh no, Dumbledore is doing that thing where he’s not “mad” he’s “disappointed” and THAT’S SO MUCH WORSE, YOU GUYS.
Ha, Harry walks into the champions room and Fleur’s like “I’ll have a vodka tonic” and Harry’s like “Oh, I’m not like, taking drink orders.”
Bagman is surprisingly chill about all this. Krum and Fleur are like “Bro?” and Cedric hasn’t even looked up from his iPhone yet.
So Maxime and the Russian are pretty pissed that Hogwarts has two champions. I’m over here like “OK, BYE CEDRIC LOL!”
SNAPE, YOU PERFECT DOUCHE – “It’s no one’s fault but Potters. Don’t go blaming Dumbledore for Potter’s determination to break rules.” B4p273
Maxime is like “Dumbledore must’ve fucked up the age line or some shit” and I’m like “O RLY? THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY THINK? FUCK YOU!”
Russian prof is like “Let’s resubmit names or some shit” and Bagman’s like “Nah, bro. The Goblet of Fire has already peaced the fuck out.”
Ha, fucking Moody just appears out of nowhere to make Russian prof feel like a douche. Love that guy.
Moody is blowing minds with this theory that someone put Harry’s name in the Goblet so he would get offed during the tournament.
Nice burn, though – “We all know Moody considers the morning wasted if he hasn’t discovered 6 plots to murder him before lunchtime.” B4p279
Moody’s like “Obviously some powerful witch or wizard got the Goblet of Fire wasted on Jäger last night so that it would drunk text Harry.”
I think Russian prof maybe used to be a Death Eater? Either way, Dumbledore is like “You bros need to chill the fuck out. For real, though.”
AWWW YEAH NO TESTS FOR THE CHAMPIONS.
Crouch is like “I g2g” and Bagman is like “OH COME ON, BRO. I’M STAYING. THIS PLACE IS DOPE.”
Cedric’s like “For real, though. How did you get your name in?” and Harry’s like “I FUCKING DIDN’T” and Cecrics like “LOL OK.”
Everyone in the Gryffindor common room is like “HARRY YOU SON OF A BITCH, HOW DID YOU DO IT?”
Ok, so Ron isn’t exactly taking all of this very well. I could be wrong but he seems a LITTLE jealous. DON’T LET IT TEAR YOU APART, BOYS.
Ron is like “Bros before secretly entering the Triwizard Tournament, dude.” and Harry’s like “I don’t think that’s a thing.”
CH 17: Harry is entered into the tournament under mysterious circumstances. Moody thinks it’s a murder plot, Ron thinks it’s not chill.
Would you rather be dope as a fuck or a chill bro?[divider top="1"]
I don’t think I’ll be able to do a this whole chapter tonight because it’s pretty long and I’m busy. But here we go.
CHAPTER 18: THE WEIGHING OF THE WANDS
Harry was hoping to have some morning pillow talk with Ron, but Ron is off brooding somewhere, probably.
Hermione is like “TOAST DELIVERY!” and Harry’s like “OMFG GIRL YOU KNEW I WAS STARVING.” and they go for a walk-and-talk.
So after analyzing some texts from Ron, Hermione comes to the conclusion that he is JEALOUS (omg) and Harry’s like “Bro, seriously?”
Harry’s like “I think Ron’s being a total douche right now. No, I’m JUST saying.” and Hermione is like “You guys just need to bro down. OK?”
Harry is being a LITTLE disagreeable. But Hermione is like “JUST FUCKING WRITE TO SIRIUS YOU BITCH.” And Harry uses a Hogwarts loner owl.
(Sorry for the lag. Had to buy some Louis CK tickets really quick.)
Harry texts Sirius like “Just want to keep u in the loop. I’m in the 3wizard tourney but like, some1 must’ve entered my name cuz I didn’t.”
Hedwig is pissed that Harry isn’t using her to deliver the message and Harry’s like “NOT YOU TOO, BRO. CUT THE SHIT.”
The rest of the school thinks Harry is kind of a dick for this Triwizard thing. Especially the ‘puffs. They’re like “JUST LET US HAVE THIS.”
Now they have magical creatures with the Slytherins and Draco’s got some notecards like “I wrote all of my burns down so I wouldn’t forget.”
This chapter should’ve been called “Nobody likes me : ( ”
That’s a dope font, though. http://t.co/vNM5Coqp
LOL “Potter stinks.” (FUCK YOU, DRACO.)
Furnunculus and Densaugeo charms are flying all over the goddamn place and I’m over here like “OMG WHERE ARE THE ADULTS?”
Goyle’s got boils on his face so I don’t think anyone noticed and Hermione’s teeth are out of control. GOOD THING YOUR PARENTS ARE DENTISTS.
Snape, I’m going to choose my words carefully. FUCK YOU IN YOUR STUPID FACE YOU DOUCHE. – “I see no difference.” – Snape B4p300
So Colin Creevey shows up like “Harry needs to come with me” and Snape is like “LOL THAT’S ADORABLE” and Colin is like “For real, tough.”
PHOTO SHOOT, Y’ALL. I bet that .gif is going to be dope as fuck.
So the wand weighing is just to make sure everyone’s wands are TWT regulation size. Sounds pretty standard.
WHAT UP, RITA SKEETER? FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.
This seems like a good place to call it a night. We’ll have to continue this Rita Skeeter nightmare next time. Sorry gang.
ATTENTION THUGGLES: Do you have any thoughts or concerns? Official business? Send me an email@example.com- No dick pics.
Alright, hustle thugs. CHAPTER 18 CONTINUED.
When we left off, Bagman was like “Harry, it’s not the size of your wand, it’s how you use it” and Cedric was like “Ha, not really though.”
And of course, Rita Skeeter is in the mix. Writing some barf article about the Champions or whatever.
Rita Skeeter wants to have a one-on-one interview with Harry. In a broom cupboard. Harry’s like “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”
I’m going to come right out and say it. Rita’s quill is a total douche.
Skeeter’s like “Champions have died before. Have you thought about it?” and Harry’s like “You know, it may have crossed my mind YOU BITCH.”
Harry’s like “Oh, for fuck’s sake. I DIDN’T enter. AND DON’T TAKE THAT OUT OF CONTEXT EITHER.”
Dumbledore to the fucking rescue like “Harry, is this bitch bothering you? For real, though, Rita. You are pretty terrible at your job.”
WHAT UP, MR. OLLIVANDER? HOW YOU BEEN, BRO?
“Oh shit, Fleur IS part veela! I gotta tell Ron that shit. Wait, NOPE. Totally forgot Ron is being a real dick hole nvm.” – Harry, probably.
You guys, this “weighing of the wand” business is a minefield of potential dick jokes so I’m just going to move past it.
OH SHIT OLLIVANDER MADE A FOUNTAIN OF WINE SHOOT OUT OF HARRY’S WAND THAT IS SO FUCKING USEFUL.
Like, how are any of them even standing right now? If there is just an endless amount of wine in their wands?
Ha, Madame Maxime is literally un-photographable. The photographer is like “Are you kidding me with this shit? Let’s just use the blonde.”
Harry got a text from Sirius like “Yeah, dude. That shit sounds fucked up. Just be careful and shit and I’ll do what I can. TTYL.”
CH 18: Everyone hates Harry, including Ron. Hermione’s teeth have a growth spurt. Cedric’s wand is, well it’s pretty big. I’ll say that.[divider top="1"]
Ha, Cedric didn’t even make it into that Daily Prophet article. He’s like “But I’m so handsome?” and Harry’s like “LOL SUCKS.”
Oh gawd, Rita printed that Harry and Hermione are a thing. Harry’s like “NAH, BRO. I GOT FRIEND ZONED PRETTY HARD.”
Nice – “Since when have you been one of the top students in the school? Or is this a school you and Longbottom have set up together?”
“YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. I JUST FINISHED CRYING ABOUT MY MUM AND NOW I’M OFF TO BANG HERMIOh my god, Cho. I’m so sorry.” – Harry, probably.
Cho is like “Good luck on Tuesday” and Harry’s like “Let’s run away together” and Cho’s like “What?” and Harry’s like “NOTHING!”
Harry and Ron miss each other soooooooooo much. It’s adorable.
Posted without commentary – “Harry liked Hermione very much, but she just wasn’t the same as Ron.” B4p316
THAT’S DEFINITELY NOT SOMETHING GIRLS DO, RIGHT? – “He’s not even good looking. They only like him because he’s famous.” B4p317
Harry’s trying really hard not to be seen in Hogsmeade but then Hermione gets her elf shit out and he’s like “Fuck it, I’ll sit with Draco.”
Moody’s eye can see through invisibility cloaks? WAS THAT SHIT MADE BY WAYNE ENTERPRISES OR SOMETHING?
If Harry’s dad were alive, he would’ve taught him not to do things like that – “Harry, meet me at midnight at my cabin.” – Hagrid B4p322
Holy shit, Now Hagrid is bringing Madame Maxime into the mix? THIS ISN’T GOING TO GET WEIRD IS IT?
DRAGONS, Y’ALL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHAT UP, CHARLIE? WE’VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.
I REALLY DOUBT HARRY WILL GET THE HUNGARIAN HORNTAIL.
Hagrid gets sight of the dragon eggs and his ovaries start tingling.
Harry needs to take a fucking class for his invisibility cloak because he is always fucking it up as far as I can tell.
Russian Prof is creeping on the dragons. They’ve probably aroused him sexually, but there’s not point in speculating.
Oh nice, Harry is fire-skyping with Sirius. It’s pretty chill.
That may have more to do with the fact that you are talking to a fireplace – “Sirius looked different from Harry’s memory of him.” B4p331
As I suspected, Russian Prof is an Azkaban bro. Former Death Eather, and former KGB too, probably.
I’m sorry guys, but I’m not taking this Karkaroff JKR bait. No way it’s him.
Haha, Sirius is like “Oh, dragons? That shit is easy, you ju-” and then Harry hears someone coming like “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. SERIOUSLY?”
Okay, so the person coming down the stairs was Ron. And they get into a girl fight. It’s all pretty frustrating.
CH 19: Hagrid breaks the “Dragon” story wide open, Harry skypes with Sirius, and the boring feud between Ron and Harry continues.
Gryffindor in the streets. Slytherin in the sheets.
Sorry, thuggles. Things at work have been cray. We’ll kick off this Triwizard Tournament soon, okay?
It’s Friday, you guys. Anyone know where I can get some polyjuice and a few stray hairs from somebody handsome?
“I wish I could meet Draco in real life. He just seems like a really nice guy, you know?” – No one, ever.[divider top="1"]
Let’s see if I remember how to do this without making it weird.
CHAPTER 20: THE FIRST TASK
I think Harry went out and got wasted after his little tiff with Ron because he’s having trouble dressing himself this morning.
Harry and Hermione are analyzing some texts from Sirius and she’s like “Russian Prof sounds bad or whatever, BUT FUCKING DRAGONS, DUDE.”
APPARENTLY dragons aren’t that easy to kill. Harry’s like “Sirius said it was a simple spell” and Hermione’s like “Probably not, though.”
I GOT YOU HARRY. http://t.co/F48xtmB5
Harry’s like “Fuck it, I should just run away” but then he’s like “Ugh, nvm. Privet Dr. blows. I’d rather face a dragon than the Dursleys.”
THAT’S NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE FOR ME – “He finished his bacon with difficulty.” B4p339
Ha, I know you were trying to get Cedric alone for a minute, but making all that shit fall out of his bag was kind of a dick move.
Harry’s like “Dragons, dude.” and C-diggs is like “Get the fuck out of here. For real though?” And Harry’s like “Yeah, bro.”
Cedric’s like “How do you even know?” and Harry’s like “LOOK, HAGRID DIDN’T TELL ME SO I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU KEEP SAYING HE DID.”
Moody is in the mix now. Harry’s like “Will you turn me into a ferret, plz?” and Moody’s like “What?” and Harry’s like “WHAT? NOTHING.”
Moody’s got a lot of shady shit in his office. Throwing up some red flags for me if I’m being honest.
“Look, dude. Fucking everyone cheats in the Triwizard Tournament. It’s like Words With Friends up in this bitch, okay?” – Moody
Ha, Moody is like “Play to your strengths, bro” and Harry’s like “I haven’t got any OOPS I MEAN, YEAH TOTALLY.” It’s just classic Harry.
Moody is just like “Right, so you’re good at flyyyying…and you have a waaaand…soooo.” And Harry’s like “I’m just not following you.”
So the summoning charm just like, moves objects from a distance? I’m over here like “LET’S GET YODA IN THE MIX. HE’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.”
I’m sorry, but if I’m fighting a dragon later I’m not going to sit through History of Magic with Ghost Prof or whatever. No way.
“Your task is to collect the golden egg.” – Bagman B4p339
Harry pulls out the Hungarian Horntail like “SERIOUSLY, JKR? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE COOL LIKE ONE TIME. FOR REAL, THOUGH.”
Cedric’s battling his dragon while the others chill in the locker room. Harry’s got his iPod on this one GETTING PUMPED.
Oh shit, C-diggs beat his dragon in 15 minutes? That’s pretty chill.
Now Fleur is out there like “I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. I WILL TAKE WHAT’S MINE WITH FIRE AND BLOOD.”
Okay, hustle thugs. Harry is about to battle his dragon. Let’s just all prepare ourselves for a lot of caps lock and some adult language.
Harry’s like ‘Accio Firebolt” and the Firebolt just comes out of nowhere like “WHAT UP?”
Harry is just flying around now? The Horntail is like “LOL What are you doing? Come back. I want to tell you a secret.”
OH SHIT, Harry just got a spike to the shoulder. He’s like “JUST A FLESH WOUND.”
HARRY GETS THE GOLDEN EGG. 50 MILLION POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR.
I wanted Harry to just like, throw the dragon into the crowd like “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?” But he didn’t.
Harry and Ron are bros again!
Hermione is just bursts into tears like “You stupid betches!” and then just storms off. Ron’s like “WTF, bro?” And Harry’s like “IDK.”
I think PETA would have a problem with that – “He was trying to make the dragon go for the dog instead of him.” – Ron Weasley B4p359
FUCK YOU, RUSSIAN PROF. 4 my ass.
Ron is getting all mad on Harry’s behalf and it’s kind of adorable.
Jeeze, so now everyone at school is back on Harry’s side? These are some fair-weather fucking friends. FICKLE.
So Rita Skeeter is like “Can I have a word?” and Harry’s like “Yeah, you can have two. FUCK YOU.” And it’s so satisfying.
CH 20: Moody gives Harry some advice, Harry gets by the Horntail like a pro, and Harry and Ron are totally friends again, finally.[divider top="1"]
Okay then, here we go.
CHAPTER 21: THE HOUSE-ELF LIBERATION FRONT
A house elf chapter? I am definitely not drunk enough for that. Let me grab an adult beverage real quick. HOLD UP.
Ron is talking shit about Russian Prof like “I’ve seen enough action movies that I should’ve suspected him based on his accent alone.”
Ron is like “None of the tasks will be as dangerous.” YEAH NO I’M SURE YOU’RE RIGHT, RON. PROBABLY JUST SMOOTH SAILING FROM HERE ON IN.
Harry is trying to text Sirius but Pigwidgeon is being an excitable bastard per usual. Thank goodness for auto-correct.
“Let’s head back. Fred and George will have gotten enough food for your surprise party by now. I MEAN, WHAT?” – Ron, probably.
Harry opens the golden egg and I think some dubstep started playing or something because everyone’s like “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT? TURN IT OFF.”
FOR REAL, THOUGH? THAT’S DOPE AS FUCK – “They’re dead helpful…get me a roast ox if I said I was peckish.” – Fred Weasley B4p366
Neville just up and turned into a fucking canary. Everyone’s just like “whateves.”
The class is getting second-hand drunk off the single-malt whiskey Hagrid is using to get at Madame Max. Sounds like my kind of whiskey.
Hagrid literally knows NOTHING about the magical creatures this class is supposed to be caring for. I’m sure it’s on wikipedia or something.
Now Rita Skeeter’s in the mix like “What’re those creatures?” and Hagrid’s like “YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR FACE REALLY CLOSE TO ONE TO FIND OUT.”
Rita wants an interview with Hagrid and everyone’s just kinda like “Bro?”
Hermione is really fucking excited to show us something and me, Harry, and Ron are like “LOL, DON’T CARE.”
WHAT UP, DOBBY? YOU LOOK GOOD, BRO.
I hate to say it, but Dobby’s outfit right now is a FASHION EMERGENCY.
See, now Winky looks CORRECT. A skirt, blouse, and matching blue hat? Shit looks dope. GET IT, GURL.
Oh wait, spoke too soon. Winky, you need to get that outfit laundered or something. MAKE IT WORK.
Dobby just wants to get paid, y’all. He’s a hustle thug, just like us.
From the sound of things, Dobby is not very good at negotiating. He’s like “10 a week? Just give me 1. That’s good, right?”
Dobby calls the Malfoys “bad dark wizards” and I’m over here like YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT, BRO.
WHAT THE FUCK, RON? YOU’RE GIVING DOBBY YOUR WEASLEY SWEATER? I’VE BEEN ASKING FOR THAT SHIT FOR LIKE 3 BOOKS STRAIGHT. NOT COOL.
CH 21: Harry has Ron back, Dobby and Winky are in the mix, and everyone is finally suspicious of Bagman.
Oh cool, 6,000 followers. Incidentally, if you add 4300, that’s about how much money I owe some dude in Reno named Salvatore. Long story.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 22: THE UNEXPECTED TASK
YEAH it did – “Professor McGonagall’s irritated [yet sexy] voice cracked like a [sex] whip through the Transfiguration class.” B4p385
THERE’S GONNA BE A DANCE? OH SHIT YEAH! TIME TO GET WEIRD.
McGonagall is like “Potter, you and whatever date you can scrounge are gonna kick this thing off, so don’t fuck it up.” Harrys’ like “Bro?”
THAT SOUNDS DOPE, THOUGH – “Harry had a sudden mental image of himself in a top hat and tails, accompanied by a girl in a frilly dress.”
So now that the dance is on the way, Hogwarts is like GIRL CITY. All the boys are like “where did they come from?”
I KNOW, RIGHT? – “Why do they have to move in packs? How’re you supposed to get one on their own to ask them?” – Harry B4p388
You guys, this chapter is already bringing back so many weird memories.
So Harry’s got designs on Cho, which I mean, obviously. But he doesn’t quite have the nerve. JUST ASK HER OVER AIM, HARRY. IT’S FINE.
Oh WTF, Harry? Some ‘puff chick just threw herself at you and you’re like “LOL NOPE!”
Harry’s like “Are girls only asking me out because I’m a champion?” And I’m over here like “SHOULD YOU GIVE A SHIT? NAH, BRO.”
So it turns out Rita only interviewed Hagrid to get some dirt on Harry and everyone’s like “Should’ve went to Snape instead LOL!”
Like, I know Harry is stranded on the wrong end of the Friend Zone, but Hermione seems like a pretty solid option for this dance.
Ha, the students are so distracted that Professor Flitwick is like “Fuck it” and just lets them watch Bill Nye the Science Guy or whatever.
Hermione’s like “Shouldn’t you be like, figuring that golden egg out?” and everyone’s just like “Probably not, though.”
Fred’s like “You dipshits have dates yet? Because all the bad bitches are gonna be taken in a minute, you feel me?”
OH SHIT. Fred just asked Angelina to the ball like a BOSS.
Hermione’s like “So basically you’ll just take the hottest girl who can stand you, even if she sucks?” And Ron’s like “Yeah, basically.”
So Peeves is adding some dope verses to “O Come All Ye Faithful,” but people aren’t really “getting” it.
Ron is like “When we get back to the common room, we’re both gonna have dates OK?” And Harry’s like “This sounds like a bad teen comedy.”
Harry can’t ever seem to get Cho alone and I’m over here like “THAT’S WHAT G-CHAT IS FOR, DUDE.”
I would NOT suggest doing that. For real, though – “Could he perhaps ambush her as she was going into a bathroom?” B4p396
Oh noooooo. Harry got shot down hard. It’s like a game of Duck Hunt up in here.
Wait, she’s going with C-Diggs? CHO, WTF? ARE YOU SERIOUS? THAT GUY IS A TOTAL DOUCHE.
That is some ‘puff-flavored salt in the wound, that is.
Ron asked out Fleur? WHAT EVEN? She’s so far out of your league, dude. Hormones are making these kids fucking crazy.
Neville got shot down by Hermione. This is a ROUGH day for the Gryffindor men.[Facepalm] – “Hermione, Neville’s right. You ARE a girl.” – Ron B4p400
Wow, Ron is being a QUITE the charmer right now. He’s like “No, seriously though. You’re not going with anyone, so just go with one of us.”
OH FUCK, Y’ALL – “Just because it’s taken YOU three years to notice, Ron, doesn’t mean no one ELSE has spotted I’m a girl!” – Hermione p400
Ginny is going with Neville? This is just getting out of hand.
For real, though. Parvati and Lavender, guys? IS MOANING MYRTLE STILL IN THE MIX?
CH 22: The Yule Ball is a thing and it’s rocking everyone’s world, Harry and Ron strike out hard and Hermione has a date, to Ron’s surprise.
Does anyone know if like, McGonagall has a date to the Yule Ball yet? Asking for a friend.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 23: THE YULE BALL
Fred and George are the kingpins of canary cream.
So Fleur is the skinny chick who is always complaining about how fat she is, and the rest of us are over here like “Seriously, STFU.”
Draco’s talking about Hermione like “Someone asked THAT to the ball?” And I’m like “JUST GIVE ME A REASON, DRACO. YOU FERRET LOOKING FUCK.”
Hermione just hoodwinked like 50 years of orthodontia by magically correcting her teeth. Looks good though. Harry and Ron are like “DAYUM.”
Pidwidgeon is macking on some third year babes and Ron is like “OH GREAT, EVEN MY BAT-SHIT CRAZY OWL GETS MORE FEMALE ATTENTION THAN ME.”
Sirius sent Harry a text like “WHAT UP? That was dope how u beat ur dragon. For real, tho. Keep an eye on Russian Prof. Dude’s crazy LOL!”
Hermione is like “Seriously, you should start working on your egg” but Harry and Ron just watch Netflix instead.
Dobby is in Harry’s bed like “Wakey wakey, eggs and crazy!” and Harry’s like “WTF, bro?”
Posted without commentary – “Just prod me or something in the future, all right, don’t bend over me like that…” – Harry B4p408
Seamus is like “Is someone attacking you, Harry. Wait, IDGAF because PRESENTS!”
For real, though. I would’ve rocked that Weasley sweater so much harder than Dobby. These are dark days, thuggles.
Dobby darned Harry a pair of socks with some dope little brooms and snitches. And it’s kind of adorable.
Hermione leaves to to get ready and Ron’s like “What do you need three hours for?” And I’m like “They don’t like it when you ask, dude.”
“OMG Ron looks like such a slut in that dress.” – Everyone, probably.
Ha, everyone’s just waiting around by the doors until they open for the dance? ALL THE COOL KIDS GET THERE THREE HOURS LATE, Y’ALL.
Padma is like “What even, Ron? Your dress looks better than mine!”
Crabbe and Goyle are those two guys that are like “FUCK DATES, WE’RE GOING STAG!” but really just couldn’t get dates.
I can’t – “McGonagall was wearing dress robes of red tartan and had arranged a rather ugly wreath of thistles around the brim of her hat.”
OMG HERMIONE IS VIKTOR KRUM’S DATE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All the girls are throwing bitch eyes Hermione’s way and she’s like “U MAD, BRO?”
Ugh, Percy crashed the dance. What a creep.
Oh shit! Dumbledore just yelled “Pork chops” into his plate and they just fucking appeared. And it’s probably my favorite spell so far.
All right, my computer is about to die and this chapter is like a million pages, so I’ll just finish up a little later.
Okay, you guys still around? Let’s do this.
So Krum finally has some dialogue. And it kind of seems like he’s never had a conversation before.
“In Soviet Russia, conversations have YOU!” – Viktor Krum, probably.
Russian Prof is like “Viktor, maybe don’t tell this broad EVERYTHING about our school? Remember, it’s a secret.” Dumbledore is like “ugh.”
Okay, I think Dumbledore dropped some LSD before this dance because he’s talking about a room with chamber pots that just up and vanished.
Fleur is being a total bitch about the decorations not being French enough or some shit, and her date is like “OMG YOU’RE PRETTY.”
Krum can’t even say Hermione’s name. Ladies, if you ever find yourself on a date with a boy who can’t say your name, GTFOOOOO.
Dumbledore stands up and he’s just like “LET’S GET THIS SHIT CRUNK. DJ, DROP THAT SHIT” and then it’s just like http://t.co/G8QwYFAp
So Harry peaces out after the first song and meets up with Ron. They’re like “fuck it” and start pulling from some hip flasks.
I mean, probably not. That’s kinda lame – “Viktor? Hasn’t he asked you to call him Vicky yet?” – Ron Weasley B4p421
Oh shit, y’all. Ron’s like “You’re snogging the enemy, you are!” and Hermione’s like “Bitch, please. You’re just jealous he didn’t ask you.”
This shit is getting TENSE. Ron thinks this is all some ‘strang plot to get at Harry, but Hermione’s like “He thinks I’m fun to look at.”
Ron isn’t so great at communicating with women, you know?
Fred and George are trying to take their fart bomb operation to the next level. That’s been pretty clear, but there’s the confirmation.
Shit, Snape and Russian prof are bro-ing down in the bushes. Whispering about all kinds of shit.
Haha, some ‘puff bro and a ‘claw babe were just canoodling in the bushes. Snape is like “THE FUCK?”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. CAN NOBODY KEEP IT IN THEIR PANTS AT THIS FUCKING YULE BALL? Hagrid and Madame Max? Fleur and Johnny Ravenclaw? Please.
Hustle Tip: Women don’t like it when you call them a “Half-Giant.” Just a friendly heads up, Hagrid.
Madame Max is like “I have big bones!” and Hagrid’s like ” LOL Do you, though? ‘Cause it mostly seems like you’re probably half giant.”
Ron says that wizards are pretty sure that giants aren’t very chill. Harry’s like “Whatever, dude. Hagrid’s dope as fuck.”
Cedric is like “Harry, take a bath” and Harry’s like “FUCK YOU, BRO.” And Cedric’s like “No no, like, take a bath with the egg, OK?”
Game. Set. Match. – “Next time there’s a ball, ask me before someone else does, and not as a last resort.” – Hermione B4p432
You guys, I think Hermione and Ron sort of like each other, but just aren’t really mature enough to express it properly. You know?
CH 23: Hermione is Krum’s date, Snape and Russian Prof have a weird moment in the bushes, and Hermione and Ron are like totally in love.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 24: RITA SKEETER’S SCOOP
Okay, so Hermione is confessing to Harry how much product she was using in her hair at the ball. Harry’s like “For real, girl? Damn.”
Ha, Harry’s just yelling questions into his egg like “WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A DICK?” He’s not taking a bath with it out of spite.
Wait, Cedric and Cho are holding hands in the hallway now? Have they made it Facebook Official or is it just like whatever still?
HAHA PROFESSOR GRUBBLY-PLANK.
I think she will henceforth be known as Professor Homely-Witchface.
Harry’s like “What’s up with Hagrid, though?” and Prof Sexywitch is like “Nevermind that” and Harry’s like “LOL that’s not how this works!”
Unicorns prefer a woman’s touch. Honestly I think there’s a joke in there somewhere but I can’t seem to find it.
Draco follows Rita Skeeter on Twitter, so he’s usually ahead of the game when her articles get posted.
RITA SKEETER BROKE THE “HALF-GIANT” STORY WIDE OPEN.
Draco’s pull-quote is infuriating, but a little enlightening. Crabbe’s first name is Vincent? I didn’t know henchmen even had first names!
“Hagrid, turn in your badge and your weapon. We can’t keep a loose cannon half-giant on the force. I’m busting you back down to gamekeeper.”
Harry’s like “We need to get Hagrid back!” and Hermione’s like “Professor Frumpyface was pretty chill, though. ”
Krum dives into the lake in the middle of fucking January like “In Soviet Russia, lakes-” and then dies of hypothermia.
No sign of Hagrid at the Three Broomsticks, but Bagman is kickin’ it with some Goblins in the corner. Being shady and shit.
No, ok, so Barty Crouch just like, stopped showing up to work? And we STILL don’t know what the fuck is going on with Bertha Jorkins LOL.
“I wouldn’t come near you with a ten foot broomstick.” – Harry Potter B4p450
Hermione is in bitch mode right now, and I’m kind of scared for Rita Skeeter.
WHAT UP, DUMBLEDORE? Kickin’ it with Hagrid? You’re a good friend, bro.
So I guess Skeeter’s story backfired ’cause a lot of parents are like “If you get rid of Hagrid, I’m sending my kid to public school!”
Aberforth Dumbledore sounds dope as fuck OMG.
Hagrid’s still a little broken up about Mad Max. I’m like “Dude, just delete her number and unfriend her on Facebook. You know the drill.”
WTF Harry! Stop lying about the golden egg. For real, though. JUST TAKE A BATH.
CH 24: Skeeter scoops Hagrid’s past, Magical Creatures class gets a hilarious substitute professor, Harry’s egg is still playing dubstep.
CHAPTER 25: THE EGG AND THE EYE
So Harry is planning to take a bath with the egg at night. Because nothing bad ever happens when he sneaks around the castle at night.
What do the prefects even use this bathroom for? Mass orgies/diving practice?
“Hey, could you guys have sex with each other in the shallow end? I’m working on my back flip over here.” – A prefect, probably.
For real, though. This lap pool sex grotto just sounds wildly irresponsible. Conservation-wise.
WHAT UP, MOANING MYRTLE? BEING A CREEP, HUH? AS YOU WERE.
THAT’S THE POINT, HARRY – “I’m, I’m not wearing anything!” B4p461
Harry’s like “You were spying on C-diggs too?” And Myrtle’s like “Yeah, and it was a little better for me, if I’m being honest.”
It looks like the second task is going to involve some dick merpeople who will take something from the champions. Not cool.
Ha, Dudley had swimming lessons as a child until he started displacing too much water in the pool and was forced to quit, probably.
JKR didn’t ask my permission to use my life? – “They stopped me from stalking her, so I had to come back here and live in my toilet.”
Myrtle’s like “Will you come visit me in the bathroom sometime?” And Harry’s like “YEAH BUT ONLY ON TACO TUESDAYS YOU CREEP.”
BARTY CROUCH IN THE BUILDING, Y’ALL.
You should see the look of surprise on my face – “Harry hesitated, thinking…and then his curiosity got the better of him.” – B4p467
And yet, another amateur performance with the invisibility cloak. Dropping his shit all over the place. Making all kinds of fucking noise.
Reel it in, Filch – “I’ll have you, Peeves. I’ll have you.” – B4p468
NOW WE GOT SNAPE IN THE MIX. PERFECT.
Okay, so Snape is like “Someone broke the wizard lock to my office” and Filch is all “PEEVES! EGGS! STEALING!” And Snape is like “IDGAF.”
Moody sees all of them standing there and Harry in the cloak like “What fucking Tarantino film have I stumbled into now?”
Okay, so Snape and Moody are getting into it, then Snape sees the Map and Harry has to basically text Moody like “MY MAP, BRO!”
THIS WHOLE SCENE IS SO AWKWARD. I just keep picturing Filch while the other two are having it out like “WELP, I’m just. I’m just gonna go.”
Moody is like “Do you think I could make a photocopy of this?” And Harry’s like “Yeah bro” and I’m over here like “NO DUDE. DON’T.”
Something is obviously up. I don’t trust anyone at this point.
CH 25: Harry takes a sex bath with the golden egg, and now literally everyone is on my JKR radar. Except for Snape, surprisingly.
I’m going to ask a question, but I don’t want you to say anything except yes or no: Can the Marauder’s Map be fooled by polyjuice potions?
All right, ‘no’ seems to be the consensus. I may be on the right track, then.
That moment when you realize you’re gay for almost every character in Harry Potter, and it’s just not awkward. Like, at all.
Hustle Tip: I generally start tweeting chapters around 8 pm C/ST, if you want to follow along.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 26: THE SECOND TASK (OMG)
Hermione is like “I thought you already solved your egg thing” and Harry’s like “Nope. I just told you that so you’d STFU for a minute.”
Welp, add “banishing charm” to the already impressive list of things Neville can’t seem to do. He’s throwing a Flitwick paper airplane.
Ron’s like “Maybe Moody thinks Snape put your name in the Goblet” and Hermione’s like “Probably not, though. Remember book one?”
Ron wants Harry to summon some SCUBA gear or some shit for Task 2 and everyone just kind of facepalms.
So Harry texted Sirius about Snape and Moody and Sirius texted him back like “When are u going back 2 Hogsmeade? We need 2 have a bro-down.”
Learning so much about unicorns. Like that they changes colors with age. Or that they have trust issues with men. THEY’VE BEEN HURT BEFORE.
Harry and Hagrid are both faking their enthusiasm for baby unicorns and I’m over here like “DON’T EVEN, Y’ALL. SOUNDS PRETTY CHILL.”
I GOT YOU, HARRY. FOR REAL, THOUGH. http://t.co/ictn4h0C
“Harry, just go down to the lake tomorrow, stick your head in, and yell at the merpeople to give back whatever they’ve nicked.” – Ron B4p486
Fred and George are like “McGonagall needs Ron and Hermione for something” so now Harry’s sitting alone like he’s Steven fucking Glansberg.
Dobby is poking Harry Potter. Making it weird.
The invisibility cloak slipped off while he was sleeping? YOUR INVISIBILITY CLOAK PRIVILEGES HAVE BEEN REVOKED, SON. EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
OMG 10 MINUTES UNTIL TASK 2 FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Dobby is like “You gotta get your Wheezy back from the merpeople” and Harry is like “For real, though. What the FUCK are you talking about?”
OH SHIT THOSE SNEAKY FUCKING MERPEOPLE TOOK RON, Y’ALL.
Dobby is trying to get Harry to smoke some weed before he jumps in the lake and Harry’s like “But what about my motor function?”
Harry is hoofin’ it to get to the lake and then he’s like “WHAT UP?” but Russian Prof and Mad Max are just like “Whatever, bro.”
Wait, so Harry’s not even going to drop trou’? He’s just going into the lake fully robed like “I HAVE BODY IMAGE ISSUES, OK?”
HARRY JUST GOT GILLS THAT’S DOPE AS FUCK.
More like Harry Cod-der, am I right, guys? I mean, right? Guys?
Oh shit, water demon came out of fucking nowhere. Got Harry by the ankles. HALP.
Harry’s just shooting hot water at the grindylows. Which is basically just the magical equivalent to peeing underwater.
Myrtle’s like “HARRY I DEFINITELY DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO BE HERE THIS IS SO FUNNY.” But she points the way for him so it’s chill.
These merpeople aren’t really the Disney version of mermaids. They’re kind of mostly terrifying.
OMG EVERYONE HARRY CARES ABOUT and a little blonde girl ARE TIED UP IN THIS MER-VILLAGE.
The mer-bro is like “Wait, dude. You can’t like, take both of them? Just take your boyfriend and get out of here.”
This is so weird. Cedric’s like “WHAT UP? We all got lost LOL. No worries though!”
Krum is half-human half shark on accident? That seems like something you should do on purpose.
Harry’s got his wand out like “COME AT ME, BRO” and the merpeople are like “Fuck it, let’s just go to Wendy’s” and they peace out.
Ron’s like “I hope you didn’t waste time down there trying to be a hero” and Harry’s like “That’s kind of my thing, though.”
RON GOT A KISS ON THE CHEEK FROM FLEUR AND HERMIONE IS SOOOOOOO JEALOUS.
Does anyone else think “hostage” is sort of an aggressive word choice? They’re really more like “underwater nappers.”
Ugh, Russian Prof is such a douche. I want drink all his vodka and drunk-text his wife.
CH 26: Harry can’t get his shit together for the 2nd task, Dobby gives him some weed just in time, and Harry is tied for 1st with C-diggs.
I don’t think I’ve made a single Arrested Development reference in these tweets yet. And for that, I sincerely apologize. I’ve made a huge mistake.
It’s Friday, thuggles. Time to drink too much firewhiskey and send some drunk owls.
Sorry for the hiatus, thuggles. That song that’s like “Everyday I’m hustlin” makes it sound so easy but it’s not. New chapter coming soon.[divider top="1"]
Either way, your regularly scheduled hustle will return RIGHT NOW, Y’ALL.
CHAPTER 27: PADFOOT RETURNS
Ron is letting this Task 2 business go to his head a little. Even though he like, wasn’t even awake.
People are teasing Hermione about “being the thing that Viktor Krum would most miss.” SHE’S NOT SOME PRIZE TO BE WON, VIKTOR.
Sirius texted Harry back like “Lets fucking meet at 2 on Saturday. And pick up some Burger King on the way cause I’m going 2 b starving.”
Oh for fuck’s sake. HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE JUST FRIENDS, RITA. HE MIGHT HAVE DREAMS ABOUT HER SOMETIMES BUT THAT’S TOTALLY NORMAL AND STUFF.
I thought Hermione was going to be more upset about being called a slutty WAG in that witch magazine but she was pretty chill about it.
OMG Viktor really did ask Hermione to visit him in Russia? Do you think they are moving 2 fast?
Ron is like “FOR REAL, THOUGH. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HIM? I WOULDN’T BE UPSET I JUST NEED TO KNOW. IT’S NOT A THING.”
Haha, Snape just split up the Triple Threat (that’s probably what I’m going to call them) so they don’t interrupt class anymore. Classic.
That happened to me in high school so many times because I definitely had friends and we would talk about things all the time.
Snape is trying to provoke Harry. He’s playing it cool, but I’m over here like “PUNCH HIM IN THE DICK, BRO. DO IT.”
Snape’s like “I know you broke into my office you little shit” and Harry’s like “I didn’t even so STFU” and Snape’s like “YOU DID, THOUGH.”
Snape’s like “You know what this shit is? It’s truth potion. It’d be like if you gave a sorority girl 5 vodka tonics. Truth bombs, dude.”
Harry’s like “If you dose me with truth potion, the only thing you’ll learn is that I think you’re a sexually repressed douche bag.”
Ha, out of ALL the secrets Harry is keeping, the one he’s worried about Snape finding is that he’s got it bad for Cho? Please.
Although, that would be pretty funny. Snape would be like “She’s way out of your league, Potter. That’s literally the funniest thing ever.”
I mean, probably – “He wondered whether he should take a leaf out of Moody’s book and start drinking only from a private hip flask.” B4p518
So Russian Prof bombs into Potions class like “Professor Snape, I have a very important question about potions *wink* I need to ask you.”
I’m going to laugh so hard if this dog they are chasing isn’t Sirius.
WHAT UP, BUCKBEAK?
Sirius, I know you are in hiding or whatever, but that ragged coat you are wearing right now is a FASHION EMERGENCY.
“Chicken!” – Sirius Black B4p521
Dude, Crouch used to run a pretty TIGHT ship. “Look, if you like, find a death eater or whatever, just murder the fuck out of them ok?”
OH SHIT BARTY CROUCH’S SON MAY OR MAY NOT BE A DEATH EATER. I’LL KEEP YOU POSTED.
OMG Crouch just left his son’s body at Azkaban? The Dementors are like “Bro, are you serious? OK, I guess we’ll like, bury him and shit.”
My whole thing is, we all do stupid stuff when we’re 19, you know? Like, I had sideburns past my ears for a while. We just can’t help it.
Oh man, we’re all just hanging out, eating chicken, drinking pumpkin juice, talking shit about Snape behind his back. I love it.
Sirius is insisting that they call him Snuffles. Makin’ it weird.
CH 27: Snape threatens Harry with some truth potion, the gang meets with Sirius, and they gossip about everyone but nothing really happens.
You guys, I am completely aware that the character Viktor Krum is from Bulgaria, and that Bulgaria and Russia are not the same place.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 28: THE MADNESS OF MR. CROUCH
If the illustration at the beginning of the chapter is any indication, we’re about to be dealing with a drunk chihuahua.
They go down to the kitchens to give Dobby his new socks, which is chill, and then Ron goes balls deep in some eclairs for second breakfast.
Harry’s like “Could we get some extra food for my dogfather?” And the house elves are like “We will slaughter a herd of buffalo right away!”
OH SHIT. I know I made a joke earlier but Winky is ACTUALLY hitting the sauce, huh? NO JUDGEMENTS, GIRL.
Okay, obviously Winky isn’t Facebook stalking Mr. Crouch because she has no fucking idea what’s going on in his life right now.
Winky is about to tell Crouch’s secret and I’m over here like “Fuck the butterbeer, give her some tequila. That oughta grease the wheels.”
Dobby is like “YOU BETTER PUMP THE BREAKS, WINKY. HARRY POTTER ISN’T NOSY.” And I’m like “Well. He kind of is, though, right?”
Ugh, Hermione can’t keep her mouth shut about elf rights and now all the elves are like “Pack up your knives and go.”
We had such a good thing going with this after-hours kitchen access. Eclairs. Ham. Tequila. I’m really upset about this.
Haha, Hermione is getting hate mail from anonymous fangirls like “Harry is 2 good 4 U, slut.”
Oh shit, one of them has undiluted bubotuber pus. FANGIRLS DON’T FUCK AROUND, AM I RIGHT?
Nifflers sound dope as fuck.
Okay, so a niffler went after Pansy Parkinson’s watch but realized it was a knockoff, so the other girls in class are talking shit now.
Really kind of shocked that Draco didn’t make some bullshit comment about Ron getting the most coins.
Hagrid was getting hate mail too, for being a giant I guess. One of them said he should do the right thing and jump in the lake.
And that reminded me of a dude who told me I should drown myself after I made those jokes about dubstep awhile back. IT WAS ADORABLE.
Ron just made a hard left turn and is getting pissed about Harry having so much money he doesn’t notice when it’s gone. Mo’ money, mo’ problems.
Ron is very confused about the concept of “bugging” someone to listen into conversations. They should just watch the first season of The Wire.
Ha, that’s kind of lazy – “All the substitutes for magic Muggles use go haywire around Hogwarts, there’s too much magic in the air.” B4p548
Oh fuck, Mrs. Weasley is totally throwing shade at Hermione for being a trollop in the form of a tiny Easter egg. Hittin her where it hurts.
Percy finally texts them back like “He’s working from home. I think u guys are rly annoying for asking.” He Percy’d it, basically.
Ludo wants a shady meet-up at the quidditch field to talk about task 3. Probably gonna sell some weed to a 5th year burnout right after.
FROM THE LOOK OF THE THINGS THE 3RD TASK IS GOING TO BE LANDSCAPING.
For real, though. This maze sounds pretty anticlimactic. They might as well just see who can get the highest score on Pac-Man or some shit.
Whoa, now Viktor is grilling Harry about Hermione and Harry’s like “WTF do you want to like, check our texts or whatever?”
OH SHIT CROUCH IS JUST FUCKING WANDERING AROUND IN THE WOODS LIKE A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.
Crouch is like “I’ve done a stupid thing.” But I don’t think he means like, buying a pair of those toe-shoes or whatever.
Crouch is rambling about escaping, and that Bertha Jorkins and his son were his fault. Krum is like “Just give him vodka. He’ll be fine.”
Snape was being a total snapehole, but we finally got Dumbledore in the mix. And it’s funny how that just kind of makes you feel better.
WTF, you guys? Now Crouch has up and disappeared and Krum is knocked the fuck out. COULD SOMEONE GET A HOLD OF THE SITUATION, PLEASE?
Hagrid shows up out of nowhere with his fucking crossbow like “Everyone chill the fuck out. I got this.”
Now Moody is in the mix, which is throwing up some major red flags. But he also said that Snape mentioned something about Crouch.
OH SHIT, HAGRID JUST HULKED RUSSIAN PROF INTO A TREE THAT WAS DOPE AS FUCK.
CH 28: Crouch is back in the mix, but disappears just as quickly. Basically all kinds of shit happens and everyone is pissed at each other.
“The Chamber of Secrets has been opened, y’all. Enemies of the heir should probably peace the fuck out. “
I have to give up my Dark Knight Rises ticket because a client meeting got pushed to later in the day. BEING AN ADULT PERSON IS THE WORST.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 29: THE DREAM
Okay, so the Triple Threat is working out this Crouch clusterfuck, and Harry’s like “He disapparated?” and Hermione is like “OMG, YOU CAN’T.”
Ron’s like “What if Krum, like, attacked Crouch, right? But then, WAIT FOR IT, he stunned himself. BOOM. SOLVED.” He didn’t solve it, though.
Okay, so Fred and George show up, and I’m like “WHAT UP?” But then it gets really weird. There’s talk of blackmail. And payoffs.
Oh shit, George is like “You’re starting to act like Percy, Ron” and it’s basically the best burn I can think of. I would be so insulted.
It’s nice to see that the Wizard legal system takes blackmail as serious as the regular legal system. BE CAREFUL, FRED AND GEORGE.
Hermione, Ron is not going to tell Percy. BROS BEFORE GENERALLY PRETTY ANNOYING AND SUBSTANTIALLY LESS COOL BROS.
Moody’s like “Granger, you would be a pretty dope Auror, probably.” And Hermione’s like “YOU’RE RIGHT IT WOULD BE THE END OF RULE BREAKING.”
Moody’s like “The 3rd task is basically like all that shit you did at the end of Book 1, remember?” And Harry’s like “Yeah, bro.”
Okay, so Sirius texts Harry back like “What even, Harry? U can’t go into the woods at night. The fuck is wrong with u?”
THAT’S BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS WAIT UNTIL THE END OF THE BOOK. HOW ARE YOU NOT GETTING THIS? – “No one’s tried to attack me all year.” – Harry
Harry’s actually got a pretty good riff going of scenarios where people COULD have murdered the fuck out of him but didn’t.
So we are practicing stunning spells on Ron and Hermione and Ron’s like “Can’t we just fucking use Filch’s cat? OR DOBBY. HE’D BE SO CHILL.”
The Impediment Curse: Like fucking pepper spray but better, probably.
So Hipster Prof is like “The future is so mainstream now, let’s just focus on the present. You know? THE NOW.” And it’s boring.
HARRY’S TRIPPING BALLS, Y’ALL. RIDING ON THE BACK OF AN EAGLE OWL AND SHIT.
Okay, so I think this is one of those “bad trips” because now’s he’s kickin’ it at the Riddle House with V-mort and The Worm.
Voldemort was going to feed Wormtail to Nagini. Would he have been in Rat form? Because that would be pretty normal, all things considered.
Hipster Prof is like “Honestly this is the first time one of my class activities has worked. So this is pretty exciting.”
The gargoyle outside Dumbledore’s office is like “Name?” and Harry’s like “Potter. I’m on the list.” And the gargoyle’s like “I don’t think so, bro.”
Hustle Tip: If you need to get into Dumbledore’s office, the password is “Cockroach Cluster.” Don’t tell Neville.
Fudge and Moody are in Dumbledore’s office whispering about some shit including Mad Max, and then Moody’s like “Fucking Potter’s here.”
CH 29: Harry starts practicing for Task 3, Hipster Prof gives him some LSD, and nobody seems to know what the fuck is going on.
OMG MY ADULT BEVERAGES KEEP DISAPPARATING. I guess I’ll just have to order a couple more. Happy Friday, thuggles.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 30: THE PENSIEVE
So everyone’s in Dumbledore’s office like “WHAT UP, HARRY?” and Harry’s like “Well, it’s almost the end of the book, so all kinds of shit.”
Oh, they’re just leaving Harry in Dumbledore’s office unattended? I’M SURE HE’LL JUST SIT THERE QUIETLY AND READ A MAGAZINE.
WHAT UP, FAWKES? Thanks again for tearing the eyes out of that Rooster Snake. That was so fucking dope.
Harry wants to stick his hand into this unknown substance in, but FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS FUCKING LIFE thinks it might be a bad idea.
But he’s like “fuck it” and just stirs it around with his wand instead. COMPROMISES, Y’ALL.
I think Harry’s still feeling the effects of that LSD because he’s like, looking down into a room through this unknown substance.
OH WHAT EVEN? Dumbledore’s office is like “Woops! LOL” and knocks Harry headfirst into this basin thing? Now Harry’s in this LSD room.
Okay, I think this is sort of like Tom Riddle’s Netflix diary, because it seems like Harry’s just watching an event that’s already happened.
Oh shit this is like the appeal hearing for Igor Karkaroff. Crouch is like “Okay, we’ve all seen Law and Order so we know how this works.”
Moody’s in the mix like “Seriously, fuck this Russian douche bag. Let’s hear what he has to say and then waterboard the shit out of him.”
None of these names are working for Karkaroff. One has already been captured and the other is dead. He’s like “THE FUCK? FOR REAL, THOUGH?”
Augustus Rockwood’s day is about to get ruined.
OH WHAT THE SHIT SNAPE IS A DOUBLE AGENT?
Alright, we’re watching a different episode of this memory now.
It’s the trial of Bagman now. He’s like “I promise I’m not a traitor, I’m just really fucking stupid.”
OH FUCK, BARTY CROUCH’S SON CRUCIO’D THE SHIT OUT OF FRANK LONGBOTTOM.
Ha, Dumbledore is in the memory too, like “Maybe we should go back to my office.” and Harry’s like “WTF HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?”
This pensieve sounds great for piecing together a night of excessive drinking.
Harry’s like “How did you know about my scar hurting over the summer?” and Dumbledore’s like “What do you think Sirius and I text about?”
“You guys are probably like, fucking connected by that scar or some shit. I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here.” – Dumbledore, probably.
Man, this shit with Neville’s parents is HEAVY. Harry’s like “I kind of feel like a pretty big asshole now.” We all do, Harry. We all do.
Dumbledore is like “Look, I can’t really get into the details, but Snape is a chill bro. You’ll just have to trust me on that.”
CH 30: The pensieve shows us Dumbledore’s memories concerning Karkaroff, Crouch’s son, Snape, and Ludo. And it’s fucking educational.[divider top="1"]
I would never tell Harry a secret of mine. Within minutes he’s told Hermione and Ron everything, and also managed to get an owl to Sirius.
But anyway, the Triple Threat is trying to put the pieces together. Ron’s like “Snape is a good guy? What about his stupid face, though?”
Harry comes to the realization that Voldemort ruined all these families and I’m over here like “Yeah, bro. That’s been a thing for awhile.”
Harry’s like “I’m going to make the Third Task my bitch.” And I’m over here like “GREAT, KID. DON’T GET COCKY.”
Tired of walking in on Harry, Hermione, and Ron all over the school, McGonagall gave them permission to use the Transfiguration classroom.
Harry is LEVELING UP, you guys. He’s got the Impediment Curse, the Reductor Curse, and the Four-Point Spell in his repertoire.
Draco is like, talking into his hand or some shit. Crabbe and Goyle are on lookout. No one seems to give a shit, though.
Sirius is texting Harry everyday now. He’s kind of making himself TOO available, you know? Harry’s like “I think I need some space, girl.”
I have a scoop for Rita Skeeter: “DO NOT TRUST RITA SKEETER. SHE IS A FUGLY SLUT.”
Hermione thinks she knows how Rita is listening in, so she peaces out the library. Classic.
Also, it’s “Bring your Families to Work”day for the Triwizard champs. I bet Fleur’s parents are so fucking pretentious.
OH FUCK YES MRS. WEASLEY AND BILL ARE HERE. THIS IS SO GREAT.
Fleur is flashing “do me” eyes at Bill, and I’m over here like “YEAH, BILL! GET IT.”
Amos Diggory is like “I don’t understand why you’re always trending on Twitter when my more handsome son is a Hogwarts Champion too.”
Hermione is like “Oh, hey Mrs. Weasley.” And Mrs. Weasley’s like “Oh, hey tramp. Did you break anyone’s heart on your way here?”
They’re eating a giant feast BEFORE the first task? Cedric’s like “I hope they’ve placed toilets sporadically throughout that maze, bro.”
HUSTLE EMERGENCY: Some words have been redacted from p620 of my book. I think the government may be involved. http://t.co/XstFIBX7
THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
“If you get into difficulty and wish to be rescued, send red sparks into the air, and one of us will come and get you.” – McGonagall B1p620
OH SHIT THERE’S A DEMENTOR, Y’ALL.
False alarm. Just a boggart. But wouldn’t “Riddikulus” turn it into something hilarious? It just exploded.
Harry is like, upside down or some shit. It actually sounds pretty dope. Don’t shoot your red sparks, bro. Let’s ride this one out.
Harry pepper-sprayed that skrewt just in time!
KRUM IS CRUCIO-ING CEDRIC? THAT COMMUNIST BASTARD.
So Harry’s at the sphinx. She’s like “The quickest way is past me.” And Harry’s like “So will you like, move?” And she’s like “NOPE LOL!”
Harry’s like “Could you repeat that a little slower, please?” And the sphinx is like “OH FOR F- Seriously? Okay, I guess.”
For real, though. Spider? A fucking spider? That was pretty anticlimactic.
Oh shit, Harry and Cedric are basically just in a 100m sprint for the cup, and a giant spider shows up like “HAY GUYS!”
Harry, I know it’s not your thing, but you need to stop helping other people and just win this thing. Cedric would’ve been so fucked.
This is so frustrating. Harry’s like “Take the cup.” And Cedric’s like “No, you take it LOL!” and Harry’s like “FOR REAL, THOUGH. TAKE IT.”
A TIE? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
They both pick up the cup and it turns out to be a portkey BUM BUM BUM.
CH 31: Krum uses the Crucio Curse (and JKR mentions like 6 times how this is so surprising), and Cedric and Harry get portkeyed somewhere.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 32: FLESH, BLOOD, AND BONE
So the portkey dropped them off in some graveyard in the middle of fucking nowhere. SO FAR SO GOOD, RIGHT? I’M SURE IT’S FINE.
Cedric’s like “Did anyone tell you it was a portkey?” And Harry’s like “YEAH DUDE, THIS IS WHERE THE CELEBRATION IS TAKING PLACE. SURPRISE.”
Okay, so they see someone else in the graveyard, and Harry’s scar just starts going nuts.
HOLY SHIT THEY JUST MURDERED THE FUCK OUT OF CEDRIC DIGGORY.
“Kill the spare.” B4p638
I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL KILL YOU.
Ugh, Wormtail. You insufferable fucking rat.
Wormtail has bound Harry to Tom Riddle’s headstone. It’s uh, it’s not looking good. If I’m being honest.
I don’t think that’s a baby, Harry.
WHAT UP, NAGINI? TERRIFYING AS USUAL? AS YOU WERE.
Okay, now we have a Costco-sized cauldron in the mix.
Wow, the description of this robe creature makes Moody seem like Ryan Gosling in comparison.
So Wormtail like, cut something off his body? I really hope it was just like, another finger or whatever.
Oh man, his whole hand! DAYUM.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, VOLDEMORT.
CH 32: Cedric is dead : ( AND VOLDEMORT, Y’ALL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 33: THE DEATH EATERS
I’m sorry, but I have to do this. It’s just a thing, and we don’t have to talk about it again. WHAT UP, VOLDEMORT?
“The red eyes, whose pupils were slits, like a cat’s, gleamed still more brightly through the darkness. His expression rapt and exultant. “
Wait, did he like, pull OUT Wormtail’s arm? Because that would be so fucking metal.
“He didn’t like magic, my father. SO I MURDERED HIM UNTIL HE WAS DEAD.”
Parenting tip: Let your child read this book, and then say “I SMELL GUILT” when you know the kid has done something but won’t admit it.
LEAVE DUMBLEDORE OUT OF THIS, BRO. THAT DUDE IS CHILL.
Some dude named Avery just got crucio’d in front of everybody. Making it weird.
Well that’s just sort of a grumpy philosophy! You know? – “You ask for forgiveness? I do not forgive. I do not forget.” – Voldemort B4p649
Ugh, Wormtail got his hand back. I liked him better when he was bloody and screaming.
WHAT UP, LUCIUS? THIS IS EXACTLY YOUR KIND OF PARTY YOU SNIVELING ASSHOLE.
Lucius is like “On the contrary, My Lord! I’ve been eagerly waiting for that Muggle-torture position you promised me. SOUNDED GREAT.”
Oh man, I bet the Lestranges are in Azkiban right now like “WHAT UP? VOLDEMORT IS BACK THIS IS DOPE AS FUCK.”
It sounds like Voldemort is going to recruit the dementors, and even get some of those banished giants in the mix. Quite the little team.
HAHA, IT’S THE KING SIZE VERSIONS OF CRABBE AND GOYLE.
He said his most faithful servant is at Hogwarts. The only one I’m not really worried about is Snape, as it were.
“The end of ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’ was a low point for me. I’ll admit it. Those were some dark days.” – Voldemort
Oh shit, so Harry can’t be harmed when he’s at the Dursleys? He’s probably like “Fuck it, I’ll just take my chances.”
Seriously, Voldemort? You’re going to Crucio Harry when he’s all tied up and shit? THAT’S NOT BRO CODE.
“I am now going to prove my power by killing him. The 14 year old boy tied to the gravestone. BECAUSE I AM POWERFUL AND I NEED TO PROVE IT.”
Nagini’s like “So are we going to do this? Because I’m starving, dude.” And Voldemort is like “OMG DON’T RUSH ME. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS.”
Oh man, there’s going to be a Wizard Duel. I just hope Harry doesn’t try to use THE FUCKING TICKLE SPELL HE USED ON MALFOY.
CH 33: We get some insight into the Death Eaters, Voldemort gives his Bond villain wrap-up speech, and there’s going to be a fucking duel.[divider top="1"]
Getting an early start tonight since we’re doing two chapters. YES YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. TWO CHAPTERS, Y’ALL.
CHAPTER 34: PRIORI INCANTATEM
Wormtail’s hand is actually silver and not just skin? Might as well make it white with sequins. START MOONWALKING UP IN THIS BITCH.
Harry wants to run for it but he’s like “UGH, MY LEG IS INJURED. AND I’M COMPLETELY UNATHLETIC. AND I’M SURROUNDED BY DUDES WHO KNOW MAGIC.”
Voldemort is like “You know how to duel, right? Basically we’ll bow to each other and then I’m going to end your life. Make sense?”
“Bow to death, Harry.” B4p660
Harry’s getting Crucio’d. Voldemort’s like “Did that hurt?” And Harry’s like “NOPE IT FELT LIKE A SWEDISH MASSAGE FROM YOUR MOTHER.”
OH NICE. Harry’s like “Imperio this, you bald fuck” and grabs his crotch.
Whew, okay. Harry is taking a breather behind the gravestone. Voldemort’s like “LOL What are you doing? This isn’t hide and seek, bro.”
Voldemort and Harry are uh, they’re crossing streams. Makin’ it weird.
Harry’s like “You know what this duel could use? Some dope fucking music.” And he plugs his iPod in. NOW PLAYING: PHOENIX SONG
Okay, some weird things are coming out of Voldemort’s wand at the moment. The ghost of C-diggs is like “WHAT UP?”
This must be just really awkward for Voldemort because the ghosts of all the people he’s offed in the past year are coming out of his wand.
OH FUCK, YOU GUYS. HARRY’S PARENTS ARE COMING TO WATCH THE DUEL. THIS SHIT IS GETTING EMOTIONAL.
The ghosts are blocking for Harry who COULD. GO. ALL. THE. WAY. PORTKEY!
HOLY SHIT that was intense, but I think we’re good. You guys can let go of my hand, now.
CH 34: Harry and Voldemort’s wand are connected through a mysterious beam of light. The ghosts of Voldemort’s victims get Harry the fuck out.
Okay, we don’t have to make this a thing, but I have to get my clothes out of the dryer real quick. Hold up.
I’m back. READY FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER? WOOPS, DON’T CARE BECAUSE I’M GOING TO READ IT ANYWAY.[divider top="1"]
Harry is like “Dumbledore, I don’t want to make it weird, but you are just the bro I want to see right now.”
Everyone is like “C-diggs is dead!” and Harry’s like “This is NOT what it looks like, okay? Well I mean, it kind of is. LONG STORY.”
: ( – “Harry, you can’t help him now. it’s over. Let go.” – Dumbledore B4p671
Oh shit, Mad Eye is carrying him out of the crowd? HARRY, LOOK OUT BRO.
“Decent people are so easy to manipulate, Potter” – Moody, but I mean, probably not Moody B4p676
Dumbledore’s like “Snape, get your truth potion” and Snape is like “YOU MEAN THE POTION I DIDN’T THREATEN POTTER WITH? OKAY, I’LL GET IT.”
Oh shit, the real Moody was in that chest/sex dungeon this whole time? That’s pretty fucked up.
BARTY CROUCH’S SON WTF?
So uh, the Crouch family sort of had a stretch there where they weren’t making great decisions. That’s sort of what I’m getting here.
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WINKY! NOT YOU TOO, GIRL.
Okay, so Barty Crouch Sr. is dead. Winky’s not taking it so well.
CH 35: Moody is actually Barty Crouch, and Barty Crouch murdered Barty Crouch. NORMAL STUFF.
I don’t always make sweet love, but when I do, I prefer my Harry Potter book.[divider top="1"]
Today I was thinking about how awkward that graveyard must’ve been right after Harry peaced the fuck out.
All the death eaters just like, looking at the ground. Voldemort making excuses like “Crabbe fucking tripped me! Goyle, you saw, right??”
CHAPTER 36: THE PARTING OF WAYS
Does anyone else get like, a little turned on when Dumbledore gives orders that people follow without question? It can’t just be me.
Wow, so JKR kind of just recaps all the shit Harry’s seen in the last couple hours. And it’s soooo much worse in list form.
Harry’s like “Sirius, don’t take this the wrong way, but could you turn back into a dog? I think I need that right now.”
So Dumbledore is like “Okay, give us the 411, betch.” And Sirius is like “That can wait, right?”And Dumbledore’s like “Not really, though.”
“He took a deep breath and began to tell them. As he spoke, visions of everything that had passed that night seemed to rise before his eyes.”
Harry gets to the part about being cut by Wormtail and Sirius is just like “THE FUCK? I’M GOING TO SLIT HIS FUCKING THROAT. TWICE.”
Harry’s like “Voldemort could touch me this time.” Dumbledore’s like “DID he touch you?” And Harry’s like “Yeah. He made it pretty weird.”
Sirius is like “Your wands connected?” And Harry gets defensive like “WE DIDN’T TOUCH TIPS IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE ASKING.”
Harry’s got a little Fawkes in his wand. That’s pretty dope.
So when sibling wands are forced to do battle they’re just kinda like “Hey do you think we could all take a breath here and just chill out?”
Priori Incantatem is blowing my mind right now. It’s like looking through a wand’s browser history.
OMG YOU GUYS FAWKES CRYING ON HARRY’S LEG. I CAN’T.
Mrs. Weasley’s “mother” instincts are kicking into overdrive but Dumbledore’s like “MOLLY, PUMP THE BREAKS. FOR REAL, THOUGH.”
Dumbledore’s like “This dog will be chillin’ with Harry tonight. It’s well trained against the dark arts OOPS I MEAN IT’S WELL TRAINED LOL.”
CORNELIUS FUDGE, ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU FUCKING COWARD. YOU ARE SO BAD AT YOUR JOB IT’S RIDICULOUS.
Barty Crouch and that dementor were making out like a couple of teenagers at a Yule Ball.
OMG Minerva is so angry right now. It’s really doing it for me.
Dumbledore is like “Let me explain to you how fucking evidence works, since you’ve apparently never seen a courtroom drama.”
Dumbledore just dropped the Voldemort bomb on Fudge – “He looked as though someone had just swung a heavy weight into his face.” B4p703
I want the dog version of Sirius to bite Fudge’s balls off and then I want the human version to make a witty joke about him not having balls.
Dumbledore’s like “You’re really gonna want to fire the dementors, befriend the giants, and then fire yourself, probably.”
“We have reached a parting of the ways. You must act as you see fit. And I – I shall act as I see fit.” – THE DUMBLEDOZER B4p709
DUMBLEDORE! THE KING OF THE NORTH!
Oh man, Snape shows Fudge his half-sleeve of tats like “You see this? It’s The Dark Mark. I’m about to post this shit on Instagram.”
Man, Dumbledore is orchestrating this whole Rebel Alliance situation like a boss and he STILL has the presence of mind to think about Winky.
YOU HAVE MY SHIELD, DUMBLEDORE.
Sirius comes out of dog form like “WHAT UP?” And Snape is like “NOPE! FUCK THAT SHIT. THIS GUY IS A TOTAL DOUCHE.”
They shake hands, but Snape is like “I’m not going to accept your LinkedIn request” and Sirius is like “Whatever dude. Your Tumblr blows.”
Ha, we’re recruiting someone named Mundungus Fletcher? We should probably stick him in Right Field or something.
CH 36: Harry tells Dumbledore what happened, Barty Crouch played tonsil hockey with a dementor, and Fudge’s cowardice forces a dope faction.
I’m going to grab an adult beverage real quick. It would mean a lot to me if you guys joined me for the final chapter of the book.
Sorry for making it weird.[divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 37: THE BEGINNING
Harry is talking to the Diggoys. WOULD YOU GUYS PLEASE STOP CUTTING ONIONS OVER THERE? I’M TRYING TO READ.
Nobody wants to accept the prize money. I think they should donate it it to the “Cornelius Fudge’s Backbone Foundation.”
Mad Max and Hagrid aren’t Facebook official but they’re always liking each other’s status updates so you know there’s something there.
HAGRID I CAN’T HANDLE YOUR SPEECH RIGHT NOW. Could you guys please just throw back some beers and play Call of Duty for awhile instead?
I may or may not have done this just now – “I would like you all, please, to stand, and raise your glasses, to Cedric Diggory.”
Let me clear my throat for this *ahem* FUCK YOU, MALFOY. IF YOU DON’T STAND UP AND DRINK TO HARRY I WILL BREAK YOUR CHICKEN BONE LEGS.
Fleur’s like “I’m hoping to get a job here to improve my English” and Ron’s like “I think you’re fine. I MEAN I THINK YOUR ENGLISH IS FINE.”
Ron couldn’t let Krum leave without making it extremely, painfully weird. He asked for his autograph.
YOU’LL ASK KRUM FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH BUT YOU CAN’T JUST FAVORITE ONE OF HERMIONE’S TWEETS EVERY ONCE AND AWHILE TO SHOW YOU CARE?
RITA SKEETER IS A COCKROACH, BASICALLY.
Hermione, I will do sick, unforgivable things in exchange for that jar with Rita Skeeter in it.
Oh man, everyone just hexed the shit out of Draco, Crabbe, Goyle. That was so fucking satisfying.
For awhile I suspected Bagman of being part of all this. Turns out he was just a petty low-life.
“But as he had learned the hard way that year, time will not slow down when something unpleasant lies ahead.” B4p732
Wait, why? The ones he has now are dope as fuck – “Just do me one favor. Buy Ron some different dress robes and say they’re from you.”
And off to the Dursleys you go! Dudley lost so much weight while you were gone! (No he didn’t.)
THAT’S THE END OF HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE.
I just want to say that I’m a little overwhelmed by how much you guys are enjoying this. I’m proud to call each of you Thuggles.
You are all dope as fuck. You are all chill bros. Collectively you are my patronus. Thank you so much for the hustle. For real, though.