WHAT UP, THUGGLES? DID YOU FORGET THIS WAS A THING?
I’m going to be starting HP5 tonight. Tell your friends. Tell your mom. Tell your cat. And your other cat since you have two, probably.
I sort of maybe missed you guys a little bit. I didn’t want to make it weird right out of the gate, but it’s whatever.
Now starting HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
OMG please tell me that title means what I think it means. But like, don’t tell me because I was being rhetorical.
It’s hot as fuck in England right now. Just to give you some context.
Page 1 and we already have a FASHION EMERGENCY – “His jeans were torn and dirty, his T-shirt baggy and faded.”
Actually, never mind. Except for the baggy shirt he probably looks pretty dope.
If Dudley is popular it’s because the other kids are afraid he will eat them if they don’t invite him to stuff.
Why is Harry so interested in the news? DOESN’T HE KNOW THE FUCKING OLYMPICS ARE ON?
So there was a loud sound, I guess. And the situation deteriorated pretty quickly from there. Vernon’s trying to choke him out, WWE style.
Harry’s like “The owls don’t bring me the news, Vernon. It’s how wizards comment on YouTube videos.”
Oh shit, that sound was from someone apparating or disapparating? WE’RE NOT ALONE, THUGGLES.
What? Hermione is just having sleepovers at Ron’s house all summer? I bet the sexual tension is PALPABLE.
Harry, we go through this at the beginning of every book. EVERYONE STILL THINKS YOU’RE A CHILL BRO. REEL IT IN.
Dudley being a boxer is probably the most unbelievable thing in this series so far. For real, though.
WHAT UP, BIG D?
I’M NOT EITHER, BRO. DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT – “What d’you mean, I’m not brave in bed?” B5p14
“They were surrounded by total, impenetrable darkness, as though some giant hand had dropped a thick, icy mantle over the entire alleyway.”
Oh man, Harry just took a right cross to the face from Dudley. He’s like “SERIOUSLY, BRO?”
Those dementors get one look at Dudley and they’re like “Holy shit. We’re going to need more guys.”
The dementor that’s working on Dudley is like “THIS IS GOING STRAIGHT TO MY THIGHS.”
WHAT UP, MRS. FIGG? I love that we’re already hating on Mundungus Fletcher. I could totally tell that dude was going to be a spare.
CH 1: Harry’s angsty about everything and some Dementor almost blows all of its Weight Watchers points on Dudley.
Since you guys have been so patient (not really, though) I’m going to do one more tonight. Be back in a few minutes. [divider top="1"]
Mrs. Figg is like “I’m a Squib, so it’s a good thing Mr. Tibbles was on the case!” And Harry’s like “YOU MEAN THE FUCKING CAT?”
Mrs. Figg is stressing me the fuck out, you guys. Bitch needs to take a shot of firewhiskey or some shit.
Oh man, ‘dungus just shows up smelling like the inside of a dive bar like “S’up, Figgy?” You know, I may have misjudged him. He seems pretty chill.
DUDLEY JUST VOMED EVERYWHERE OMG.
I can’t – “What did he do to you, Diddy? Was it, was it you know what? Did he use his THING?” – Petunia B5p26
YOU CAN’T EXPEL HARRY. IF YOU EXPEL HARRY I WILL EXPEL YOUR UGLY FACE FROM YOUR STUPID BODY.
Harry just got a text from Arthur like “Harry I kno this looks bad but u have 2 stay at the Dursleys. D-dore is shorting this shit out.”
Petunia knows what Azkaban is. Everyone’s like “HOLY SHIT, FOR REAL THOUGH?” And she’s like “It’s on ABC Family like every 4 hours.”
So close, JKR. You should just go for it. It feels so fucking good – “Enough – effing – OWLS.” – Vernon Dursley B5p32
Vernon is like “Harry, pack your knives and go.”
Oh shit, Petunia just got a howler. OPEN IT, PETUNIA.
“REMEMBER MY LAST, PETUNIA.”
Petunia changes her tune like “You can stay, but you can’t use our Netflix account anymore, understood?”
CH 2: Mrs. Figg freaks out on ‘dungus, the Dursleys clearly haven’t read books 1-4, and Petunia gets an enigmatic howler.
I don’t always drink butterbeer. But when I do, I wish it was firewhiskey. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 3: THE ADVANCE GUARD
Harry just sent a group text to Hermione, Ron, and Sirius that was just like “COULD SOME1 TELL ME WTF IS GOING ON, PLZ? FOR REAL, THO.”
Harry’s being a total dick to Hedwig for no reason and she just flies off rolling her eyes like “UGH, TEENAGERS.”
So Harry has locked himself in his room for 3 days straight just like, listening to screamo records on repeat and hating everything.
Oh shit, the Dursleys are peacing out. TIME TO RAID THE LIQUOR CABINET, BRO. YOU KNOW THE DRILL.
Harry hears a noise downstairs and his first thought is that it’s burglars? THIS ISN’T FUCKING ‘HOME ALONE.’ IT’S PROBABLY MORE DEMENTORS.
WHAT UP, MOODY?
Oh shit, this is probably pretty awkward now, huh? It’s like, he knew Moody all last year but he didn’t really KNOW Moody.
Harry’s like “This is so weird. Last time I saw you, you were passed out in Barty Crouch’s sex dungeon. WHAT UP?”
LUPIN’S IN THE MIX, Y’ALL.
Harry’s like “And the last time I saw YOU, you tried to murder me, my best friends, and my godfather LOL!”
WTF there are like 100 wizards in the kitchen right now. They’re like “The Dursleys are gone, so we assumed you’d be throwing a kegger.”
WHAT UP, NYMPHA- What? Oh, okay. No problem. WHAT UP, TONKS?
What a fucking shock – “They’re relentlessness was starting to annoy him.” B5p51
Is it just me, or does Tonks like, want it bad from Harry? For real, though.
She’s being all self-deprecating about her hair in the mirror, fishing for compliments. CLASSIC.
Moody is like “I need to Disillusion you” and Harry’s like “Look at my life, bro. I’m already pretty disillusioned.” And Moody’s like “Ugh.”
“Look, if we all die, just keep flying East. It’s fine. Just don’t be a pussy about it, okay?” – Moody, basically.
Alright, after a long, Presidential Motorcade of a broom ride, we’ve arrived at the Order of the Phoenix.
CH 3: Harry finally “gets” Arcade Fire lyrics, being locked in his room for 3 days, and a small army of wizards escorts him to the Phoenix.
Not sure if I’m hungover or if I’m just old.
It’s Friday, thuggles. Break out your sluttiest dress robes and break some hearts.
And then he remembered that he had Aladdin recorded on the DVR. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 4: NUMBER TWELVE, GRIMMAULD PLACE
You guys I don’t think 12 Grimmauld Place exists OH WAIT THERE IT IS OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE.
From the sound of things, the Order of the Phoneix as a group don’t seem to have great vision for interior design.
WHAT UP, MRS. WEASLEY. HOW YOU BEEN, GIRL?
“Oh, sorry bro. You can’t come to the meeting. MEMBERS ONLY, BITCH.” – Mrs. Weasley
Molly wants Harry to be quiet so they don’t wake anything up. I get the feeling she’s probably not talking about a litter of puppies.
OH SHIT. We got a bunch of house-elf heads mounted on plaques. Whoever owns this house is SO METAL.
Hermione just fucking tackles Harry like she’s an outside linebacker. Ron’s like “I really wish she’d do that to me.”
Hot- “Ron seemed to have grown several more inches during their month apart, making him taller and more gangly looking than ever.” -B5p62
Don’t worry guys, it only took Harry about 4 pages to start being a dick this chapter. IT WAS TOUCH-AND-GO THERE FOR A MINUTE.
Harry’s just recapping the last 4 books in all-caps. THAT’S SORT OF MY THING, BRO.
And it’s like, he was only at the Dursleys for like three weeks. That’s like, 2 and a half seasons of LOST. Stop complaining.
Oh thank God. Fred and George are here to relieve some tension. May their fart bombs be plentiful and potent.
SNAPE’S IN THE BUILDING, Y’ALL. LOOKING AT EVERYONE DISAPPROVINGLY, PROBABLY.
Bill and Fleur are totally DOING IT OMG.
Goodbye, Percy. You will probably not be missed even a little. Have fun douchin’ it up at the ministry with your golf buddies!
Okay, so apparently Fudge has pulled some strings and all the celebrity gossip blogs are turning on Harry. He’s like a Kardashian now.
Tonks knocked over the umbrella stand and I think some Nickleback started blaring because everyone is covering their ears.
WTF this painting is such a bitch why don’t they put it on Craigslist or something?
OMG SIRIUS BLACK’S MOM IS A MEAN PAINTING, YOU GUYS.
CH 4: Harry’s reunited with everyone in a sweet house that appears out of nowhere, we learn about the Order, and there’s a lot of caps lock. [divider top="1"]
Okay, I guess the portrait of Sirius’ mom is just like, glued to the wall? He’s like “Yeah, bitch is on there pretty good. OH WELL, LOL.”
OH SHIT, WE UP IN SIRIUS’ HOME Y’ALL. Somewhere in this place is his childhood room with a “Saved by the Bell” poster and a Super Nintendo.
Mundungus is just fucking passed out drunk and when they wake him up he starts smoking a bowl or some shit. Dude needs to reel it in.
Harry’s complaining about his summer being lame and Sirius is like “Bitch, please. At least you’re out there mixing it up with dementors.”
Dumbledore has Sirius on the bench, you guys. Voldemort knows he’s a labradoodle and shit so he can’t even go out in dog form.
“All I’m good for is this dope fucking house that disappears and some elf heads.” – Sirius Black
Harry can sense that Sirius is upset with Dumbledore too and he’s just like “OMG GIRL, I KNOW.”
Haha, Snape is like “How’s the cleaning going, bud?” and Sirius is just like “OH FUCK YOU, BRO. SERIOUSLY.”
Fred and George just can’t seem to keep their wands in their pants, you guys. It’s beginning to be a problem.
My whole thing is, why wasn’t I invited to this dinner? Huh? Nobody texted me.
Oh shit, y’all. Sirius and Molly are going blow for blow right there at the dinner table. MAKING IT SO WEIRD.
Molly drops an Azkaban bomb and Sirius gets up from his chair like it’s going to be a thing but then Lupin steps in like “BRO, CHILL.”
THUGGLE TASK: Casually slip the word “mollycoddling” into a sentence sometime today (B5p90). Report back.
Fudge is worried that Dumbledore wants his job. I’m over here like “If Dumbledore wanted your job, he would fucking have your job, bro.”
If Dumbledore keeps going like he is, he’ll be working in the mail room of the Wizengamot in like a month.
Apparently Voldemort is building some powerful weapon. IS IT THE DEATHSTAR, YOU GUYS? IS IT OPERATIONAL AGAIN?
CH 5: Dinner is served in Sirius’ house, Molly gets punked by the rest of the Order, and we learn about everyone’s summer so far.
Every time you say “dope as fuck” a thuggle gets its wings. [divider top="1"]
I mostly think we should, but if that’s not something you’re interested in I don’t want to make it a thing.
CHAPTER 6: THE NOBLE AND MOST ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK
Kreacher sounds like a fucking creep. And that’s even setting aside the fact that his name is basically “Creature,” which is unsettling.
I KNOW, RIGHT? – “Yeah, well, it’s harder in the dark.” – Anonymous Weasley twin B5p99
The boys are still speculating on Voldemort’s new weapon. I still think it’s the Death Star. Or Scientology.
I KNOW, RIGHT? – “Size is no guarantee of power.” – George Weasley B5p100
This crew should be called The Order of the Housemaids because all they are doing is clean.
Sirius shows up with a bag full of dead rats like “WHAT UP? Buckbeak is totally going balls deep on these fuckers.”
The twins are working some snacks that would make you ill so you don’t have to go to school. Or you could just lie like the rest of us did.
Mundungus wants to hide his stash in the safehouse but Molly’s like “YOU CAN HIDE THOSE CAULDRONS UP YOUR ASS, BRO. FOR REAL, THOUGH.”
Kreacher is totally trolling the Weasley twins right now.
Kreacher is like “I can’t be seen with you because you’re a mudblood” and Hermione is like “LOL” but Fred is like “He’s not kidding, tho.”
BOOM, ROASTED – “Master was a nasty ungrateful swine who broke his mother’s heart.” – Kreacher B5p109
Can we talk about how cool the term “blood traitor” is? 10 points to Kreacher.
“Sirius and James” were really the “Harry and Ron” of their time, huh?
Sirius and Regulus. Kind of cool they’re both named for stars.
Regulus was like “Consider this my two weeks notice” and Voldemort was like “LOL Okay yeah! Totally!”
Okay, so Tonks is related to Sirius, which is chill. But it also looks like Draco’s MILF of a mother is too.
I’m surprised none of the Blacks married into the Lannisters or the Targaryens.
Bellatrix Lestrange puts most fangirls to shame.
Harry’s like “If I get expelled, can I come back here and live with you?” And Sirius is like, “Slow down, girl. It ain’t even like that.”
Ugh, can’t we just send out a mass text to everyone in the Order NOT TO RING THE FUCKING DOORBELL?
McGonagall was wearing a muggle dress and coat?? *SWOON*
Oh shit, y’all. Harry’s going to work with Arthur tomorrow. IT’S “BRING YOUR SON’S HOODRAT FRIEND TO WORK” DAY AT THE MINISTRY.
Dumbledore showed up to the house last night like he’s fucking Santa Claus and told Sirius not to go to Harry’s hearing. DIDN’T EVEN SAY HI.
CH 6: The safehouse will not be cleaned willingly, Kreacher is not a huge fan of the situation, and we learn about the Black family tree.
Just found out what “Honey Boo Boo” is. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. [divider top="1"]
But whatever, you should stop flirting with me so I can read a chapter, okay?
CHAPTER 7: THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC
I don’t want to talk shit behind her back, but Tonks is such a spaz omg.
Harry, WTF? Mrs. Weasley offers to make you breakfast in her sexy purple gown and you pick toast? TOAST? That is disappointing, bro.
Alright, so apparently Amelia Bones is the witch running this hearing. Sirius is like “If I have to sleep with her, I will.”
Arthur’s like “These ticket machines are dope as fuck” and Harry’s like “Those are broken.” And Arthur’s like “Don’t ruin this for me, bro.”
They’re in some shitty phone booth now. The chick on the phone’s like “If you’re packing heat, you gotta register that shit at the desk.”
Oh nice, internal memos at the Ministry come by way of paper airplanes. Just like all my “Do you like me? Yes? No?” notes in 3rd grade.
Okay, fine. 3rd-12th grade.
Arthur and Kingsley are being a little terse with each other, but I’m sure it’s just for show. They’re still going to play Portal 2 later.
Regurgitating public toilets: Still not as funny as upper-decking.
Oh shit, y’all. They changed the time and venue for Harry’s hearing. WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY SHOOT THEM A TEXT?
Later, Bode. I’M SURE WE WON’T SEE YOU AGAIN BECAUSE YOU WORK IN THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES AND THAT WON’T COME UP I’M SURE.
They get to the courtroom and Arthur’s like “OK BYE LOL!” And Harry’s like “Dude, WTF?” And Arthur’s like “Man-up, bitch.”
CH 7: Harry’s a little nervous about his hearing, we get our first inside the Ministry, and there’s an ominous, last-minute change of venue.
Want to get one more book in before summer is over? I’d suggest “The Sense of an Ending” by Julian Barnes. Brief and masterfully written.
It’s Friday, thuggles. If you’re going to use magic outside of Hogwarts, make sure it AT LEAST gets you to second base. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 8: THE HEARING
This is the exact same dungeon where the Lestranges were sentenced to life in Azkaban that Harry saw on Netflix in Dumbledore’s office.
WHAT UP, FUDGE? STILL A TOTAL DOUCHE AND A COWARD? AS YOU WERE.
Oh shit, Percy’s here? HOLD ME BACK, THUGGLES. THIS IS GOING TO BE A THING.
Ha, Percy is the “Senior Undersecretary?” What an insulting title. Why not “Director of Being Everyone’s Bitch?”
One of these things does not belong- Albus. Percival. Wulfric. Brian. Dumbledore. – Can you guess which thing?
LIKE HE RUNS THIS SHIT – “Dumbledore was striding serenely across the room wearing long midnight-blue robes and a perfectly calm expression”
Fudge is like “Oh, so you got that text about the time change that I didn’t send you?” and D-dore is like “Nope, I’m just better than you.”
Madam Bones just seems wildly unprepared for this meeting. She had no idea until this moment that Harry produced a patronus.
“Oh shit, you produced like, a legit fucking patronus? With shapes and shit? And you’re only 15? THAT’S DOPE AS FUCK, BRO.” – Bones
Dumbledore is just lawyering the shit out of Cornelius Fudge right now.
OMG PLEASE TELL ME DUMBLEDORE’S SURPRISE WITNESS IS THE FUCKING CAT. MR. FROSTYPAWS OR WHATEVER.
Okay, it’s Mrs. Figg and not the cat. But still, though.
Fudge is like “For real, though. Can squibs see dementors?” And Figg is like “Yes. Can you see this?” And she gives him the middle finger.
Dolores Umbridge sounds like quite the boner-killer. Woof.
Dumbledore is like “I think you’ve overlooked a few laws.” And Fudge is like “I AM THE LAW, BITCH.” And Dumbledore’s like “LOL Okay, sure.”
CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES, Y’ALL.
Whoa, Dumbledore peaced the fuck out of there in a hurry. He didn’t even take a celebratory shot of firewhiskey with the rest of us.
CH 8: Dumbledore wipes the floor with Fudge and Harry’s in the clear. Like, that’s basically all that happened and it was amazing.
“Fuck it, let’s just run another Harry Potter marathon this weekend.” – An executive at ABC Family [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 9: THE WOES OF MRS. WEASLEY
This room is awkward as fuck now. Dumbledore is gone already and nobody is acknowledging Harry’s existence.
This Umbridge chick keeps eyeballing Harry. Making it weird.
Arthur’s like “GREAT NEWS, DUDE. I’ll drop you off on my way to the toilet.” and Harry’s like “Bro?”
WHAT UP, LUCIUS? Nice to see you again! Are you still a death-eating piece of shit?
For real, though. I hope someone farts on the elevator that Lucius and Fudge are about to take.
WTF Harry is just dumping a shitload of galleons into the fountain. I THOUGHT WE WERE SAVING UP FOR THAT CABO TRIP, BRO?
Sirius is pouting because Harry is going back to Hogwarts. Ron’s like “Did you notice all his Facebook status updates are song lyrics now?”
That sounds wonderful – “I think a part of him was really hoping you’d be expelled. Then you’d both be outcasts together.” – Hermione B5p159
They’re having trouble finding a new DADA prof and it’s like, “no shit.” Look at the track record: Traitor, coward, werewolf, sex dungeon.
RON’S GOING TO BE A PREFECT, Y’ALL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hermione’s like “Harry, I KNEW you’d be a prefect too, this is so great.” and Harry’s like “It’s Ron” and she’s like “THE FUCK?”
Fred and George are taunting Hermione and Ron. But honestly I just wouldn’t give Hermione a reason, you guys. She scares me.
New broom and a Prefect badge. Ron is really upping his game this year. Those ‘puff chicks are going to be begging for it.
OMG Harry is talking to Hermione in that high-pitch voice girls go into when they’re talking to someone they don’t like but have to pretend.
The truth is, Harry’s a little jeal that he wasn’t chosen to be a prefect. I’m like “Whatever, dude. Your name is on the cover. Chill.”
That’s a dope banner, Molly – “CONGRATULATIONS RON AND HERMIONE – NEW PREFECTS” – B5p168
Tonks was never a prefect because she was always smoking in the bathrooms and sneaking boys in after hours.
Oh shit, Hermione’s got Lupin cornered talking about elf rights. RUN, BRO.
Moody is showing Harry a photo of the original Order of the Phoenix. You know, before their lead singer quit for a solo career.
Oh fuck, y’all. The boggart keeps turning into dead Weasley children. That shit is DARK.
For real though, if Percy died I just wouldn’t give a shit.
CH 9: Ron and Hermione are prefects, Harry is a little jealous, and there is a shitload of foreshadowing and it DOES NOT look good.
Have a good night, you guys. That sound you hear is me not giving a shit that the Spice Girls are reuniting.
Monday is a hippogriff you wouldn’t go back in time to save from a wrongful execution, you know? [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 10: LUNA LOVEGOOD
Ha, Fred and George bewitched their trunks to fly downstairs, knocking Ginny down two flights in the process. Molly’s going bat shit.
JUST ONCE TIME I’D LIKE TO SEE US LEAVE FOR THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS ON TIME. AS A GROUP WE ARE NOT SO GOOD AT THAT.
I guess we have to wait for Podmore because Moody’s being a diva about having a full guard. Harry’s being a diva about Moody being a diva.
Sirius is in dog form like “OMG ARE WE GOING FOR A RIDE? GOING FOR A RIDE IS MY FAVORITE THING!”
DAYUM. Platform 9 and 3/4 got HOT over summer break.
Molly’s like “Oh for fuck’s sake. Would you act more like a dog, please?” So Sirius sleeps with her on the first date and doesn’t call her.
Ron and Hermione are going to sit in the prefect carriage like a couple of one-percenters. Let the classism begin!
: ( – “He had never traveled on the Hogwarts Express without Ron.” B5p184
WHAT UP, NEVILLE? WHAT UP, TREVOR THE FROG?
Ginny’s like “Let’s sit next to Loony.” And Neville’s like “LOL, I’m good.” If Neville is throwing shade at you, it’s not a good sign.
Luna. Sounds. DOPE AS FUCK OMG.
Dirty blonde hair? Wand behind the ear like she’s fucking James Dean? BUTTERBEER BOTTLE CAP NECKLACE? I’m on board.
Neville’s pulls out some gross plant he got for his bday that he wants to “breed” from. Harry’s like “Just don’t fuck the plant, Neville.”
Oh SHIT, Cho Chang just showed up. EVERYBODY BE COOL, OK?
GREAT. SHE JUST LEFT. THANKS NEVILLE. YOU AND YOUR GROSS PLANT JUST COCKBLOCKED HARRY SO HARD.
Malfoy is the Slytherin prefect. I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure it won’t dramatically increase his already bloated false sense of superiority.
I’m like 90% sure Luna is just trolling everyone else in this room right now.
This article in the Quibbler about Sirius being the frontman of the Hobgoblins is the best. Doris Purkiss sounds like a LEGIT source.
Hang on, I have to get my robes out of the dryer. DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD WHILE I’M GONE.
Okay, I’m back. Let’s keep going.
So the article about Fudge basically says he’s going to seize Gringotts and wage war with the Goblins. It’s like a Tolkien novel.
Oh man, Hermione’s talking shit about the Quibbler and Luna’s like “Pump the breaks, slut. My dad is the editor.”
I guess Malfoy knows that Sirius is a Dalmation – “I’ll be DOGGING your footsteps in case you step out of line.” B5p194
OMG Professor Homely-Witchface is there instead of Hagrid, you guys. WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?
I don’t want to sound like a Mary or anything, but these horse creatures that are pulling the coaches sound fucking terrifying.
Ron can’t see the horses, you guys. Is Harry an Equineye in addition to being a Parseltongue?
“Don’t worry. You’re just as sane as I am.” – Luna Fucking Lovegood B5p199
CH 10: Sirius (maybe carelessly) escorts Harry to the station, we meet and fall in love with Luna Lovegood obviously, and Harry sees horses.
Thanks for the hustle, you guys. Good work out there.
Many of you will be starting your freshman year of college soon, and since I’m basically your dad’s age I thought I would share some advice.
I can’t be there to look out for you, so I thought the next best thing would be HUSTLE TIPS: THE INCOMING FRESHMAN EDITION.
HUSTLE TIP: Don’t have an extremely private phone conversation in the middle of the fucking student union. It makes it weird for everyone.
HUSTLE TIP: Whiskey before whiskey, you’re in the clear.
HUSTLE TIP: It’s okay to occasionally browse the internet during class, but stay off your phone. I don’t know why it’s worse but it is.
HUSTLE TIP: If your lecture has 200+ people, don’t ask questions and answer them sparingly. It’s a “run the clock out” situation.
HUSTLE TIP: She probably doesn’t want the D. She probably just wants you to be less of a creep.
HUSTLE TIP: Make sure he has a sexy bookshelf before you give him any.
HUSTLE TIP: Talk about @MuggleHustle often and with conviction.
And that concludes HUSTLE TIPS: THE INCOMING FRESHMAN EDITION [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 11: THE SORTING HAT’S NEW SONG
Oh shit, $orting Hat is about to drop his new single, y’all.
Whoa, Luna. I think you’re pretty chill, but I can’t have you talking shit about Hagrid right out of the gate. He’s our bro.
HOGWARTS WE ARE IN YOU.
What the fuck is Umbridge doing here? WHAT THE FUCK IS UMBRIDGE DOING HERE?
You guys, I specifically told you not to send Umbridge a Facebook invitation to this dinner. Who dropped the ball?
“Dope as Fuck” by $orting Hat ft. Kendrick Lamar is dropping RIGHT NOW.
Locked in – “Know the perils, read the signs / The warning history shows / For our Hogwarts is in danger / From external, deadly foes.” -$H
That shit was ON POINT. And I read on Pitchfork that it was produced by araabMUZIK, so you know that beat hits hard.
I don’t know how these kids aren’t all morbidly obese the way this food just appears out of thin air and shit.
Ron’s like “How can it know if the school’s in danger if it’s a hat?” And it’s a pretty good burn.
UMBRIDGE IS THE NEW DADA PROFESSOR? Hang on, I have to go throw up real quick. BRB.
And why is Professor Grooby-Plankton taking Magical Creatures? HAGRID WHERE YOU AT? THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Umbridge just interrupted Dumbledore. He’s like “No yeah, it’s fine. I definitely don’t think you’re a bitch for doing that just now.”
AND THE HAMMER COMES DOWN – “I’ll be her friend as long as I don’t have to borrow that cardigan.” – Parvati B5p212
Dolores, this speech is boring as shit. Can we move this along please? It’s hard to concentrate on hating you when you’re talking at me.
Ron’s like “That sounded like a load of waffle.” And Hermione’s like “But there was important stuff in the waffle.” And I’m like “WAFFLES?”
Ron just called the first years “midgets.” THAT’S A GREAT AND TOTALLY NOT OFFENSIVE WAY TO START, RON. GOOD JOB!
Even the first years are throwing shade at Harry. The tabloids have turned him into the “Honey Boo Boo” of Hogwarts.
My whole thing is, how many times is this student body going to turn on Harry and then be back on his side? It’s been what, 3 times now?
Ouch. Neville knew the password and Harry didn’t. That’s really gotta be a low point, I would think.
SEAMUS WHAT THE FUCK, BRO?
Harry’s “having a go” at Seamus’ mother. It’s getting weird.
Seamus’ Irish temper is blowing up. That Jameson coursing through his veins is working double time.
Neville steps in to defend Harry and Dumbledore. The fight is over, but that room is the most awkward place in Hogwarts at the moment.
CH 11: $orting Hat blows the roof off the place, Umbridge is the new DADA Prof / the worst, and there is a faction among the Gryffindor men.
DON’T GO TO BED ANGRY, BOYS. [divider top="1"]
How’s it going? Are you good? It’s been awhile, so let’s see if I still remember how to do this.
CHAPTER 12: PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE
This chapter is about Dolores, huh? That’s good. My caps lock key was getting a little dusty.
It’s the morning after the FIGHT and Seamus bombed out of the room like he slept with Harry and had no intention of doing it again.
Wait, is that a thing? – “Neville and Ron both gave Harry it’s-his-problem-not-yours looks but Harry was not much consoled.” B5p221
Fred and George made a sign looking for volunteers for something. I VOLUNTEER SO HARD.
Ugh, Hermione took their sign down. Get off your high-hippogriff, girl.
Apparently Lavender was being a total bitch about Harry too, but Hermione told her to pump the breaks.
Hermione quotes Dumbledore verbatim from the last book. Ron’s like “How did you do that?” And she’s like “I’ve read Goblet of Fire, Ron.”
Inter-house unity, Hermione? I would rather listen to a Chad Kroeger/ Avril Lavigne duet album than spend one second trying to be cool to the Slytherin bros.
WHAT UP, ANGELINA? Congratulations on being the new Gryffindor quidditch captain.
I’d like to throw my hat in the ring for this open keeper position. I would stop ALLLL the quaffles.
Hermione’s like “It’s best to know what our enemies are saying about us. Why do you think I follow Pansy Parkinson on Twitter?”
Oh shit, Hermione just told Fred they can’t advertise in the common room. He’s like “LOL okay. We’ll just send out a Facebook invitation.”
OH FUCK WE HAVE TO TAKE O.W.L.s THIS YEAR.
For real, though. How much did Harry win for the TriWizard Tourney? Like 1000 galleons? That is not enough to start a small business.
Ron wants to be an Auror after school. Hermione wants to go the non-profit route and take SPEW to the next level. I’m like “FUNEMPLOYED, Y’ALL!”
Uh oh, Hermione is threatening not to give Harry and Ron her notes anymore. Ron’s like “We’d probably die. We would be dead, okay?”
Oh shit, Cho Chang is here guys. Let’s nobody cockblock him this time, okay? Just let Harry spit some mad game and see how this plays out.
GOD DAMMIT, RON. JUST BE COOL. WHO CARES IF SHE SUPPORTS THE TORNADOS?
Just once I’d like us to make Harry look cool in front of Cho. Wouldn’t that be a nice change of pace?
Snape’s like “Since most of you are pretty incompetent, this will probably be our last year together. Let’s celebrate my making tequila.”
The only Draught of Peace I need is firewhiskey.
“Poisonous toadstools don’t change their spots.” – Ron Weasley B5p235
FASHION EMERGENCY – “She was wearing the fluffy pink cardigan of the night before and the black velvet bow on top of her head.” B5p238
The DADA curriculum this year has been Ministry-approved (READ: Boring as shit).
“YES, PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE.” – Me, never.
Hermione has her hand raised for like 10 minutes. Making it weird.
PHRASING! – “‘We’re not going to use magic?’ Ron ejaculated loudly.” B5p242
Harry’s like “What good will theories do us in the real world? You might as well teach us the Quadratic Formula and shit. For real, though.”
Harry just dropped the V-bomb in class. And it’s rocking everyone’s world.
Umbridge just gave Potter the D.
Peeves is spitting some dope freestyle in the halls but Harry’s not really feeling it.
Harry has to go see McGonagall. She’s like “Yeah, maybe don’t like, fucking spaz out in her class again. Be chill, ok?”
DETENTION EVERY NIGHT FOR A WEEK? THAT IS SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT I CAN’T EVEN.
CH 12: First day of classes is a mixed bag, Umbridge makes it clear she’s going to be dick about everything, and Harry freaks the fuck out.
Thanks for sticking around, you guys. It’s good to be back.
Call me old-fashioned, but I just think I need to end up with a gal who’s willing to change her last name. To Skywalker. [divider top="1"]
Got a new bed today. It’s going to be hard to say goodbye to my dinosaur sheets OH WAIT IT’S NOT BECAUSE I’M TOTALLY KEEPING THEM.
Obviously I’m kidding. I haven’t had dinosaur sheets since college.
CHAPTER 13: DETENTION WITH DOLORES
So everyone is talking shit about Harry’s blow-up. But they’re not even like, doing it behind his back? He’s literally right there.
Hermione and Ron are about to get into it again and Harry’s like “Fuck it, let’s just do homework” and they’re both like “Bro?”
Fred and George just knocked a bunch of First Years unconscious with their sweets and Hermione’s on the warpath like “THE FUCK? DON’T.”
OH SHIT HERMIONE THREATENED TO TELL MRS. WEASLEY WHAT THE TWINS ARE UP TO AND IT’S PRETTY TERRIFYING.
Hermione’s got some scheme where she’s trying to TRICK house-elves into freedom by leaving hats under some trash. And it’s like, wow.
Ron’s like “The thing is, I’m pretty sure they’re not hats. Because they don’t look like hats, like at all .” And it’s a pretty good burn.
“I don’t see any reason why all of you can’t get an O.W.L in Transfiguration. Even you Neville, as long as you don’t Neville-it.” – Minerva
If you don’t have any wood lice on hand, I would not suggest fucking with bowtruckles. They will for real gouge your eyes out.
Draco intimates that Hagrid is badly injured, probably trying make the giants allies. Hermione’s like “Puh-lease, Draco doesn’t know shit.”
WHAT UP, LUNA? THOSE ARE SOME DOPE RADISH EARRINGS, GIRL.
Luna’s like “Harry, I fucking believe you about He Who Must Not Be Named and shit. Just wanted to tell you.” Harry’s like “OMG FINALLY.”
Ernie’s like “I’m on your side too, so It’s not just the weirdos.” And I’m over here like “Ernie WTF? Luna’s so chill, just be cool.”
Angelina shows up like “Oy, dipshit. You got yourself detention on Friday like an asshole, huh? Get out of it.” It’s a little scary.
Umbridge’s office kind of sounds like my Grandmother’s house. If my Grandmother had TERRIBLE FUCKING TASTE IN EVERYTHING.
“I think it rather a good thing that you are missing something you really want to do. It ought to reinforce the lesson I am trying to teach”
FUCK. THIS. QUILL.
Honestly I’d rather be turned into a ferret than this temporary tattoo quill situation.
Hermione’s like “Where were you last night?” But Ron’s being weird about it. He was probably like, watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix.
Harry is being such a badass about this quill. He’s like “IT FEELS SO GOOD, UMBRIDGE. YOU SHOULD BE CHARGING ME FOR THIS KIND OF PLEASURE.”
I must not tell lies. Umbridge is a fugly slut.
RON IS TRYING OUT FOR GRYFFINDOR KEEPER THIS IS SO GREAT. I HOPE HE MAKES THE TEAM, YOU GUYS.
Ron’s the new keeper! I’m over here like “YEAH HE IS.”
Harry tells Hermione about the feeling he got when Umbridge touched his arm and she’s like “It’s probably mostly because she’s a bitch.”
CH 13: The homework situation is out of control, Ron makes the quidditch team, and Harry gets introduced to Umbridge’s torture quill. [divider top="1"]
I think I invented a new Space Jam drinking game last night. The rules are drink every time you watch Space Jam.
CHAPTER 14: PERCY AND PADFOOT
(Here’s hoping this chapter is about Padfoot pooping in Percy’s shoe or something.)
Harry’s up early on Saturday diving into his homework. And I just can’t really endorse that kind of behavior. 10 points from Gryffindor.
Okay, I may have jumped the gun there. It looks like he’s only up to write to Sirius. But I’m still taking 5 points for waking up early.
Harry texts Snuffles like “OMG my first week of school sucked. The new DADA prof is about as nice as ur mom.”
CHO CHANG IS AT THE OWLERY, Y’ALL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cho seems a little turned on that Harry was in detention for standing up to Umbridge. She must have a thing for bad boys.
Filch bombs in demanding Harry’s fartbombs or whatever. Being a huge fucking creep. Cho is like “WTF CAN I TALK TO HARRY ONE TIME PLZ?”
That’s more than I usually start out with – “She had called him brave…she did not hate him for being alive…” B4p285
Fuck, they know Sirius is in London. Good thing he’s housebroken.
Podmore got a 6 month stint in Azkaban for breaking into the Ministry. Ron thinks it may have been a setup. Hermione’s like “Nice.”
Ron and Harry keep enabling each other to blow off homework for quidditch. That’s what best friends are for.
The Slytherins are at the Gryffindor quidditch practice. They’re definitely just observing quietly and not being total fucking dicks.
This practice is not going so great, you guys. Ron isn’t having the best first day and Katie’s nosebleed is out of control due to the twins.
Ron just got an e-mail from email@example.com
Fuck you, Percy. For real, though.
That letter was such BULLSHIT. And he implied that Dumbledore’s not going to be head hancho much longer. I’m over here like “WTF?”
Ha, Hermione is finally like “Fuck it” and just does the boys’ homework for them.
Fire-skype sesh with Sirius, y’all.
Sirius is pretty sure Umbridge isn’t a Death Eater. I’m like “Whatever.” She probably went to try-outs but just didn’t make the team.
THAT SOUNDS DOPE AS FUCK – “That’s what he’s afraid Dumbledore’s doing- forming his own private army with which he’ll attack the Ministry.”
Sirius is like “Text me next time you’re in Hogsmeade. We’ll chill.” And Harry’s like “I don’t think so, bro.” And Sirius is like “UGH FINE”
CH 14: Quidditch and homework are kind of a bummer, Ron gets a bullshit email from Percy, and Harry skypes with Sirius.
RT so hard @MuggleHustle wants to ‘five me. [divider top="1"]
But anyway. WHAT UP? Hustle time? Hustle time!
CHAPTER 15: THE HOGWARTS HIGH INQUISITOR
Um, excuse me. WHAT? Umbridge is “High Inquisitor” now? I’M SURE IT’S FINE. I’M SURE THIS POWER WON’T GO TO HER HEAD.
So apparently the Ministry is just making up new positions for Hogwarts and appointing whoever the fuck. It’s beyond infuriating.
And don’t even get me started on the quotes by Percy and Lucius in that Daily Prophet article. Almost threw my computer at the wall.
Snape gave Harry the D – “Harry’s moonstone essay was handed back to him with a large, spiky black D scrawled in an upper corner.” B5p309
Grade the last date you went on – Outstanding / Exceeds Expectations / Acceptable / Poor / Dreadful.
Yes, I forgot Troll. Sorry. I hadn’t gotten to that part. We can bring Troll into the mix.
Ha, Umbridge is going to be observing Hipster Prof’s “class.” HOPE YOU LIKE LISTENING TO PEOPLE HUMBLEBRAG ABOUT BEING VEGAN, UMBRIDGE!
Oh shit. Umbridge put Hipster Prof on the spot like “Why don’t you predict something for me?” It uh, it doesn’t bode well.
Uh oh. Hipster Prof went for the “grave danger” play. Umbridge is like “SORT OF LIKE YOUR JOB LOL!”
In DADA Umbridge is like “Read chapter 2.” And Hermione’s like “I’ve read the whole book already. Plot twist: it’s boring as fuck.”
So the class is just going to read silently all year while Umbridge plays Drawing With Friends on her iPhone? Is that the situation?
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE ANOTHER WEEK OF DETENTION.
Wait, Harry is still writing “I must not tell lies?” I was hoping she would change it up a bit. Go with “dope as fuck” or something.
Harry should’ve taken a pic of Voldemort’s face on Quirrell’s head so he could’ve busted out his phone in class like “WHAT UP?”
McGonagall just took five points from Gryffindor for Harry’s detention. And it’s just really fucking heartbreaking, you guys. WTF MINERVA?
Harry needs some polyjuice potion for his temper.
McGONAGALL JUST KNOCKED UMBRIDGE DOWN A FEW PEGS AND IT WAS SO FUCKING SATISFYING.
Does Umbridge have a time-turner or something? Because she’s at like every fucking class today.
Ha, Harry just got another detention. That’s a hat-trick, y’all.
Hermione’s like “We should just do it ourselves.” And Ron’s ears kind of perk up. Of course, she’s talking Defense Against the Dark Arts.
They’re like “Who’s going to teach us this shit?” And Hermione’s like “What about Harry?” And Harry, Ron, and I are like “BRO?”
Hermione and Ron are going through Harry’s Curriculum Vitae as it relates to practical application of DADA. Harry’s like “NOPE! FLUKES.”
Somehow Harry managed to make that pleasant moment so weird by yelling at them out of nowhere. Dude needs to pump the breaks.
CH 15: Umbridge is the new Queen Bitch of Hogwarts, Harry gets alllll the detentions, and there’s talk of starting a secret DIY DADA club.
Stay safe out there, thuggles. I don’t think a patronus is going to work on Hurricane Isaac. You should probably just peace the fuck out.
I just caught myself fantasizing about punching Umbridge in the face. Is that weird?
The @MuggleHustle Diet is the first of its kind to utilize the Reverse Cheat Day™ system. Diet and exercise one day a week. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 16: IN THE HOG’S HEAD
So things are going fine for a couple weeks, but then Hermione decides to beat a dead hippogriff and bring up the DADA club to Harry again.
Harry’s going to pretend to brood over it for a few more minutes but in his head he’s like “Yeah okay. Shit sounds kinda dope actually.”
Hermione mentions Viktor Krum for like a second and Ron’s like “YOU MEAN HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED?”
Ron’s like “Wait, are you and Viktor still texting? IT’S NOT LIKE I CARE I’M JUST MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION.”
Hermione’s like “We should probably open this class up to anyone who wants to register” And Harry’s like “But everyone thinks I’m cray?”
Filch comes over to smell Harry. Making it so weird. Hermione seems really interested in whoever tipped him off to the fart bombs.
They’re meeting at some dive called Hog’s Head instead of the Three Broomsticks so as not raise suspicion. Plus there’s a better jukebox.
THIS PLACE IS SO FUCKING DOPE. SOME DUDE WITH BANDAGES ALL OVER HIS FACE IS DRINKING FIRE, BASICALLY.
Ron’s like “I bet this dude isn’t carding. We should try firewhiskey.” Hermione’s like “YOU’RE A PREFECT” and Ron’s like “I’M ALSO THIRSTY.”
Holy shit, like 100 people from school just walked in. Harry’s like “I’m going to need to print off some more syllabi.”
Fred’s like “25 butterbeers, please. Hold the butter.”
Real quick, though. Zacharias Smith needs to shut his fucking mouth. He can’t talk like that to the TRIPLE THREAT.
Holy shit, I’m feeling an urgent and pathological need to punch this Zacharias dickhole right in his stupid face for stepping to Harry like that.
Everyone starts asking Harry about shit like the patronus and the basilisk and he’s like “Seriously, do NONE OF YOU follow me on twitter?”
THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING – “Here’s an idea. Why don’t you shut your mouth?” – Ron Weasley to Doucharias Smith or whatever B5p343
Luna’s like “Fudge DOES have an army. Of heliopaths.” And Hermione’s like “LOL I don’t think so, dear.” And Luna’s like “He does, though.”
“Listen up, y’all. Everyone sign this parchment so we know you’re cool. We don’t need anyone squealing like a bitch to Umbridge.” Hermione
OH SHIT GINNY’S GOING OUT WITH THIS MICHAEL CORNER BRO. IF THIS IS A DRILL NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT IT.
Hermione just said that Cho couldn’t keep her eyes off harry omg. Things are heating up, thuggles. Shit’s probably going to get WEIRD.
CH 16: Harry agrees to teach DIY DADA club, the whole crew meets up at Hog’s Head, and everyone is crushin’ hard.
A gentleman always says “no” to cargo shorts. [divider top="1"]
Either way, I was going to read the next chapter if it’s alright with you guys.
CHAPTER 17: EDUCATIONAL DECREE NUMBER TWENTY-FOUR
Harry is feeling pretty good about himself after that Hog’s Head meeting. Plus Cho favorited a couple of his tweets, which was dope.
Seriously, though. Fuck Decree Twenty-Four.
Ron’s like “Fucking Doucharias Smith must’ve told Umbridge.” And I’m over here like “YEAH, BRO. FUCK THAT GUY.”
Ha, but then he’s like “OR it could’ve been Michael Corner. BETTER MAKE GINNY BREAK UP WITH HIM JUST TO BE SAFE.”
Ron tries to go up to the girls’ dorm and he gets pwned by the stairs. They just give way to a slide. Two 4th year babes are loving it.
Apparently Hermione put a jinx on the list of names so they’d know who ratted them out cause the person will get really bad acne. RUTHLESS.
Eloise Midgen still has an acne problem : ( DON’T WORRY, GIRL. YOU’LL GET THROUGH IT.
Oh shit, you guys. Decree 24 includes quidditch. Angelina’s like “I WOULD RATHER DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS.” And everyone’s like “Dude, chill.”
Wow, Harry just snuck over to the window, pulled Hedwig in, and got back to his seat without Ghost Prof noticing. He’s like a ninja.
OH FUCK, THEY GOT TO HEDWIG. THOSE BASTARDS GOT TO HEDWIG.
Okay, Professor Groobly-Gop is attending to Hedwig while Harry and McGonagall have a moment of mutual understanding through some bro-nods.
Apparently Hedwig was delivering a text from Sirius that’s like “Let’s fire-skype tonight. Same time, same place.”
Draco’s bragging about Slytherin Quidditch blah blah blah father’s influence at the Ministry blah blah blah. Fuck you, Draco.
Oh shit, Neville just came out of fucking nowhere like “HOLD ME BACK, BRO. I’M ABOUT TO IMPROVE DRACO’S FACE WITH MY KNEE CAP.”
Oh, it was because Draco made a crack about St. Mungos. Snape took 10 from Gryffindor, but I’m giving them 20 because Neville was on point.
Umbridge is in Potions like “I’d prefer it if you took Strengthening Solution off the syllabus.” He’s like “LOL ok. I’ll get right on that.”
HIPSTER PROF IS A HIPSTER – “‘Who’s insulting you?’ asked Pavarti timidly. “The establishment!’ said Trelawney in a deep, dramatic voice.”
Hipster Prof is on probation for getting a sleeve of tats and smoking clove cigarettes on campus.
George is voming in the middle of the common room like it’s his sorority’s winter formal.
Apparently Mundungus was in drag at the Hog’s Head and overheard all their plans about DIY DADA club.
HEY RON, YOUR MOM SAYS YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE SECRET CLUB LOL
OMG UMBRIDGE JUST SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE CLUTCHING AT THE FIRE WTF??
CH 17: The gang gets Decree 24′d, Hedwig is injured but mostly okay, and Umbridge is still unequivocally the worst.
I didn’t choose the thuggle life. The thuggle life chose me.
And then God said, “Let there be college football.” [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 18: DUMBLEDORE’S ARMY
So we’re in Charms, and Harry and Hermione are talking about the likelihood that Umbridge is reading Harry’s texts. Just use a passcode bro.
So are we saying that Umbridge could’ve literally caught Sirius THROUGH the fire-skype session?
Do you think the Silencing Charm would work on like, Ke$ha? Because that would be pretty useful.
ANGELINA GOT PERMISSION TO REFORM THE QUIDDITCH TEAM, Y’ALL. PASS ME THE QUAF.
Hermione is having second thoughts about their DADA club. Harry and Ron are like “What even? It was your idea.” And she’s like “STILL, THO.”
So I guess because Sirius said it was a good idea, that it probably isn’t because he’s reckless lately. She maybe needs to pump the breaks.
Fred and George are working on Fever Fudge, which gives you a fever and pus-filled boils on your ass. NO, YEAH, SOUNDS GREAT. SIGN ME UP.
After quidditch practice Harry’s scar is like “WHAT UP?” Everyone’s like “Bro?” and he’s like “No, it’s cool. Just poked myself in the eye.”
Apparently Voldemort is pissed. This evil uprising isn’t happening quite as fast as he’d prefer. Which I mean, I get it.
Harry is Voldemort’s mood ring, basically.
WHAT UP, DOBBY? THOSE ARE SOME DOPE HATS.
Winky is still drinking a lot and still definitely not a fan of clothes. Does anyone have her number? Asking for a friend.
Dobby’s like “Yeah, none of the elves want to clean your common room anymore cause some chick keeps hiding clothes all over the place.”
The Room of Requirement sounds dope as fuck.
And, for what it’s worth, a much more eloquent name than the “Come and Go Room.”
“We’ve found somewhere to have our first Defense meeting. Tonight, 8 o’clock, 7th floor opposite that tapestry of Barnabas and Barmy.” p388
At half-past 7, the Marauder’s Map is like “The coast is clear, y’all. Let’s do this.” And they had to the Room of Requirement.
I’d just like to reiterate how fucking cool this room is. It makes me want to practice DADA more than I already did.
We’re here for like 1 minute and Hermione already has her hand raised. LET’S JUST JINX EACH OTHER AND AND NOT MAKE THIS A THING, HERMIONE.
Hermione wants to establish a governing body or something, and Cho is like “Harry should be the leader, obvs.”
Aaaand now she wants to come up with a name. I move that the group be called “Hush your Fuss, Hermione.” All those in favor say, “Aye.”
Ginny comes through with the “Dumbeldore’s Army” suggestion, and it’s just a really good name for a group. So I’m on board.
Zacharias is like “Expelliarmus? Please. That’s not going to work on the Dark Lord.” And Harry’s like “IT ALREADY DID, BITCH.”
Cho sets her partner’s sleeve on fire instead of disarming her wand and Harry’s like “You’re so good at this!”
Cho mentions that she’s doing this for Cedric, and it just gets really weird after that. Like, so weird.
Hermione and Ron are arguing how many times they disarmed each other. And they really just need to just make out and get it over with.
CH 18: Umbridge is reading everyone’s texts, Dobby helps Harry find the perfect venue for his club, and the first meeting goes really well. [divider top="1"]
Let’s do a chapter, okay?
CHAPTER 19: THE LION AND THE SERPENT
Harry has been reinvigorated by the DA and all the progress of his pupils. By the end of this club they’ll all have their own book series.
Wow, this fake galleon pager system is blowing my mind. Hermione had to use a NEWT level charm. She was like “Psh, whateves.”
Terry Boot is like “Hermione, for real though. Why aren’t you in Ravenclaw?” AND WE WERE ALL KIND OF THINKING IT.
Harry’s like “What if we accidentally spend them?” And Ron has a sweet Ron burn like “I DON’T HAVE ANY GALLEONS TO CONFUSE THEM WITH LOL.”
McGonagall is like “Your homework is to crush the Slytherin quidditch team. Just annihilate them. Leave no survivors.” It’s pretty great.
“I’ve become accustomed to seeing the Quidditch Cup in my study, boys, and I don’t really want to have to hand it over to Professor Snape.” -McGonagall
Ron is letting the Slytherins get to him. DON’T LET THEM RATTLE YOUR CAGE, RON. GET REVENGE ON THE PITCH. AND AFTER THE GAME TOO, PROBABLY.
You guys, Ron is very nervous about this game. And I mean, I get it. But it’s like “WHY SO SERIOUS?”
LUNA THAT LION HAT IS DOPE AS FUCK OMG.
Luna’s like “I wanted the lion to be noming on a serpent, but there wasn’t time.” Everyone is like “Yeah, no, that’s definitely not weird.”
Hermione kisses Ron on the cheek. For Gryffindor, I’m sure. I’m sure it wasn’t personal.
The Slyths are wearing a badge that says “Weasley is our King.” And I know they’re wearing them ironically, but it’s like, could I have one?
LOL Crabbe and Goyle are playing offensive line for the Slytherin Quidditch team.
Wow, this song is really good. The Slytherins should go on Britain’s Got Talent OH WAIT NO THEY SHOULDN’T BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING TERRIBLE.
Ron’s quidditch debut isn’t going very well. Somewhere Oliver Wood is checking the score on his iPhone and sobbing uncontrollably.
HARRY GOT THE SNITCH, Y’ALL. LOOKS LIKE THAT SHITTY SLYTHERIN A CAPELLA GROUP NEEDS A NEW GIG.
Wow, Draco has really out-douched himself with these cracks at the end of the game. Harry and George’s rebuttal comes with fists.
Calling a brawl “muggle dueling” is kind of the greatest thing I’ve ever heard and I’ll be using that from now on.
DOLORES UMBRIDGE YOU FUCKING HAG. KILL YOURSEEEEEELF.
A LIFETIME BAN FROM QUIDDITCH? ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU CAN SHOVE THAT LIFETIME BAN UP YOUR OLD DISGUSTING ASS. FOR REAL, THOUGH.
Oh yeah, sure. Let’s just arbitrarily ban Fred too. Because you know, he definitely LOOKED like he might punch someone in the face.
Dolores Umbridge is a word I don’t like to use but it definitely rhymes with “punt.”
Hagrid’s back, y’all. And hopefully he has some good news because this chapter was a BUMMER.
CH 19: Ron struggles through his first quidditch match, Harry gets the snitch but is ban for life, and Umbridge is a hellish bitch-demon.
I just had a conversation with some whiskey about how much I hate Dolores Umbridge.
Remember, nothing tastes as good as hustle feels.
Holy humidity, Batman!
If you could totally bang any character in HP, who would you totally bang?
I would bang Draco’s mom. Because then I could be like “WHAT UP? Banged your mom, bro. And it wasn’t even that good. That’s the thing.”
Added bonus: I could be like “WHAT UP, LUCIUS? Totally banged your wife. She seemed pretty into it.” [divider top="1"]
Let’s do a chapter, yeah?
CHAPTER 20: HAGRID’S TALE
So Hagrid’s back. Harry bombs upstairs to grab the Marauder’s Map and the invisibility cloak. Or his “gettin’ into some shit” combo pack.
This reunion is adorable. They’re like “WHAT UP, HAGIRD?” And he’s like “WHAT UP, YOU LOT? Get your asses in here and play some Madden.”
OMG SOMEONE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HAGRID. NOT COOL, BROS.
Hagrid’s being all Irish and insisting that he’s fine and that he’s not that hurt and that we should all just leave it alone. GIRL, NO.
Hagrid throws a Dragon Steak on his face like “I don’t even know why we have doctors when we have cold cuts of meat. It’s the same thing.”
Hermione is like “Did you find any giants?” And Hagrid’s like “It’s not like they’re fucking inconspicuous. They’re literally giant. So, yes.”
Sounds like my Thanksgiving last year – “A large quantity of spit, tea, and dragon blood was sprayed over the table as Hagrid coughed.” p424
Harry’s like “If you tell me about your summer I’ll tell you about getting attacked by dementors.” Hagrid’s like “THE FUCK?” But it works.
Hagrid and Mad Max were being tailed by someone from the Ministry so they had to muggle it until they gave him the slip. Normal stuff.
You guys, the Giant population is DWINDLING. You need to set up a table at your college campus and get the word out!
They talk to the giants, and it’s mostly chill. But then the next morning Karkus’ head seems to be missing. NO, YEAH, IT’S PROBABLY FINE.
So the new Giant bossman’s goons got Hagrid upside down by the feet and Mad Max is like “NOPE LOL!” He gets free, but the mission is fucked.
I guess the Death Eaters were baking better gluten-free brownies or whatever because the Giants are like “They’re some pretty chill bros.”
“Long story short, we uh, we didn’t get any giants to join our crew. Wasn’t a total loss though. Got to catch up on Breaking Bad.” – Hagrid.
Hermione asks about Hagrid’s mother. Making it weird.
OH FUCK UMBRIDGE IS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR EVERYBODY GTFOOOOO.
Umbridge is talking about hearing voices and tracking footprints. WTF is she like, an Eagle Scout all of the sudden?
Now Umbridge is playing “bad cop, ugly cop” with this Hagrid interrogation.
Umbridge leaves his cabin and Hagrid’s like “I don’t think I’ll ever have an erection again.”
Hermione’s like “Hagrid, for real though. You have to cut the shit and reel it in during your lessons” and he’s just like “BORING LOL!”
Hermione threatens to make Hagrid’s lesson plans for him if that’s what it takes. Then she’ll be doing homework for 3 people instead of 2.
CH 20: Hagrid is all beaten up, he speaks of his failures on the “giant diplomacy campaign,” and Umbridge almost shits in everyone’s pie.
Yesterday a surprising number of you said that you would totally bang Neville. And it’s like, are we reading the same books? I don’t get it.
Some of you are saying book Neville is pretty chill by the end of the series. MOST of you are like “OMFG THE ACTOR IS HOT LOL!” [divider top="1"]
There are just too many dick jokes regarding the title of this chapter, so let’s just move past it, okay?
Hermione’s already back at Hagrid’s cabin to be like “Bro, seriously. Just be boring as shit from now on.” But he’s not taking the bait.
Hagrid’s lesson is going to be occurring in the Forbidden Forest. Which is where I conduct all my business when I want it to go smoothly.
Hagrid throws down a giant dead animal like “They love the smell of meat.” OH GOOD. ALL REALLY ADORABLE CREATURES LOVE THE SMELL OF MEAT.
Oh shit, it’s those terrifying winged horses from before. Most people in the class still can’t see them so they’re just texting instead.
Hagrid points to the dead animal’s flesh being ripped off by the invisible creatures AND IT’S SO FUCKING METAL.
The winged horses are Thestrals and you can only see them if you’ve seen DEATH. So anyone who’s seen Game of Thrones should be good.
Umbridge is writing bullshit notes on her clipboard. Hermione’s like “She’s an evil hag” and I’m over here like “I KNOW, RIGHT?”
I hate Pansy Parkinson. Like, for real though.
Hermione’s going skiing with her parents over break. Those ski instructors have no idea what they’re in for.
CHRISTMAS AT THE BURROW, Y’ALL. I’M GOING TO DRINK ALLLLL THE EGGNOG.
Harry shows up to the Room of Requirement to find that Dobby has decorated it like a fucking stalker. Everything has Harry’s picture on it.
Luna’s here. She’s like “mistletoe is often infected with nargles.” I don’t know what those are, but I’m like “I THINK YOU MEAN COOTIES.”
Ginny is the new Gryffindor seeker?? DAYUM, GIRL. GET IT.
That moment when you realize that Fred, George, Ron, and Ginny could’ve all been on the quidditch team at the same time. And it’s a bummer.
Harry wants a review sesh for their last DA meeting before break. Doucharias makes a douchey comment and Fred comes in with a good burn.
DUDE, WHY? – “When he passed Cho she beamed at him; he resisted the temptation to walk past her several more times.” B5p454
OMG Cho and Harry are both hanging back after everyone has left.
Wait, she’s crying about Cedric. The boner has left the building.
SHE REALLY LIKES YOU HARRY! PUT YOUR MOUTH ON HER MOUTH!
OMFG HARRY AND CHO TOTALLY MADE OUT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Harry’s like “She was crying” and Ron’s like “Are you that bad at kissing?” And it’s just a really great burn.
Hermione goes into this speech about how conflicted Cho must be over her feelings for Harry and Ron’s all “But like, they were kissing?”
“Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have.” – Hermione B5p459
I’m going to come to the defense of Harry and Ron for a second. Ladies, you DO often behave in ways that are perplexing. For real, though.
Oh wait, Harry has to ask Cho out now? This is just way too much pressure. They’re not even texting yet.
HERMIONE HAS BEEN TEXTING VIKTOR THIS WHOLE TIME? GIRL, NO.
Ron’s like “What does she see in Krum anyway?” And Harry’s like “Well, he’s older. Oh, and he’s a professional athlete. That usually helps.”
I know that feel, bro – “That’s what they should teach us here, how girls’ brains work. It’d be more useful than Divination.” – Harry B5p462
Harry’s dreaming about being a snake and eating someone alive. It’s probably nothing.
I read this sentence and I think I fainted for a second – “McGonagall came hurrying into the dormitory in her tartan dressing gown.”
OH FUCK ARTHUR IS IN TROUBLE, Y’ALL.
CH 21: Umbridge is after Hagrid’s job, Harry and Cho are sitting in a tear-stained tree, and Harry has a violent vision about Arthur.
Whew, that chapter took 2 hours. I REGRET NOTHING.
Look, I definitely didn’t have Sour Patch Kids for breakfast, so I don’t know why you keep telling people I did.
It’s Friday, thuggles. Let’s get weird and play “Seven Minutes in the Room of Requirement.”
So what happened last night? I was at the Hog’s Head like we planned but nobody showed. If you’re going to bail you should text me. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 22: ST. MUNGO’S HOSPITAL FOR MAGICAL MALADIES AND INJURIES
The password to Dumbledore’s chambers is “Fizzing Whizbee”, in case you want to trade verses with $orting Hat or kick it with Fawkes.
So Dumbledore is putting his best two paintings on the case. Because if snakes fear anything, it’s definitely Abstract Expressionism.
Oh, so Everard and Dilys were some famous dudes, and their portraits are mass produced. They can move between all of them. It’s kind of dope.
Dumbledore is tinkering with some silver instrument and gets two snakes to come out of it. It seems like a pretty chill party trick.
Yikes, so we got confirmation from the paintings that Arthur’s covered in blood and on his way to St. Mungos. Fawkes is going to tell Molly.
Wow, so even Slytherin paintings are assholes. This Phineas bro is being a total douche about sending a message for Dumbledore.
OH SHIT UMBRIDGE KNOWS EVERYONE IS OUT OF BED, Y’ALL.
WTF now Harry has the urge to bite Dumbledore? DOES HE HAVE RABIES OR SOMETHING? FOR REAL, THOUGH.
Ron hasn’t said a word about any of this yet. It’s making me uneasy.
Fred and George are getting into it with Sirius. Which, I mean, I get it. Everyone just needs to pump the breaks for a second.
Who is the comedic relief when Fred, George, and Ron are understandably preoccupied? Kreacher needs to trip over himself or something.
Fred says something about Sirius being safe because he’s in this house all the time. Sirius looks like he’s maybe going to make it a thing.
They get word from Mrs. Weasley that Arthur is “still alive.” Which is about the worst-sounding good news you can get.
HE’S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS. THAT WAS REALLY TENSE.
And now Sirius is making bacon and eggs for everyone. This situation turned itself around in a BIG WAY.
Molly is like “OMG Harry thank you” and Harry’s like “YOU’RE WELCOME. AND I DEFINITELY WASN’T THE ONE WHO BIT HIM SO YOU’RE WELCOME AGAIN.”
Now we might have Christmas at Grimmauld Place with Sirius! That is so exciting I might throw up!
Harry tells Sirius the truth about his vision and Sirius is like “whateves” but then he tells him the part about Dumbledore and it’s weird.
That’s a dope disguise, though – “Mad-Eye was wearing a bowler hat at an angle to conceal his magical eye.” B5p482
The ER of a wizard hospital sounds a lot more slapstick than a regular hospital.
Hmm, Bode is in the hospital too. That’s very interesting. He thinks he’s a teapot. I’ll keep you posted.
Arthur’s like “I would totally take all the bandages off but if I do I just keep bleeding. It’s the weirdest thing.” And I’m like “TOTALLY. “
Okay, hold up. The venom of the snake seems to have properties that keep wounds open. Which is definitely pretty inconvenient and gross.
There’s a weird moment where Arthur is about to divulge some info about the snake but Molly stops him. And I’m over here like “MOLLY! UGH.”
They’re listening in on the Order and Moody’s like “Voldemort might be possessing Harry” and the Weasley kids look at Harry like “THE FUCK?”
CH 22: Dumbledore makes moves to ascertain Arthur’s location, the kids meet up with Sirius at Grimmauld, Harry might be possessed by the V. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 23: CHRISTMAS ON THE CLOSED WARD
Harry has convinced himself that HE is the secret weapon Voldemort is after. I was thinking it might be RG3.
Harry is thinking he should skip Christmas at Grimmauld to protect the others and I’m over here like “WHOA, LET’S NOT NOT GET CRAZY HERE.”
Harry is just losing his shit over all the one-word texts Dumbledore has been sending him.
“Young people are so infernally convinced that they are absolutely right about everything.” – Phineas Nigellus B5p496
This speech (lecture) Phineas is giving Harry is pretty on point. Almost makes me want to take back some of those things I said about him.
AND THE HAMMER COMES DOWN – “Oh, stop feeling all misunderstood.” – Hermione B5p499
Then Ginny comes in the with KO – “You don’t know anyone but me who’s been possessed by You-Know-Who, and I can tell you how it feels.”
“WOULD SOMEONE BESIDES ME PLEASE FUCKING READ ‘HOGWARTS, A HISTORY’ SO I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP EXPLAINING SHIT TO EVERYONE?” – Hermione, basically.
Percy sent back his Christmas jumper that Mrs. Weasley made. That is a hell-worthy trespass.
I want to get Percy lumps of coal for Christmas. But like, hot coals. And then dump them on his lap.
Kreacher has a pin-up of Bellatrix Lestrange in his room. Makin’ it weird.
Everyone sort of realizes they haven’t seen Kreacher in awhile. Sirius is concerned for a second but then he’s like “LOL maybe he died!”
Apparently Arthur tried getting stitches. Molly’s not taking it so well. Everyone is taking turns excusing themselves from the room.
WHAT UP, LOCKHART? YOU HANDSOME DOUCHE.
You guys, Neville is here visiting his parents. It’s taking Ron a little longer than you’d hope to connect the dots.
Neville’s parents, y’all : (
CH 23: It takes teamwork to get Harry out of angst-mode, Christmas at Grimmauld is pretty dope, and we see Lockhart and the Longbottoms.
Have you guys noticed that Umbridge has been “liking” all of Kreacher’s status updates lately? [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 24: OCCLUMENCY
Okay, so Kreacher was like “Perhaps an attic shall I seek.” Harry still thinks he’s sneaking out to give information to the enemy.
Now that Christmas is over, Sirius is going all emo on us again. Locking himself in Buckbeak’s room. Listening to Dashboard Confessional.
OMG SNAPE IS IN THE KITCHEN AND HE WANTS TO TALK TO HARRY. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh man, Sirius and Snape are sitting on opposite ends of the table just HATING each other. Like, not even using words. Just hate.
Snape is like “The Dumbledozer wants you to study Occlumency this semester” and Harry’s like “I’m pretty sure that’s not a thing.”
Occlumency is “the defense of the mind against external penetration.” Basically Dumbledore saw “Inception” and was like “SHIT WAS ON POINT.”
Posted without commentary – “Harry’s heart began to pump very fast indeed. Defense against external penetration?” B5p519
Wait, pump the breaks. SNAPE is going to be teaching him? Harry’s like “So literally everyone else was unavailable? Like, even Aragog?”
It’s a pretty good burn, though – “If anybody asks, you are taking Remedial Potions.” – Snape B5p519
Snape and Sirius are legit about to duel and then the ENTIRE Weasly clan bombs into the kitchen and makes it soooo weird.
Ron’s like “Extra lessons with Snape? I’d rather kiss Hermione on the face BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE GROSS AND I WOULD HATE IT.”
Sirius gives Harry a pre-paid flip phone like “If Snape gives you a hard time with Occlumency I want you to hit me up on this burner, ok?”
Arthur is like “Bye, Harry. Watch out for snakes for me!” And Harry’s like “LOL THAT IS A GOOD ONE MR. WEASLEY I WILL DEFINITELY DO THAT.”
Stan Shunpike is still the conductor of the Knight Bus? Dude needs some AMBITION in his life.
OMG Cho throw’s “Valentine’s Day” out there UNPROVOKED and Harry just fumbles all over himself. SHE’S THROWING HERSELF AT YOU, BRO.
Okay, he finally rectifies the situation and asks her out. For fuck’s sake it’s like pulling teeth with this kid.
My whole thing is, Harry didn’t text Cho like AT ALL over break and she’s still not making him work for it. Gotta lock that down.
Occlumency lessons with Snape are starting out GREAT. I’m definitely not being sarcastic. They are becoming fast friends.
So apparently when Harry had his snake vision Voldemort finally caught on. He was like “Harry, what are you doing here?? YOU RASCAL LOL!”
“Legilimens!” – Like your best friend is fucking hammered on tequila and trying to say “legitimately.”
Oh shit. Harry just realized that black corridor he’s been dreaming about leads to the Department of Mysteries. Snape is unimpressed.
People who work at the Department of Mysteries are called “Unspeakables.” THAT’S PROBABLY A GOOD SIGN, THOUGH.
I think Voldemort is at Disneyland or something because he is just having a really great time right now.
CH 24: Sirius is a downer about everyone leaving again, Snape is Harry’s new Occlumency Prof (yay!), Voldemort knows Harry is his mood ring.
Thanks for all the kind words, you guys. That was a fun chapter. Good hustle out there.
I hope my mom never finds out how much cursing goes on in this account. That would be 100 pounds of a very disappointed Catholic woman.
OH SHIT. Just realized my Halloween costume this year will most certainly have to be Harry Potter related. Oh, the possibilities.
But whatever it is, it’s going to be slutty. Obviously. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 25: THE BEETLE AT BAY
MASS BREAKOUTS FROM AZKABAN Y’ALL. HIDE YO KIDS. HIDE YO WIFI PASSWORD.
Two breakouts in two and a half years? Sounds like it’s harder to get out of my bed in the morning than it is to break out of Azkaban.
Bellatrix Lestrange makes me feel weird, you guys. I’m a little frightened. I’m a little turned on. It’s confusing.
Bode was strangled by a potted plant? WELP, CASE CLOSED. NO SENSE IN LOOKING INTO THIS ANY FURTHER. I THINK THAT’S LUNCH, EVERYBODY.
They’re putting it together about Bode and then Hermione’s like “I gotta send a text. BUT IT’S A SECRET LOL!” And then she peaces out.
Okay, obviously Hagrid has joined a Fight Club because he just showed up with fresh cuts and bruises.
“FIRS’ RULE O’ FIGHT CLUB IS YEH DON’ TALK ABOU’ FIGHT CLUB.” – Hagrid
Hagrid’s on probation. No surprises there. I’m sure the High Inquisitor was very fair and unbiased OH WAIT NOT REALLY, THOUGH.
So after the breakout, all the students are back on Harry’s side. And I’ve basically lost count of how many times that’s happened now.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Another decree? “TEACHERS ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO TEACH USING BODY LANGUAGE AND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.”
ETSY IDEA: Print all the Educational Decrees on rolls of toilet paper so people can wipe their asses with them.
From the sound of things, Hipster Prof needs to take down her Sonic Youth posters and pack up her ukulele because she is probably fired.
Hold up, it looks like Hagrid isn’t doing so hot either. He’s basically just bringing adorable puppies to class now. Sounds dope.
Neville is locked in at DA club, you guys. He’s leveling up like he lost his job and used his last paycheck to buy Skyrim.
Occlumency is still going badly. Ron’s like “I’m gonna throw this out there one more time. Snape’s making it worse because OBVIOUSLY HE IS.”
Valentine’s Day is almost here. Harry just needs some Polyjuice Potion and one of Ryan Gosling’s hairs and he should be good.
Cho’s like “Remember when we played each other in quidditch?” And Harry’s like “I was staring at your ass the whole time. I mean, what?”
Oh man, Pansy is like “You’re with Potter? At least Cedric was hot.” And Cho’s like “YEAH? WELL HARRY IS LIKE A 7 IN BAD LIGHTING OKAY?”
Ugh, Cho sees some quaint little coffee shop like “I guess we could go in?” OH PLEASE. LIKE YOU WEREN’T PLANNING THAT SHIT FROM THE START.
Everyone in this place is holding hands and it’s GROSS. Cho’s like “2 coffees” and Harry’s like “Could you make mine a bourbon, though?”
Okay, so the couple at the table right next to Harry and Cho are like AUDIBLY making out, so Harry’s feeling some pressure here.
Harry’s like “Do you want to come with me to meet Hermione later?” And Cho’s like “Are you propositioning me for a threesome right now?”
RED FLAGS, HARRY. PUMP THE BREAKS.
Cho’s doing that thing where she’s saying one thing but communicating the exact opposite thing with her tone. Harry’s in over his head.
Harry’s like “Yeah, Hermione totally said you could tag along?” And Cho’s like “Oh she did? That slut is so thoughtful.”
Ok, this date has derailed and it is the worst train wreck I have ever seen. First she brings up Roger asking her out, and now Cedric.
I think Harry needs to just silently get up from his chair and back away slowly to the door, and just leave. That the only solution.
You guys. This date. I can’t.
Cho’s like “Why don’t you just pay so you can leave and go talk to Hermione like you obviously want to” and I’m like “JUST RUN, BRO.”
“Cho, it’s not like that. I’ve been in Hermione’s Friend Zone since book one. Chill the fuck out. For real, though.” – Harry
OMG THAT DATE IS OVER FUCKING FINALLY. I THINK IT LASTED 100 HOURS.
Harry runs into Hagrid all beaten up at the Three Broomsticks and he’s like “Hagrid, you look how I feel, bro.”
Hermione is sitting with Luna and Rita Skeeter? WHAT EVEN?
Rita’s like “You don’t want me to actually write this story, do you?” And Hermione’s like “THAT’S BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I WANT, BITCH.”
My whole thing is, if I wanted to publish a coherent and factual story, I would ask a drunk toddler to write it before I asked Rita Skeeter.
Hermione’s like “Fudge is being a douche factory about stories in the Daily Prophet, so we’re gonna publish this shit in the Quibbler.”
CH 25: Harry learns that drinking alone in your room watching Netflix usually ends better than trying to take a girl out on a date.
Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a bottle of wine at my apartment that is tragically not empty and I’m going to see what I can do to help.
All the University of Texas thuggles stay safe over there, okay?
It’s Friday, thuggles. If you don’t lose AT LEAST 10 points for your house, you’re doing it wrong.
Accio ibuprofen and Gatorade. [divider top="1"]
For real, though. What the FUCK are Crumple-Horned Snorkacks?
Harry’s telling Hermione about his date with Cho. She’s like “Yeah, no, maybe next time just do the exact opposite of that and you’re good.”
Now Hermione is telling Harry how he SHOULD’VE approached Cho and it’s like, WHERE WAS THIS ONE CHAPTER AGO BEFORE THAT SHITSTORM OF A DATE?
Hermione’s like “Harry, you’re as bad as Ron at communicating with women. LOL JK I CAN’T SAY THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.”
It’s a pretty good burn, though – “At least my happiness doesn’t depend on Ron’s goalkeeping ability.” – Hermione B5p575
So in the quidditch match against the ‘puffs Ron had some trouble stopping the quaf. 14 times. But Ginny got the snitch, which is dope.
Ginny & tonic is turning into quite the little character, huh? Remember when her only thing was creeping on Harry? Now she’s like “WHAT UP?”
Apparently Umbridge was taunting Harry during the match like “See how you’re in the stands and not on the pitch? I TOTALLY DID THAT LOL!”
Okay, so the Quibbler has broken this Voldemort story wide open. Harry’s already getting fan mail from readers.
Well I guess the letters are sort of a mixed bag. Some people are like “YOU CRAZY” and some of them are like “I feel you, bro.”
Umbridge banned Harry from Hogsmeade and gave him detention for the Quibbler interview. I definitely didn’t throw my book against the wall.
“Educational Decree #27 – Look, no one is allowed to read the Quibbler, okay? Shit’s crazy and you’ll legit get expelled. So don’t.”
Banning the story is just making everyone want to read it more. Like when the doctor told me I should eat less bacon.
Harry’s getting some good reactions about the story. Cho’s like “it was so brave. It made me cry.” WHAT DOESN’T MAKE YOU CRY, CHO? ANYTHING?
I’m gonna have to finish this chapter a little later. Stand by, thuggles.
Sorry gang. Had to get my hair cut. It looks balls awful, but that just comes with the territory of being a dude.
You get your hair cut. You look like a penis for a couple days. Then you bounce back.
BUT I DIGRESS.
Seamus finally apologizes. He’s like “I sent a copy home to me mam. It’s wrapped around a bottle of Jameson so she’ll actually read it.”
Harry’s having a Voldemort vision again. This time he’s bro-ing down with someone named Rookwood. Playing some Xbox.
Some dude named Avery is probably fucked, though. Just FYI.
Putting some pieces together and we find out that Lucius is probably behind a lot of this shit. He’s such a miserable douche.
More Occlumency lessons with Snape. The nice way to put it is that they are still going fucking terribly.
OH SHIT HARRY JUST SAW SOME OF SNAPE’S MEMORIES AND IT WAS MOSTLY A BUMMER.
Hipster Prof is drunk off an entire bottle of sherry. MAKING A SCENE.
So Umbridge is like “Pack your knives and go” but Dumbledore is like “I DON’T THINK SO LOL!”
This book should’ve been called “Harry Potter and the Where The Fuck Has Dumbledore Been The Whole Time?”
WHAT UP, FIRENZE? That was a dope entrance, bro.
CH 26: The Quibbler article makes waves, Harry has visions through the eyes of Voldemort, and Hipster Prof is replaced by a horse-man.
You can lead a Hippogriff to water, but you can’t make it not hate Monday. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 27: THE CENTAUR AND THE SNEAK
So Parvati is crushing on this centaur pretty bad. Which I mean, do I have to say it? Okay, I’ll say it. She’s making it SO weird.
Hermione’s like “How’s Hipster Prof doing?” And Parvati’s like “Not good. She can’t find her Joy Division shirt.”
They didn’t feel like rigging up a pulley system to get Horse Prof into the old classroom so they’re just like “fuck it” and change rooms.
Harry walks into the new classroom like “Ron, am I tripping total balls or is there a fucking forest in this room?”
So Horse Prof is like “WHAT UP, POTTER?” and Harry’s indie cred just goes through the roof. All the ‘puff chicks are like “hmm.”
You guys, Horse Prof’s herd banished him for being a teacher at Hogwarts. THAT’S SOME COLD SHIT. That centaur gang doesn’t fuck around.
Haha, so Dean’s like “Does Hagrid breed you guys like thestrals? Or what’s the deal?” And Horse Prof is like “THE FUCK?”
Parvati’s like “Hipster Prof taught us that.” And Horse Prof cuts her off like “Hipster Prof is probably the dumbest person I’ve ever met.”
Horse Prof is dropping truth bombs, y’all. Telling it like it is. Shit’s dope as fuck.
Hang on, you guys. I have to turn this pizza into an empty box real quick. BRB LOL!
Horse Prof says they’ve known for a while that another war was coming. THAT INFORMATION WOULD’VE BEEN DOPE TO HAVE A WHILE AGO TO BE HONEST.
He’s like “We just gotta burn this ‘herb’ to see how soon the next war will begin.” YEAH, OK. LET’S PRETEND WE’RE GETTING HIGH FOR A REASON.
HAGRID, THIS ATTEMPT IS NOT WORKING SO JUST COOL IT, OKAY?
Hannah Abbott is being a total drama-queen about the O.W.L.s. They’re like “Get her some Calming Draught so she’ll chill the fuck out.”
They’re working on Patronus charms in DA club. Neville’s trying and Harry’s like “Neville, it looks like you’re taking a dump. Relax.”
OH FUCK UMBRIDGE KNOWS ABOUT DUMBLEDORE’S ARMY, Y’ALL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT NEEDS TO PEACE THE FUCK OUT LIKE IMMEDIATELY.
Draco Malfoy would make Judas be like “Bro, seriously?”
Wow, so Cornelius Fudge, Percy Weasley and Umbridge are all here. It’s like Douchefest 2012 up in Dumbledore’s office right now.
Fudge is like “Do you know why you’re here?” And Harry’s like “Honestly I have no idea. Also, go fuck yourself.”
Marietta, I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed OH WAIT NO I’M NOT I’M ACTUALLY LIKE REALLY FUCKING PISSED AT YOU WHAT THE FUCK?
Umbridge is literally getting off on all of this and it’s probably really distracting for everyone in this room.
Ha, Umbridge can’t figure out a counterjinx to Marietta’s SNEAK face tattoo. THAT’S BECAUSE HERMIONE’S A BAD BITCH, Y’ALL. FOR REAL.
Percy, shut the fuck up. The adults are talking. Seriously, though.
It’s a pretty good burn, though – “Well, usually when a person shakes their head, they mean ‘no.’” – Minerva “Sexywitch” McGonagall B5p616
Umbridge is like “fuck it” and just starts shaking Marietta like a rag doll but Dumbledore is like “WTF? YOU JUST MADE THIS A THING.”
DUMBLEDORE DON’T TAKE THE BULLET FOR THIS, BRO. BLAME IT ON ZACHARIAS OR SOME SHIT. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS.
“Azkaban? Oh, no that’s okay. I’ll probably just take a pass on that.” – Dumbledore
McGonagall gets her wand out to have Dumbledore’s back and I’m just so turned on that I can barely type this sentence.
DUMBLEDORE JUST KNOCKED EVERYONE THE FUCK OUT HOLY SHIT THAT WAS DOPE AS FUCK.
Dumbledore’s like “For real though, Harry. You gotta get better at this Occlumency shit, okay?” And then he peaces out with Fawkes.
CH 27: Horse Prof is pretty chill, Dumbledore’s Army gets fucked, and @MuggleHustle breaks his caps lock key.
That chapter was cray, you guys.
IT’S HERMIONE’S BIRTHDAY, Y’ALL. Let’s buy her some tequila shots and kill some of those brain cells. Lord knows she has plenty to spare.
WHAT UP, THUGGLES? [divider top="1"]
But enough about trying to eat healthy and why it’s the absolute worst thing in the world. Let’s hustle.
CHAPTER 28: SNAPE’S WORST MEMORY
“Educational Decree 9,647: Umbridge runs this shit now.”
Rumors about the night before are rampant. Everyone’s checking Harry’s Twitter account for the real story.
Umbridge tried to get into Dumbledore’s office and the gargoyle was like “You must be THIS attractive to ride. LOL SORRY BOUTCHA!”
HAHA THE INQUISITORIAL SQUAD. THAT’S RICH.
So Fred and George are like “Fuck this” and they’re basically just going to try to get expelled. Which will probably be really entertaining.
Filch has a boner because Umbridge is going to let him torture students pretty soon. Normal stuff.
Wait, she’s going to expel Peeves? THAT’S CROSSING THE LINE, UMBRIDGE. YOU MONSTER.
Umbridge just offered Harry something to drink? IT’S A TRAP.
Umbridge has clearly never seen a police drama because this interrogation is going nowhere.
I would probably get more answers interrogating a kitten. “WHAT UP, KITTEN? WHY YOU SO ADORABLE?”
These enchanted fireworks sound dope as fuck. I should try to get a hold of some for the next date I have with no one.
“Thank you so much, Professor! I could’ve got rid of the sparklers myself of course, but I wasn’t sure if I had the authority.” – Flitwick
I guess those fireworks got Hermione all hot and bothered because now she’s feeling a bit REBELLIOUS. Which is always a little scary.
#jokes – “A sparkler floated past the tower, still resolutely spelling out the word POO.” – B5p635
Crabbe and Goyle would probably be pretty clutch at Occlumency. I get the impression it wouldn’t be that hard for them to empty their minds.
Cho’s like “Marietta’s face does not deserve that” and Harry’s like “What LOL? It does, though.”
Cho’s like “Hermione should’ve told us” and Harry’s like “I think it was pretty dope” and Cho’s like “YOU WOULD!” Harry’s just like “Ugh.”
Those mornings are the worst – “They’ve found Montague, sir. He’s turned up jammed inside a toilet.” – Malfoy B5p638
“Oh, Snape’s memories are just chillin’ unattended in this pensieve? That’s pretty chill. WELP, think I’m just gonna go play some xbox.” – Harry Potter
For real, though. You guys should’ve seen the smile on my face when I realized Harry was alone in that room with Snape’s memories.
We are now watching an episode of “Hogwarts: The Early Years.”
Snape’s hair looks like the opposite of a Dove commercial, apparently.
The Marauders were really the “Dudley’s Gang” of their school, huh?
Lily’s in the mix now. She’s like “BRO, WTF? DON’T.” And James is like “I’ll stop if you and I can be a thing.”
Lily seems like a bad bitch, y’all. She’s like “Honestly I’d rather bang the squid. For real, though.”
They’ve got Snape in what I’m assuming is sort of the Wizarding equivalent to a wedgie. I don’t think it’s Snape’s best look.
HUSTLE TIP: If a cute girl comes to your defense while you’re getting your ass handed to you, maybe don’t call her a “mudblood” to her face.
Making. It. Weird. – “Who wants to see me take off Snivelly’s pants?” – James Potter B5p649
Omg Snape is back in the room. HARRY, PRETEND LIKE YOU WERE WASHING YOUR HAIR, BRO.
Harry feels weird. He’s realizing his dad was kind of a Draco in school. And that’s probably the worst feeling.
CH 28: The Twins enchant the shit out of some fireworks and Harry creeps on Snape’s memories, which reveal his dad to be kind of a dick.
So getting embarrassed in front of a girl was really Snape’s WORST memory? I could fill like 5 pensieves with that kind of shit.
The guy in front of me ordered one beef rib for lunch. I was like “So is that like, what you eat while you’re deciding what else to get?”
Parks and Rec is back tonight and I #literally couldn’t be more excited.
Just got in a Muggle Duel for the last breakfast taco. And it’s like, this little girl needs to stop crying because I got it fair & square.
It’s Friday, thuggles. Leave your dignity in the common room. You won’t be needing it. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 29: CAREER ADVICE
Hermione’s like “Why aren’t you taking Occlumency lessons anymore.” And Harry’s like “IT’S DEFINITELY FOR TOTALLY NORMAL REASONS.”
Hermione is making study schedules for the boys. Which is exactly as boring as it sounds.
Harry’s still really disturbed by what he saw in the pensieve. Like when I saw the first 4 minutes of a Honey Boo Boo episode.
“The thing about growing up with Fred and George is that you start thinking anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.” – Ginny B5p655
Omg a private meeting with McGonagall? I NEED TO GET MY SUIT DRY-CLEANED.
They are hatching a scheme to allow Harry to talk to Sirius in Umbridge’s office. Can’t really see how that could go wrong.
It’s the first Potions class with Snape since the pensieve incident. Awkward.
So Snape just drops Harry’s potion on the ground and gives him a zero because he is an adult, you guys.
How am I supposed to spit mad game when Umbridge is totally third-wheeling this date with McGonagall?
UMBRIDGE IS DEFINITELY MAKING THIS A THING. STOP COUGHING LIKE A BABY.
It’s a pretty good burn, though- “He has achieved high marks in all DADA tests set by a competent teacher.” – McGonagall B5p664
McGonagall is basically just yelling at Umbridge now and I kind of want to sweep all stuff off her desk and get it over with.
I hope “12 Grimmauld Place” doesn’t show up on the caller ID or Umbridge is gonna know what’s up.
Sirius and Lupin are bro-ing down with Harry like “Yeah, we were pretty big tools back then. And those acid wash jeans, UGH.”
Fred and George got caught for their diversion. Filch is getting his “whipping students” playlist ready on his iPod.
Fred And George are like “Fuck you, Umbridge” and then they peace the fuck out in the coolest way imaginable. Shit was dope.
CH 29: Harry gets to hear Sirius and Lupin’s side of the story and the Weasley Twins make their grand exit from Hogwarts.
I may know of some replacement refs who are in the market for invisibility cloaks if anyone is looking to sell. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 30: GRAWP
The great escape of Fred and George is all anyone’s tweeting about the next day. Ron finally broke 200 followers just from being related.
Umbridge supposedly has a security troll guarding Harry’s firebolt, which was confusing at first because I just assumed SHE was the troll.
The Inquisitorial Squad keeps coming down with mysterious ailments. Pansy has sprouted antlers. I think she looks better, honestly.
Peeves is fucking up the school like it’s his job. DOING WORK, Y’ALL.
Hermione’s like “Should we tell them about Montague?” And Ron’s “Yeah, maybe. OH WAIT PROBABLY NOT THOUGH BECAUSE FUCK THAT GUY.”
Harry finally confesses to giving The Twins his Triwizard gold. He’s like “Mo’ money, mo’ fart bombs.”
Oh shit, Ron told Hermione that Harry’s still having those dreams and Harry’s like “NOT COOL, BRO. THAT WAS A JAGER SECRET.”
Here’s hoping Cho just transfers in the middle of the semester to like, Oklahoma State so we don’t have to deal with her shit anymore.
Quidditch match against the ‘claws. Roger “make-out face” Davies scores on Ron in less time than it takes me to type this sentence.
Hagrid shows up to the match with Fight Club face like “WHAT UP? I need you to come with me but I can’t give you any details LOL.”
Oh shit, Hagrid just grabbed his crossbow like this might turn into a thing!
OMG please tell me Hagrid has another dragon that’s just chillin’ in the Forbidden Forest drinking brandy…
It was pretty obvious from the picture at the beginning of the chapter that it was going to be a giant, but a boy can dream.
So yeah, Hagrid’s got a Giant like, bound and gagged in in the forest and he’s all “CAN I KEEP IT, MOM?”
OMG GRAWP IS HAGRID’S BROTHER, Y’ALL. They’re going to have a show on Bravo in like 3 months.
Well it turns out Hagrid’s floozy of a mother got with some other giant so they are only half-brothers, but still.
“Look, it’s not a big deal. All you have to do is teach him English. He only gets violent when he’s frustrated or upset so you’re fine.”
Whoa, Grawp just tried to grab Hermione’s ass. Dude needs to reel it in. The ladies don’t like that move, I’m pretty sure.
One of the Centaur bros just shows up like “This is OUR turf, Hagrid. WHAT UP?” I think they’re about to get into a muggle duel.
The Centaur is like “We won’t hurt the hobbits you’re with, but if we ever see you in these woods again, shit’s gonna get real for you.”
So the Gryffindors totally just “Weird Al’d” the lyrics to “Weasley Is Our King” because THEY DEFINITELY WON THE QUIDDITCH CUP, Y’ALL.
CH 30: The secret’s out about the Twins’ financial backer, Ron leads Gryffindor to a Cup victory, and Hagrid is making this a giant thing.
Quibbler? I barely know her! [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 31: O.W.L.S
Ron’s enjoying his moment in the spotlight. He’s like “Do you know how many ‘puff chicks have sent me friend requests? Like, most of them.”
They tell Ron that they didn’t see the match and he’s taking it better than you’d expect. I think most of it’s on YouTube anyway.
Ron learns about Grawp. He’s like “Shit’s crazy. The nickname ‘Hermy’ is kind of on point, though.”
Ron’s like “What about Norbert? What about Aragog?” I’m over here like “Buckbeak is pretty chill, though.”
HOLY SHIT THE O.W.L.s ARE SERIOUSLY COMING UP. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADDERALL THEY COULD SELL ME? ASKING FOR A FRIEND.
Ernie Macmillan is freaking everyone out like “If I don’t get at least 8 hours of study time in a day, I horsewhip myself lol.”
I guess Neville knows the head of the Wizarding Examinations Authority, which is chill. But then he brings up St. Mungos and it gets weird.
Hermione confiscates some performance enhancing drugs. Harry and Ron are like “WTF?” And she’s like “THE DRUGS YOU SHOULD TAKE ARE BOOKS.”
McGonagall’s like “And for fuck’s sake, don’t forget to fill in your Student ID on your scantrons. It’s not that fucking hard.”
Harry is quizzing Hermione and it’s basically just like typing shit into a Google search bar.
WHAT UP, PROFESSOR MARCHBANKS? YOU OLD AS FUCK, GIRL.
Wait, there’s a countercharm for hiccups? I usually just use more whiskey.
Harry conjures his usual stag Patronus for bonus points except he’s got Umbridge’s face where the ass should be.
There’s another niffler in Umbridge’s office but it’s like “Uh, is there another room I can nif in? All this shit is super tacky.”
Hermione’s mood is less than pleasant. Harry’s like “Right now she’s scarier than whoever is going to try to kill me in a few chapters.”
This Astronomy practical actually sounds like, really kind of easy if I’m being honest.
SHIT’S GOING DOWN AT HAGRID’S. HE’S GOT HIS FISTS UP LIKE HE WANTS TO MUGGLE DUEL.
They stun Fang and Hagrid’s going into Hulk mode.
THOSE MOTHERFUCKING SONS OF BITCHES JUST KNOCKED MINERVA OUT AND I WILL PAINT THE HILLSIDES RED WITH THEIR BLOOD BEFORE THE NIGHT IS OVER.
THEY MADE THIS A THING AND THAT THING WILL NOT BE UNMADE UNTIL I HAVE THEIR HEADS ON PLAQUES IN THE GREAT HALL.
AND YOU, THUGGLES. YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING AND YET YOU DID NOTHING? SHAME ON YOU.
Sorry about that last tweet you guys. I’m just a little worked up right now. My blood pressure is like “WHAT UP?”
So Hagrid’s escape, though not as graceful as Dumbledore’s or the Twins’, was pretty fucking metal.
I know that feel, girl – “‘I just hope Professor McGonagall’s all right,’ said Lavender tearfully.” – B5p724
SIRIUS IS GETTING CRUCIO’D, Y’ALL. GET OUT FROM UNDER YOUR SHITTY LITTLE DESKS BECAUSE I DON’T THINK THIS IS A DRILL.
CH 31: Exams are grueling, Hagrid makes his exit, THE FUTURE MRS. HUSTLE IS ATTACKED, and Sirius is being tortured in Harry’s vision.
It’s Friday, thuggles. Time to obliviate the week from your memory with an adult beverage or two. Or seven. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 32: OUT OF THE FIRE
So Harry freaks out during his test and Prof Tofty’s like “Do you wanna go back in and finish?” And Harry’s like “Fuck it” and just leaves.
McGonagall isn’t here anymore? She was transferred to St. Mungos? IT KIND OF SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE SHOULD’VE INFORMED HER EMERGENCY CONTACT.
Harry brings Ron and Hermione in on what’s happening and they’re both kind of just like “Bro?”
“I THINK IT’S KIND OF WEIRD THAT NEITHER OF YOU WANT TO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND BREAK INTO THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES WITH ME.” – HP
Hermione’s like “Are you sure this isn’t one of your ‘I have to save everyone because my name’s on the cover’ things?” It’s a little harsh.
Hermione’s thinks that Voldemort is probably baiting Harry. And I have to say, I think she might be on point with this.
Harry’s breaking out the caps lock again. Shit’s getting angsty.
Ginny and Luna are in the mix now. Harry’s kind of a dick to Ginny and she’s like “Bitch, don’t even.” and Luna’s like “Yeah, rude.”
LOL – “When you say ‘Sirius,’ are you talking about Stubby Boardman?” – Luna Lovegood B5p736
Harry whines his way through Hermione’s plan but finally agrees. It sounds pretty bulletproof so I’m sure nothing will go wrong.
Hold up, maybe we should postpone our Dept. of Mysteries caper. This end-of-exams party Seamus and Dean are throwing sounds pretty dope.
So Harry calls Sirius’ house. Kreacher answers like “Hello? Sirius? No I think he’s out at the moment. Probably not coming back either LOL!”
Okay, this plan is falling apart faster than a shirt from Urban Outfitters.
Umbridge’s got Harry by the mane, and Ginny and Luna are bound and gagged? Which seems a little extreme to me. But hey, that’s high school.
Neville was trying to protect Ginny : )
Now they are bringing Snape into the mix. Let’s just hope he’s not going to be a huge Snape-bag about the whole thing.
Umbridge is like “I need some Veritaserum” and Snape’s like “Okay, I’ll see you in about a month LOL!”
Snape’s like “Well, you could totally poison him. But he might die before you get the truth out of him. Which wouldn’t be the worst thing.”
Now Snape is on probation. By the end of this book Umbridge and Filch will be the only two employees left at Hogwarts. And maybe Horse Prof.
Harry’s like “Fuck it” and just openly tells Snape that Padfoot is in trouble. Everyone’s like “WTF?”
Umbridge is finally like “Alright, whatever. I’m just going to torture the fuck out of you” and Harry’s like “That sounds wonderful.”
Actually, sending Dementors after Harry in the beginning of the books is probably the least aggravating thing Umbridge has done.
Ugh, Hermione is being such a princess about this. JUST LET UMBRIDGE TORTURE HIM IT’S FINE.
Okay, never mind. Hermione is misleading Umbridge and she is eating it up. 10 points to Gryffindor.
CH 32: The half-baked plan to communicate with Sirius is foiled in minutes, Snape keeps his cool, and Hermione is one step ahead of Umbridge [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 33: FIGHT AND FLIGHT
Hermione is leading Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest. GRAWP’S ABOUT TO GET A NEW PLAYTHING, Y’ALL.
Okay, I was wrong about Grawp, you guys. Hermione led them straight into the Riders of Rohan. Those centaurs are PISSED.
Ha, Umbridge is just saying all the wrong things to these centaurs. I hope they turn her into a rug for their den.
They are dragging Umbridge off screaming and it’s like fucking Christmas in my apartment right now.
Awkward – “They are not so young. He is nearing manhood, this one.” – A kind of pervy centaur B5p756
WHOA. Let’s everybody just take a breath here. Hermione wasn’t saying that you HELPED us. She was just saying that you guys are chill bros.
THAT’S SOME GOOD TIMING, GRAWP. YOU BEAUTIFUL GIANT BASTARD!
“HAGGER PROMISED GRAWP WE GO TO DISNEYLAND THEN HAGGER LEAVE AND GRAWP SAD.” – Grawp
So Harry’s being a dick to Hermione like “Nice plan, genius!” And I’m over here like “It kind of really was a nice plan, just be cool.”
Ron, Ginny, Neville, and Luna just showed up out of fucking nowhere like “WHAT UP?” Used their D.A. club skillz on some Slytherin scumbags.
Everyone is just kind of inviting themselves to this Department of Mysteries rumble and you know what? It’s really kind of RUDE.
Harry’s like “UGH, Why do I have so many friends who are loyal and brave who want to fight by my side?? It’s so ANNOYING.”
They are taking the Thestral Express to London.
CH 33: Centaurs save Harry and Hermy from Umbridge, Grawp saves Harry and Hermy from the Centaurs, and nobody saves Harry from his angst.
I have some things I have to take care of this afternoon, but let’s meet back here this evening and we’ll do another chapter, yeah? [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 34: THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES OMG
Okay, so Harry mounts up on his Thestral and it turns around like “HAY GIRL YOUR ROBE TASTES DELICIOUS.”
Luna is sitting sidesaddle on her thestral like she’s the 1%.
Ginny, Ron, and Hermione are all “We have exactly the same chance of mounting up on a thestral as Ray Charles. A little help, please?”
So Harry’s like “Do you know how to get to the Ministry?” And the Thestral’s like “Not really, but George has Google maps on his iPhone.”
So they start making their descent before the beverage cart even comes around. Don’t you hate that?
Ha, his badge says “Harry Potter: Rescue Mission.” Don’t get me wrong, that’s dope as fuck, but it’s a little conspicuous.
Ok, this place is deserted. Voldemort probably paid for a free margarita happy hour for all Ministry employees so they’d peace the fuck out.
The description of the Department of Mysteries makes it sound like a sex dungeon. Like, there’s no way it’s not a sex dungeon. Mystery solved.
Okay, I don’t think this room is up to fire code because the wall is spinning and the Exits aren’t clearly marked.
The strategy for finding the right door has now become trial and error. No, yeah, I’m sure it’s fine. Let’s just let this play out.
OH, BRAINS. SURE. NOBODY PANIC IT’S FINE.
This tattered black veil sounds super inviting and not at all terrifying. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
Now there’s some whispering that nobody else can here. So Nagini is probably in the mix.
Or, wait. Luna can hear it too so never mind. This veil has some kind of weird hold on Harry. Like a Siren. Or chicken nuggets from Wendy’s.
Hermione is the only one not entranced by this archway and it’s like, she’s definitely an Android right? That would make so much sense
I guess we just found the correct door. There’s some trippy bell jar with a hummingbird but Harry’s like “Fuck that noise, let’s go.”
Sirius isn’t here, y’all. WELP, I GUESS WE CAN JUST GO HOME NOW, RIGHT? YEAH, LET’S JUST GO HOME.
“and (?) Harry Potter” – B5p780
Harry Potter, with the presence of mind similar to that of a 6 year old, sees something shiny with his name on it and decides to pick it up.
OMG SOMEONE BEHIND HARRY WANTS TO PLAY WITH THE ORB TOO!
CH 34: The Dept. of Mysteries is kind of fucked up, in lieu of Sirius they find an enigmatic orb, and they are not alone in the darkness.
You guys, I desperately want to keep reading but I just can’t tonight. Let’s plan on Double Hustle tomorrow night.
However, I am only human, so I had to read the first page of the next chapter to find out who was behind Harry. Fucking Douchius Malfoy. [divider top="1"]
But seriously, you shouldn’t blow off studying to follow along EXCEPT THAT YOU TOTALLY SHOULD THOUGH BECAUSE IT’S GOING TO BE DOPE AS FUCK.
CHAPTER 35: BEYOND THE VEIL
Okay, so a gaggle of Death Eaters just showed up out of fucking nowhere. Douching up the place. Wearing too much cologne, probably.
Some Death Eater babe is like, taunting Harry with a baby voice? Clever. But I mean, it’s pretty on point though.
Bellatrix is in the building, y’all. I’m aroused but I don’t want to be.
Malfoy keeps calling this orb “the prophecy,” which is admittedly cooler than calling it an orb. But whatever, fuck him.
Bellatrix threatens Ginny and Harry’s just like “I don’t think so lol!”
Harry’s getting all casual with the Death Eaters like “So what is this fucking thing anyway? I think I saw the exact same model at IKEA.”
“Oh, real quick. Did you guys know that V-dog is a half-blood too? His dad is a muggle. For real, though. Guess he skipped over that one” -HP
Bellatrix is like “HE’S MAKING THIS A THING” But Lucius is like “Chill the fuck out, okay? We need that prophecy and shit.”
Ha, why is Lucius like, answering all of Harry’s questions? Villains need to learn how to just shut the fuck up.
The kids are breaking alllll the orbs in this room. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.
Well, shit. We’re already separated. Luna probably started thinking about birds or something and wandered off.
You would think that Death Eaters are like an elite crew of badasses, but they’re really struggling against these kiddos.
What. The. FUCK? – “A baby’s head now sat grotesquely on top of the thick, muscled neck of the Death Eater.” – B5p790
Hermione’s like “You can’t hurt a baby, though” and I’m over here like “ACTUALLY YOU TOTALLY CAN. PUNCH HIM IN HIS STUPID BABY FACE.”
OH FUCK HERMIONE’S DOWN, Y’ALL.
OH SHIT NEVILLE JUST GOT FUCKING KICKED IN THE FACE.
Neville’s got broken nose mouth and it’s ADORABLE – “Whaddever you do, Harry, don’t gib it to him.” – B5p793
RON THIS WAS NOT AN APPROPRIATE TIME TO EAT A BUNCH OF SHROOMS. STOP GIGGLING AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
Ron wants to play with this brain but the brain’s like “Dude, WTF? Don’t.”
Alright, we’re back at the stone archway. Harry’s in a Mexican standoff with a bunch of the Shit Eaters.
Neville, obviously shouting “STUBEFY” isn’t working. Pump the breaks.
YOU FUCKING RAT DICKS WOULD BE WISE TO LEAVE NEVILLE’S PARENTS OUT OF THIS OR I’M GOING TO MAKE THIS A THING.
BELLATRIX. THIS IS A THING NOW.
OH THANK GOD THE CAVALRY JUST ARRIVED.
Neville can’t think of an incantation so he’s like “Fuck it” and just stabs some dude in the eye. It’s dope as fuck.
Fucking green and red lights are flying everywhere in this room. It’s like a Goddamn Pink Floyd Laser Light show up in here.
Lucius is like “Give me the prophecy, Potter” and Harry’s like “How are you not getting this? I’m not going to just like, give it to you?”
Harry tosses the orb to Neville, and it’s probably one of the riskier things he’s done in the last half hour.
Neville has fought valiantly, and I don’t want to take anything away from him, but he just kind of Nevilled it and broke the orb.
WHAT UP, DUMBLEDORE?
Death Eater bros are peacing the fuck out at the sight of Dumbledore but Sirius and Bellatrix are still getting into it.
LIKE, WHAT. WHY WOULD THAT EVEN. WHY WOULD.
This is stupid.
You guys, I don’t think this is a drill : (
CH 35: There is a battle for the prophecy, Dumbledore returns, and Sirius Black falls.
Sirius Black is dead. I have to talk to some whiskey about this.
I’ll be back shortly #doublehustle
I called my mom and she said that Sirius just went to live on a farm with my other two family dogs that I don’t see anymore. So it’s okay. [divider top="1"]
CHAPTER 36: THE ONLY ONE HE EVER FEARED
If anything can cheer me up, it’s Neville’s broken nose mouth. I just want him to talk like this all the time.
Harry’s definitely keeping his cool. He’s definitely not chasing after Bellatrix like a fucking mad man.
Oh fuck, Harry just threw some Crucio noise at Bellatrix. SHIT IS HEATING UP.
“You need to *mean* it, Potter. You need to really want to cause pain-to enjoy it- righteous anger won’t hurt me for long. I’ll show you.”
Bellatrix is kind of the villain I’ve been waiting for. She’s ruthless and it’s pretty great.
Bellatrix is like “Give me the prophecy I may spare you” and Harry’s like “WELP YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO KILL ME THEN BECAUSE IT’S GONE, BITCH.”
HOLY FUCKING SHIT VOLDEMORT IS IN THE BUILDING, Y’ALL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bellatrix is like “I’m so sorry” and Voldemort is like “I’ll give you the combination to the bank vault that holds all the fucks I give.”
Voldemort is like “Fuck it” and tries to AK Harry but Dumbledore is like “LOL I DON’T THINK THAT’S GOING TO BE A THING.”
Dumbledore’s got these statues doing all KINDS of shit. I’m like “When they’re done foiling Voldemort could they come clean my shower?”
Dumbledore keeps calling Voldemort “Tom.” Making it weird.
Voldemort’s like “There is nothing worse than death.” And Dumbledore’s like “What about Crocs, though?”
But like, Fawkes is going to be okay, though. Right?
FAWKES IS OKAY, Y’ALL. NOBODY PANIC.
“For the first time, Dumbledore sounded frightened.” – B5p815
Harry is Voldemort’s ventriloquist dummy at the moment. And somehow it’s still funnier than anything Jeff Dunham has done.
So Cornelius Fudge sees Voldemort with his own eyes and he’s still like “Oh, Dumbledore? Nah, fuck that guy.” He needs to be put down.
Dumbledore’s like “I’m going to give you about half an hour to get up to speed. That’s about how much time I give to incompetent people.”
A portkey back to Hogwarts > A portkey to a graveyard in the middle of fucking nowhere.
CH 36: Harry seeks revenge on Bellatrix, Voldemort gets in the mix, Dumbledore locks it down, and Fudge is still, somehow, and idiot.
This third whiskey was for Sirius. But so were the first two.
Thanks for letting me borrow your timelines, you guys. That was pretty intense.
Your enthusiasm for this account never ceases to amaze me. Sorry for making it weird.
I’m going to go through all of your replies tomorrow. As always, thanks for the hustle. You’re the best kind of followers. Thank you.
Too many feels at work today, you guys. I can’t. [divider top="1"]
WHAT UP, THUGGLES?
Back on my grind, y’all. Let’s do WORK.
CHAPTER 37: THE LOST PROPHECY
Harry’s chillin’ in Dumbledore’s office. Hating on himself. Listening to the : ( playlist on his iPod.
Dumbledore shows up in the fireplace and all the paintings start applauding. Which is probably the sickest way to enter a room.
Dumbledore’s like “I know how you’re feeling” and Harry’s like “OMG YOU DON’T EVEN” And Phineas is like “Ugh, this fucking kid.”
Well, that didn’t take long. Harry is abusing the shit out of his caps lock key.
“I DON’T WANT TO BE HUMAN. I WANT TO BE A HIPPOPOTAMUS.” – Harry Potter
In his rage Harry throws something breakable across the room and some sassy dude named Armando is like “Really?”
Harry is acting like a child who has just been told “no” at Toys ‘R’ Us right now. He is legitimately throwing a big boy tantrum.
Dumbledore is being pretty laissez-faire about Harry destroying all of his shit. He’s like “Anything but my T-Swift records.”
Dumbledore’s like “This one’s my bad. This was worse than that time I got Taco Bell before I got on an airplane.”
Oh, I forgot about Kreacher! That little bastard lied to Harry about Sirius. Is his head on the wall yet?
Okay, I have to get my dress robes out of the dryer real quick. Don’t make this a thing.
Ugh, Kreacher was in cahoots with Narcissa? I KNEW I HATED HER.
Wow, this chapter should’ve been called “Information You Probably Should’ve Had 15 Chapters Ago.”
KREACHER INJURED BUCKBEAK? The list of reasons I’m going to put his head on a plaque just keeps getting longer.
Dumbledore defends Kreacher a little bit and Harry is like “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were the new SPEW undersecretary!”
Harry’s like “What about Snape? What about his stupid face? I’m sure this was all mostly his fault, probably.”
Ugh, Harry and his all-caps interruptions. Can he just leave so Dumbledore and I can keep bro-ing down? That would be pretty chill.
Oh shit, y’all – “It is time for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago. I’m going to tell you everything.” – Dumbledore
We get it, Dumbledore. Harry was too young for you to tell him. Let’s get there a little faster.
I could run a 10k in the amount of time it’s taking Dumbledore to get through this story.
LOL Hipster Prof is the one who gave Dumbledore this prophecy? He may want to like, ignore it then.
You’re telling me that the book I’m reading right now could’ve just as easily been called “Neville Longbottom and the Order of the Phoenix?”
Well, Harry and Voldemort having to kill one another isn’t as surprising, given how they are so bound to one another. But the Neville thing.
Well, let’s go kill us a Voldemort! My guess is that it will take roughly two more books.
CH 37: Harry gets the behind-the-scenes DVD commentary of the last 5 books, and Neville dodges a pretty big bullet.
I hope you guys will join me tomorrow and we’ll finish this thing.
SO THIS IS A THING THAT EXISTS NOW http://mugglehustle.com/
I’d like to thank the wonderful @inwalksfox for coding the site. It turned out really great and she deserves all the credit!
And while I’m thanking people I should mention @nathanlewiz again for the incredible logo design.
They both accepted payment in bourbon. I’m not making this up. These are the kinds of people I’m friends with. [divider top="1"]
We started Book 5 on August 1st. That’s 2 months of WORK. Let’s do this.
CHAPTER 38: THE SECOND WAR BEGINS
I didn’t think it was possible, but this Daily Prophet article makes Fudge seem like more of a dumbass than usual.
Dumbledore got reinstated as T-Shirt Chair of Delta Gamma THANK GOD.
IT’S A PARTY IN THE HOSPITAL WING, Y’ALL. Send out a Facebook invite.
Even when it comes to being injured, Hermione is an overachiever. She’s taking ten potions a day.
Luna’s like “We sold Harry’s Quibbler interview to those Daily Prophet douches and now it’s bankrolling my summer vacay to Sweden HOLLA.”
OMG LUNA STOP TRYING TO MAKE “CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK” HAPPEN.
Fred and George are killing it at the joke shop. They just leased a couple of red BMW’s coupes. So they’re also killing it with the ladies.
Now that Umbridge is out of the picture Filch is just like “FML.”
This situation with Umbridge is pretty heavy so lets just move past it.
So they have two divination Profs? That’s killing 0 birds with 1000 stones.
Ron needs to take it easy on these chocolate frogs or those hand-me-down robes are gonna need to be LET OUT.
GROSS RON – “Say hello to Hagrid for us. And ask him what’s happening about…his little friend!” B5p850
Draco’s like “I’ll kill you, Potter” And Harry’s like “Oh, I’ve been so busy putting your dad in jail that I forgot you were a thing.”
Snape’s like “10 points from Gryff-” and then McGonagall shows up out of fucking nowhere like “I DON’T THINK SO, BITCH.”
Is it just me, or is Minerva’s cane like, really sexy. It can’t just be me.
Hagrid’s trying to get Grawp laid like a true bro. He’s like “I told him to get an OK Cupid profile but he’s dragging his enormous feet.”
“I knew Sirius longer ‘n you did. He died in battle, an’ that’s the way he’d've wanted ter go.” – Hagrid B5p855
Harry is being such a princess about having to murder Voldemort. JUST PRETEND LIKE HE’S MURDERED YOUR PARENTS THAT SHOULD HELP.
Peeves is chasing Umbridge off. McGonagall’s like “I’d do it myself if I hadn’t taken 5 to the chest. But I didn’t choose the thug life.”
This thing Sirius’ two way mirror. I can’t.
Harry tracks down Nearly Headless Nick and he’s like “So Nick, what’s your whole thing? What’s the deal? Can anybody ghost it up?”
Harry seems to be in the “Bargaining Stage” of the 5 Stages of Grief.
Luna’s wandering around the halls. Muttering to herself about her lost possessions. Normal stuff.
Talking to Luna has a calming effect on Harry. Like listening to the sound of harps. Or bourbon.
I think one of the more tragic things that happened in this book was missing Seamus and Dean’s End of Exams party. Heard it was a rager.
OMG Cho is already dating someone else? Could someone tell her it’s okay to be single for more than 5 minutes?
Man, Ginny is a little heartbreaker now! She dropped Michael Corner like he was a 7 AM class and now she’s with Dean.
Oh nice, the Order is at the station to pick them up from the train. Tonks looks like a fucking hipster in that Weird Sisters shirt.
The Order is having words with Durlseys. They’re like “You can’t keep treating Harry like men have obviously treated Adele her whole life.”
Vernon’s like “Do I look like a man who can be intimidated?” And Mad Eye’s like “You look like a man who could close down $5.99 buffet.”
Lupin’s like “Harry, if we notice you haven’t been tweeting in a few days we’ll come and check on you. ISN’T THAT RIGHT, VERNON?”
And back to Privet Drive we go.
That’s the end of HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX.
Thanks for sticking around, you guys. It means a lot.
Someday I’d like to buy all of you a round of firewhiskey. Get a little weird.
I’m going to take some time off before we get started on the 6th book. In the meantime be sure to check out the website.
Until Book 6, stay safe out there, thuggles. Keep hustlin’. [divider top="1"]