Ask Muggle Hustle is a recurring advice column wherein Muggle Hustle will use his 24 years of wisdom to help you sort your fucking lives out. It should be stated that he is in no way qualified to be doing this, so maybe don’t listen to his advice. It’s probably terrible. 

Dear MH,

So I know I’m a bit of a freak in that I like to live in a clean environment. Clean dishes, bathroom, sinks, the whole fucking 9 yards. Well I assumed my roommate was on the same page as I am, but apparently I was wrong. She doesn’t take out the trash, hasn’t so much as touched a bucket and rubber gloves, and probably doesn’t even know where the vacuum cleaner is. Don’t get me wrong, she likes things to be clean, but after having her mother do absolutely every damn thing under the fucking sun for her, her whole life, she feels as though she should be absolved from all responsibilities in the cleaning department. I really hate confrontation, and I don’t know what to do because I’m about to fucking lose it with her. I could really use some dope as fuck advice.

Based on the amount of fuckwords in that email I can tell you are a little upset about this. Let this be a lesson to all of you: DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR ROOMMATE. YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST DISCUSS EVERYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF PRIOR TO LIVING TOGETHER OR THIS SORT OF THING WILL HAPPEN 100% OF THE TIME.

I’m sorry for yelling, but it’s important. You absolutely have to set expectations.

“I really like a clean kitchen and it’s important to me that we take turns with the dishes.”
“I’m a really light sleeper, so I would really prefer no noise after 11pm.”
“It’s okay if you have a few chips or a Coke, but please always ask me first.”
“It’s important to me that you stay out of my room unless I’m in there.”
“Please don’t have sex with my girlfriend while I’m at the library.”

If you talk about these things upfront, then it makes it easier to complain about it later if they are getting out of line. But basically, SINCE YOU JUST ASSUMED, you have two options. The first option is to be passive/aggressive and just let her live in her own filth. Don’t clean anything. Let the dishes pile up for days. Don’t take out the trash. But I really don’t suggest doing this. The thing about entitled brats is that they will outlast you. And you’ll be uncomfortable. So unfortunately for you, the second option is confrontation. You don’t have to be bitchy about it. In fact just be super nice and casual. When you’re leaving, just say “Hey, I’ve done the dishes the last couple times, do you think you could take care of them this afternoon? Thanks!” and just peace the fuck out. If she doesn’t, take a dump in her bed. That sends a pretty powerful, confusing message.

My boyfriend keeps telling our… intimate relationship details…. to his best friend. It’s making it weird whenever I see him. I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend’s feelings, but I don’t want his best friend to know what I do with him in our private time. What should I do?

All right, here’s the thing. If you’re comfortable enough with this guy to even be having “intimate relationship details,” then you should feel comfortable having a conversation with him about this. You’re completely justified in thinking that this is a private thing between the both of you, and if you talk with him about it I’m sure he’d respect that. And if he doesn’t, I guess it would be time for a different conversation.

Having said that, I also totally understand his need for a confidant. Someone to compare notes with and not feel weird about it. “GIRLS LIKE IT WHEN YOU PULL THEIR HAIR AND PUSH THEIR BOOKS OFF THE DESK, RIGHT? BECAUSE THAT’S LIKE MY ONLY MOVE.” However, if your boyfriend and his friend were both behaving like gentlemen, you would have no idea that he even knows certain details. Discretion is kind of the whole point. So there is a weak link in the chain somewhere. It sounds like it’s something you need talk to him about. It definitely won’t hurt his feelings.

Hustle, my girlfriend and I broke up a couple months ago and to make things easy, lets say she was pretty shitty about it. Really shitty about it. So now she is saying that she wants me back and she is so sorry for everything. But I’ve had this huge thing for her BEST FRIEND like ever since we broke up. What do you think?

Did you not see flashing red lights in your eyes when you were typing that up? Because the red lights are like burning my retinas right now. DO NOT get back together with her and for fuck’s sake do not try to get with her best friend. Just remove yourself from this situation entirely. Have you ever been to South Dakota? You should probably just move to South Dakota. Otherwise things are going to get messy.

My live-in boyfriend goes on cybersex chatrooms when I’m not home and doesn’t know that I know. Does this mean he’s not ready for marriage because he is still interested in other women, or is it “just a guy thing” like watching porn?

I think the bigger problem is that your boyfriend seems to be trapped in 2001 because I don’t think cybersex chatrooms are still a thing. I don’t think I’ve even heard that expression in ten years. I would suggest requesting a time turner from the Ministry and retrieving him at your earliest convenience.

Well, I’m pretty sure it’s not “just a guy thing.” And I don’t know, it seems pretty sketchy. But then again, how did you even find out about this? Were you snooping around his computer? I think this situation might be indicative of larger problems in the relationship. For better or worse, you’re going to have to talk about it with him. You’ll have to tell him you know, and ask him exactly what it means to him. Or you could use your time turner and see if you’re still together in the future. That might be easier.




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