Ask Muggle Hustle is a recurring advice column wherein Muggle Hustle will use his 24 years of wisdom to help you sort your fucking lives out. It should be stated that he is in no way qualified to be doing this, so maybe don’t listen to his advice. It’s probably terrible. 


I’m in high school, and we had a dance tonight. The guy I like (who’s in the grade above me) was ‘apparently’ (according to my friends) looking at me, and when What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction came on and my friends and I danced in a circle, he was dancing behind me and singing it to me. My friends kept telling me to go talk to him and ask him to dance, but I said no (because I’m not putting myself up for rejection). Two slow-songs later, he was dancing with another girl. I could actually feel my heart breaking. My friends said that he kept looking at me, but I’m not sure anymore. What should I do?

 First of all, I’m sorry that you’re in high school. It’s kind of the worst. We all have to do it, but it just kind of sucks and I’m sorry. And it’s like, why do they even play slow songs at these things? OH RIGHT TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL LIKE SHIT. Okay, so the whole part about your friends telling you he was “looking” at you seemed very flimsy. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. They are your friends and they want you to be happy, but sometimes it just gets your hopes up. So let’s think about this for a second.

I think the first thing you need to consider is how you two interact outside of a “dance” setting. Is there texting? Is there Facebook activity? My feeling is that he would probably not just start showing interest in you all the sudden at the dance because life is not a Disney Channel Original Movie. If you don’t interact much, this gives you an excuse. Maybe you could post something on his wall about the dance? “DANCES ARE SO LAME, RIGHT? I’M GLAD NO ONE ASKED ME TO DANCE THAT WOULD’VE BEEN GROSS.” Might be a nice way to start flirting if you’re not doing that already.

The other thing is, this is 2012. You are not some woman in a binder. If you like a guy, it’s okay to help him along. The fact is, if you make eye contact and smile at anything with a penis, it will come talk to you (The guy, not the penis. Although it’s hard to make the distinction sometimes). It’s science. Make yourself available. You don’t have to go over there and ask him to dance because that is terrifying and how do people even do that? But you have to at least send him some strong signals. Be brave and hang in there, because in a few years you’ll be able to drink alcohol and it makes all of these situations a little easier.


Hey fellow Texan! So my problem is that I go to school at the University of Arkansas and everyone here calls queso “cheese dip”. What do I do to solve this problem?! Help. I’m dying.

Um, that sounds like the absolute worst fucking thing I’ve ever heard of. My advice would be to move back to Texas as quickly as possible. And may God have mercy on their souls.


Just found out my ex cheated on me with 4 different people when we were together. Ideas on how to get back at him? He really is a slimy git.

Ooh, this is an easy one. Don’t. Do not try to “get back at him.” It’s that simple. Actually, the best thing you can do is act like it doesn’t even bother you. It’s not even something you think about, really. If you try to get back at him, he’s going to know you’re doing it on purpose, and you’ll be giving him the satisfaction. Also, if you’re doing something only for revenge, it’s probably not something you wanted to do in the first place, so you’d be degrading yourself to an extent. And you don’t want to do that, because you’re pretty great and definitely above all that nonsense.

Eventually you’ll find someone else and you’ll be happy. You won’t even have to rub it in, either. He’ll just know. And the truth is he won’t be happy, because he’s the kind of person who cheats on his girlfriend, and those kinds of people don’t find happiness.


I’m 16, and in my Politics class there are a handful of absolute morons. The Parliament is debating a bill that will legalise gay marriage and over the past few weeks they have been absolutely homophobic by claiming “It’s not natural” One of these douches went as far to say, “If one of my friends came out, he wouldn’t be my friend any more.” I told them in no uncertain terms that they are fucking morons. I then went and told my friends about the disgusting homophobia going on in that classroom. The aforementioned morons found out and have proceeded to abuse me relentlessly and those I previously thought sensible have told me that I was in the wrong and that they were just “having a laugh” What do I do?

First of all, congratulations on being totally awesome. For real, though. I’m proud of you. Standing up for the right thing when you’re in high school is one of hardest things I can think of. Like, “staying awake after eating a burrito” hard.

Look, obviously these kids are pieces of shit. You’ve told them off, and now they are trying to make you regret it. The best thing you can do is not let it escalate. Don’t engage them anymore. If they make more comments in class they will probably be doing it just to get a rise out of you.

Now, as far as your other friends. You probably need to tell them that it’s not okay to “have a laugh” about that kind of shit under any circumstances. If they are your friends, they shouldn’t be justifying or rationalizing the behavior of assholes. Confront them about this. Also, how did this even get to back to the original douchebags? Are your friends the ones who told them? You may need to look into this. Use force if necessary.


Every time I read a hustle chapter, I speak in a Texan accent for the rest of the day, HELP ME OUT BRO?

I don’t know, that sounds kind of dope. I’d probably just roll with it.

 

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